YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

BIG PAPI NEEDS ROIDS...BADLY

2009 STATS

150 AT-BATS

0 HOME RUNS

15 RBI'S

.317 SLUGGING PERCENTAGE

.650 OPS

Less than 3 years after he hit a league leading 54 bombs in 2006 the great Big Papi can't even hit one in a fucking hitter's park. And people were giving Andruw Jones shit in LA for sucking. They better start piling on David Ortiz up in Boston. The incredible shrinking Papi is a shell of his former self since they started testing. But who gives a shit right? They got two rings with him in Boston. If I was a Red Sox fan I still wouldn't consider the two championships tainted even with Manny and Big Papi obviously cheating the whole time. Every team had somebody cheating on it. If you weren't cheating then I guess you weren't trying.

But I think Big Papi might want to keep his mouth shut the next time he says something like this...

"I would suggest everybody get tested, not random, everybody," he said. "You go team by team. You test everybody three, four times a year and that's about it." And if a player tests positive for steroids? "Ban 'em for the whole year," the slugger said.

MY PICK FOR THE PREAKNESS

Since you are no longer allowed to BYOB at Preakness I could really give two shits about it. Way to take the fun out of Preakness. No more Port-a-Potty races or naked slip n slide. Instead you will have an infield full of overpriced beer with only the "rich" college kids attending from schools like John Hopkins. Can't wait to see a bunch of Hopkins brainiacs slugging Black-Eyed Susans while their slutty girlfriends give head to whomever will buy them a drink. Bring back the Natty Light. Bring back the fun. And bring back the normal people.

Anyways my pick to win the Preakness is Fergie. As you can see in the picture above the horse-faced, former singer of The Black Eyed Peas will no doubt win a close race thanks to the numerous Black-Eyed Susans she will consume before exiting her stable. That beast of a Filly has been getting either heavy dosages of Chris Brown love smacks or her face has turned into a Cinnabon.

So throw $100 on Fergie and thank me later. There is no way that horse face doesn't win in Pimlico.

CHARLES BARKLEY HITS BAMA FAN WITH HIS SWING OF BEAUTY

It goes to show you that no matter how many lessons you receive from the world's best golf pro in Hank Haney you can not cure the shit that is Charles Barkley's golf swing.





Hey Bama fan, how about next time you not stand in front of Charles Barkley while he is teeing off.


Video HT: Al.com

BEST OF KENNY POWERS

Listen, I'm too lazy and busy to type blogs about sports today. It's called the Fairchild syndrome. Some people call it a disease, I call it fucking Thursday. Anyways, here are some clips of Eastbound and Down. The greatest fucking television show ever. And unfortunately it's not available On Demand right now because it's too fucking awesome.



"Honey I love you, I think you are a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead!"

Feel free to leave some of your favorite Kenny Powers lines in the comments section.

DESPITE THESE PICS I STILL DON'T LIKE JOAKIM NOAH

Ever since I saw this pothead's ugly mug in Gainesville there has always been something really annoying about him that just gets under my skin. Maybe it was his Michael Strahan smile or his disgusting long hair or maybe the way he danced but there has always been an instant turn the channel moment for me when current Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah shows up for any considerable amount of time on screen. TMZ now has pictures of Noah having a grand old time with some chick with big fake jugs down in St. Barts. This makes me only hate him more. Supposedly the topless girl is his girlfriend which in NBA terms means he is stuck with her for a while because he gave her some kind of STD. It's called the Dwyane Wade rule. Maybe hate is a little too strong of a word to use for Noah. I give him props for hooking up with Milkjugs. She doesn't look like some Alien form that A-Roid would fuck.

Speaking of players I can't stand, there is a certain shortstop for the Atlanta Braves who thinks he is A-Roid. Yunel Escobar carries himself in a way that only blind people could admire. He has frosted tips and doesn't run or hustle worth a shit. He thinks he is a superstar but the guy has as much range at shortstop as Adam Dunn in the outfield. Every time I see Escobar I want to punch him in his cocky face. You are no A-Roid or Chipper for that matter so stop acting like you are hot shit Yunel. I'm not going to deny the talent that Escobar possesses but if the dipshit doesn't at least hustle a little bit more than I don't see why the Braves kept him this offseason. Get rid of the frosted hair and the smug look of superstardom you think you have become. You are nothing but a tool Yunel who can occasionally hit doubles but are too lazy to leg them out for triples. And stop hitting into so many fucking double plays please. It gets really annoying when the Braves get some momentum and you come up and hit into an inning ending DP for the 5th time in less than a week. Seriously, you hit into more DP's than strikeouts on inside fastballs by Jordan Schafer.

WALLY BACKMAN IS A CUNNING LINGUIST

Speaking of the 1986 New York Mets, here we have former "portable potty" member and current South Georgia Peanuts minor league manager Wally Backman going off his young team after a tough loss. He seems like a nice guy. I actually can't blame him for his tirade. Have you seen South Georgia? The mosquito's are bigger the women down there.

Video HT: WithLeather via Playing for Peanuts

KYRA SEDGWICK IS AN INCREDIBLE ACTRESS

Not often can one make TNT's Craig Sager look good, especially in those hideous suits, but actress Kyra Sedgwick does a fine job. She might want to stick to the script though of "This game is fantastic!" or the NBA is "Where amazing happens!" instead of trying to improvise her role of "NBA Fan." She obviously doesn't know the difference between an old catcher's mitt and Kevin Bacon's face at this point. Actually I might not be able to tell the difference at this stage.



I actually love the fact that she knows she is bombing on live television but just smiles thinking that her pretty face will get her off just like the first time she sat on a directors couch. I think it's called the Denise Richards method.

FIRST EVER STREAKER AT CITI FIELD

As you can see this jackass made "history" by being the first streaker at the Met's Citi Field. I'm sure it was fun for him after they escorted him off the field and clubbed him like a baby seal. It's what New York cops do. They have a lot of pressure on them ever since NYPD Blue came out and we saw Dennis Franz bare ass on screen. You can't tell me the police department doesn't hold a grudge for that portrayal.

I got some things I need to get off my chest about the new Shea Stadium. First off why in the hell do they have a Jackie Robinson memorial there? I get it that Jackie is an institution on itself in regards to baseball and his name is held in high regards to the desegragation in Major League Baseball. But last time I checked he never played for the Mets. He was a Dodger. Just because the owner has some creepy fascination with Robinson doesn't make it right. Shouldn't it be about the Mets history? For instance they should have a memorial room filled with cocaine in honor of the 1986 Mets. Doc Gooden called them the "portable party" because of all the booze, loose women, greenies, and cocaine that team devoured on their way to their World Series victory over the Boston Red Sox. How about just a toilet with a simple line of coke on the top of the seat and a saying underneath that gets to the point: "Keith Hernandez once snorted off this actual toilet seat before delivering a game winning hit, propelling him to a night of hookers, blow, and celebrity cult status."

Second thing I need to get off my chest is about that shit stadium they made and how quirky it is. You would think if you spent $800 million plus on a stadium you could get the thing right. Why then do a lot of the seats have blind spots? If I am paying top dollar for a seat I expect to see the whole field of play. And what's up with all the rails that come into play in the outfield. Can you not just build a simple fence that makes it fairly easy for the umpire to be able to call a home run or a ground rule double?

And yes I am bitter about the Braves blowing that game last night to the Mets in case you were wondering. In old Shea Stadium the Braves would have never blown that game. The new one not so much.

Video HT: With Leather

BABA BOOEY THROWING OUT THE FIRST PITCH

For all the fellow Stern listeners out there this is for you guys. Gary has been talking about practicing for weeks to throw out the first pitch for the Mets game and when he finally gets his chance he blows it. I mean seriously dude, the guy throws like Rick Ankiel off the mound. Embarrassing doesn't even describe it. As a 4 year old with my non throwing hand I could throw a better pitch. I hope Howard and especially Artie give Baba Booey a heavy dosage of shit talking this week for this throw.

CURTIS GRANDERSON ROBS GRADY SIZEMORE

To save the game nonetheless in the ninth inning....


I hope Justin Verlander showered Granderson with shots and whores after the game.

Video HT: Deadspin

ZACK ATTACK KANSAS CITY BASEBALL SHIRT

The second shirt we wanted to introduce this week is the brand new "Zack Attackkkk" Kansas City Baseball shirt. The best pitcher in baseball has brought back a ton of excitement to Kauffman Stadium with his cool demeanor and multiple K's he has put on the board.

Grab the one and only Zackkkk Attackkkk shirt on our store page.

GOLDEN IS THY FAME SHIRT

We got some new shirts available starting this week. The first one I wanted to introduce is the "GOLDEN IS THY FAME" Shirt. This navy shirt has a vintage look and feel to it. Shipping will start at the end of the week.

IMPORTANT BONUS ON THE SHIRT: If anybody wants to do a bulk order of 5 or more on the "Golden Is Thy Fame" shirts I can arrange a discount on the shirts along with free shipping. Feel free to email me at matt@sportscrack.com for more details including huge discounts with orders of 20 or more shirts.

GOLDEN IS THY FAME SHIRT AVAILABLE HERE

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

FORGET GI JOE, TERMINATOR, AND TRANSFORMERS: MY LITTLE PONY IS COMING TO THEATERS

HELL YEAH!!! Don't act like you didn't play with My Little Ponys when you were a kid. Where is your loyalty?

Video HT: Kevin

THERE IS A GOD: NEW BELGIUM BREWERY BEERS COMING TO GEORGIA

I just got the good news yesterday from some friends that Fat Tire, 1554 and Mothership Wit will be available for consumption starting May 11th. (the clouds break open and the sun reappears, angels sing in the background) OH...MY...GOD! I've been a huge fan of Fat Tire and 1554 since my high school days when my buddy Andrew introduced me to the frothy craft beers. The only way you could get them back then was by either living in Colorado or illegally bringing them across state lines. Guilty as charged.

Here is some information via The Full Pint about the Georgia unveiling...

Fort Collins, CO - April 27, 2009 - New Belgium Brewing, the third-largest craft brewer in the U.S., today announced that 22-ounce bombers of Fat Tire, 1554 and Mothership Wit will be available throughout Georgia beginning May 11. The roll-out will begin with bomber bottles for approximately 60 days, to be followed by draft.

I'm okay with 22 oz bombers to start off. I drink the NewCastle ones all the time. Now if only we can get gambling, and I'm talking full out sports betting and craps tables and all that other shit legalized here in the great state of Georgia, I might actually start to like this place even better. Somewhere, underground, Governor Sonny Perdue is weeping into blood soaked slave clothes knowing his control over Georgia is slowly slipping away. Thank God!

OVECHKIN MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE ATHLETE

Alexander Ovechkin is the best player in hockey and dominates his sport in a way that only Lebron James and Tiger Woods can relate. He may not be the prettiest guy to look at but the Ruskie has charisma, grit, and the ability to score no matter where he is on the ice. It's hard for me to say these things too when I'm a total homer for fellow Russian and current Atlanta Thrasher Ilya Kovalchuk. What I like most about Ovechkin is he doesn't give a shit. He plays his game, he throws his body around and scores hat tricks in the playoffs that almost brings the Verizon Center roof crumbling down because the crowd has Ovie Mania!

And oh yeah, he joins in singing "You Suck!" with the crowd...


How can you not root for a guy like that?

Just take a look at Capitals Reporter Lisa Hillary's reaction when she thinks she sees Ovechkin...


Sorry Lisa, that ain't no rat. It's the guy who could bring a Cup to D.C.

BETWEEN TWO FERNS WITH NATALIE PORTMAN

"You shaved your head for V for Vendetta...did you also shave your v for va....?"

-priceless question by Galifianakis, one I don't think I would have the balls to ask the young "acteress" Portman. Bravo Zach, bravo.

DIRK BEING DIRK

If there is one thing German basketball superstars know what to do, and I've been saying this for years, it's how to knock up a crazy lady with a checkered past and then get her arrested. This story is just too bizarre, or complicated for a simpleton like myself, to explain so I will let CBS11 out of Dallas explain Dirk Nowitzki's love life...

Dallas police officers arrested 37-year-old Cristal Taylor Wednesday morning at Dallas Mavericks player Dirk Nowitzki's house on a fraud warrant. Thursday she remained in the Dallas County Jail on $20,000 bond.

CBS 11 News has learned that a team of three attorneys converged on Dirk's house, along with several members of law enforcement, Wednesday. Among them a retired FBI agent who is now a private investigator that was either hired by Dirk or his attorneys. At least one of the attorneys specializes in family law.

Sources also say when Taylor was being arrested she was concerned about parting with the $250,000 ring she was wearing.

A woman who claims to be Taylor's best friend...says Nowitzki and Cristal Taylor were engaged--and that she is pregnant.

Taylor's friend also says Nowitzki knew Taylor had a checkered past, but adds that neither she nor Nowitzki knew Taylor had outstanding warrants.

The friend says that when Taylor was taken to the Dallas County Jail Wednesday, the staff took a urine sample and told her she's pregnant. An individual who spent the night in jail with Taylor also tells CBS 11 News that Taylor is claiming to be pregnant.

Damn, Dirk just got slammed all in his face with some psycho bitch who not only managed to get engaged but knocked up with a little Dirk dribbling inside her. This "Cristal", if that is her real name, is obviously preying on The High Flying Deutschman to get money now and eventual alimony plus child support once they separate which is inevitable after she gives birth. Poor Dirk, I feel bad for him. Love shouldn't be so costly. But for entertainment purposes it's great.

Good luck concentrating on the playoff game tonight Dirk.

MANNY BUSTED FOR BEING MANNY

Of course my internet has been out all fucking morning so I'm only the 350,000th person to report that Manny Ramirez was busted for using "performance enhancing drugs." His 50 game suspension comes as a shock to some but not me. If anybody was going to get busted for doing something stupid like using PED's then I would have thought Manny would be one of the first guys. Hell, Jose "The Saint" Canseco told us a month ago that he thought there was a 90% chance Manny was using shit to help his performance. And if there is anybody we can trust with telling the truth in baseball it is Mr. Bash Brother Canseco.

But was he using shit to help hit a baseball or was he using prescriptions to help his slugging percentage beneath the sheets? Yahoo Sports has a report saying that a source close to Manny can confirm that he wasn't busted for steroids or HGH but rather a sexual enhancer...

The source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the substance is supposed to boost sex drive. It is not Viagra, but a substance that treats the cause rather providing a temporary boost in sexual performance, the source said.

The Major League baseball list of banned substances includes the gonadotropins LH and HCG, which are most commonly used by women as fertility drugs. They also can be used to trigger testosterone production. Testosterone is depleted by steroid use, which can cause sexual dysfunction.

So with this report from Yahoo we really have no idea what the hell is going on with Manny Ramirez. Apparently his limp dick or bitch tits or whatever you want to call it has earned himself a 50 game suspension. Manny isn't appealing the decision and has accepted his fallacy with this released statement from himself or somebody who actually knows how to write in English...

“Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons."

And if you are wondering about a shirt involving Manny Being Manny you have absolutely no worries. It will be done by Sportscrack...

Above design is a trademark of Sportscrack LLC so don't get any fucking ideas about stealing it and using it as your own. I know people.