ICHIRO ISN'T A KANSAS CITY FAN

I'm a huge baseball fan and yet I've never had the chance to watch the great Ichiro play in person. But that will change this season as the Mariners make a trip to Turner Field in June for a 3 game weekend set. I still have my fingers crossed of seeing a Bedard vs. Smoltz matchup or even a King Felix vs. Tim Hudson game. But anyways, the real point of going is to see Ichiro roam centerfield in sticky Hotlanta. The fucking guy can do it all and is the true definition of a "five tool player." That and the all you can eat and drink beer specials they have at Turner Field. I really can't wait to see how many beers I consume with my buds in order to justify paying $60 for beer and food. The all you can consume special might be the best deal in all of sports. Hell, in New York City $60 bucks gets you a dog, fries, a punch in the gut, people ignoring you as you wallow in pain and perhaps an eight ounce beer.

I hate to see what Ichiro thinks of Atlanta after playing in the robust humidity of June after watching this comment he made to Bob Costas about the lovely Kansas City...

"Hotter than two rats in a fucking wool sock." I really love Ichiro.

NICK MARKAKIS IS A HONEY BEAR

Okay, I will be the first to admit I have a serious man crush on Baltimore Orioles right fielder Nick Markakis because as we all know Cal Ripken isn't coming out of that dugout anymore. But I can't wait to see newly acquired Adam Jones batting in front of Nick the Stick in the future. The motto for Orioles baseball this year is "This is Birdland" when in fact it should be "This is what ten years too late of rebuilding can do for you." At least the Orioles finally have a plan now with new GM Andy MacPhail.

And yes, Markakis is a honey bear with big fucking paws who will kill Yankees, Red Sox, Blue Jays, and even Rays for years to come.

FRANK THOMAS PILLOW FIGHTS

The Big Hurt is a sure fire first ballot Hall of Famer and one of only a few guys who we suspect never took steroids or HGH(shit, if Thomas did roids he would have hit 70 plus HR's a year with his eye and swing). But I tell you what, you do not mess with the Big Hurt when it comes to pillow fighting.

When it comes to filming a pillow biting commercial I'm sure "pals" Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte will get first dibs.

ACC BASKETBALL CAN BE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH

Or make it Maryland Terps basketball for that matter. Not only did the Terrapins blow a big second half lead against the Virginia Tech Hokies at home, a game they desperately needed to win to secure a NCAA Tourney Berth, but they also forced Hokies guard Dorenzo Hudson into vomiting macaroni and Gatorade all over the free throw line.

The Sporting Blog managed to find the video. No truth to the rumor Hudson lost his lunch when hearing about Gary Williams graduation rate at Maryland which has been extremely putrid since 1997.

ST LOUIS CARDINAL FANS LOVE THE KIDS

Those St. Louis Cardinal fans sure are a classy bunch. As much ass-kissing and self-fellating the whole Cardinal nation wants to give itself every year by saying "We are the best baseball fans in the world" we counter it by offering up videos as the one above demonstrates that they are no better than New York or even Philly fans. In fact the only other difference between those fan bases besides the Midwestern accent is the enormous amounts of mullets and camouflage that is on display every home game in Busch Stadium. And since St. Louis is basically in the middle of the country with nothing else around it besides manure and a cool looking arch it has a tendency to attract all forms of rednecks from around the likes of Indiana, Kentucky, Iowa, and the mecca of Arkansas. Trust me, I've been to St. Louis and I do think it is a great baseball city. But like all cities with a loyal fan base you have the same jerk offs who cuss at kids because they got in the way of videotaping Albert Pujols.

Here are some pictures from JoeSportsfan.com of the lovely Cardinal fans...












Sorry, I tried to find some pictures of some hot St. Louis poon but understandably they don't attend baseball games in Busch Stadium with this collection of handsome lookers on display every home game. But at least they are a classy bunch up there.

Tom Cruise is a Cock-Block 2

PUNK'D BY BRETT MYERS

Early word on the street is Phillies pitcher Brett Myers tried to pull this prank on his wife but it involved a solid punch to her chops after the punking and the media didn't find it very funny. But when it involves fellow teammate and pitcher Kyle Kendrick being traded to Japan..well, it's a little funnier than wife beating...

Video HT: WithLeather via CrashburnAlley

SORRY EVERYBODY

I've been out of town for the past two weeks sweating my balls off in South Florida working a tennis tournament and haven't had much of a chance to get on the computer. So the light posting is going to stop for at least the next few weeks as I dive into this upcoming baseball season and even some NCAA hoop talk as we get near March Madness.

I still can't get over this dunk by Gerald Green even though I have no clue who he is but this dunk should go down in history...

SI SWIMSUIT ISSUE RELEASED

I know I'm a day late but I figured what the hell, we might as well talk about the release of the SI Swimsuit Issue. Seriously, does anybody really buy this crap anymore now that internet porn has been around for over a decade? What is the point? Of course I used to use my fair time studying the articles back in middle school but I really don't remember looking into it much once I hit high school. It was all Playboys and SheMales over 50 by then. I'm kidding of course...it was SheMales over 40. Anyways, to feel like I'm reaching out to my audience in some way other than making drunk comments or laughing while I fart I figured I would show this clip from Late Night with David Letterman. Marissa Miller was on to show off her "assets" and let us know she is the new covergirl. In other words she does a lot of blow and makes herself vomit as soon as the thought of a cheeseburger creeps into her hollow brain...

FURTHER PROOF CLEMENS CAN'T TALK RIGHT

After listening to today's congressional hearing involving some douche, another douche, and a whole congregation of elected douches, it became painfully clear Roger Clemens is the biggest douche. And to prove his English is worse than my talk of douche I submit this clip of Rocket and his "best" friend Andy Pettitte making a commercial after they poked each other in the ass with needles and floppys...

Roger might have misremembered this commercial because of the lidocaine and B-12 shots he took before shooting.

ESPN FORCES YOUTUBE TO REMOVE BERMAN VIDEOS

But never fear, Deadspin has all the videos in their glorious unedited form right here. ESPN also released a statement regarding Berman:

The off air videos are now nearly a decade old and do not reflect his typical workplace demeanor, his relationships with co-workers, nor the contributions he has made to ESPN over many years. Chris has a tremendous connection with sports fans and his body of work should not be judged by a few minutes of unguarded language uttered years ago. We aren't excusing the language used and will be emphasizing to our workforce the importance of using appropriate language in the workplace.

See people, his typical workplace demeanor is total douchebag but these videos clearly shows he thinks he is a funny douchebag. So takes these videos for what they are worth: Gold Jerry, Gold!

ROGER CLEMENS REPUTATION ON THE LINE

Since Roger Clemens is a pretty big star it should be interesting to see how hard he falls today. 95% of Americans believe Clemens is lying about never using HGH and/or steroids. This could have all been avoided if Clemens just admitted something like this: "Yeah, I messed up and took the stuff." But no, Clemens with his enormous ego rivaling Barry Bonds has now put himself in a situation for which he could go to jail. Real jail where men become women if you catch my drift. So if you have a chance today watch the congressional hearing and feel free to comment about what you think should happen to Brian McNamee or Roger Clemens in regards to the findings.

CHRIS BERMAN DOESN'T LIKE AL MICHAELS

And so now we have reached the final(hopefully for the love of God not)video of Chris Berman acting like the jackass we always knew he was. I don't think Berman enjoys Al Michaels company too much. Maybe this is the reason why Michaels left ABC after all those years...

ATLANTA HAWKS ROOKIES VICTIMIZED

I know this is tame to what I would have done, which is put a couple of dead hookers in their hotel room and called it the "Dennis Rodman's Rules Night" to see which rookie could get rid of the body the quickest, but when you suck as bad as the Atlanta Hawks at basketball you do stuff like this...

The first blow was struck by the veterans, who deposited 14 large bags of popcorn into the cars of unsuspecting rookies Acie Law IV and Mario West during practice Monday - rookie center Al Horford was out of the country tending to a personal matter and did not attend practice.

The rookies were caught off guard, though West discovered he had been hit first and text messaged Law from the popcorn-splattered player parking lot to warn him that were the victims of well-planned sneak attack.

But not even advance warning was enough to calm Law, who vowed to get revenge on his veteran teammates.

Popcorn? You have to be fucking kidding me? At least sprinkle some crack on the shit and make it a good joke. Or maybe get the panties of the wife of the head coach and put a love note addressed to them in their locker. Nevermind. You can't pull off a better practical joke than getting drafted by the worst franchise in the NBA. Anything else is tame in measure.

CHRIS BERMAN: YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME

Berman pulling some game with vino talk...

Look at this broad playing with her hair in front of him, she is practically fucking him right there on stage. Berman has sick game. It just goes to show you what the show bizness can do for an unattractive jackass. Blogging not so much. Yeah, I need a real job.

CHRIS BERMAN: YEAH, FUK THEM!

These videos are priceless. I used to hate Chris Berman but now I think I have a serious man crush on the guy. I'm serious. Now I can see how he gets all these hot girls. He has the mouth of a sailor but the pockets are deep enough to bring em home...

"I'm sure you can't wait fukhead!"

CHRIS WHALEY PICKS TEXAS

For those of you still feeling bad for the Texas Longhorns and their recent recruiting loss of #1 RB recruit Darrell Scott to Colorado, well, take a look at this video of 2009 recruit Chris Whaley who just committed to Texas...

Yeah, Whaley is ridiculous with a capital R. I know the 2008 class is still being signed and delivered(Terrelle Pryor will eventually pick somebody before the baseball season starts) but schools like USC, Texas, and Georgia are off to great starts recruiting for their 2009 class. Whaley might be the best of the bunch when all is said and done. Film doesn't lie. Whaley can flat out run. Unless he is playing in the Mexican Midget League then my judgement is null and void regarding Whaley.

MATTISON ACCEPTS RAVENS POSITION, HUNTER LEFT OUT IN COLD

The long rumored Greg Mattison to Baltimore Ravens linebacker's coach finally materialized yesterday according to GatorSports.com. So why does this matter in the never ending world of coaches changing professions? Because apparently Florida head coach Urban Meyer promised prize recruit Omar Hunter that the rumors of Mattison leaving shortly after National Signing Day were not true to secure his commitment to the Florida program. But of course we can laugh at this because we already know what Meyer says is 50% full of bull and the other remains full of the not so pleasant smell coming from the swamps of Gainesville.

So now Hunter is left with a new defensive coordinator and a whole new set of lies and promises sure to leave him wondering why he would ever choose Florida in the second place. Yes, second place because Florida is garbage with Meyer as a coach and I'm not afraid to say it. The guy has the morals and convictions of a Roger Clemens on the stand. His ego is bigger than his bullshit and his playing and manipulating with the lives of teenagers and their families to advance his well being is nothing short of evil.

Point blank is Urban Meyer is garbage and everybody knows it accept a portion of Gator fans. He used Mattison knowing full well he would be leaving to take a position with the Ravens but kept it quiet in order to secure Hunter's signature on National Signing Day. But of course as long as Meyer has gotten what he wants this matters little to himself. All of these players and coaches under Meyer are just pawns to secure himself a lucrative head coaching position in the NFL. He even has his own wife recruiting players now.

Penn product Braxston Cave, when asked the most interesting thing he heard during his recruitment, had an unusual response, and it came courtesy of Florida coach Urban Meyer.

"(He) had me talk to his wife, so that was kind of interesting," Cave said.

The context of the conversation didn't exactly wow Cave.

"Basically, the weather and how they were on the boat and all this stupid crap," Cave said.

It's great to see some recruits who can actually wipe away the garbage Meyer articulates everyday and see the truth and know it isn't worth it. I just feel bad for Omar Hunter next season when he is riding the pine and won't get his degree because he is part of just another football factory which cares little to nothing about higher education and more about performance between the lines on Saturdays during the Fall.

REASONS NOT TO PLAY HOCKEY-ZEDNIK TAKING A SKATE TO THE THROAT

Reason #1-Chance of getting a skate to the neck...

The Florida Panthers Richard Zednik literally took a skate to the neck and yet despite all the loss of blood managed to skate off the ice with the assistance of a trainer. All I can say is Zednik is a bonafide BADASS. I think the majority of us would be in complete shock at the sight of so much blood gushing out of our neck and the last thing we would remember is us looking at the jumbotron as we slowly faint to the ice. The fact that Zednik could remain calm and collected just made him the toughest guy in sports. It appears Zednik is in stable condition which is a miracle by itself.

COCKFIGHT ANYONE?

Pedro Martinez y Marichal en pelea de gallos
Uploaded by paginafea

I'm not going to lie, when I first heard Pedro Martinez and cockfight in the same sentence I shouted to myself "I knew it!!!" But sadly I was a little disappointed to find out it involves roosters and not sword fighting. My life is sad, I know this already. I don't know what to feel about the whole cockfighting scene. Actually I feel a little dirty just writing it. I'm sure in some way Urban Meyer invented the game. Only a dirty scumbag with no sense of right or wrong would create such a game and privately I could not think of a more deplorable person other than maybe Peter Angelos. Of course we all know Coronel Sanders created cockfighting so there is no reason to bring Meyer in to this game. Hell, he already gave up his soul a long time ago to be a SEC coach. But if I had to pick a fight with a cock named Urban Meyer I think I would choose someone regal, almost ready if not laughing at the chance to prove how big of a fraud the once great Liar will be exposed in the near future. I name my cock Mark Richt because he will own and kill Urban for years to come.