I'M BACK

I just got back from a ten hour flight full of sweaty, B.O. stricken Europeans and fat Americans and am now sitting comfortably naked in front of my laptop eating peanut butter while my dogs get dangerously close. I'm just joking. I just got back from the movie theater watching Made of Honor with my wife with that hilarious and down right hunky Patrick Dempsey. See, I told everybody marriage wouldn't change me. And yes, Dempsey's hair is TOO die for. Does he just wake up with that marvelous mop every morning and kiss babies and make the world a better place?

Okay, I've been gone for way too long and need to get my sports fix back on. Europe was a blast no doubt but I honestly could care less about Hand Ball unless it involves me waking up and going to YouPorn. And soccer is still soccer and not fucking football! I tried to attend a game in Munich for some team called Bayern but then I realized there are 4 great Beer Gardens within the city so that was quickly nixed. I couldn't get one fucking baseball highlight over there which means I missed countless hours of talk about the Yankees slide and how the Red Sox are the greatest thing to happen to baseball since Jeffrey Mayer changed the fate of the game. But it was great to get back and turn on the tube and see my Baltimore Orioles are still playing great baseball despite having a starting lineup with more holes than a Greg Popovich close up. Hell, I ran into this wonderful, crazy mess of Marylanders preparing for Preakness by taking in an Orioles sweep of Boston last week...
HT to Mr. Irrelevant for the great footage.
Yeah, things have changed in Baltimore and it's not really smart to go in with a David Ortiz jersey talking shit. But we all know Boston fans are not like this and clearly he was enjoying himself some Dippin Dots and cotton candy before he was ambushed by those ruthless Orioles fans. Anyways, Boston Blows.

Speaking of Preakness, how about that ass kicking Big Brown pulled in Pimlico? I know the majority of you could care less about a horse running around a track unless it blows one of it's legs out but having attended numerous races in Pimlico I tend to love watching a horse dominate while a little man whips it while wearing chaps. But maybe that is just me and Marv Albert who enjoy this type of thing. Seriously though, I'm really pulling for Big Brown to kick ass in Belmont because like a lot of you I have never witnessed a horse take the Triple Crown. Sure the field he is going against might not be the greatest but I think we can all envision a new career for Barry Bonds as a thoroughbred.

It looks like my prediction of Spurs taking it all might be on the line tonight in New Orleans. If I was betting on the game I would run with that 4.5 point dog tonight in the Big Easy. The Spurs know how to win games like these. They will do tons of Manu flops and flagrant foul Chris Paul to death tonight for sure. I'm actually looking forward to this game. The energy should be amazing and if the Hornets don't come out with a deer in headlights look it should be a great game to the finish. Plus we get to hear the great Charles Barkley talk basketball and other irrelevant stuff which never gets old.

It looks like that Penguins trade for Marian Hossa and Pascal Dupuis from Atlanta has really worked out. Hossa looks like he has finally brushed off the playoff monkey off his back and Dupuis has played great too helping Pittsburgh reach the Stanley Cup Finals. The NHL is getting it's wish with their most marketable star in Sidney Crosby already in the Finals at just the age of 20. I'm sure Versus and NBC will be talking about the parallels between Sid and the Great One's career so far.

And I think I should finish off this post with a thank you note to USC for getting away with more shit in the OJ Mayo saga. I'm loving their claims of ignorance and not having any knowledge of wrong doing. Pete Carroll must have done such a hell of job brain washing the NCAA infraction committee for so long that Tim Floyd thought he could get away with shit too. But yeah, FUSC and their pretty girls and their great weather and smog covered beaches and their high priced "student"-athletes.

SUCKLE ON MY TEET

Nick Swardson at his bastardy best.

I leave with this video as a goodbye for a while. See, I'm getting married tomorrow at high noon. If you have been married for any period of time spare me the condolences. I'm already hook, line, and sinker into this. And if you are wondering if I am nervous then I must reassure you I am not. My fine lady makes me happy and most of all she puts up with my shit...which should win her a Nobel Peace Prize in my book. So yeah, the blog posts will be few and far between for the next couple of weeks while we are backpacking through Europe drinking the finest German beer while loving the beautiful scenery of Switzerland. So the honeymoon awaits with a beautiful lady in hand and a bottle of Absinthe in my backpack...

Yummy!

RYAN PERRILLOUX FINALLY KICKED OUT OF LSU

Okay people, put down the beer or the needle, whatever floats your boat, and be prepared for one of the most shocking things to happen since Michael Vick got busted for dog fighting. You might want to sit down for this one and grab a handful of kleenex. It's one of the most shocking developments in college football history. Yes, the homely saint known across the Bayou as Ryan Perrilloux, is now LSU's FORMER starting quarterback!

I never saw this coming!

Time to turn down the sarcasm meter and let's try to conquer a question the whole raving, foaming college football world has wanted to know: What in the hell did Perrilloux do to get his ass kicked out of LSU?

If you are the starting quarterback for a SEC team let alone a major Division 1 college you are guaranteed some things. One of them is plenty of white women. They may seem like good Catholic girls but deep down they all just want a salty piece of a football player. And by salty I mean semen. I didn't want to confuse anybody out there. Second thing you are guaranteed is the right to get away with a lot of shit most players wouldn't. See, if you are the starting quarterback you have as much say, hell more say, in a win or a loss as the head coach. If you play good the team usually wins. You play bad or have noodle legs from banging one too many white Catholic girls the night before your team will probably lose. This is not the case for the most part with the other football players. Most of them are interchangeable. Another thing you are guaranteed is some slack, if not downright forgiveness, for fucking up off the field.

So here is where Perrilloux enters, or better yet exits the discussion. This kid has had to fuck up more times than Amy Winehouse with heroin in order to get kicked out of LSU. The rumor is he failed another drug test. Supposedly the kid loves marijuana more than he loved playing football. In layman's terms it's called Quincy Carter disease. But this can't be the only reason why head coach Les Miles made the final decision. I'm imagining something way more horrific. Either this kid has dumped tens if not hundreds of dead hooker bodies in the water somewhere or he got caught molesting Miles wife and/or daughter. It's got to be the dead hooker story because Miles would be willing to sacrifice a family member for the good of the team. Hell, all good coaches worth their salt do it.

Perrilloux, let's be frank here, has an enormous amount of talent and could be one of the best QB's in the nation. He can throw and run with the best of them and has an NFL ready body that should make millions for him, his family, and of course his posse. But with all the talent he also has the brain the size of a teenage driver on their cellphone. Okay, maybe not that small but you get my point. The kid is an idiot. Before he even enrolled at LSU he proclaimed he would be the starting quarterback his freshman season because the other quarterbacks on the roster weren't impressive. Jamarcus Russell and Matt Flynn didn't take too kindly to the juvenile thoughts of one Perrilloux. Instead of taking a leadership role as ALL quarterbacks should he decided to smoke a ton of weed, counterfeit some money, and enter casinos with false identification while at LSU. And this is the stuff we only know about for sure. There had to be a ton of other illegal things like smuggling babies across the Mexican border or a secret cellar where he kept his latest victim because LSU doesn't kick players out. Especially the soon-to-be starting quarterback of the returning BCS National Champs.

LSU and Perrilloux will pick up the pieces of their failed marriage and move on and be better people for it. The Tigers have so much God given talent they will again compete for a SEC Title even without Perrilloux. Perrilloux has so much God given physical talent that some school will give him a second chance. Yes, Dennis Erickson just made the call followed by June Jones and Urban Meyer.

So what lesson can we learn from all this?

College Football is a hell of a drug that Perrilloux can't swallow!

RAMBLINGS AND RUMBLINGS

So many women are coming out of the "I banged Roger Clemens" closet(seriously Rocket, John Daly's ex-wife, that is just fucking gross) it is just a matter of time before Hillary Clinton admits using the Rocket for a revenge fuck.

The BCS has turned down any role of playoff because as ACC commissioner John Swofford declares, the BCS is an "unprecedented state of health." By state of health they mean the 11 conferences and Notre Dame are getting their pockets filled with confederate money. I find it humorous Notre Dame is even involved with these playoff talks and I think AD Kevin White should mind his own fucking business. Until Notre Dame actually wins a bowl game or joins a conference they have no right to even be involved in the discussion for a college football playoff. And yes, this is coming from a huge Notre Dame fan and supporter in myself.

How about those Orioles? Right now they can hit worth a shit(11th in the AL in runs scored) and don't have a regular player hitting over .300 but this team has something, an "it" factor, that makes you want to root for them to win every game. They sit in a tie for first place in their division and the players they acquired during the offseason(Scott, Jones, Sarfate, Albers, Sherrill, etc.) are all contributing. More good news for Orioles fans is the fact that high priced draft picks Matt Wieters and Jake Arrieta are both dominating in the minors and the O's organization finally seems to be on the right path in regards to paying for the best prospects and scouting the Dominicans.

While I appreciate the enthusiasm he displays, Matthew Stafford still has a long way to go before anybody should consider him a top 10 NFL pick. Stafford has been really consistent at being inconsistent and still needs to learn how to put some touch on the ball especially in the intermediate 5-15 yards crossing pattern plays. I'm not saying he isn't going to be a great quarterback but I think it is a little presumptuous to think he is going to have a great junior year and declare for the draft. On the other hand teammate Knowshon "Special K" Moreno looks like the real deal and should be right up there with Beanie Wells out of Ohio State as the best RB in college football and a good bet to come out after this season.

Talking about a shitty way to go out, how about dying at the hands, or make it jaws, of your favorite team's name? Adrian Ruiz died after being bitten by a gray shark and just happens to be a huge San Jose Sharks fan. Thank god Orioles and Thrashers aren't fierce birds and the Fightin Irish are too drunk to land a punch let alone piss in a commode.

It appears the great John Smoltz will be returning from the DL as a closer. Smoltzie was a beast for the 3 seasons when he closed for the Braves and nothing besides a bum shoulder and surgically repaired elbow is in his way of doing it again. I hate to say it but the Braves are already looking extremely old and thin in their rotation(Glavine and Hampton are no spring chickens either) and will be out of the playoff race come September. Unless of course they make a trade. Earn your paycheck Frank Wren.

Spurs are still winning the NBA Championship. Why should I even watch other than to listen to Charles Barkley? Substance over style wins Championships...

PEYTON MANNING LOVES HIS OFFENSIVE LINEMEN'S INPUT

Wow! You seriously do not want to get Peyton Manning's thong in a bunch. Personally I think I have more respect for Peyton now after seeing this clip where as others would be offended. He is the quarterback, the franchise actually, and he calls the plays and not the "f-ing" center Jeff Saturday. Guys like Peyton and Tom Brady can get away with this shit because they know how to win games and get paid the big bucks and bang the finest poon. Quarterbacks like Jeff George or Ryan Leaf pulls this shit and everybody laughs and calls them a "cockbag" to their face while they settle for some festering barfly at the local TGI Fridays. This is where knowing your role on the team becomes crucial.

So in other words don't piss off Peyton Manning. But if Rex Grossman starts talking shit to your face then you have the right to call him a no good lush who couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. Who said the NFL was the No Fun League?

Via BarstoolSports via FanHaus

GUYS DO IT ALL THE TIME

I've tried my hardest to avoid the whole Clemens having an affair story but this video was just too good not to post. Ryan Parker throws the high hard one back at Clemens with this great, coming of age video showing how the Rocket Man could let his erections, oh my bad, I mean his connections could get little Mindy real far. It's a love story only a man with the testosterone level of the Rocket Man could conceive. Or maybe a 73 year old Austrian man with a dungeon. To each it's own.

Video HT: Ryan Parker Songs

TORII HUNTER'S AFFAIR WITH SUZIE

I know everyone wants to talk about Roger Clemens and his totally platonic affair with country singer Mindy McCready but I'm honestly sick of talking about that lying redneck. Instead, why don't we focus on one of the good guys in the game, Mr. Torii "Suzie" Hunter. Hunter has now had a 9 month relationship with Suzie and things really seem to be heating up now that he is in Southern California. His wife and kids have no idea so please be sure to keep this on the down low.

Video HT: Hot Clicks

HONEST COLLEGE AD

From what I remember college was exactly like this...minus the actual studying.

TODD MCSHAY LOVES DONNIE AVERY

Seriously, what the fuck were the Rams thinking when they picked out the name of Donnie Avery out of Scott Linehan's cap? Just because his name magically appeared out of the hat doesn't mean you have to pick him. I have no idea how you can pass on talents like Desean Jackson, Malcolm Kelly, and yes, even Limas Sweed for a guy like Avery. I honestly had never even heard of him before the Rams took him.

This draft didn't make a lot of sense to me but maybe it's only because I have no idea how to evaluate talent. First off if I was the Falcon's GM there is no way I would have passed on Glenn Dorsey. Dorsey and McFadden were the two most talented players in the draft in my mind and also the ones which could provide the most impact. The Falcons went out and signed backup Michael Turner to a huge deal in the offseason thus negating the chance of drafting McFadden. They took Matt Ryan who could be the next Tim Couch or David Carr. Then they trade up to get a first round pick and take left tackle Sam Baker who was graded as a mid to late 2nd round pick. Instead of getting a Dorsey and say a Brian Brohm who will be a much better pro than Ryan they get a good to average left tackle and a quarterback who is inconsistent and throws a ton of interceptions. With the 37th and 48th picks they could have picked up a Trevor Laws or a Desean Jackson who could be immediate impact players. Instead they got a slow linebacker in Curtis Lofton who can't cover a snail and they still will have no tight ends or defensive tackles to play next year.

How in the hell did the Bears pass on Brian Brohm? Rex Grossman sucks balls and instead of drafting a future NFL starting QB you take fucking Matt Forte out of Tulane? A fucking RB? Are you kidding me Chicago? The rest of their draft looked really good especially getting WR Earl Bennett in the third round but I almost started crying from laughing so hard when the Bears passed on Brohm in the second round.

JOEL PINEIRO'S UNBELIEVABLE KICK SAVE

The St. Louis Blues could use Pineiro since he looks like a much better goalie than a major league pitcher.

Video HT: WithLeather

BOSTON CELTICS FANS ARE RETARDED

This clip via BarStoolSports just reaffirms what we already knew about Celtics fans: they are retarded. And please don't get offended by the word retard because if you are you should be happy you are not retarded. Retards don't get pissed when you call them retards so please don't get offended for them. When people call me retarded I just laugh uncontrollably, wipe the drool off my mouth, pick my ass and then smell my hand, and then take off my Larry Bird jersey to show them I am not retarded or from Boston.

MEL KIPER'S MYSPACE PAGE

On the eve of NFL Draft Day the great bloggers over at JoeSportsFan brings us the MySpace page of Mel Kiper Jr. Of course Kiper gets paid the big bucks to voice his opinion/knowledge on who will be good and who will fail in the NFL whereas I don't get paid jack to state something simple like the fact that Matt Ryan is going to suck balls in the NFL. I would take Brian Brohm and Joe Flacco before I took Ryan. Ryan is too inconsistent and throws a ton of interceptions. Last time I checked NFL QB's don't do very well with those two traits.

JOE SMITH "HECKLING" BLEACHER BUMS

Got to love the commentary by the camera guy. Yes, we get it, he likes to heckle.

I know what you are thinking, who the hell is Joe Smith? Apparently he plays for the New York Mets which is a Major League team and you should not mess with him according to the great Joe Smith. I'm not sure why he needs to start a fight with Cubs fans since they have suffered these past 100 years. It's like making fun of somebody who you know is going to die only Cubs fans have been dying since...well...since they decided to pledge their allegiance to the Lovable Losers.

Video HT: Deadspin

GEORGIA LANDS ELITE QB, NOTRE DAME GETS ANOTHER RECRUIT

The Georgia Bulldogs added one more football player to their already stellar 2009 class today by securing the verbal commitment of Tampa QB Aaron Murray, who picked the Bulldogs over rival Florida. Murray is one of the most highly rated QB's in the nation and after watching his video he looks to be the most impressive in my mind. At 6'1 he is not one of the tallest QB's but the kid is an athlete who can scramble, throws a hell of a deep ball, and is extremely accurate with a ton of velocity with his passes. He looks better on film than USC commit and overall #1 player Matt Barkley and I won't be surprised when Rivals and Scout come out with their new evaluations showing Murray as a top 10 player in the nation.

ESPN's recruiting analyst Tom Luginbill thinks highly of Murray:

"Without a doubt, he has the quickest release and most velocity of any quarterback who I've seen in the 2009 class," Luginbill said. "The negative on him is that he lacks height, but there are ways to compensate for that within the scheme. You can't coach a guy to get rid of the football the way he does, a player can either do it or he can't. And Murray has an exceptionally quick release."

"You're looking at a guy who is every bit the passer that Matt Stafford is with more athleticism," Luginbill said. "He may give Mark Richt and that offensive coaching staff more athleticism from the quarterback position.

"He's a blend between a pocket-passer and a dual-threat guy. I wouldn't call him D.J. Shockley, but he's much more athletic than David Greene and Matt Stafford. So, you're looking at a guy who is somewhere between a Shockley and a Stafford [in terms of athletic ability]."

Murray threw for over 4000 yards, 51 touchdowns with only 7 interceptions and should have a chance to compete right away with Logan Gray and Joe Cox at UGA once Stafford leaves for the NFL. To get a feel with what Aaron Murray sounds like while talking to Tony Gwynn on helium, take a look at this YouTube video...


And here are some highlights from his junior season. The kid looks like another Drew Brees to me minus the birthmark...


Notre Dame picked up their second elite RB in less than a week yesterday by landing the verbal commitment of Theo Riddick. The 5'11, 190 pound tailback is out of New Jersey(Charlie Weis country) and is a preseason top 250 player according to Rivals and is on the ESPN Top 150 Watchlist as an athlete. Riddick stated he just felt right with Notre Dame all along:

"It was just a great experience" visiting Notre Dame, said Riddick, who led Immaculata to a 12-0 season and a state Non-Public Group III title in 2006 and a 11-1 season and a berth in the Non-Public Group III title game last season. "I blended straight in. That's when I knew I wanted to go there."

Riddick also plays safety and cornerback for Immaculata High School and has the quickness, speed, and athleticism to play multiple positions at Notre Dame if runningback doesn't work out. After watching his film I think he could be a great cornerback in college, much like an athlete in the mold of a Tom Carter or Todd Lyght. Riddick is the 4th commitment to what is already forming to be another excellent recruiting class under Charlie Weis.

KOBE DOING HIS BEST MJ

How is Marcus Camby considered one of the top 3 defensive players in the league and yet the Nuggets defense is horrible? Kobe went for 49 last night while toying with announcers Marv Albert and Reggie Miller who were doing play-by-play for TNT. I'm still looking forward to see how Kobe responds to the Denver crowd with what should be plenty of heckling considering the whole rape issue. But yeah, the Lakers are looking like serious title contenders.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

GREATEST UMPIRE EVER: DAN IOSSAGNO

This is from the Atlanta Braves-Washington Nationals game from a couple of nights ago. MLB might want to investigate the 1st base umpire for having money on the game...

I can only imagine what Bobby Cox shouted at him.

Something like this sounds about right: "R-U-A-FUKING-RETARD?"

It's one thing to get screwed by a call at home but it is another thing when everybody sees a horrible call all at once. Announcer Joe Simpson sounded like he got caught in Ned's dungeon via Pulp Fiction for heaven's sake.

And for anybody thinking umpire Dan Iossagno isn't taking money, well, I just found he lives down the street from me in Marietta, GA. I must have rubbed off on him.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

NOW IT'S PERSONAL

Jorge Arangure Jr. of ESPN Magazine has an excellent article on the bitter feud between native Colombian baseball players Edgar Renteria and Orlando Cabrera. I've wondered why the country of Colombia doesn't produce baseball players like Venezuela does and I guess this provides a certain insight as to maybe why. It's too bad Renteria and Cabrera can't get along and I must admit I see Renteria in a totally different way after reading the article. Renteria kind of comes off as a dick while it appears Cabrera is trying to reconcile the differences by at least talking.

If I were them I would just get some Colombian bam-bam, some hookers, and some booze, maybe cross swords and just make up already. Those silly Pablo Escobars' down there will never learn.

F*CK EARTH DAY

It's been a while since I poured some oil on some ducks or thrown my empty beer bottles back in the lake or on the side of the road where they belong. But now after watching this inspiring video from the crazy old Grandpa all of us wish we had, I think I might go out there and rip my Hummer through a field of sunflowers before I urinate on them. I feel so much better now that I can contribute to society in a meaningful way.

SPURS TAKE 2-0 SERIES LEAD OVER SUNS

"Where Cheating Happens"...sounds like the slogan for Balco.

LARRY MUNSON AS THE VOICE OF GOD

I can already see all the Georgia fans nodding in agreement while picking their noses. Oh wait, I'm doing that right now, never mind.

Video HT: EDSBS