CARL FROM ADULTSWIM.COM
I fucking love this guy...
"My Jessica Simpson wig...worked like a freaking charm man!"
Monday, January 14, 2008
"My Jessica Simpson wig...worked like a freaking charm man!"
TERRELL OWENS CRYING: PRICELESS
Owens finally found his one true love and his name is Tony Homo...umm, Romo. I'm not a huge NFL fan but I love the drama in the game with how quickly players can be cut and lose their salary, the injuries, the crazy owners, the confused coaches, and of course high strung emotional players like Terrell Owens. He looks like he is auditioning for a part for "Jerry McGuire 2". TO let me help you. Go get some therapy or do some pushups in your driveway. Honestly I love seeing players get emotional but I don't know if I buy it from him. This guy has thrown more teammates and QB's under the bus during his career than Urban Meyer lies to recruits in order to get them to Florida.
Shine on you crazy diamond!
Friday, January 11, 2008
OVECHKIN NOW KING OF NHL SALARY
The Washington Capitals signed superstar Alexander Ovechkin to a 13 year, $124 million dollar contract making him the richest NHL player ever.
I've seen Ovechkin play in person three times against the Thrashers and also have seen Sidney Crosby a couple of times in person and I honestly think Ovechkin is the better player. The kid is sick with the puck and has the ability to score 700 plus goals over his career. So I guess the question remains if he can be as marketable as a Crosby.
No.
Unfortunately for Ovechkin the kid has the Russian curse of butt nasty cro-magnon face disorder. It shouldn't matter but it does in marketing. The face is what sells as much as the game. So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't expect to see Ovechkin in any Jockey briefs. Actually thank God for that one. Teenage girls don't swoon over ugly Russian dudes but they do love their Tom Brady. But it shouldn't matter anyways. The kid is already a great player. Maybe the best in the league and I congratulate him and would love for him to be the spokes model for Sportscrack. I can pay in Stoli Alexander. Maybe even "hook you up" with the FUSC girl.
SO YOU ARE TELLING ME THERE IS A CHANCE
ESPN's Len Pasquarelli is reporting the flirtation between USC head coach Pete Carroll and Atlanta Falcon's owner Arthur Blank is reciprocal at this point despite some reports of Carroll uninterested.
In fact, on Thursday, Carroll was still in contact with coaches who likely would be assistants on his staff if he was offered and accepted the job here.
Carroll had yet to apprise the Falcons of that as of late Thursday night. Team officials still believed there was a chance Carroll would consider the job and a source close to the USC coach acknowledged late Thursday that, while he would probably remain with the Trojans, the Falcons' flirtation "is not quite a dead issue yet."
As the saying goes "where there is smoke there must be fire" and the fact that Carroll hasn't come out already saying he has no interest in the job must mean he is really intrigued by what Blank is offering. There also has to be another side to this story because let's be completely honest: The Falcons are a fucking mess right now. Either Carroll wants the challenge of rebuilding a team much like he did in Southern Cal or the money Blank is throwing at him is ridiculous($8-10 million a year is my guess) or Carroll knows the proverbial shit is about to hit the fan with NCAA sanctions coming down with the Reggie Bush investigation.
The good thing about the NFL is you can turn around a team pretty quickly because of the strict salary cap set in place. The Falcons may be horrible right now but I'm sure Carroll knows you are always a couple of players away from contending for the playoffs especially in the weak NFC. I mean look at what the Green Bay Packers are doing this season. No one in their right mind thought Brett Favre and company would win 13 games this season but all it took was a Pro Bowl season from himself and RB Ryan Grant emerging from the ashes of undrafted NFL free agency plus some good coaching by Mike Mularkey and instantly in one season they are a serious NFC Title contender.
I still don't believe Carroll will take the job unless Blank offers him a shit load of money with executive powers. As of this moment it looks like Blank is trying to find a GM to work with the coach so I doubt Carroll would be intrigued with that scenario. But as we all know coaching is a weird business especially the last couple of years where a coach has left a great job because they get antsy and want to prove to themselves and everybody else they can win no matter where they go.
If Carroll doesn't come out soon and say he has no interest in the job expect him to be looking at it real closely. If this is the case expect some serious doubt in USC current recruiting class as to whether USC would be the best place to play especially with Carroll departing and NCAA sanctions looming.
THE MOST DISTURBING TRAILER
Apparently the girl from "The Lord of the Rings" has teeth down there. I'm not sure who green lighted this movie but they obviously need to be drug out into Times Square and given a public execution. This is sick man! After watching it I'm not going to lie, I felt like burning all my clothes while crying and telling myself everything is going to be okay while sucking my thumb. I just want to get the visual out of my head before I become a born again virgin Christian.
Video HT: Barstool Sports
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
TARNISHED HEISMAN
Adam Rose of the LA Times got a review copy of the new Reggie Bush book called "Tarnished Heisman" which is set for release on January 15th. There are some interesting nuggets in the book including this info which was provided to Rose:
Back on the negative side for USC fans, the book's accounting says $47,000 went directly to Bush out of the overall $291,000 that went to his family. That makes it hard to deny he knew what was going on. While the photo section lacks any photocopied receipts, bank statements, or otherwise, the Author's Note says that a website will publish much of it. As of this blog post the site (www.tarnishedheisman.com) has not gone live.
It should be interesting to see what if anything comes out of this whole situation. It makes me wonder how much Pete Carroll and his staff knew at the time about the whole Bush situation. Even though it is impossible to know everything about all your players I think it is safe to presume USC officials and their compliance office had to have some idea or knowledge of these rule violations happening around one of their star players at the time.
I think it became even more painfully obvious when USC denied Bush credentials to the Rose Bowl last season. USC is going to try to distance themselves away from Bush as much as possible especially now with what appears to be a credible hard copy book being released by noted publisher Pocket Books and written by former Sports Illustrated's editor and investigative reporter Don Yaeger.
I'm not sure if the Heisman committee would strip Bush of his trophy even if he is guilty. There has been no precedence in a case like this and Bush could continue to deny the allegations ala Clemens and Bonds without facing any real sanctions from the NCAA because of one rogue agent who obviously preyed on a college athlete and his family.
But then again what is the point of having rules and regulations if the NCAA doesn't enforce them? Maybe we should ask Miles Brand.
MALLETT, MANNINGHAM AND ARRINGTON LEAVING MICHIGAN
Well it's become painfully clear for Michigan fans new head coach Rich Rodriguez is completely starting with a new slate of personnel in his coaching staff and now his student-athletes. I put student in there because it's a fun word. We all know Michigan doesn't educate their "students". Just ask former Wolverine QB Jim Harbaugh.
The new Rodriguez regime has now pushed out their two best receivers in Mario Manningham and Adrian Arrington out of Ann Arbor and into future NFL $$$ while also leaving the roster without a quarterback with any game action with the transfer of freshman Ryan Mallett who will become a star in the right system. In fact Rodriguez more than welcomed the departure of Mallett with a nice little parting shot:
"I don't care," Rodriguez said. "He's not playing for Michigan. I'm concerned with who's playing for Michigan."
Dick Rod's message to Mallett was also a clear message to prep phenom and Michigan's #1 target QB Terrelle Pryor he wants him really badly. If you don't observe Urban Meyer's tactics you would know right now is a dead period in recruiting and thus coaches can not contact recruits. But Dick Rod's message of "he's not playing for Michigan" is aimed directly to Pryor's ears and essentially means this: GET ON BOARD NOW BEFORE MICHIGAN IS TOTALLY FUCKED!
If Michigan doesn't get Pryor then red shirt freshman David Cone will be the starter next season. In other words the atmosphere around Ann Arbor's campus during game days would not be pleasant. Anarchy would be one of the first words that comes to mind with Cone(not the jormer Blue Jay) as the starter next season. You thought Notre Dame football was bad well next season could potentially be worse for Michigan with all the losses of star players(Henne, Mallett, Hart, Manningham, Arrington, Long, Kraus, Crable, Graham, and Adams). I predicted earlier that the hiring of Rodriguez by Michigan just seems like a marriage of hell. If Pryor decides to go to Ohio State we might have an annulment in Ann Arbor.
FALCONS AND BLANK WILL NEVER LEARN
Several media outlets, I mean real media not blog stuff, are reporting Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank is pursuing USC head coach Pete Carroll and all I can say is why? Why would Pete Carroll leave beautiful Southern Cal where his team is stacked with talent both on the field and off to go to Atlanta where the Falcons are a complete mess? I guess I can't blame Blank for shooting for the proverbial stars of coaching but did he not already learn from the mistake of hiring Bobby Petrino? College coaches rarely cut it as head coaches in the NFL. Steve Spurrier was a huge embarrassing failure. Carroll has already been a failure on the pro level even if it was just a few seasons with the New England Patriots. Carroll is meant to be a college coach. His goofy fake laid back style works in Southern Cal but I'm sure it wouldn't last in the NFL level.
By the way what happened to Blank hiring a new GM? Shouldn't he be more focused on getting a GM to replace the crap Rich McKay brought in over the years so the GM can make the call on the new coach? I know owners get the final say of who is hired but the GM's job is to find the head coach and if they are still using McKay to find one then Blank is a bigger idiot then I previously thought.
Listen Blank, you are wasting your time trying to talk to Carroll. He turned down overtures from the Miami Dolphins and the Oakland Raiders in the past, there is no reason for him to look at the Atlanta job as any more lucrative or attractive than those two jobs. Go find a good upcoming NFL assistant such as Rex Ryan or Mike Singletary and offer them the job.
Please stop wasting your time and my time with these blindfolded chances that will only leave you with more egg on your face.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
NO KOVY IN THE NHL ALL-STAR GAME
I find it hard to believe that the Thrashers Ilya Kovalchuk, the NHL's leading goal scorer and probably it's MVP in the first half did not garner enough votes to be named starter for the East Conference.
Kovalchuk, who finished sixth in Eastern Conference voting with 173,629 votes, leads the NHL with 34 goals and is third in points with 59.
6TH PLACE! Either the Canadians really fucked him over or his own fans in Atlanta simply weren't paying attention to the ballot when they punched their choice. Oh wait, I am one of those fans. In fact I own two authentic Kovy jerseys and routinely lose my voice every time I watch the Thrashers play. But I voted for the guy because I thought he deserved the recognition. The only way a NHL player gets recognition is if they are banging Elisha Cuthbert or some other starlet these days.
The worst part is the All-Star game is in Atlanta this year. Other leagues would have rigged the voting to make sure their host city is represented in the starting lineup but of course Gary Bettman missed out on the whole marketing strategy for this year's game.
Anyways, Kovy is an All-Star starter in my heart. And yes, I have a serious man crush on the guy. He has carried the Thrashers on his back in the first half.
MORE ROGER CLEMENS RUMBLINGS
Yesterday's press conference of Roger Clemen's taped cell phone conversation with Brian McNamee was pretty funny. Not only did Clemens make himself look like more of a jackass liar but he kind of came off as an insensitive prick who only cares about himself but claims he doesn't. His lies are becoming comedy. And now he insists he doesn't care about the Hall of Fame or never did. Sure Roger, Cooperstown doesn't matter despite all the wins and the K's and everybody kissing your ass for so long and now it has stopped. Sure your lies got you millions of dollars and poon in 31 different major league cities but remember lies and deception will always come back to haunt you.
Just ask this guy...
Remember Clemens, cheating only cheats yourself while killing you inside.
CONGRATS TO THE GOOSE
Today Goose Gossage became just the 5th reliever in MLB history to be elected to the Hall of Fame. He goes down in history with one of the best porn mustaches of all-time and that alone deserves recognition. He received a staggering 86 percent of votes in this his 9th year up for election. Ironically he played for nine different teams in his 22 seasons and keeping on with the 9 theme he also made 9 All-Star teams. His best years pitching came with the New York Yankees and San Diego Padres, which is German for whale's vagina. This beer is to you Mr. Goose Hall of Fame mustache guy.
And all of you mother fuckers with a pen should stop with the negative bull shit, got that mother fuckers...
I know what you mean Goose, I'm an asshole!
2008 TOP 25
I know, I know, we just finished off the 2007 season and already I am craving college football to come back. It's pathetic but I figured I would write down my top 25 teams going into next season. I'm the same person who hates preseason rankings because I think they shouldn't be allowed so take this for what it is worth...shit! Feel free to comment below or campaign for your team to be rated higher.
1. Georgia Bulldogs-The Bulldogs return a ton of firepower on offense led by QB Matthew Stafford and RB Knowshon Moreno. The defense should be one of the nation's best and look out for incoming freshman WR AJ Green. I smell an Arrelious Benn-type impact if not better from Green.
2. LSU Tigers-The Bayou Bengals are loaded with talent from top to bottom. This is probably a bit high in terms of rankings considering teams that win a BCS Championship usually take a year the next year off but QB Ryan Perrilloux should step in fine for departed senior Matt Flynn.
3. Missouri Tigers-If Tony Temple comes back this team stays in their current ranking. If Temple leaves I drop them around the 10 mark. Chase Daniel and Jeremy Maclin are two big reasons why Mizzou will again be contenders for a NC next season.
4. USC Trojans-Mark Sanchez should win the starting nod over Mitch Mustain and I believe he will be a better college QB than departed JD Booty. With that being said USC still lost to Stanford this past season and their prestige and invincibility has worn off. The early season match up with Ohio State could be the game of the year.
5. Texas Longhorns-The Longhorns are a weird team. On paper they should be one of the best in the nation with a ton of starters coming back including a ton of superb subs replacing guys. But Mack Brown's has lost a few games the past two seasons they had no reason to lose(example: A&M both times) so I wonder if this team can find it's way back to a Big 12 Championship game. Colt McCoy will decide in 2008.
6. Oklahoma Sooners-I was leaning heavily with the Sooners as my #1 team going into next season and they totally wet the bed against West Virginia in the Fiesta Bowl. Again. The Sooners will be stacked with studs including the return of RB Demarco Murray and should be able to put up the points. The question remains if they can stop anybody next season on defense.
7. Ohio State Buckeyes-After getting stomped the last two seasons in the BCS Championship game against SEC opponents they should be thankful they are not in a tougher conference. They will still be the overwhelming favorite out of the Big Ten next year.
8. Florida Gators-Until they find a defense this team will only be the 3rd-4th best team in the SEC. Tim Tebow will be back and carry the Gators again, but they need to find some players on D and losing Derrick Harvey early doesn't help.
9. Kansas Jayhawks-The Jayhawks could be in for a let down after a great season because they have to play some tough teams next season. They have to travel to South Florida and Oklahoma and finish off the season with back-to-back tilts against Texas and Missouri.
10. Texas Tech-Stop laughing. The Red Raiders return 20 starters and remember they did beat Oklahoma this season. QB Graham Harrell and WR Michael Crabtree will be leading an explosive Red Raiders offense.
11. Clemson Tigers-I know it's Clemson and they are always good for 3-5 losses a season under Tommy Bowden but one of these years they have to break through. Guys? Right? CJ Spiller and Cullen Harper are back and if James Davis decides to return they are the best team in the weak ACC next season.
12. West Virginia Mountaineers-Maybe a tad low here with the preseason ranking but I have a feeling a first year coach isn't going to lead them to a top ten finish. Pat White and Noel Devine are two of my favorite players to watch so they will be exciting next season.
13. Arizona State SunDevils-They should be the second best team in the PAC-10 with Rudy Carpenter back. Actually the PAC-10 looks pretty weak on paper next season so don't be surprised if they finish top 10. The Georgia and USC games should be very interesting.
14. Wisconsin Badgers-The Badgers will continue to beat shitty competition in the Big Ten. I really hate watching the Badgers play football. It's like watching your grandpa take a leak. Long and depressing.
15. Boise State Broncos-The Broncos should be the non-BCS darlings next season with lan Johnson back at RB.
16. Penn State Nittany Lions-Losing QB Anthony Morelli is addition by subtraction for JoePA. Maybe WR Derrick Williams finally lives up to the hype coming out of high school as the #1 prep recruit.
17. Wake Forest Deamon Deacons-Jim Grobe can flat out coach and I believe he will have the Deamon Deacons again competing for an ACC Championship in 2008 with QB Riley Skinner returning.
18. Alabama Crimson Tide-JP Wilson is back, Nick Saban is bringing in recruits, and the Tide faithful are as hungry and insane as ever. The Tide should be a top 20 team with the talent they have. No questions asked.
19. Auburn Tigers-QB Kodi Burns looks like he could be a potential superstar next season. I should probably have the Tigers higher ranked but I think losing DC Will Muschamp to Texas will hurt some what.
20. Illinois Fightin Illini-Losing Rashard Mendenhall immediately wipes out any chance of the Fightin Zooks competing for the Big Ten title. They still should win 8-10 games with the players they have coming back.
21. BYU Cougars-Mormons rock in 2008.
22. Tennessee Volunteers-Phil Fulmer is usually always good for at least 9 wins which is really saying something playing in the SEC.
23. Notre Dame Fighting Irish-The Irish return a ton of top notch young talent and have a much more favorable schedule in 2008. Jimmy Clausen should have a good season behind a much improved offensive line. Watch out for incoming freshman WR Michael Floyd, he could become a favorite target early on in the season. Anything less than 9 wins should be a disappointment for Irish fans with the schedule they play.
24. Miami Hurricanes-Same with the Irish, Miami returns a lot of young premiere talent and play in a weak conference. I think they could finally send off FSU's Bowden to retirement if they blow them out this season.
25. Virginia Cavaliers-I will be the first one to admit I was wrong about UVA. They showed up in 2007 and they have a lot of promise going into 2008.
JUST MISSED THE CUT: Virginia Tech, Oregon, Oregon State, Cal, Michigan, South Florida
JOE GIBBS RETIRES AGAIN
Gibbs went 31-36, including 1-2 in the playoffs, after emerging from NFL retirement and his NASCAR career to sign a five-year, $27.5 million contract in 2004. He had always maintained he intended to fulfill the contract, but the 67-year-old coach wavered from that stance Monday when asked if he would return for the final year of his deal.
Gibbs' retirement brings an apparent end to a coaching career in which he twice raised the Redskins from mediocrity into a playoff team, although he failed in his goal of bringing the team back to the Super Bowl during his second stint in Washington.
It's hard for a coach to come back to the NFL after they have been out of the game for so long as Gibbs can contest. The Redskins had a rocky season due in part to the unfortunate death of safety Sean Taylor who was probably their most talented player. No reason to feel sorry for Gibbs though, he racked up over $20 million dollars of coin in his pocket the past 4 years while making the playoffs twice. I'm sure the good old boy at heart is ready to get back to sponsoring rednecks racing in circles at the ripe old age of 67. I wish him well, he seems like a really good guy.
So who will be the next coach in Washington? No idea here. Maybe Snyder will again try to grab somebody from the college ranks like Pete Carroll or Urban Meyer. I'm sure there are some hot shot NFL assistants out there waiting to get their chance too. Supposedly Redskin's assistant Gregg Williams is the leading guy according to ESPN's Chris Mortensen(take it with a grain of salt, Mortensen has whiffed more times than Adam Dunn this season with insider news).
Monday, January 07, 2008
URBAN MEYER TOLD ME..
He could make one phone call a week and still get away with clear NCAA violations with contacting recruits during the dead period. Here is the clip courtesy of Awful Announcing...
So who do you think he was on the phone with? I think he might have been on the phone with Terrelle Pryor telling him he is going to move Tebow to linebacker or maybe he was talking to Omar Hunter and how he will start right away at DT.
The Legend of Urban Liar continues to grow...
BCS CHAMPIONSHIP LIVE BLOG
Game time is less than a half a hour away, I hope you have your beer chilled and ready to join the great Sportscrack Drink A Shot Of Beer Everytime They Show The Band Broadcast.
PREGAME
Well, here we go, drink a shot, they just showed the dotting of the I. That calls for two shots.
Remember to hit the refresh button every once in a while and scroll down to get the latest drunk ramblings. Oh yeah, fuck Urban Liar for being in the pre-game telecast. What recruit is he trying to poach/steal now?
-Okay, another shot of the band, this time the LSU one, take a shot. So far 3 shots down. By the way, how many chicks do you think Shaq nails now that he is single? I think he has at least 4 lined up tonight, one for each quarter.
-I think the only way you can stop Glenn Dorsey is to chop block him. Is there any doubt the Miami Dolphins don't take him with the #1 pick in the draft? All though he is a tad undersized for a D-tackle in the pros, his speed and quickness should make him a force if he can stay healthy.
-Oh sweet, I can't wait to find out who won the FEDEX Jack off performance of the year award. Seriously, what is the freaking point of this stupid FEDEX award? Does anybody really care?
-Seriously, baby photos, come on FOX, show the ladies!!
-With June Jones now leaving Hawaii to go take the SMU job you have to believe the Warriors will go hard for Titan's offensive coordinator Norm Chow. He would be a perfect fit for Hawaii and could get some recruits out there on name recognition alone.
-Okay, what the hell, it's time for a prediction on this game. I see the spread is in favor of the LSU Tigers by 4 points and with good reason. Essentially this is a home game for the Tigers in the Superdome and the crowd should be 4/1 in favor of the purple and gold. That being said I think the Buckeyes have a lot to prove tonight and are tired of hearing everybody telling them they suck ass and don't belong in this game. The underdogs usually prevail in this game, so I'm going with the Buckeyes.
Final score prediction: Ohio State 31 LSU 30
FIRST QUARTER
-Oh fuck, Thom Brennaman is doing the game. I want to hear him bitch about teams trying to run up the score in the third quarter like he did during the Sugar Bowl.
-The Suckeyes looked focus. God I hope this game isn't a blow out.
-Les-ticles is ready to go, no word if he is going to take the Michigan job tomorrow. Supposedly Rich Rodriguez has an out clause for Hawaii.
-Is that Chris Weinke? Isn't that guy collecting Social Security by now? LSU just won the toss by Tony Dorsett and have elected to differ to the second half. See people, you must have huge testicles to make that kind of decision this early on.
-Band shot, take another shot bitches!
-Oh shit, LSU is coming out fired up. Boeckman had little time to throw that first pass thanks to Jean-Francois.
-Nice pass to Robiskie, good to see Ohio State opening up the playbook early on and not trying to play smash mouth football with LSU.
-Beanie Wells to the House! Take another shot for the band. LSU's defense might be the most overated ever. Teams run all over them! Big Ten country rejoice, for now.
Beanie is so getting layed tonight!!
Ohio State 7 LSU 0
-Great block by Alex Boone sprung Wells. Qb Matt Flynn looks scared and no he doesn't look like Matt Damon.
-I'm sorry, but Early Doucet blows. Why Kiper and the other draft experts have him rated so high is beyond me.
-LSU looks nervous, great 3 and out for the Buckeyes.
-Dude, Boeckman deep for a first down. Tressel is coming out and attacking. I like it. Band shot, take another!
-Did you know that Buckeye is German for Whale's vagina?
-Band shot, take another!
-Good stop by the LSU defense. Field goal makes it 10-0 early in the first.
Dude! The Buckeyes are looking strong...
-Ohio State 10 LSU 0
-Great story, I almost shed a tear for the former teammates now playing against each other BS blah blah.
-Umm, have you guys heard of this Jumper Movie? yeah, me too, first time here.
-Vernon Gholston will be a first round draft pick.
-Good play action by Flynn to Doucet. I'm still confused why teams do play action on third and long. It confuses nobody.
-Hester is rocking the BAMA Bangs in his team picture.
-Band shot, take another!
-Of course Doucet makes a great catch on a bad throw thus proving I don't know shit about talent. I know beer though, and it tastes great right now.
-LSU Band Shot, take another!
-Good drive by LSU so far even though Trinton Holliday 
-Flynn forced to throw it away on 3rd and long. Good pressure forcing Flynn out of the pocket.
-32 yard field goal is good by LSU.
Ohio State 10 LSU 3
-Wells is a beast, great spin move. 5 carries for 87 yards already. He might be my #1 rated RB for next year, no doubt he will be top 3 in the game.
-Great coverage by LSU's corner.
-Looked like Hartline was interfered there but no call.
-Fumble, looks like LSU recovered.
-LSU band shot, take another!
-First quarter over. Buckeyes 10 LSU 3.
-Poon shots: 0
-Band shots: 10
-I hate you FOX. My privates want to tingle, not my liver assholes!
SECOND QUARTER
-Third and short and the whole free world knows Hester is getting the ball and yet he always gets the first down. Amazing.
-Sweatervest is fired up after the true freshman defensive end made a good play on the RB.
-LSU Touchdown! Flynn to tight end Dickson right after the Little Animal faced rape a WR.
Band Shot, take another! Band Shot, take Another!
Tied game 10-10.
-LSU band shot, take another!
-Beanie Wells just bitch slapped a LSU defender. Beanie is again a beast.
-Ohio State band shot, take another!
-Touchdown dropped! Perfect throw by Boeckman, CB Jackson knocked it loose on the bobble.
-LSU Safety Steltz is hurt. Did you know half the oxygen in the world comes from Serena Williams ass.
-Huge blocked field goal by LSU. Still tied 10-10.
-Hester with a long run on first down.
-By the way Jumper comes out on Valentines Day, how romantic.
-Flynn just got hammered.
-LSU has more than double the first downs than Ohio State right now, momentum defanitely in their favor right now. Some midget just almost broke off a TD run for LSU.
-Buckeyes need to stop them here, hold them to field goal and then regroup on offense.
-How fucking gay is the director from FOX? Seriously, find some poon and show it. This is football not men's gymnastics.
-Flynn, perfect pass to Lafell in the corner of the end zone for a TD on a roll out.
LSU 17 Ohio State 10. This might get real ugly, real fast.
-I'm starting to think the dropped pass in the end zone by Ohio State is going to come back and haunt them. Not to mention they didn't score on that drive.
-Huge one handed interception by LSU CB Coleman on a fade route.
-LSU down to the 1 on a cross pass play to TE Dickson. LSU scores a TD here it could be over fast.
-TOUCHDOWN HESTER! Great second effort, was there ever really a doubt he was going to get the ball in a goal line situation. 24 unanswered points.
LSU 24 Suckeyes 10
-LSU defense is rocking right now, OSU needs a first down bad.
-Great pass by Boeckman to Hartline. Buckeye sticker for that play.
-The old Baltimore Raven's play on third and long. Throw a 5 yard pass. Makes perfect sense.
-Take a shot. FOX coverage sucks, we deserve one.
-Halftime. Familiar situation. SEC blowing away a Big Ten team again. Somewhere some dip shit still believes the SEC is overrated. More than likely they live on the West Coast or in the Northeast.
LSU 24 OHIO STATE 10
-Piss break people.
-The half time kicking contest was pretty lame. AllState couldn't dish out the dough to make it a million dollar kick from the 50 yard line? I'm glad I'm with State Farm, I always know they are there. Band shot, slug a whole beer now.
-Finally FOX gives us a poon shot. Then of course they give us 2000 band shots. Fags!
-Holy shit, I think my liver just exploded, too many band shots, too many Bud Light shots. I would have to kick my own ass if I ever wore one of those silly looking LSU band feather hats.
-Anybody else get a laugh out of the Roger Clemen's press conference today where he stated he was forced to miss his old college coach funeral today because of the press conference. Umm, Roger, you are the one in charge of scheduling the press conference. You could have scheduled it weeks ago, or better yet tomorrow. Don't give me your bull shit excuses and try to make me feel sorry for you when even you are trying to upstage a person's death by holding a press conference on the same day. Clemens is now worse than Bonds in my eyes. What a fucking phoney! Him and Urban Liar should exchange notes at halftime.
-Holy shit, Jamarcus Russell just stole one of Bill Cosby's sweaters. Great pick with the #1 pick there Raiders!
-Eddie George is already giving up on the Buckeyes.
-Band shot, take another!
-Trinity gets the game changing performance of the year, free booze and hungover co-ed sexual regrets and ensuing years of therapy starting tomorrow courtesy of Pontiac.
THIRD QUARTER
-LSU scores on this opening drive this game in the second half I think it would be safe to say this game is over. But the drinking never stops!
-Interesting, Ohio State had more total yards in the first half. Turnovers will kill.
-Ugly LSU Poon shot, take another!
-I have a feeling LSU is going to run the ball to death here in the second half until the Shiteyes can stop them.
-A chance for a Poon shot and they show two cows dressed in beads. Like I'm really going to believe guys gave out those beads to Bessie and the Chick-Fil-A Cow. FOX blows ass. I might as well be watching LOGO Tv. At least on there I could see some hot lesbian ass.
-Okay, Buckeyes finally stop them. No reason to turn it off yet.
-What in the dumbdick is #38 doing? Roughing the kicker, automatic first down on a 4th and 23. The Buckeyes are fucked!
-Band shot, take another!
-Louisiana people still believe Elvis is alive, Jacob Hester is the fan club president.
-TOUCHDOWN LSU, Early Doucet with the reception and then poor tackling on the Buckeyes. A couple of band shots means more for you and I.
LSU 31 Ohio State 10
-Boeckman looking like Troy Smith except he is white, faster, and doesn't have a BS Heisman Trophy in his back pocket.
-Do helmet stickers mean good plays on the field or good plays in the sack? I'm starting to think the Buckeyes mean neither because they ain't getting anything after this game.
-Band shot, take another!
-Fuck Blu-Ray. I've seen it in Best Buy and it doesn't look any better to the naked eye than regular DVD. I'm going to be pissed if they switch all DVD's to Blu-ray and force me to buy an overpriced Blu-Ray player.
-Michael Crabtree as the player of the year. hmm, interesting choice, had an unbelievable season.
-Two Band shots, take two!
-Finally, interception Buckeyes. All-American Malcolm Jenkins with the pick, just barely stepped out of bounds.
-Band shot, take another!
-4th and 5, got to kick the field goal right now.
-Touchdown Buckeyes on a great catch, numerous band shots, take at least 4. Tressel just proved why he is coaching the Buckeyes and I am not. He has balls!
-Looks like Malcolm Jenkins woke up with that interception, he is all over the field right now and proving he deserved AA accolades.
-End of the third quarter with LSU up by two touchdowns despite Ohio State having more total yards at the moment. LSU does have 22 first downs compared to just 9 for the Buckeyes.
FOURTH QUARTER
-Good defensive stop by the Buckeyes, need to stay away from the punter here. They do but the punter kicks into the end zone, Buckeyes will take it from the 20 with hopes of scoring a TD to close within 7. Time to crack another beer.
-Big pass play to WR Hartline, the kid looks like a really good player. By the way Ohio State only has two senior starters so expect them to be the favorite to win the Big Ten again next year.
-Freshman Safety Chad Jones is going to develop into one of the best defensive players in the nation within the next couple of years. The kid can flat out play and has a nose for the ball.
-Band shot, take another!
-4th and 7 here, my bets are Boeckman will be looking for Hartline on a cross pattern.
-Boeckman was looking for Hartline but good coverage on LSU's part. Now that was some swarming, nasty defense. LSU ball on the fumble recovery.
-Booth review stands, 15 yard penalty for trying to decapitate the QB or something like that.
-Band shot, take another!
-Big 3 and out there by the Buckeye defense. With that being said they are going to need some big plays soon with 9 minutes left in the game to have a chance of tying it.
-Band shots, take 2 shots!
-Band shots, take 2 more!
-Brilliant fucking call there on 3rd down Tressel.
-You might want to hurry it up there a little bit Buckeyes.
-Glenn Dorsey with a big strip/sack. Recovered by Boeckman.
-Holy shit, Chad Jones is also a badass baseball player. Drafted in the third round by the Astros, that kid has the world by his balls.
-Finally, the second Poon shot of the telecast. Great job Fox.
-Band shot, take another.
-Interception, this game is over. Horrible pass by Boeckman.
-Good job by Doucet or Dipshit as I call him for running out of bounds.
-Band shot, take another!
-Ali Highsmith got away with that hit to Boeckman that caused the fumble, looked pretty bush league to me.
-First instance of LES-ticles, going for it on 4th down instead of punting. This game is officially over!
-Band shot, take another!
-Touchdown LSU. Blowout city again. SEC Champions=BCS Champions
-Band shots, take 5 more!
-LSU 38 Ohio State 17
-Ohio State loves that crossing pattern to Hartline. Touchdown Buckeyes.
LSU 38 Ohio State 24
-Band shot, take another!
-Well, 4 out of 5 BCS games were stinkers this year. Good thing we don't have a playoff because then 2 loss teams could win a National Title. Oh wait, yeah, can't use that excuse anymore as a reason not to have a playoff.
-You know an Angel gets it's wings everytime a Buckeye fan cries. Tonight about 4 million of them got their wings.
-Great scene with Bo Pelini with the Gatorade dunking.
-LSU IS THE BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONS.
-Glenn Dorsey is going to get Shaq type ass tonight.
-Band shots, take a lot more, drink till you forgot about this stinker.
-See you in the morning, or late afternoon, whenever I decide to wake up. Oh yeah, Ohio State is now 0-9 against the SEC in bowl games.
-The SEC is now 4-0 in BCS National Championship games.
-The SEC is the best conference, end of discussion.
MONKEYS PAY FOR SEX TOO!
TIME magazine is reporting that Ohio State fans are not the only ones paying for sex now a days, even monkeys do it.
It turns out that one of humanity's oldest professions may be even older than we thought: In a recent study of macaque monkeys in Indonesia, researchers found that male primates "paid" for sexual access to females — and that the going rate for such access dwindled as the number of available females went up.
I often wondered on lonely nights how much some hot monkey ass would cost but never thought somebody would actually research it. I can't confirm the rumor that ex-Atlanta Falcon and prostitute lover Eugene Robinson offered up his services for the experiment.
Honestly I'm not surprised monkeys pay for sex, the writing has been on the wall for years...
BCS CHAMPIONSHIP: BATTLE OF THE POON
Forget about the game preview since we will be drunk blogging it tonight, here is a little Poon Preview...
LSU Poon, courtesy of PoonSEC...
vs.
Ohio State Poon
Some of the Ohio State chicks have a little caveman in them so I think we have to give the edge to LSU. Since tonight's game is on FOX there is little chance we will see any poon coverage considering how much they love to show the bands. In all honesty if FOX wants to make up for their shitty coverage so far they will zoom in on the poon and let the nation enjoy it. Just for the love of God please stop showing the bands. We demand poon!
A.J. HARMON "KINDA" COMMITS TO GEORGIA
Offensive lineman A.J. Harmon is the #1 rated prep offensive guard in the nation but even after verbally committing to Georgia during the US Army All-American game he still doesn't exactly know who #1 is among his choices. This is even after he claimed he was a 100% committed to Clemson...
"When I committed to them [Clemson] I was 100 percent," Harmon said. "I am 100 percent Georgia right now.
"But I know it is not over until February," he said. "I hope I can make a decision by February."
See this is the new world of recruiting. Today a verbal pledge means little to the recruit or the coaches recruiting them. It just means the team they committed to is the current leader. And in the instance of a few recruit head cases out there it really means nothing. In some cases I can understand a recruit opening up their recruitment whether it deals with grades, coaching changes, or being closer to home. But in the case of Harmon I really just want to shake the big guy and tell him to make up his fucking mind. If you are not sure then why commit?
With a little over 4 weeks left till National Signing Day, here are some of the recruits who "verbally" declared this past weekend in the US Army All-American game and ESPN's Under Armor Game:
-Patrick Johnson, the #1 rated cornerback in the nation, committed to LSU after an earlier verbal to Miami. Johnson is the type of player who can step in right away and play and if he indeed lands in Les Miles hands he is a major coup out of the Florida area.
-Deion Walker, a 6'3 top 5 wide receiver in the nation out of Virginia verbally committed to Notre Dame at the Under Armor game. Walker joins a Notre Dame class that is currently #1 ranked by Rivals.com and joins Michael Floyd and John Goodman in the current class of 6'3 or tall receivers. Walker will need to put on some weight before he see the playing field in South Bend.
-LSU picked up a home-state product in TE Tyler Edwards out of nearby Monroe. Edwards is a top 5 prep tight end in the country and was offered by every major SEC power.
-Georgia lost out on a home product in WR Josh Jarboe out of Cedar Grove high school. Jarboe is a top 10 prep wide receiver who verbally committed to Bob Stoops and Oklahoma. Expect early playing time for Jarboe next season in Norman, he is that good.
-Solomon Koehler, a DT out of Hawaii, pledged to Arizona despite heavily weighing an offer from his home state. Maybe the departure of June Jones played a part or maybe he just wanted to go to school in the desert with a ton of hot chicks. I think I will go with the later.
-Gerell Robinson, a great all-around player who will play receiver in college, picked Arizona State over Notre Dame at the US Army game. Rumors had been flying that Robinson looked to be all Irish leading up to the declaration, but Robinson decided to stay close to home and attend ASU. He will have a chance to play right away in Tempe and can also play safety in the college game.
-MarQueis Gray, a highly touted QB out of Indianapolis picked the Minnesota Gophers. More than likely this will be the last time you hear about him till he senior season when he leads the Gophers to a 7 win season.
-Offensive tackle Matt Patchan picked the Gators over heavily-favored Miami. One of the top 10 offensive tackles in the nation, Patchan's father played for Miami in the mid 80's but decided Gainesville would be the best place to get his dick wet for the next 4 years.
-Pitt and Dave Wannstedt(insert joke here) picked up a huge commit in ILB Shayne Hale. Hale decided to stay in-state over going to Ohio State and playing for National Championships. Sounds like a wise decision to me. Oh yeah, Hale could play right away and is versatile enough to also play some defensive end.
-Ryan Williams, a top 5 prep runningback, picked his in-state Hokies over Rutgers and Boston College at the Under Armor game. Williams has a chance to play early in Blacksburg and is a big pick up for Frank Beamer.
-Brandon Smith picked Michigan. He is an athlete out of New Jersey who looks big enough to be a linebacker in college.
Of course the #1 recruit in the nation is QB Terrelle Pryor out of Jeanette, PA. Watching him for the first time live in the US Army game I came away very impressed and can see why he is so heavily hyped. Who ever wins the battle for his service will be getting a great player who has the look of future All-American written all over him. Right now Ohio State, Michigan, and Oregon are in an all out battle. I pray everyday he doesn't pick Michigan.
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