A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an
attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
'Hi....My name is Carmen', she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family
name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects
the things I enjoy most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'.
Take a visit to Armchair GM to vote for your favorite sports wife. The 32 women field is a collection of beauties with the lone exception of Eva Longoria. She howls at the full moon when not wearing 10 pounds of foundation. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.
My vote goes to Cheryl Tweedy(pictured above), the wife of soccer player Ashley Cole in case you were wondering.
You have it to hand it to the PTI guys for playing this off really well...
I'm looking forward to this weekend's Final Four because I think it is about time we had the best teams competing against each other for the whole thing. UCLA, North Carolina, Kansas, and Memphis were all the clear cut best teams throughout the season, winning both their regular season and tournament conference championships. This is actually the first time I have ever gotten the Final Four right and if all goes as I planned we will be having an UCLA vs. Kansas Title game match with UCLA winning another one.
MVP
AL-Manny Ramirez will have a monster contract season.
Sleeper pick-Curtis Granderson
NL-Mark Teixeira will have a monster contract season.
Sleeper pick-Hanley Ramirez
Cy Young
AL-Erik Bedard will be filthy all season.
Sleeper pick-James Shields
NL-Johan Santana should dominate the NL.
Sleeper pick-Tim Hudson
Rookie of the Year
AL-Adam Jones plays a great centerfield in Baltimore.
Sleeper pick-Jacoby Ellsbury
NL-Colby Rasmus gets called up quickly and provides a needed spark in St. Louis.
Sleeper pick-Cameron Maybin
Manager of the Year
AL-Jim Leyland
NL-Bobby Cox
World Series
Boston Red Sox over Arizona Diamondbacks
I hate to sound like a dick, actually no I don't really care, but I think this division should just be handed to the Detroit Tigers now. This Tigers team is going to be the greatest ever and I will enjoy every moment of it while I drink Pop all day and massage my Michigan Wolverines #1 fan finger as I prepare to shove it my a-hole. Haha, just kidding, this division is going to be tougher than a one tooth Ann Arbor hooker. So let's get cracking at this preview.
1. Detroit Tigers-From top to bottom the best lineup in baseball. When you add studs like Miguel Cabrera and Edgar Renteria to your left side of the infield you know you have a good chance of producing a lot of runs. The Tigers are going for it all this year after giving up a lot of young talent to get Cabrera and Renteria and I think it was a good move. Mags, Sheffield, Granderson, Polanco, Pudge, and Guillen are all All-Stars who should sell out every game in the Motor City. Seriously, there are no more excuses Detroit for not at least coming close to selling out every single game with your sick team. It will come down to pitching and that is where it gets a little scary for the Tigers. Justin Verlander is a sick but besides him all the other starters have question marks going into this season. Kenny Rogers is older than his chicken and facial reconstruction and Jeremy Bonderman has never quite lived up to his hype. Dontrelle Willis is going to be garbage in the American League but will still get 15 victories with that lineup. Nate Robertson wears Kurt Rambis glasses when he pitches. The bullpen isn't so hot either. But with their starting lineup they should win the division easily.
Prediction-94 Victories.
2. Cleveland Indians-It's now been 59 years since the Indians brought home a championship and I think we can add another year of not winning it all for the Tribe. The lineup isn't nearly as potent as the Tigers. If Grady Sizemore has a MVP type of season then the Tribe could contend for the division but I think they are looking at more of a Wild Card spot especially if the Tigers get off to a hot start. The pitching is solid with C.C. Sabathia and FAusto Carmona both entering their primes and Jake Westbrook should bounce back from a difficult season last year. The Indians have a very solid team and were really close to winning the AL Pennant last year but things change from season to season and I just don't see them winning the division. But stranger things have happened in Cleveland...
Prediction-88 Victories
3. Chicago White Sox-This team has the potential to be really good this season with the off season acquisitions of Orlando Cabrera(huge upgrade over Uribe), Nick Swisher(should be a fan favorite in the South Side), and Carlos Quentin(tons of potential) to a lineup that struggled last season with a .246 team batting average. Last year's team was a mess and it really should not have been. It's up to manager Ozzie Guillen to straighten things out or he could get a pink slip fast especially if they struggle out of the gate against Cleveland and Detroit in the first week. The lineup is a little old with Thome, Konerko, and Dye but they should be able to score some runs. The pitching staff is okay with Buehrle and and Vazquez both capable of having All-Star seasons but the bottom half of the staff is nothing to talk about. This team could go either way honestly. They could be really good or really bad. It all depends on how they start off in April especially in this tough division.
Prediction-81 Victories
4. Kansas City Royals-Don't laugh but the Royals have gotten better. Alex Gordon is a future star and really bounced back last season after struggling the first half of his rookie year. Billy Butler is only 21 but proved last year he could hit in the majors and should team up with Gordon to be a formidable one-two punch in the middle of the lineup for years to come. RF Mark Teahan can rake too and new addition Jose Guillen should provide some roid rages in between playing some good ball. And of course Gruds is always solid at 2B. The pitching looks to be a lot better with Gil Meche, Brian Bannister, and Zack Greinke all capable of winning 13-17 games this season. Things are looking up for the Royals and despite their relative youth they have a good chance of staying in ball games this season while building a foundation with future pitching studs in the minors waiting to come up.
Prediction-78 Victories
5. Minnesota Twins-Johan Santana and Torii Hunter were such rocks on their team it is due to crumble without them. Their hitting lineup looks solid with Morneau and Mauer among the best at their positions and the addition of Delmon Young who could blossom into a Gary Sheffield type of player. This team just has way too many question marks in an already difficult division to even think about contending this season.
Prediction-69 Victories
Last night's debut of the Washington Nationals new ballpark pretty much went to script as the Atlanta Braves gift wrapped, put on the Santa suit, did some sloppy baserunning, and handed over the hometown team a win. Of course we were all treated to some horrible baseball announcing by Joe Morgan but it was funny to see him squirm when President George Bush was sitting next to him. You could just see in Morgan's eyes the hate building up. It was actually better than the game itself. Not a Bush supporter myself but I thought it was kind of "Bush"league to boo the President as he went out to throw the ceremonial first pitch. Say what you will about his foreign politics and how much of an idiot he is which I will agree upon I don't think I would have the cajones to boo my own President. Actually I wouldn't. I love freedom of speech and all that comes with it but the guy is not trying to fuck over our country people. You wouldn't boo a retard if he came out would you? Okay, well maybe some of you would but I think we owe our retarded President some respect.
It sucked to see the Braves lose another game late. If you don't follow Braves baseball it has been sort of their downfall the past couple of seasons. The bullpen has been bad to say the least and cost Tim Hudson a chance to reach 20 victories last season. Hopefully the Braves get their bullpen together and last night isn't a microcosm for the rest of the season. And for all the fantasy baseball geeks out there including myself last night was a perfect reason why I always regret joining these leagues. I don't like the Nationals and I generally always root for the Atlanta Braves(lone exception when they are playing the O's)but when Ryan Zimmerman hit the game winning homerun I smiled because I have him on my stupid fantasy team. It sucks to root for someone just because you want to win your fantasy league.
It's almost as bad as booing your own President.
Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing
Okay, yes, my picks yesterday were pretty much atrocious in the don't look at 2 Girls 1 Cup video way. But I want to make it up to you guys and gals by picking some winners. And as much basketball as I have watched this year which is confined to my two trips to Vegas you can pretty much guarantee these picks are as bad as David Stern is with math and geography. Or maybe just as bad as my grammar.
Davidson over Wisconsin. The exciting Curry is a one man wrecking crew and can pretty much hit any shot on the floor including game winners when some assholes are taking his picture. See, because he is an athlete and clearly Tiger Woods isn't. But I digress. Davidson is for real and I have no idea how they got a 10 seed when they were top 25 the majority of the season. Plus I hate watching Wisconsin play basketball. It's like watching Dane Cook try to be funny. You just watch and wait, watch and wait, watch and wait, and then just get pissed off because you wasted your time while others somehow enjoyed it. We call these people special. Wisconsin basketball is special in a L bus kind of way. Take Davidson with the 5.5 points as the underdog.
Stanford over Texas. I'm on the Stanford and the Lopez twin bandwagon. Those kids can play for me any day or night and I just think they will overwhelm the Longhorns. To be honest I haven't watched one minute of Texas basketball this year because A)it's not football and B)I have a life, as tiny as it may be. Stanford is the dogs by 3 so take them with the points and parlay that shit with Davidson.
Kansas over Villanova. Villanova is playing really good basketball right now but for all intended purposes Kansas should destroy them on a neutral court. Give me Chalmers and Rush and even I could make Bill Self look like a good coach. They won't cover the 12.5 but I would take Kansas on the moneyline and parlay it with Davidson and Stanford.
Memphis over Michigan State. You know everybody is jumping on the Spartans bandwagon and jumping off Memphis. Why? They lost one fucking game all year to Tennessee. Of course I have rationalized Memphis as the winner in this game because I have them in my Final Four but seriously they are a much better team on paper than Michigan State. Derrick Rose is due for one of those "holy f-ing shit did you see that" games all true superstar b-ballers do during the tournament. They are 5 point favorites and I like them to cover it.
Have a great and sober Easter weekend. Oh wait, it was last weekend. Never mind. I give you permission for all out debauchery and chaos while spreading your seed to whomever will take it.
As we all know the American League East has been dominated by the two major market clubs in the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox for the past decade. Will things change this year? Umm...negative. But the race could come down to the wire which will be thrilling for ESPN and all the bandwagon Yankees and Red Sox fans.
1. Boston Red Sox-The team is more loaded than Heath Ledger on pills. Okay, maybe not that loaded but you get my point. Manny Ramirez
Prediction-99 Victories
2. New York Yankees-This team needs some serious publicity. I feel so bad for them having to mire in obscurity these past 90 years so I felt it was my responsibility to inform you about this young, up and coming team from the Bronx. Some guy named A-Rod 
Prediction-93 Victories
3. Tampa Bay Rays-Holy cow there is finally a team worth talking about in Tampa/St. Pete. The Rays have one of the best young and talented pitching staffs in the major leagues with Scott Kazmir, Jamie Shields, and newly acquired Matt Garza all potential studs. Carl Crawford is still one of the most underrated players in the game and should be a fantasy baseball manager's wet dream. Evan Longoria did not make the club this spring but should eventually be up within the first two months and should contribute. BJ Upton
Prediction-82 victories
4. Toronto Blue Jays-Besides Vernon Wells, Alex Rios, and Roy Halladay I really don't like the pieces on this team. Matt Stairs is expected to play left field. Laughter ensues.
Prediction-73 Victories
5. Baltimore Orioles-This year's Cinderella is the BAWtimore OWioles. Okay maybe not but a little boy can dream right? The O's are finally rebuilding behind GM Andy MacPhail and are left with either shit old players or up and coming studs. The good for the O's is RF Nick Markakis. In what should be his first of many All-Star games Markakis will be the most consistent player in a rather pathetic lineup. If the O's keep 2B Brian Roberts as it appears they will now the lineup will only be shitty and not horrendously shitty as previously thought. CF Adam Jones will go through some growing pains but could put up Chris Young type numbers. The starting pitching is awful. Jeremy Guthrie is the most consistent and Daniel Cabrera is another meltdown from being banished to...fuck me...he is 2nd in the rotation! The bullpen looks like it will be better only because it was so bad last year it can't surely get any worse. Make no mistake this should be the worst team in Orioles history. But there is always the future O's fans and players like Billy Rowell and Matt Wieters will be making impacts in 2009. And for the love of God Peter Angelos
Prediction-20 Victories, and if I was a betting man I might take the under.
The picture above is of Sara Larson who has been dating uber bachelor George Clooney for over a year now. I'm not sure what to make of her down on all fours, I will let you the reader decide for yourself.
Honestly I was kind of disappointed in the picture. I thought actresses/models in Hollywood only got down on all fours to do blow or get a movie role. I guess Larson beat them all, she landed a Clooney....
Picture HT: WWTDD
It's going to be awfully tempting to burst the bubble on this current sober streak I've been on since getting back to Vegas on Monday morning but I told myself I wouldn't have one till the weekend. Fucking alcoholism!! Adding even more fire to the embers in my lost soul is the fact that the Sweet 16 kicks off tonight. We are talking about the one on MTV right. That 16 year old little hussie so deserved a 2008 convertible BMW and not that shitty 2006 BMW SUV. Daddy is such an asshole! Oh right, we are talking a little hoop action.
I have this feeling one of the #1 seeds is due to go down tonight. And no I don't believe it will be UCLA against Western freaking Kentucky. So I got my eye on you coach Williams and UNC.
Take the 1 point and bet a grand on West Virginia kicking the living shit out of Xavier tonight. Don't laugh, West Fukin Virginia looks like a Final Four team right now. Okay, you can laugh. Haha...I know that statement is funny as shit. But seriously, the Mountaineers will be burning couches till the midnight hour so take them with the points.
Take Washington State and the +9 against North Carolina. I know the Tarheels have been kicking ass but the Cougars can play some defense and will be banging the shit out of Tyler Don't Tase Me HansBrough. I wouldn't be entirely shocked if the Cougars pull the upset here so neither should you.
UCLA will blow out Western Kentucky. Kevin Love is the best passer for a big man I have ever seen play the game. He can't run worth a shit but he sure can pass and knows how to board. He basically is the complete opposite of Roy Hibbert. Yes, he has actual talent!
Louisville will cover the 3 points against Tennessee. SEC basketball is garbage and although the Vols are everything but shit their time has come. Louisville has simply more talent and is more athletic.
And take the under for beers consumed at 6 tonight. Friday is right around the corner and I'm still in recovery mode so no need hit the bottle tonight. My sponsor is suck a dick.
But yeah...FUSC.
Coming off a disastrous 2007 season it looks as if head coach Charlie Weis is adapting to the "maybe I'm not such a football genius" after all thought. It's pretty simple in terms of outlook for the 2008 season for the Irish in what will determine their success on the football field: the development of the offensive line.
If the offensive line gels and lives up to their collective hype coming out of high school the Irish will have a very successful season which could translate into 10 wins. But on the flip side if they don't gel or mature and miss assignments like last season the Irish will be lucky to keep QB Jimmy Clausen(who has added weight but still needs to add some more) healthy and their offense on the field. The Irish have a ton of talent at every position not including defensive line and it will be interesting to see how the team reacts to Weis delegating the play calling to offensive coordinator Haywood and how the defense reacts to incoming Jon Tenuta to help bring some aggressive blitzing and attacking schemes to Corwin Brown's defense.
Make no mistake, the Irish need to get nasty on the football field and it looks like they will be having full contact, no holding back, get in your face hitting and blocking starting on the third day of practice. To hear this makes these Irish eyes glimmer with hope. But hope doesn't translate into victories and if the Irish want to return to kick ass football they will need to execute and develop a "me against the world" attitude and practice their asses off this spring. Or maybe just give the ball to Robert Hughes, James Aldridge, and Armando Allen and let them do what they do which is run over, around, and through opposing defenses. Either way there are no excuses for this upcoming season(I'm looking at you offensive line).
Incoming Clemson freshman offensive lineman Kenneth Page is so money at football he gets paid to do it. The picture above is of Page on his Myspace page wearing a Clemson sweatshirt showing off his bills that would make the Barbie Bandits proud. One could conclude that Page is getting paid to play football for Tommy Bowden and Clemson but I think that train of thought is a disgrace to Tommy's papa Bobby who is a honorable man who has never paid any athlete to Florida State.
Right guys? (crickets in the background)
It should get interesting to see how Bowden, Clemson, and Page explain the reason for the picture of Page holding what looks to be at least $5000 in $20 bills. I've heard girl scouts get paid a lot these days. Seems as reasonable as Page holding that many bills without some NCAA infraction taking place.
College Football is a hell of a drug.
Via Withleather via Brahsome
I do find it pretty ironic ESPN decided to let Dana "Fuck Notre Dame" Jacobson question the great Tiger Woods about using profanity in the heat of the battle. Wait a second, heat of what battle? This is fucking golf people. You know how hard it is to hit a little white ball straight while people are making noise around you. Thankfully football, baseball, basketball, hockey, and soccer players don't have to deal with such unruly and disgusting behavior such as someone trying to take their picture while they perform. I feel so bad for Tiger Woods having to deal with camera clicks on his downswing, how could one not go in a profanity laced tirade?
This non-story actually brings me back to a time when I attended the PGA Championship with my buddy Chuck back in 2001. Chuck and I are huge hackers and boozers out on the golf course and we have been known to use some profanity and even throw some golf clubs because the sport can be so frustrating at times because we suck so bad. Anyways, a year earlier we saw Tiger lose it on TV as he started shouting at the cameramen "WATCH THE CAMERA GUYS" in his best Dave Chappelle white guy voice. So of course after drinking a few cold ones we thought it would be hilarious if we started yelling at Tiger "HEY TIGER, WATCH THE CAMERAS!" Yes, it was juvenile as shit but funny none the less. You could see Tiger was just seething at us as he stared us down and it actually fucked up his whole game that weekend. He finished 29th. It was great.
The moral of the story: Not sure, but Tiger doesn't like to be fucked with while playing a game he dominates. And he sure as hell doesn't like to be asked stupid questions from a donkey with a microphone who herself likes to curse uncontrollably once she gets a little Vodka in her system.
Dear God, not in his swing people! Have you no mercy or dignity!
The most talented member of the original Fab Five at Michigan, I honestly had no idea Chris Webber was still playing basketball or even dated Tyra Banks. Webber's career is kind of undefinable. He was never a huge superstar partially because he played the majority of his career in Sacramento and also because he could never stay healthy. The most games he ever played in one season was actually his rookie season with 76. He will always be remembered for the ill timed timeout in the 1993 NCAA Championship game against North Carolina which prevented him and his talented yet eventually heavily sanctioned class from winning a title. For the most part of his career he averaged over 20 points and 10 rebounds a game yet his name doesn't come up when you think of top power forwards of all-time in the NBA. C-Webb, in my best non-gay description, I know it's difficult, was a good looking cat who probably scored tons of tail so none of us should feel sorry for him since he never played for a NBA Title or likely won't make the Hall of Fame. Playing basketball is about making money and scoring ass and we all know C-Webb scored a lot doing both.
So good-bye C-Webb, blow Tyra for me. Oh shit, I meant blow her a kiss or do a line off her ass, whatever shakes your boat.
Talk about one of the shittiest ways to go on the disabled list, Houston Astros newly acquired 2B Kaz Matsui could miss up to four weeks to recover from surgery to repair anal fissure the club announced today. Frankly I had never even heard of the phrase "anal fissure" and hopefully none of us will ever be diagnosed with it after reading about it on Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia here are some of what might be the causes to Matsui's sphincter pain...
Most anal fissures are caused by stretching of the anal mucosa beyond its capability. Many acute anal fissures will heal spontaneously. Some fissures become chronic and will not heal. The most common cause for this is spasm of the internal anal sphincter muscle. This spasm causes poor blood flow to the anal mucosa, hence producing an ulcer which does not heal since it is deprived of normal blood supply.
Scott's Shots uncovered this interesting transaction blurb courtesy of ESPN.com on March 24, 2008. Apparently Lidle never passed away in that horrible plane crash in New York City nearly two years ago as we were to believe. Obviously the WWL fucked up on this one and meant no harm or embarrassment to the Lidle family. Obviously the only person who has come back from the dead is Amy Winehouse(hmmm...back in rehab...shocker there).
You know this has nothing to do with sports but I just wanted everybody to know how much of a skank, psycho bitch former Mrs. Paul McCartney known today as Heather Mills is even after being awarded over $47 fucking million last week for being married to the famous Beetle for just over 4 years. She wants more, a lot more money according to Telegraph...
Heather Mills has hired a new team of forensic accountants to try to prove that ex-husband Paul McCartney is worth double the £400 million he claimed in their divorce struggle, according to friends of the former model.
The Daily Mail reports that Miss Mills has told friends she cannot support daughter Beatrice on the £35,000 a year awarded at the High Court, and is hoping to force Sir Paul to increase the payments.
Speaking outside the court immediately after the settlement, Miss Mills told reporters: "He's been worth £800million for the last 15 years."
She has also claimed to have recordings of McCartney saying he is worth £800million.
The 2007 Sunday Times Rich List estimated McCartney's wealth at £825million, including £400million held by his media company MPL Communications, and £138m inherited from his first wife, Linda.
Miss Mills had hired accountancy firm Lee and Allen in an attempt to discredit Sir Paul's own valuation of his wealth.
I'm already nominating this for Song of the Year. Screw any Coldplay or Rianna or whoever the fuck is popular right now. This song says it all. I might have to play it at my wedding in May just to see the mother-in-law's reaction. And I'm going to go ahead and nominate My New Haircut as funniest video of the year.
