I FOUND MY MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND ON FACEBOOK

If this video from the Wonder Cousins doesn't win a MTV Music Award then it will be a bigger sham than the Mormon religion. How can we get this video on MTV? Actually I don't even think they play music videos on that network. Instead it is should be called Jersey Shore 24/7.

LEBRON JAMES REJECTS THE NOTION OF KOBE AS THE BEST PLAYER

Give Lebron a supporting cast that Kobe has had his whole career and we would be talking about 3 rings easily on his fingers at this point. King James is hands down the best player in the NBA. Kobe is a great player too but Lebron has an all-around game that makes the players around him better. If Lebron had MJ's Scottie Pippen or Kobe's Shaq during their primes he would be considered right up there with Jordan as the best player to ever play the game. And as far as I know he doesn't rape women in Colorado...I think...

MONEYBALL MY ASS: A'S SIGN SHEETS

Oakland A's GM Billy Beane is known for his Moneyball philosophy which in general terms is finding bargain price players who have good OPS and WHIP stats. Not pitchers who are coming off elbow surgery. The A's signed former Brewer's ace Ben Sheets today to a one year contract for $10 million plus incentives when it appeared no other team was willing to go above 5-6 million for him in base. Granted I know the A's wanted a veteran starter to help bridge the gap to their young guys Brett Anderson, Dallas Braden, Gio Gonzalez and Trevor Cahill but it seems like they way overpaid for a starter who has had durability concerns all of his career. So what the fuck is Beane thinking on this one? Unless Sheets catches magic in a bottle there is no way he is going to pitch worthy of $10 million even if it's just a one year gamble. Seems like Beane is getting desperate out there in Oakland with the Mariners greatly improved and the Angels and Rangers both legitimate playoff contenders in 2010.

TERRANCE CODY PASSES THE EYE TEST

If you are an NFL GM how can you pass on Mount Cody? He looks like a D.C. hooker. For this reason alone it wouldn't surprise me to see Dan Snyder grab the big guy early in the 2nd round. Those boobs are mesmerizing and that belly button is deep enough to hold the holy grail.

HT: SI

BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE HAS SOME T-SHIRT IDEAS FOR US

I finally managed to watch "Jersey Shore" the other day so I could see what all the hype was about. It's fake right? Those can't be real people. Snookie and The Situation are clearly struggling comedians trying to make a name for themselves by acting like jackasses. I guess I get the fascination with the show because it's a train wreck waiting to happen but I don't really give a shit about the people on the show. It's not like one of them is Pedro and has AIDS. Next season if they can manage to get Nick Kroll (Bobby Bottleservice) as one of the cast members then I will give it another shot.

HEIDI MONTAG HOPES YOU ARE ENJOYING WORK

While you are sitting in your cubicle thinking of a way to poison your boss's coffee without anybody catching on you can enjoy these "candid" shots of reality star Heidi Montag doing some yoga with her new DDD breasts. I kinda feel bad for her because now every guy is just going to stare at her enormous jugs instead of her plastic face. I feel ya pain Heidi. Now you know how I feel when I go cycling on my training wheels with my bicycle shorts on. WWTDD has more pictures in case you were wondering...

REY MAUALUGA DIGS THE LITTLE PEOPLE

BARSTOOLSPORTS has this candid shot of former Condom linebacker Rey Maualuga groping some midget's boobs on a new recruiting tactic implemented by coaches Lane Kiffin and Ed Orgeron. The NCAA is looking into it. Not sure if grabbing little people funbags is a major or minor recruiting violation. I would say minor since they are smaller right?

HOLY MASOLI A THIEF?

GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MACBOOKS AND GUITARS BEFORE I QUACK UP THE WHOLE PLACE!!!!

Rumors are swirling that Oregon Ducks starting QB Jeremiah Masoli is one of two football players accused of theft this weekend at a fraternity party in Eugene. Masoli and backup WR Garrett Embry are accused of stealing two Macbook Pro computers, a guitar, and a projector from Sigma Alpha Whogivesafuk as revenge for Embry being kicked out of a party earlier. Here is the juicy cover up part via the OUSportsDude:

UPDATE (10:00 PM): “KMTR is reporting that Masoli was named in the Eugene theft report, but police say he’s not a suspect.”

I don’t want Masoli to be guilty, but my source at the frat said they “are very big duck fans” and want to protect the program. Therefore I can’t fully believe the report that Masoli is not a suspect in the case. Just speculation, but they are going to try and save Masoli from any legal ramifications.

I know I’m sounding like a hater, but the fraternity has very good reasons to say Masoli is innocent and blame it wholly on Embry. Embry is the perfect scape goat: reputation as a trouble maker, connections with SAE and most importantly, NOT THE BEST PLAYER ON THE TEAM.

Damn, you know what this means right? Yep, Masoli is only going to get 11 pairs of free Nikes this offseason and 2 PS3 Consoles but with only one controller as punishment and will be required to attend at least 3 of his classes. This is what happens when you quack with the law Masoli in Eugene. They about to get strict on the starting quarterback for a potential top 10 team next year. (/shakes head in doubt)

Big ASS HT to TheBigLead for bringing this to our attention.

URBAN MEYER ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE

Sorry to have to kick you in the nuts SEC and Semenholes fans but The Pope Urban Meyer is coming back in case you didn't already know...

Florida football coach Urban Meyer met with the media at halftime of the Florida-South Carolina basketball game Saturday and said he plans to be coaching the Gators on the first day of spring practice.

“I’m going to have a series of tests in February to try to figure this thing out,” Meyer said. “I have to take some time off. I’ve been instructed to by my bride and my boss. I have to change some things. That’s obvious.”

Asked if the tests would be for his heart or for stress, Meyer said, “yes and yes.”

Meyer said he has cut way back on his travel during recruiting.

“They don’t want me traveling,” he said. “I did most of my traveling before the bowl game. I keep hearing about this time off. I tried it for a day and a half. That didn’t work out.”

Seriously why wouldn't Urban come back? They have the #1 class in the nation right now just waiting to get into Gainesville and start building another legacy now that Tim Tebow is gone. They have 3 guys who are 5 star defensive lineman in the class alone. Why the hell would Urban just leave? Because of his health and family? Get the fuck out of here. The guy is an admitted perfectionist who is still steaming from losing the SEC Championship to Alabama. He will take a little time off once he gets his recruiting class signed but you know he will be back in Gainesville giving Eskimo kisses as soon as spring rolls around.

I feel bad for all my friends who are die hard Georgia fans. They know they can't beat Florida with Urban there. It's the exact opposite feeling of how Notre Dame fans felt when the news broke of Pete Carroll leaving. Rejoice. Thankful that the Poodle would no longer bark on the sidelines while consistently beating the shit out of Notre Dame over and over. Georgia fans thought Urban was gone but it was all just a sad illusion. It's demoralizing to think UGA will struggle to compete with their fiercest rival for the next five years because most of the alumni are putting out thousands of dollars just to get tickets to see a vastly inferior product to the one residing in Gainesville currently. It shouldn't have to be this way because Georgia has talent but Urban Meyer is clearly head and shoulders above anybody not named Nick Saban in the college coaching ranks right now.

Urban is going to be at Florida till he dies. Trust me on this. If not just ask his wife Shelley. She knows it.

PRICELESS AUDIO OF BRETT FAVRE'S INTERCEPTION

Talk about shitting away the game yesterday. The Vikings did everything possible to hand the game over to the New Orleans Saints including 3 crucial fumbles combined from Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin but those paled in comparison to this final Brett Favre pass. Oh the gunslinger just had to throw across his body with less than a minute to go and the Vikings only needing a field goal to go to the first Super Bowl in decades.

The sound of disgust in the Viking's booth is immortal. Click here to listen. It's fitting that Favre's third retirement ends with an INT. You know he will be back now. He isn't going to leave like that. Damn. I was hoping we wouldn't have to talk about him anymore after this season.

PRINCE IS TRYING TO GET ME TO ROOT AGAINST THE VIKINGS

Listen Prince, I want to root for the Minnesota Vikings tomorrow because of my genuine distaste for the New Orleans Saints. As a Falcon's fan we were raised to not even mention the name Saints. We called them the Aint's. Those cajun speaking toolbags have been our arch nemesis for 30 plus years and there is no way I will ever root for them to win even if they had to suffer through Hurricane Katrina and Drew Brees mullet combover much less his Frank Beamer growth on the side of his face. Plus they got that cheating a-hole in Reggie Bush. No way will I ever root for the Aint's. With that being said why the fuck did you put out this garbage song Prince? You are better than this. I will choose to remember Purple Rain and those two twins in your videos that you probably banged harder than a Mexican at a construction site. It's already hard to root for the Vikings with Brett Favre leading them so you don't need to fuck it up for me anymore Prince. You just embarrassed Jared Allen for Christ's sake. You know how impossible that is? The guy rocks the mullet and jorts with pride but shakes his head in disgust with this garbage "Purple and Gold" song. Leave the gay fight songs to the Tennessee Volunteers. After all it's all they got now with Lame Kiffin bullshitting in South Central.

Thank you and God Bless!

Prediction: Vikings 35 Saints 24

FANTASTIC START TO THE WEEKEND

I've been having writer's block all fucking day, actually all week, and have been trying to think of something to write about worth a shit. So I start writing about college football recruiting because I figured it would be somewhat interesting with it less than two weeks away and everybody on the messageboards freaking out about where teenagers are going to be spending their next 3-5 years in college. Unfortunately the article went to shit because I hear two massive cleaning trucks causing a Haiti in my neighborhood. I look outside and figured the county finally stepped up to the plate and decided to clean our roads of all the leaves and debris left over from fall. Shit if I was wrong. Instead there is dog shit, literally, flung all over the streets and driveways. Awesome! Nothing like going outside to step into some recycled shit. It's like a retarded monkey by the name of Dick Ebersol ran around the neighborhood and decided to fling his pooh around and see what sticks. So I guess I should start a telethon or something for my neighborhood. Haiti doesn't have anything on us. Doesn't anybody know how I can contact Bono? I'm sure he could come up with a catchy tune about "The shit stained streets of Courtland Oaks Drive!" At least I'm not trying to sell the SportsCrack mansion any more. Property values just went to shit again.

(I thought you would enjoy the picture of soft serve more than actual pooh)

QUICK THOUGHTS ON MEL KIPER'S MOCK FIRST ROUND

I know it's still 3-4 months away from the NFL Draft but I figured what the hell? We don't have anything better to do than to take a look at the king of NFL mock drafts right now in Mel Kiper with baseball still a couple of months away and the NFL conference championship games this weekend.

Team Player Pos. College

1. St. Louis Ndamukong Suh DT Nebraska

2. Detroit Gerald McCoy DT Oklahoma

3. Tampa Bay Eric Berry S Tennessee

4. Washington Sam Bradford QB Oklahoma

5. Kansas City Russell Okung OT Oklahoma State

6. Seattle Derrick Morgan DE Georgia Tech

7. Cleveland Joe Haden CB Florida

8. Oakland Anthony Davis OT Rutgers

9. Buffalo Jimmy Clausen QB Notre Dame

10. Denver Dez Bryant WR Oklahoma State

11. Jacksonville Jason Pierre-Paul DE South Florida

12. Miami Rolando McClain LB Alabama

13. San Francisco Trent Williams OT Oklahoma

14. Seattle C.J. Spiller RB Clemson

15. N.Y. Giants Carlos Dunlap DE Florida

16. San Francisco Earl Thomas S Texas

17. Tennessee Everson Griffen DE USC

18. Pittsburgh Brian Bulaga OT Iowa

19. Atlanta Sergio Kindle LB Texas

20. Houston Brian Price DT UCLA

21. Cincinnati Aaron Hernandez TE Florida

22. New England Ricky Sapp LB Clemson

23. Green Bay Taylor Mays S USC

24. Philadelphia Navorro Bowman LB Penn State

25. Baltimore Jermaine Gresham TE Oklahoma

26. Arizona Dan Williams DT Tennessee

27. Dallas Bruce Campbell OT Maryland

28. San Diego Jonathan Dwyer RB Georgia Tech

29. N.Y. Jets Golden Tate WR Notre Dame

30. Minnesota Patrick Robinson CB Florida State

31. New Orleans Jared Odrick DT Penn State

32. Indianapolis Brandon Graham DE Michigan

I completely agree with his first 3 picks of Suh, McCoy, and Berry. You honestly can't go wrong with any of those guys and I believe those are your safest first round draft picks although I do have some doubts about Gerald McCoy in comparison to Suh and Berry. His pick of Sam Bradford at #4 with the Redskins is a bit puzzling. If the Redskins go QB I think they pick the best player in Jimmy Clausen. Bradford is coming off a bad shoulder injury and while he put up some amazing numbers at Oklahoma he had a hard time recognizing defenses especially when they had delay blitzes. Clausen on the other hand played his whole junior season with broken ligaments in his big toe on his planting foot and is the most accurate QB in the draft. He endured 3 years of playing in a pro-style offense under Charlie Weis and matured into a leader this past season. I have my doubts about Clausen being a great NFL QB because of his mobility and pocket presence but in terms of arm strength, accuracy, and the ability to lead teams to come from behind victories I would have to take him over Bradford. Clausen is the safer bet in my opinion.

The Seahawks taking Derrick Morgan of Georgia Tech doesn't make a lot of sense to me. The Seahawks need a QB (Hasselbeck is done) and I believe they will take one of either Bradford or Clausen if available. I've watched a lot of Georgia Tech football and while I think Morgan will be a good pro he does take plays off and there is no way I would take him that high in the draft. Mid to late first round would make more sense. Joe Haden to Cleveland is a good pick and he is without a doubt the best cover corner in this draft. I would love to see Haden in a Falcon's uniform this year but there is no way he slips down to #19. Speaking of the Falcons I like the pick of Sergio Kindle. Falcons have a need at outside linebacker and Kindle could be a beast in the NFL when he isn't smashing cars into apartments.

Kiper has the Bengals taking the first tight end in the draft at #21 in Aaron Hernandez. This would be great news for the Baltimore Ravens because then they could draft the better tight end in my opinion with Jermaine Gresham of Oklahoma at #25. Hernandez and Gresham will both be solid tight ends in the NFL but I like Gresham's height advantage (at 6'6 he has a 4 inch advantage on Hernandez) especially in the red zone.

My man Golden Tate would be a steal for the New York Jets at #29. Golden is a Steve Smith/Hines Ward clone and would be a perfect fit with the Jets. He could step in and run some wildcat while being a great slot receiver for Sanchise to throw to. He also is a hell of a punt returner and he is one of the hardest guys to tackle one on one in this draft.

No Tim Tebow or Colt McCoy in the first round which makes sense. Both guys played in a spread offense in college with tons of talent around them and they will both need time to develop their games for the NFL. I do think one or maybe both of them can play in the NFL and prove their skeptics wrong. Tebow has to work on his mechanics (too big of a windup) and if QB doesn't work out the guy would make a hell of a Wildcat/H-Back/Tight end in my opinion. Colt doesn't have the greatest of arm strength but he is extremely accurate with his throws. Give him some time and he can eat you up much like Sam Bradford.

The Colts are getting a steal if Brandon Graham of Michigan lasts till the end of the first round. Personally I think he is better than Morgan, or at least he was in college when I watched him play, and would be an excellent compliment now as well as an eventual replacement for Dwight Freeney down the road.

Looking at the USC guys I can't argue with Everson Griffen at #17 with the Titans. The guy is a freak and if he can stay healthy he could bring back memories of Jevon Kearse in Nashville. Taylor Mays at #23 with the Packers could be a bust. For all the hype he received in college the guy didn't produce a lot. Sure he can lay out people with hits and all that but his coverage skills blow and his tackling is average.

So what are your thoughts? Any sleepers we should consider as steals or guys you think will be absolute busts? I want to hear it so go ahead and leave some comments. In English is preferable.

BRADY QUINN AND JIMMY CLAUSEN AUTOGRAPH NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL

This is a one of a kind piece for the die hard Notre Dame football fan. You can not find this anywhere else besides SportsCrack.com. In fact it's the only one. I got it priced at $225 so it's first come, first serve on this incredible football. The white panel is full sized and stitched. The flawless autographs of Brady Quinn and Jimmy Clausen both pop on this pristine football.

Order it now and check out our STORE this month as we unveil some more collectors items including Derek Jeter, Golden Tate, Reggie Bush, Ken Griffey Jr. and others at well below market value.

LANE KIFFIN IS NOT A GOOD DRIVER

I can't help but stare in amazement to this .gif that LSUfreek created. Outstanding job. This has Michael Bay written all over it.

THE BUFFALO BILLS ARE JOKING RIGHT?

Seriously Bills? Just move to fucking Toronto already and stop bothering us with this Chan Gailey BS...

ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. -- Chan Gailey was hired by the Buffalo Bills on Tuesday, getting a second chance to prove himself as an NFL coach and inheriting a team that has missed the playoffs for 10 straight years.

Gailey was introduced by general manager Buddy Nix at a new conference which ended a two-month search to replace Dick Jauron, who was fired in November. Gailey takes over a team that finished 6-10 and becomes the Bills' fifth coach since Marv Levy retired after the 1997 season.

Yeah I know that nobody with a pulse wants the job but getting Chan Gailey is on par with settling for Monique on prom night. Nobody fucking wins and all you do is embarrass yourself. Except I'm pretty sure Gailey shaves his legs.

COACH PETE CARROLL NOT BEING FUNNY SKIT

I didn't laugh one time. And who is the douchebag fan and why does he keep getting roles in Hollywood? His humor escapes me. He just yells. Pow! Pow! Cataline Wine Mixer! Pow! In the face! Pow! He is a new version of Dane Cook without the potholes.

MIKE GREENBERG AND ESPN ARE RACISTS

Not really but I'm sure they won't be able to live this down after Mike and Mike's host Mike Greenberg let a little slip of the tongue on live air yesterday...

Now I demand all the people who are too lazy to get real jobs to go picket in front of ESPN Headquarters in Bristol, CT immediately. Now, now, now!!!! ESPN has a dream of taking away your freedom to not work and get paid for it and everyone deserves an apology from them. Oh wait, Greenberg issued an apology. Here it is:

I just came home from the Knicks game and found out about the mess that was created by my garbling a sentence on our show this morning; I apologize for not addressing it sooner.

And I'm sorry that my talking too fast - and slurring my words - might have given people who don't know our show the wrong impression about us, and about me.

I feel horrible about that, because nothing could be further away from who I am and what our show is about.

I would never say anything like that, not in public, or in private, or in the silence of my own mind, and neither would anyone associated with our show, and I'm very sorry that my stumble this morning gave so many people the opposite impression.

Damn, I was hoping to see pitch forks and torches tearing up the World Wide Leader. It was my dream.

RUNAWAY LANE MUSIC VIDEO

Video HT: Blick

$5 SPORTSCRACK TEE SHIRT SALE

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MONIQUE WINS GOLDEN GLOBE, SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF PENISES EVERYWHERE

I was bored last night and was up late watching Taboo on the NatGeo Channel and they were talking about drugs and prostitution being two of the most socially untolerated topics in our world. I'm sorry but they ain't got nothing on Monique's legs. Those things howl at the night waiting to eat their young. The guy with her has to be fucked up in the head. It's one thing to be a chubby chaser but the Wolverine legs are just completely frowned upon...


I'm going to go brush my teeth now and bathe in some vinegar while I cry myself to passing out for posting these pictures.


WWTDD

URBAN MEYER PULLS THE RELIGION CARD ON RECRUIT

Since it is Martin Luther King Day I figured it was sort of appropriate to show you how a certain coach who wears Gator's colors can present "I have a dream" pitch to stud defensive tackles. From GamecockCentral.com Blog comes this interesting story of Florida head coach Urban Meyer pulling the old religion/God card on Philly DT Shariff Floyd right before Floyd was set to pick Ohio State and instead went with the Gators:

“Sharrif was really confused and put a call into Coach Meyer. When they spoke Coach Meyer told him that he had a ‘dream’ the night before, and that Coach Meyer saw himself on the sideline coaching Sharrif. Told him that is was a "message from God that I should come back and coach, as I guess if it’s my time to die, I'd rather die on the sidelines coaching you than anywhere else in the world.

"Sharrif talked to us the next day and said Ohio State is great and all, but Coach Meyer said he would DIE for me. That's pretty intense. From that day on Sharrif mainly kept to himself. But that was the turning point in my eyes."

Now that is how you recruit 5 star players to your school folks. A couple of years ago I probably would have been pissed off after reading this but you know what, I think Urban actually believes the shit he spews. I can't be mad at him for it because I would hope my favorite coach (Brian Kelly) would pull out the "hey, we have Jesus Christ praying on our library you will come to Notre Dame Shariff!" tactic because if it fucking works then well...it fucking works. High school kids are stupid anyways. I used to drop acid back in the day and think I could sing Pink Floyd songs better than Roger Waters or David Gilmour. The prison guards clearly thought otherwise.

So yeah, Urban Meyer talks to God seems perfectly reasonable to a high school kid. Why do you think so many of those idiots join FCA? Probably the free donuts. Ahhh...donuts!

JIMMY KIMMEL KILLS ON JAY LENO

I will be the first to admit I don't even watch these late night tv shows regularly. With that being said I do know who is funny and who is not. Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O'brien are smart, witty, and funny. Jay Leno is the exact opposite. Jimmy Fallon is a hyperactive kid that everybody feels sorry for and I guess for some reason they decided to employ him. Fallon seems like a nice kid. Leno seems like a dick.

The point being is dick's usually win out in the end over the nice guy. Conan is leaving and Leno is replacing him. Leno pulled a Kiffin. Great to see Kimmel put Leno in his place. The shitter. Period.

CHEAT ON! IN LANE WE TRUST SHIRT

We got another new design inspired by an old face back in a familiar place. Continuing the Tradition of winning at all costs comes our brand new "CHEAT ON! IN LANE WE TRU$T" shirt. This vintage feel and look soft cotton tee shirt is sure to be the hit at any tailgate party or hanging out with your friends. It's definitely a conversation starter as anyone can attest to who has worn our shirts in the past.

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MUSCHAMP AND CALHOUN REJECT VOLS, CUTCLIFFE NEXT?

Texas defensive coordinator Will Muschamp and Air Force head coach Troy Calhoun both turned down lucrative offers from Tennessee AD Michael Hamilton to become the Vol's new head coach according to multiple reports. Muschamp apparently is content with being the coach-in-waiting at Texas and Calhoun loves the weather in Colorado. Moving along in their search the next guy who appears to be on the radar is current Duke head coach David Cutcliffe.

Cutcliffe was the offensive coordinator for Tennessee twice under the Phil Fulmer regime and had success at Ole Miss as a head coach leading them to a Cotton Bowl victory with Eli Manning under center. Cutcliffe's claim to fame is coaching both Eli and Peyton while in college. To say Tennessee would be ecstatic with this hire would be on par with me sitting through a marathon of American Idol episodes without throwing my beer at the television and cursing at God for ever creating a show so awful. Vol's Nation want a sexy hire and Cutcliffe just isn't it.

The best candidate I can think of off the top of my head is Temple's Al Golden. Golden can recruit and with the best of them which he showed at Virginia when he was a defensive coordinator and led Temple to a 9 win season this year and their first bowl game in 30 years. The guy can flat out coach but he is supposedly the hot name to replace JoePa at his alma mater Penn State when he either stops coaching or croaks.

So Tennessee fans should prepare themselves for Cutcliffe. Trust me it could be worse. Just prepare yourselves for 8 to 9 win seasons max in the near future.

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LANE KIFFIN DOES A HELL OF A BILL CLINTON IMPRESSION

"I did not have contact with those recruits!"

Whatever makes you sleep better at night buddy. Have you ever seen an introductory press conference more heated and questioned? This is going to be a marriage of hell for USC and Lane Kiffin. Fantastic.

WHILE YOU ARE BITCHING AND MOANING ABOUT WORK

This black lab is having the time of his life chasing melons down in Brazil with model Nicole Bahls(WWTDD.com). Lucky fucking dog. Not only can it lick it's own balls and shit where ever he damn well pleases but he gets the opportunity to play "catch" with Nicole. I just showed my dog Soco these pictures. He farted a balloon full of jealousy and disgust.

BEST FAILS OF 2009

Best Fails of 2009 - watch more funny videos

I completely lost my shit when the guy fell in the grave. Do you help or just laugh or cry in horror? I laughed.

MATT KEMP'S MATCH.COM COMMERCIAL

Could you imagine living the life that Matt Kemp has presented in front of him? I'm not gay as far as I know but the guy is a good looking dude who is young, rich, plays centerfield for the Los Angeles Dodgers and is literally smack dab in the middle of a valley full of excellent Hollywood tail. Of course he is banging Rihanna. Why wouldn't he? If I were him I would be out nailing every single female till my dick fell off. Fortunately for myself I'm not nearly as pretty or rich as Matt Kemp. Fuck.

Go ahead and grab all the Pop star ass you want Matt...

LANE KIFFIN SHIRT: FU LAME KIFFIN SHIRT

Now available for purchase is the "FU LAME KIFFIN" shirt from Sportscrack.com. Tell Monte's little son how you feel about him leaving Knoxville for the West Coast Cheaters. This shirt idea was sent in by numerous people who bleed orange and white.

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TENNESSEE STUDENTS TOOK THE KIFFIN NEWS WELL LAST NIGHT

Burning mattresses...


And running through the streets of Knoxville with pitch forks and torches demanding the head of Lane Kiffin...


This just goes to prove they take their college football serious down in the South. Since when did Tennessee become a stepping stone for USC? God I can't wait to see Lane Kiffin fail miserably at USC. Tennessee fans should feel grateful today that the wolf has taken off his sheepskin and left. He would have done it either next year or the year after no doubt. The guy has 12 career victories to his name (5 with the Oakland Raiders, 7 with the Vols) and some people act like this guy is the second coming of Pete Carroll. Come on people. Wake the fuck up.

AT LEAST LANE KIFFIN LEFT TENNESSEE WITH SOME CLASS

Ah gotcha! Instead of leaving with a sliver of dignity and class Lane Kiffin and his staff told his Tennessee players good-bye while in the process tried to convince the Tennessee recruits, including the early enrollment players, to come with him to USC. Talk about having some fucking balls. Kiffin and his staff might be the most shady recruiters of all-time. I'm sure he promised them houses for them and their parents with free rent, cars, money, and the assurance that classes would be limited to Ballroom Dancing and Spring Practice 101.

Take a look at this video of an interview with John Brice of Volquest.com to get a feeling of what was going down last night...

URBAN MEYER REACTS TO LANE KIFFIN NEWS

Urban Meyer received a text tonight while in attendance of the Kentucky-Florida basketball game. I think he likes the Lane Kiffin news...

LANE KIFFIN IT'S TIME BITCH!

Tennessee fans are taking the whole "Lane Kiffin leaving us to go to Los Angeles" news really good. Check out this classic video of a Volunteers die hard going Southern on his ass...


I will have more on this shitstorm tomorrow. I can't stop laughing. USC and Tennessee both royally fucked in the same day. 2010 just keeps on getting better. CHEAT ON!!!

USC COACHING SEARCH

So far Southern Cal athletic director Mike Garrett is doing an excellent job in nailing down candidates to replace Pete the Cheat Carroll for the head coaching job. Here are his candidates and how they have responded according to confidential sources of SportsCrack:

CANDIDATE #1: MIKE RILEY

FUCK OFF!!!

CANDIDATE #2: JACK DEL RIO

NO ENTIENDO!!!

CANDIDATE #3: LANE KIFFIN

THE PAC-10 IS FOR PUSSIES, NO THANKS KIND SIR!!!


CANDIDATE #4: STEVE SARKISIAN

HAHAHAHAHAHA, DUDE, WE FUCKING BEAT YOU! NO WAY AM I LEAVING UDUB FOR YOUR SINKING SHIP!!!!

CANDIDATE #5: TY WILLINGHAM

HOW FAR AWAY IS PEBBLE BEACH? KIDDING, SIGN ME UP!

PROOF THAT REPORTERS ARE UNDERPAID

PROOF That Reporters Are Underpaid - watch more funny videos

MARK MCGWIRE COMES "CLEAN" AND ADMITS STEROID AND HGH USE

Steroid abuser Mark McGwire finally admitted today to the AP he used steroids for several years while playing professional baseball. In other related news the sky is blue and snow is white. Here is his official statement:

"Now that I have become the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do five years ago.

I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It's time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I used steroids during my playing career and I apologize. I remember trying steroids very briefly in the 1989/1990 off season and then after I was injured in 1993, I used steroids again. I used them on occasion throughout the '90s, including during the 1998 season.

I wish I had never touched steroids. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never played during the steroid era.

During the mid-'90s, I went on the DL seven times and missed 228 games over five years. I experienced a lot of injuries, including a ribcage strain, a torn left heel muscle, a stress fracture of the left heel, and a torn right heel muscle. It was definitely a miserable bunch of years and I told myself that steroids could help me recover faster. I thought they would help me heal and prevent injuries, too.

I'm sure people will wonder if I could have hit all those home runs had I never taken steroids. I had good years when I didn't take any and I had bad years when I didn't take any. I had good years when I took steroids and I had bad years when I took steroids. But no matter what, I shouldn't have done it and for that I'm truly sorry.

Baseball is really different now -- it's been cleaned up. The commissioner and the players' association implemented testing and they cracked down, and I'm glad they did.

I'm grateful to the Cardinals for bringing me back to baseball. I want to say thank you to Cardinals owner Mr. DeWitt, to my GM, John Mozeliak, and to my manager, Tony La Russa. I can't wait to put the uniform on again and to be back on the field in front of the great fans in Saint Louis. I've always appreciated their support and I intend to earn it again, this time as hitting coach. I'm going to pour myself into this job and do everything I can to help the Cardinals hitters become the best players for years to come.

After all this time, I want to come clean. I was not in a position to do that five years ago in my congressional testimony, but now I feel an obligation to discuss this and to answer questions about it. I'll do that, and then I just want to help my team."

In other words Mark McGwire is pulling the old Pete Rose and finally admitting he did something wrong in order to be back in the good graces of Bud Selig and baseball. Good for him. He still will never get in the Hall of Fame but at least now he can move on and not live in the shadows of denial. I was a big McGwire fan when I was little and even went out to Oakland in 1989 to see him play. He lived up to his home run hype by slugging one off the Budweiser sign in left field that day. It just sucks to look back at it and realize he was cheating baseball and himself to accomplish pretty much everything he did in baseball. Tainted it to say the least.

RAVENS FANS DO IT DOGGYSTYLE

This Baltimore Ravens fan lost a bet in which he promised to run through an electric fence for his labrador if the Patriots lost the game. I guess he figured Tom Brady's 23-0 record at home would hold up in Gillette Stadium. Deadspin has the video of the now famous face of a Baltimore Ravens football fanatic gone wild. Take a look.



Hopefully this week he bets to put it on his nutsack if they beat the Colts. They need the mojo.

USC TROJANS EMPIRE OFFICIALLY CRUMBLING

If you are a fan of any other team beside the USC Trojans you had to be reveling in the fact that before your eyes the once mighty Trojans football infrastructure is crumbling faster than Pete Carroll left town in the middle of the night to go "Winless in Seattle." After an uncharasistic 4 loss season in Southern Cal after 8 years of dominance in the PAC 10 with the program on the verge of NCAA sanctions because of the Reggie Bush and Joe McKnight scandals it appears ole Pete the Cheat (HT: George Lee) is getting his ass back to the NFL as quickly as possible.

If you follow this blog you probably should know I'm not the biggest USC and/or Pete Carroll fan in the world. In fact I loathe them so if you are looking for a fair and balanced view on them you have to come to the wrong place. Hell we invented the FUSC shirt. With that being said it was just a matter of time before USC fucked things up. College football is cyclical in terms of dominance. People tend to forget that USC, before Pete Carroll arrived with his shit eating grin, were a consistent 6-8 wins a season max team for 15 plus seasons. They were in essence the Notre Dame of today. A once proud program who should dominate but made mistake after mistake in terms of head coaching decisions. Pete the Cheat brought back the Fight On (or Cheat On) mentality to the Trojan World and completely wiped up recruiting west of the Mississippi. Simply the law of college football averages is catching up with USC.

Already the five star recruits such as Kyle Prater and Dillon Baxter have decommitted from USC and now appear to be heading elsewhere. Backup QB Aaron Corp transfered to Richmond. Everson Griffin, McKnight, and Damian Williams are all leaving early for the NFL not to mention Taylor Mays is graduating. The once mighty ship of USC is sinking fast. And if you are wondering how USC players and recruits are finding out about ole Pete the Cheat's departure well then you should check your text messages. Yes, Petey didn't have the dignity to tell them face-to-face or even by phone call that he was leaving. He sent them a fucking text message. Cold man.

So now that USC dominance is coming to an end it joins Miami and FSU as programs on the decline while Alabama, Florida, Texas, and Oklahoma remain the upper echelon of college football powers. USC will now be scrambling to get a head coach and it won't be Mike Riley who signed an extension with Oregon State and it won't be Lane Kiffin who is building something special in Knoxville. They could go after alums Jeff Fischer or Jake Del Rio but they would have to leave high paying NFL head coaching jobs to go back to college. Not likely. Jim Harbaugh would be a good fit and I honestly hope he doesn't go because I think he is one of the better college coaches in the game. Notre Dame snagged up Brian Kelly and Steve Sarkisian looks pretty comfortable in Washington at this moment.

I've heard Paul Hackett is available. Just throwing it out there.

USC FOOTBALL 2010:

UGA'S TRAVIS LESLIE DUNKS ON KENTUCKY'S DEMARCUS COUSINS

GOD ISN'T A COLT MCCOY FAN

Congralutions go out to the Alabama Crimson Tide team and their fans on a well deserved National Title. I think it was clear last night that God had money on Alabama covering the spread because he knocked out Texas QB Colt McCoy with a shoulder injury at the start of the game. With McCoy in there I think Texas wins. With the win Alabama wins their 8th consensus National Championship (the other 5 Bama claims are about as significant as my mid afternoon shit, the smell rotten more than anything) and now all the fans from other SEC schools can claim this championship as their own. Which is fucking stupid by the way and proves that most SEC fans are either inbred or George Bush. Just because the Yankees won another championship last year doesn't make me proud the AL East is the "toughest" division in baseball as an Orioles fan. Seriously people. Go drink your Moonshine and realize that Alabama winning a championship only helps them and actually hurts your favorite SEC team.

BCS TITLE GAME PREDICTION

For the past month I have been hearing from everybody how SEC power Alabama is going to absolutely destroy Texas in Pasadena tonight. And I can see their point. Alabama crushed Florida in their conference championship while Texas survived on a last second field goal to beat Suh/Nebraska. Those two which were played on December 5th 2009 mind you told us that Alabama played their best game of the season while Texas played their absolute worst. I expect a different outcome tonight for these reasons:

-Alabama knows the SEC is 5-0 in BCS Title games and everybody expects them to win if they just show up. Sounds similar to 4 years ago when everybody expected USC to run all over Texas before Vince Young changed history.

-Alabama has the current Heisman Trophy winner, Mark Ingram, on their roster. Heisman winners usually play like shit in BCS Title games and their teams lose. In fact they are 1-5 in title games. I think the Longhorns will stuff Ingram tonight because honestly he isn't that good.

-Mack Brown will outwit Nick Saban. Yes, I know it sounds ludicrous. But what I think Brown can do for Texas tonight is pull out all the tricks and surprise a Tide team who thinks they are better than Texas.

-I think Texas is better than Alabama on a neutral field.

Prediction: Texas 28 Alabama 24-Granted the majority of my bowl predictions have been wrong so far, you might want to bet your mortgage on Bama covering.

LEE CORSO PULLS A NOT SO FAST ONE ON A BLIND CANCER KID

I meant to post this last week but on College GameDay on the first of the year Lee Corso pulled the ultimate asshole move. Jake Olson is the kid with sunglasses who has been an inspiration to the USC football team this season. Jake has lost his eyesight due to cancer and was making a guest appearance on the GameDay show giving his predictions. The kid was actually really good and very insightful when it came to predicting the games. Lee Corso of course was not going to be upstaged by Jake and pulled the ultimate dick move at the end. Watch it...



Now that is cold. I can't wait to see the GameDay signs next season making fun of Corso for being an ass to a blind kid. You can see Chris Fowler try to amend the situation by grabbing Jake's hand but it was way too late. Herbie leans over to Corso in the Duck's head and laughs "You're an Asshole!"

Gold Jerry, Gold!

WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

TheGirl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode

Motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot

And drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and

Left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.


The End.


HT: Dan

MATT HOLLIDAY SIGNS WITH CARDINALS

Matt Holliday announced today on the Doug Gottlieb Show on ESPN radio that he has decided to re-sign with the St. Louis Cardinals with a 7 year deal reportedly worth between $119-120 million. Wow! This is a great contract for Holliday because he will be staying in a baseball city in St. Louis and will be getting way over payed while doing it. Listen, when I think of franchise players who should make $100 million plus the names of Albert Pujols, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, and Manny Ramirez come to mind. Those guys deserve every dollar they get because they bring fans to the park and put up monster numbers year in and out. I don't think of Holliday as the same guy. This doesn't mean he can't be one of those guys but I just think his career has benefited greatly from playing in Coors Field and the Cardinals are now going to pay him to put up 40 plus home runs a season with 120 plus RBI's as a marque player. I don't see it happening.

Granted the Cardinals couldn't afford to lose Hollida since besides Pujols and Ryan Ludwick their lineup has very little proven power it just seems that they went beyond what it should have taken to re-sign him. The Yankees, Red Sox, and Mets were NOT negotiating with Holliday. From reports I have read it sounded like the only other contender for Holliday's services was the Baltimore Orioles. A team with 12 consecutive losing seasons. He wasn't going to go to Baltimore unless they offered him $150 million.

So what does Albert Pujols get now since Holliday is getting paid more? Honestly I think Pujols deserves at least $30 million a season, probably more. He is the best player in the game and he should never play for anybody else besides the Redbirds. He is the face of the franchise not named Stan Musial. Pujols is a free agent after the 2011 season. If the Cardinals are willing to spend like the Red Sox and Yankees do ($140 million plus a season) then it shouldn't be a problem giving Pujols a huge extension while paying for Holliday and adding other stars to fill out their roster. But this doesn't look like it will be the case. Starting pitchers Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright will be free agents soon. They won't be taking hometown discounts so the Cardinals could lose at least one of them if not both of them. Without pitching it doesn't matter how good Pujols and Holliday perform.

This is just another reason why baseball needs a salary cap.

A TIGER WOODS SEX TAPE?

TMZSports caught up with Vivid Entertainment president Steven Hirsch who apparently was approached by one of Tiger's many mistresses claiming she had a sex tape with him and was shopping the rights...



Right now it looks like we will not be seeing it since Tiger has to give his permission to release the tape. But like the steroid scandal in baseball this is due to leak out in someway in the future. If only Congress could stop talking about the BCS and get to more important things like Tiger's Wood.

CHRIS HENRY'S FIANCEE SEEMS INTELLIGENT AND INNOCENT

If the roles were reversed and it was Chris Henry who was driving the car and she died there is no doubt in my mind he would be in jail. Instead he is dead thanks to her. Crazy bitches always get the benefit of the doubt. Just ask this "fan"...

MATT KEMP IS FU....UM... DATING RIHANNA

As you can see Los Angeles Dodger's centerfielder Matt Kemp has a promising career ahead of him. Not only is he a budding superstar in baseball but he knows the fundamentals: always keep both hands on when following through to create more power. Thanks to TMZSports we will now have paparazzi stalking professional athletes. ALL RIGHT!!!

ALABAMA RETAIL OUTLETS ALREADY JUMPING THE GUN

Mack Brown might want to put this ad up in the Texas locker room to get his players foaming at the mouth. I know Bama fans are confident they can handle the Longhorns but you already have the Heisman jinx (Mark Ingram) working against you and the fact that every media pundit has picked Bama in a rout. Academy Sports might be donating a lot of clothes to Africa starting January 8th.

Image HT: Clay Travis

GEORGIA TECH VS IOWA: THE BATTLE OF SHITTY WHITE RAPPERS

Tonight's Orange Bowl match up pits the Ramblin Wreck of Georgia Tech versus the Cornfed Hawkeyes of Iowa. I'm taking the hometown Yellow Jackets and the points at -4 so you should just go ahead and bet everything on Iowa because all of my picks this bowl season have been absolutely retarded.

The real question isn't who wins tonight but who has the worst rap song by pasty white folks...

Iowa comes in strong with this depressing video...


But I got to go with "The Perfect Option" only because they score points with actual players appearing in the video...

THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE HATES OUR MILITARY

Via the always hilarious BarStoolSports comes this video of Pat Sajak from "Wheel of Fortune" basically telling our armed troops to go fuck themselves with their pronunciation. At first I thought this video was BS but apparently it's real which is sad. Seriously, who gives a fuck if you mispronounced Kelly Ripa's name? I could understand if these were foreigners on "The Wheel" but this is our military. No need to embarrass them. I guess our freedom is only allowed when spoken correctly. God bless America.

TERRENCE "MOUNT" CODY GOT HIS EDUMACATION AT BAMA

It's refreshing to see that these major college football program "student"-athletes like Alabama's behemoth Terrence Cody are more concerned about earning their degree than stupid stuff like slutty jersey-chasing girls and drugs. Take for instance this story on ESPN in regards to Cody's "major"...

Later, Cody was talking about being on track to graduate in May and said he still needed two more classes. Somebody asked him what his degree was in. He paused, stammered for a few seconds, looked up and smiled and then muttered something under his breath.

“I keep forgetting it … consumer science, I think,” Cody said.

Let's just be honest with ourselves and say that if you go to play big boy college football such as the SEC conference your major is football. No reason to bullshit us.

BOISE STATE OFFERS AN INTERESTING MAJOR

Correct me if I am wrong but I believe Ron Jeremy and Peter North both majored in the same thing while in college and went on to do incredible things in their industry. As much as I dogged FOX earlier for their horrible coverage of the BCS Bowl games I got to admit they have a sense of humor. At least the CG guy does.

Image HT: TheWizofOdds via Hawkeye Board

BOISE STATE COWBELL

Boise State hung on to beat TCU last night 17-10 to cap an undefeated season once again but the real excitement came from FOX showing us the crowd/band/cheerleaders for 75% of the broadcast. Because without their constant coverage of everything off the field we wouldn't see the bandgirl going ape shit on this cowbell. Whoa girl, calm down, the enthusiasm is just electric when you hit that cowbell.

I hate FOX's coverage of college football because they insist we should actually care what the fans in attendance think about the game. Stop fucking showing them every 15 seconds Mr. Director. I don't care what the fat Boise State fan thinks about what is going on the field. We missed a fumble recovery by TCU's All-American Jerry Hughes because of this garbage. If you are going to show the crowd then by all means keep the camera fixated on the TCU cheerleaders. Guys want to see them. Not fat girls looking concerned.


Image HT: Deadspin

ARE WOMEN AS HORNY AS MEN?

Next time your girl tries to argue with you about girls getting just as horny as us dudes well then let her take a look at this video...(PROBABLY NSFW)....


"I want to see your tongue...come on show me your tongue!"

EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS T-SHIRT DEBATE

GAYTORS STUN THE WOLFPACK WITH 60 FOOT BUZZER BEATER

Tim Tebow would approve of this miracle shot by Chandler Parsons.

WILLIS MCGAHEE PERFORMS THE ULTIMATE STIFF ARM

This is the best stiff arm I have seen live. Baltimore Ravens RB Willis McGahee tosses Oakland Raiders safety Hiram Eugene to the ground on his way to a 77 yard TD run...

THE X FAKTOR SHIRT

SportsCrack fan Kevin also sent in this shirt idea for Kansas freshman sensation Xavier Henry. Xavier is The X Faktor when it comes to another potential Championship in Lawrence this season and has not disappointed.

The X Faktor for $17.

SWAT KING COLE ALDRICH SHIRT

The Big Man in the middle has helped lead Kansas to a #1 ranking and undefeated season so far with his incredible defense. Swat King Cole deserves some recognition so we figured why not give him his own SportsCrack shirt. The shirt idea came in from Jayhawk fanatic Kevin who will get a free shirt for his submission.

SWAT KING COLE Shirt for $17

KEITH "TINY" GALLON DESTROYS A BACKBOARD

Via TheBigLead comes this video of Oklahoma freshman Tiny Gallon shattering a backboard New Year's Eve against Gonzaga. The 6'9, 296 pound power forward is obviously everything but Tiny.

JEVAN SNEAD DOESN'T HAVE THE BRAINS TO BE A GOOD QB

Clearly after this hit during yesterday's Cotton Bowl he won't have much of anything left...


Ole Miss QB Jevan Snead has been absolutely terrible all season. The Ole Miss team was pretty good this year and if Snead just had a decent season I think the Rebels could have been in a BCS Bowl. Speaking of BCS Bowls, why isn't the Cotton Bowl part of the Corrupt System? The Cotton Bowl used to be just as big as the Rose, Orange, and Sugar when I was a kid if not bigger. What happened? I know the old Cotton Bowl Stadium was a dump but now they play in Jerry Jone's palace. It's time the Cotton Bowl got a National Championship game.