MICHIGAN'S BIGGEST FAN

The dog goes by the name of Ann Arbor. What a whore!

Image HT: Barstool Sports

DRUNK JOKE

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'



The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'


Joke HT: Kevin

HUNGER RELIEF: WHAT IT MEANS TO ME

JIM TRESSEL DOESN'T NEED YOUR HAND SHAKE MACK BROWN

The Sweatervest is giving Mack Brown the stiff Buckeye as he loses yet another BCS game. This makes it 6 straight BCS bowl losses for the Big Ten conference. Yeah, they suck.

Even Big Ten commissioner Jim Delaney admits the Big Ten is just not good after watching the Rose Bowl:

You look at it and ask: Did the players play hard, and were they prepared?" Delany asked. "Yes and yes. You know what? SC's a better football team. In all of the [bowl] games I've watched, I'm seeing us get beat by better teams.

"Then you say: Why is that? I don't have a great answer other than to say that these things tend to be cyclical."

No quotes were necessary after last night's Fiesta Bowl(DVD available here). The Big Ten still sucks.

Image HT: Deadspin

MLB HOT STOVE FINALLY HEATING UP

With the exception of the Spankees dishing out over $400 million for 3 players the MLB Hot Stove has been luke warm so far. That is until yesterday.

The Tampa Bay Rays got great value for free agent left fielder and now full-time DH Pat Burrell by signing him to a two year, $16 million contract. Burrell is an excellent fit in the Rays lineup and while he may not be the hitter that say a Mark Teixeira is you can not argue at $8 mil a season he is an incredible value signing and can put up similar numbers while being paid about $15 million less a season than that mercenary douche bag up in New York. Burrell has averaged over 30 home runs and 100 RBI's in his career and he should be able to drive in a ton of runs with upcoming superstars Evan Longoria and B.J. Upton due for breakout seasons and Carl Crawford and Carlos Pena being rock solid in a lineup that will now rival anybody in the American League. A lot of people want to assert that the Rays will be one year wonders with the mighty Red Sox and Yankees restoring hierarchy order this season but they are dead wrong. With the signing of Burrell to compliment the offense and the Rays already possessing a starting pitching rotation that is the deepest and most talented in the majors they should be the favorite to win the AL East in my opinion.

On the opposite side of a great value for a free agent signing is the apparent 3 year, $30 million dollar contract the Chicago Cubs dished out to get the walking nutcase that is Milton Bradley. I will agree that Bradley is a good player when he plays but the guy can't stay healthy and even gets injured when he is arguing with umpires. He clearly has anger management issues and I can only imagine how he will react when he gets taunted by the drunks in Wrigley. Actually, now that I think about it this could be the most entertaining story of the offseason. Bradley doesn't take criticism well and I can already see him exploding on Lou Piniella when sweet Lou so as much whispers to the media that he is disappointed in Bradley not giving a 100%. The Cubs are clearly the most talented team in the NL Central and should be the favorite to win the division this year but I think Bradley is going to be nothing but a distraction. If he can keep his mouth shut and stay healthy then it's a great signing but his history points to the opposite. Have fun Cubs fans.

The A's are reportedly close to bringing back Jason Giambi on a one year contract for just a little over $5 million. Giambi is old (37) but is still capable of hitting 25 plus home runs even off the juice and can drive in runs and get on base plenty of times with walks. The addition of Matt Holiday and Giambi this offseason adds a ton of punch to the middle of a rather pedestrian A's lineup. This signing won't make them the favorite to win the AL West but it does get them closer to the Angels and with some additional signings and/or trades they could overtake them this season.

The dominos should start to fall in place for other free agents like Adam Dunn, Garrett Anderson, Rocco Baldelli, Bobby Abreu, Manny Ramirez, Ben Sheets, Derek Lowe and others. We still have another 6 weeks till pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training but the players and agents for that matter should be getting antsy to get something done. With every day passed the market and value in a potential contract goes down.

When a man needs a blowjob, he NEEDS a blowjob!

Okay, I am not a big fan of copying and pasting from a website, but I'm going to have to do it this morning. I used to work for TNT many moons ago, and Sir Charles didn't disappoint on the set or during the breaks. The guy is a giant beast of a firecracker, and is a super friendly guy. I thought this story was great! It just goes to show you that a man will do just about anything to get some good head!
The following was taken from-
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/1231081barkley1.html


"DECEMBER 31--Following his arrest earlier today for drunk driving, Charles Barkley told Arizona cops that he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up a girl who had "given him a 'blow job' one week earlier," which the former NBA star described as "the best one he had ever had in his life." According to a Gilbert Police Department report, a copy of which you'll find here, police asked Barkley where he was going at the time of the 1:26 AM traffic stop in Scottsdale. "You want the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job," answered Barkley, who is pictured in the below mug shot. A cooperative Barkley also joked with a civilian police employee that, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass" if it would get him out of the DUI charge. Barkley, 45, was busted after failing field sobriety tests, and had blood drawn so investigators could establish his alcohol content. Barkley was cited for a misdemeanor charge and released at the scene, thus avoiding a trip to the Maricopa County jail. Barkley, now a basketball commentator on TNT, was elected to the NBA Hall of Fame in 2006. His 16-year career included an MVP award and a spot on the 1992 U.S. Olympic basketball squad, the so-called Dream Team that captured the gold medal. He has several prior arrests, including a 1997 aggravated battery bust and a 1991 assault collar."

EMAIL OF THE DAY

Subject: Ann Arbor
From: *&#til@aol.com
To: matt@sportscrack.com
Date: Mon, 5 Jan 2009 5:58 pm
"Ann Arbor is a Whore"? Don't expect any Wolverine fans to buy any merchandise from you.

I love these type of emails because it gives me comfort to know that yes, no stinking Wolverine fan will ever buy merchandise from me. I don't think I would have it any other way. And with DickRod now roaming the sidelines in Ann Arbor I wouldn't expect too many people buying Michigan merchandise in the near future. Oh well, I guess I should feel kind of bad since I did sell a few Michigan helmets before Christmas. Nah!

UPDATE: Here is a picture from this year's ND-scUM matchup from a big fan of whomever plays Michigan...

He got laid multiple times from St. Mary's school girls after this picture was taken. The power of the Ann Arbor is a Whore shirt is known to cause an insatiable desire in women.

FIESTA BOWL PREDICTION

Yet another bowl game without any BCS Title implications but plenty of conference bragging rights at stake. As we know the Ohio State University has struggled to put it mildly in the past two BCS Championship games against SEC teams but this year they get the benefit of being a big traditional power and put into the Fiesta Bowl although they don't deserve it. They got crushed two years ago in the desert by Florida but before that they had won 4 straight games in the "Fiesta" Bowl. They come in looking to prove they belong in a BCS Bowl game and that the Big Ten isn't as slow and pathetic as most of the pundits think. One of those pundits being me.

The Texas Longhorns come in with a chip on their shoulder after being bypassed by Oklahoma for the Big 12 Title game and the BCS Title game. They want to prove they deserve to be considered the best team out of the Big 12 and in some people's minds a win against Ohio State would stamp a National Championship season. Not in the polls or trophy but in their burnt orange hearts. After seeing Mizzou struggle with Northwestern and Oklahoma State and Texas Tech play little to no defense in bowl losses this game will go along way in proving just how worthy the Big 12 was in getting the unofficial claim as toughest conference in the nation this year. If Texas comes out and lays an egg with Ohio State blowing them out and then Oklahoma gets throttled by Florida like I think they will on Thursday then all those ridiculous numbers that the QB's put up this year in the Big 12 will look artificial.

But tonight I don't think Texas will lose. The Longhorns have speed and playmakers on both sides of the ball and they will look to harass and cause Buckeye freshman QB Terrelle Pryor to throw some costly interceptions. The Buckeyes will either win closely or lose badly depending on Pryor's performance tonight. If he can just manage the game like Joe Flacco did yesterday for the Ravens and not have any turnovers and let their veteran defense do the talking then they have a good chance. But I don't see a freshman QB in the big game doing that. Pryor will be a stud but he is bound to make some mistakes tonight.

On the other hand Texas QB Colt McCoy is going against his toughest defense of the year. The Buckeyes will be blitzing nonstop and will do their best to keep McCoy in the pocket. If McCoy manages to get out of the pocket with space then the Buckeyes will be in for a long night. His receivers including his tight end are underrated and can stretch the field. Texas will go vertical early and often. The Buckeyes will look to establish a ground game behind elite RB Beanie Wells who is more than likely playing in his last game for the Scarlet and Gray. I think Wells will put up over 80 yards on the ground but it won't be enough.

Texas wins in the desert behind a brilliant performance from Colt McCoy.

Texas Longhorns 35
Ohio State Buckeyes 20

THE GOOD WIFE

I think this goes without saying but maybe all women could take this advice to heart and revise their New Year's resolution to become the good wife. I wonder what John McCain would think of "The Good Wife" video. Let's take a look...

MY THOUGHTS ON THE NFL PLAYOFFS

First off I wanted to state that I thought all 4 road teams would win this week. Unfortunately I was wrong and it further proves why I stopped betting this football season. The first game I watched was the Atlanta-Arizona clash at the University of BS Stadium in Glendale. I almost popped a blood vessel at all the bad calls going against the Falcons. Literally the refs were giving the Cardinals reach arounds the whole game. Don't believe me well then take a look...

The Cardinals were consistently offsides and because of this they got a lot of pressure on Matt Ryan and stuffed Michael Turner all day. I believe the refs only threw one flag for offsides all day and the Cardinals took advantage of two big plays and two big turnovers to win their first home playoff game since...oh shit...ever! They get the luxury of traveling to Carolina this weekend where they will be killed.

I see Tomlinson pulled his annual Vagina clap injury and stood on the sidelines as his backup Darren Sproles helped lead the Chargers to an improbable upset victory over the Indianapolis Colts. Sproles who if he borrowed high heels from LT's locker would be maybe 5'7 had over 300 all-purpose yards and the little guy proved he has more heart and grit than LT has on one of his stained thongs. People will now claim Peyton Manning is a choke artist in the playoffs after once again winning a regular season MVP and then pulling lame with a losing effort in the playoffs. I would not argue with it. Besides the year they won the Super Bowl thanks to Rex Grossman wearing the opposing uniform Manning has been very average come playoff time. The Chargers now advance to face the Steelers in Pittsburgh and have a good chance of upsetting them if they manage to keep Philip Rivers uniform somewhat stain free from a relentless defense.

The Ravens looked like the dominant team in the matchup with the Dolphins and forced Miami into 5 turnovers. Chad Pennington had Ed Reed on speed dial all day as the best defensive player in the game had two INT's while returning one for a TD. The Raven's defense will need to be on lockdown again as they travel to Tennessee to face a Titans team that will put a lot more pressure on rookie QB Joe Flacco. As long as Flacco doesn't turnover the ball then I expect the Ravens to win.

Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, and Brian Dawkins came up with huge playoff performances once again as the Eagles beat the Vikings to advance to a NFC East showdown in East Rutherford. I think who ever wins the Eagles-Giants game will advance to the Super Bowl to represent the NFC, or as Sean Kennedy calls it the Triple A of football.

KATHY GRIFFIN HAS A DIRTY MOUTH

And I think I like it. Yes, she is disgusting and she was doing a New Year's Eve Show with Anderson Cooper on CNN but you have to give her a hand for this smackdown she gave on live air...


Video HT: WWTDD

RANDOM LATE CHRISTMAS VIDEO

I know this is a week late but I thought this video was priceless...

A LITTLE INSPIRATION GOING INTO 2009

Okay, so maybe your 401K went to shit like mine this past year and your house value went down quicker than Julia Roberts on a casting couch but not all of 2008 was bad. For me personally it was a great year. I got married to the girl of my dreams without having to handcuff her to the well I made in the backyard in case she said no. My favorite sports teams in the Baltimore Orioles, Notre Dame Football, and Atlanta Thrashers all managed to play horrible this season when I did not attend their games but when I did they won them all. What can I say other than I'm good luck! We finally got over the whole hoopla over electing someone with some brains for once and picked a great candidate in Barack Obama. We got some of the greatest, most courageous human beings serving in our military right now who deserve a solid pat on the back and a thank you. We got to witness one of the best movie performances of all-time by the late Heath Ledger in the Dark Knight. We also got unbelievable performances from Michael Phelps in the Olympics. The New York Giants won the Super Bowl thanks to the greatest play in Super Bowl history with Eli Manning alluding Patriot defenders and David Tyree catching the impossible with his helmet and hand. Tiger Woods fought through a terrible injury to seal another US Open win. We got to witness the greatest tennis match of all-time as Rafael Nadal edged Roger Federer in the epic Wimbledon Final. The Tampa Bay Rays proved you don't have to have all the money in the world and can still win the American League East thanks to good scouting and development especially among pitching(take a hint Baltimore). 2008 might go down as the best sport year considering all the brilliant performances in big time moments.

So maybe your team didn't win a championship or maybe they didn't win at all like the Detroit Lions. At least you are still here walking on the face of the greatest nation to ever be assembled. Cheer the fuck up and be ready to rock out in 2009.

Here is your inspirational speech going into 2009:



Here is to looking forward to 2009 when the Atlanta Falcons will take on the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl. Here is to the North Carolina basketball team finishing off an undefeated season by beating the Tar out of everybody. Here is to Notre Dame finally getting their shit together and beating USC at home in a magical season that ends in BCS chaos. Here is to thanking every single one of you who come on this blog and put up with my rants and rambles.

Have a great New Years!

BCS GAMES START TOMORROW, WHY NOT GET THE SHIRT TO START THE NEW YEAR?

With the BCS games starting tomorrow I thought now would be a great time to promote one of our shirts. Our BC$ shirt is one of the most popular ones we sell coming in 4th in annual sales behind Ann Arbor is a Whore, FUSC, and Drink Like A Champion Today. I think this goes to show you that people really don't like the BCS and want playoffs instead of this bullshit system we have right now.
Here are my predictions for the BCS games tomorrow. The Rose Bowl again will be a home game for the O.J.'s. They face JoePa's State Penn squad who also only has one loss on their resume. Both teams would have a legitimate shot at a NC in a playoff system so I think this game might be a little tighter than most people think. The O.J.'s and State Penn both play great defense and the O.J.'s have at least 5 guys on their D who will be 1st round picks either this year or next. Their offense isn't anything special but I think they will pull out some tricks tomorrow and overwhelm State Penn with some reverses and tailback passes.
Prediction: O.J.'s 24 State Penn 17

The other game is the Orange Bowl. You have the ACC Champ vs. the Big East Champ. In other words the one BCS Bowl that really no one gives a shit about except for those fan bases. Virginia Tech is so damn boring to watch it's like trying to stay awake during a Harry Potter film. And if you like Harry Potter please just go away now or come back when your balls decide to drop. Cincy won the Big East which kind of like winning a pie eating contest. Sure you ate the most pies but it in the end you are still just a fat kid with shit all over your face, you just ate more shit than the other fatties. Honestly I don't give a fuck about the Orange Bowl and I probably won't even watch it. I hear Brian Kelly is a helluva coach and that Frank Beamer's growth knows how to teach special teams but whatever, I don't care. I've probably seen all of 20 minutes of film on both these teams combined so this prediction is as garbage as one you would get on the WWL.
Prediction: Frank Beamer's growth 17 Big Least 14

OREGON'S LEGARRETTE BLOUNT HURDLES OVER THE COWBOYS

The Holiday Bowl is known for having one of the most exciting bowl games because it usually matches up two teams that don't know how to play defense. Last night was a perfect example as the Oregon Ducks beat the Oklahoma State Cowboys thanks to this incredible run by Oregon RB Legarrette Blount...

Hell of a run by Blount but seriously, what was up with the safety on the play? It's like he decided to play grab ass for five yards thinking those hideous Duck uni's might be toxic. I know Nike is a global brand and people love it for the most part because they have Asian kids making them for 15 cents a day but can they please come up with a better uniform to represent the Oregon Ducks? Their uniforms remind me of the disco fabulous 70's and early 80's uniforms sported by teams like the Houston Astros, Pittsburgh Pirates, and Baltimore Orioles. They made you sick just to look at them. Maybe that is the allure of the Oregon uniform. Defenders are so turned off they don't even want to get near it let alone tackle it.

I also wanted to show this clip of St. Louis Ram's RB Steven Jackson hurdling an Atlanta Falcon's defender on Sunday. After watching the game there is little doubt in my mind that Jackson is one of the 2-3 best runningbacks in the game right now. He plays on a shit team but the guy brings the business 100% of the time he touches the ball and I personally would love to have a player of Jackson's ability and heart on my team unlike nancy boy Tomlinson....


Video HT: FanIQ

CHASE DANIEL'S FAMILY IS HIGHLY EMOTIONAL

The bat shit crazy lady on the left is the mother of Missouri QB Chase Daniel. She appears to be somewhat normal in comparison to her daughter, the girl in the middle, who had the look on her face like she just witnessed 2 Girls 1 Cup for the first time. And the awesome lassie on the right of the screen is Daniel's girlfriend who is looking forward to traveling with him while he auditions for scout QB jobs in the NFL. Missouri won the battle of the journalism schools last night by beating Northwestern in another bowl game I had absolutely no interest in and honestly can say I didn't watch one highlight of it.

On the other hand I watched about 10 hours of the NFL on Sunday because the games actually meant something. Starting with the Falcon's game against the Rams and then proceeding with the Eagles unbelievably awesome beat down of the Cowgirls followed up by the nightcap of the Chargers laying the River's lumber down on a terrible Broncos team to get in the playoffs. By the way, LT is one of biggest vaginas in the world. People love him but as soon as he gets a hangnail or his anal cavity flaps in the wind he comes out with an "apparent" injury. Man up for once LT and play like a leader you piece of shit.

Sorry for that readers, had to get it off my chest. Never been a huge fan of Tomlinson who really doesn't deserve his nickname. The real LT would do blow all day and then kick the living shit out of QB's whom I sure were doing blow too while murdering runningbacks like they were Ray Lewis in Atlanta. He deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Tomlinson should be in the Hall of Roast Beef ends. If you don't believe me then why don't you ask his "action" figurine...



Video HT: Barstool Sports

HAKEEM NICKS SECURES A GREAT CATCH AND FUTURE NFL MILLIONS

North Carolina WR Hakeem Nicks put on a one man show today against West Virginia in a losing effort on the field at the Meineke who gives a rat's ass bowl. But Nicks will be winning millions of future NFL dollars in April once he is selected in the first round after brilliant catches like this one today...

Michael Crabtree would still be my #1 choice for a receiver in the draft but the way Nicks uses his size and his ability to snag some difficult balls would make it very hard for any NFL GM to pass on. Especially the Detroit Lions. Seriously, the Lions are dumb enough to take another receiver. It's not even funny anymore.

MICHAEL FLOYD'S GOLDEN SHOWER MOMENT

It's always great to hear porn references during a Notre Dame football game. It's just a matter of time before the money shot comes along. Thank god the bowl curse is over and now Notre Dame can go into an offseason with the momentum of a bowl victory. Sure it was only the Hawaii Bowl but it gets the monkey off their backs.

HAWAII BOWL THOUGHTS

No more excuses for Notre Dame. They have to win this bowl game. Hawaii is not good and for that matter either is Notre Dame but they should win because they have way more experience and talent than the Warriors.

Every position on the field except maybe defensive line they have a huge advantage in terms of playing time and talent. Sure it's a home game for Hawaii but it shouldn't matter. If the Fighting Irish can not find enough motivation to end a 15 year bowl game losing streak tonight and wipe off the disgust of a 6-6 campaign then they don't deserve to wear the blue and gold.

Man up Irish! Come out with some fire and get ready to knock the shit out of your opponent. Stop being the nice guys. This is football. Kill or be killed. Throw bombs to Golden Tate. Run reverses to Golden Tate. Do direct snaps to Golden Tate. The point is get the ball into Golden Tate's hands as much as possible. Stop fucking around with your opponent and show some pride and determination to be the best that you can be and go out there and win one for the Limper.

Prediction:Notre Dame 31 Hawaii 24

The bowl curse is finally over. Michael Haywood leaves ND to go to Miami of Ohio with a good taste in his mouth knowing the last two places he left their programs won National Championships (LSU and Texas) the year after. One can only hope the same happens for the Irish in 2009.

ROY FIRESTONE'S THOUGHTS ON THE TEIXEIRA SIGNING

Just to give you some background information Roy Firestone is a huge Baltimore Orioles fan. He doesn't do "Up Close" anymore on ESPN but still follows sports avidly and is very passionate in regards to his favorite team the Orioles. Here is what he posted today on Orioles Hangout after learning Mark Teixeira was going to sign with the New York Yankees...

Look. You could argue that the O's shouldve ponied up another 2 million more a year..make it 16 or 17 extra million... but somehow I think no matter what, the Yankees would have gone even higher.
This is just wrong.
Baseball should not be run by money. The game should not be dominated by a handful of teams. And theres no way that four of the highest paid players in the game should play on the same team.
Think about that.
Four players on the same team make more than entire budgets of many major league teams.
I think I know where you are going. Well.. what if it had been the Red Sox or the Angels or even the Nats? Would that make this more just? Of course not. I find this whole execise despicable..EVEN if it had been the Orioles who signed him at that number!!
I will make a prediction. And it is not just mine. I think baseball will hit some serious financial problems and one or two teams will go bankrupt. Maybe more.
Most fans will resent the financial inequity and the inability to compete. Baseball could be villified for this.
I believe the Yankee franchise will be in serious financial trouble someday, perhaps in the not too distant future.
Its already unbelievable that it costs a family of four something close to 200 to 250 dollars to enjoy a baseball game at the ballpark. The Yankees have single game tickets in the box area that go for an astonishing 2,500 dollars.
This is wrong. This is an insult to the American sports fan.On top of that with this country teetering into an unemployment rate of 8-9% and maybe higher...baseball has got a lot of nerve.
This is a dark day for sports in America.

I couldn't agree more with Roy. I have this sinking feeling that we will have some MLB teams fold because so many teams are going to be strapped with ridiculous contracts that can not be torn apart. Paying a baseball player $20 million plus a season is beyond ridiculous. Paying one $15 million a season is also way too much. A player like Mark Teixeira doesn't sell tickets. He isn't a Albert Pujols or a Manny Ramirez or even a Derek Jeter. Those guys sell tickets.

MLB needs to adopt the NFL model in pay if it wants to succeed in the future. No contracts are guaranteed except your signing bonus. This way small market teams other than the big market teams can compete for free agents and not be afraid to get caught with a debilitating chokehold of a contract around their neck for years to come. The player doesn't perform up to their pay scales then they deserve to be cut just like all of us do if we don't perform to the highest standards set by our profession.

But whatever, it doesn't matter what I think because MLB and their officials could honestly care less. In the end the league will only fail if people stop going. I'm starting now by not throwing out my hard earned money for the MLB package in the spring. I can find better ways to spend my $169 for a product/business that cares less what the fans think. I will go to the games but only if they are free tickets or if I can buy them off a scalper for less than face value. I've been kicked in the nuts way too many times to not learn to protect myself from future ball pain.