DO YOU GET IT IN THE CAN?

I thought everybody took it in the can at least once? Don't act like you haven't. Sinners. All of you.

VIDEO HT: BarStoolSports

US OPEN HAS GREAT SECURITY

Dude, were they going to wait till the guy got on his knees and started sucking him off? Seriously, what the hell is security doing? Apparently this is acceptable behavior in New York City because nobody even freaked out when the intruder tried to kiss Rafael Nadal on the lips.

You know how I know tennis is gay? Because of shit like this. Actually I'm not going to lie, I've been watching a ton of the US Open this year because of Marietta's Melanie Oudin. What can I say other than 17 year old girls from the South just manage to grab my attention when they are sweating and swinging a racket while grunting. So innocent yet so animalistic. Yes, I can feel those flames right now. Or is that Craig Hansen? Either way I'm on my way to hell.

JEFFTCARVER WON WEEK 1 PICK EM CONTEST

Congratulations go out to jefftcarver who went 13-3 in his College Football Pick Em points and amassed the most points with 119, narrowly defeating notre damian and rmkdhk whom both scored 118. It looked like I did pretty shitty the first week finishing 35th. I shouldn't have ever picked Rutgers or put so many points on Oklahoma. Fucking Sam Bradford and his shoulder. Anywho, jefftcarver wins a free Sportscrack shirt or mini helmet of his choosing. Be sure to email me jeff whenever you get the chance.

Make sure you guys and gals go ahead and put in your picks for this week. Every week somebody will be a winner. If you haven't signed up it's not too late to join. Just go to www.funofficepools.com, click on the JOIN A POOL link at the top, click on the College Football Pick Em from the drop down menu, the pool name is Sportscrack.com (make sure you type it in exactly like this with the S capitalized), don't worry about the password, and make your selections.

And by the way the picture above is Kelly Brook from the GQ Awards which you can view over at WWTDD.com. Why is she up there you ask? Because it just doesn't matter, that's why!

THANK THE LORD THIS GUY DIDN'T GO TO USC

Arizona State freshman linebacker Vontaze Burfict laid down the wood on ISU's quarterback Russell Hill Saturday night and the first thing that came to my mind was "Holy hell, thank you for not letting this beast of a linebacker go to USC." Burfict was originally committed to USC but at a last second reversal of plan ($$$$) decided to travel east to Arizona State. It made perfect sense since USC "graduated" all 3 of their starting linebackers to the NFL to instead go to Arizona State. Made almost as much sense as Manti Te'o going to Notre Dame. I sure as shit am happy they chose their own path.

Video HT: EDSBS

HIGH SCHOOL KICKER NAILS 67 YARD FIELD GOAL

Legacy High School (Broomfield, CO) kicker Kip "Iron Foot" Smith got an opportunity last week to capitalize on a little known rule of a free kick after his team made a fair catch at their 43 yard line at the end of the first half. Obviously the kid nails the field goal which sets a new state record and later was seen nailing anything with a skirt. Dude, the kid hit a 67 fucking yarder! He better be getting mad tail after that accomplishment.

Video HT: FanIQ

LATEST BETWEEN TWO FERNS

Charlize Theron makes an appearance with Zach Galifianakis and all I can say is wow, how does this chick not get more attention in Hollywood?...

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

OBAMA IS THE DEVIL!

Not really but I had to laugh at this interview parody involving our President talking to kids in school...


Video HT: MacG

SPORTSCRACK TOP 10 CFB POLL

1. FLORIDA GATORS-The Gators beat the shit out of Charleston Southern but they did not cover the spread. Losers. All kidding aside they looked really good against an inferior opponent and managed to stay away from any serious injuries. They should cruise again this week against Troy.

2. TEXAS LONGHORNS-Colt McCoy and the offense looked at midseason form vs. Louisiana Monroe and The Real McCoy is the first Longhorn QB to pass for 10,000 yards in his career. They get another warmup game this week against Wyoming before they face the Red Raiders in a Saturday night revenge game in Austin.

3. ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE-The scoreboard said they only won by 10 points but make no mistake the Crimson Tide dominated Virginia Tech in the Georgia Dome Saturday night. Their offense moved the ball with ease against a decent Hokies defense. If the Tide continue to put up points they have a good enough defense to not only contend for a SEC Title but a National Championship. This week against Florida International should be no problem.

4. USC TROJANS-The freshman looked good. Real good actually. Matt Barkley completed 15 of 19 for 233 yards and the Trojans offense didn't skip a beat while piling up over 600 yards. The defense was against Trojan-like, holding San Jose State to only 121 yards in a 56-3 romping. I have no doubt in my mind the Trojans will destroy the Buckeyes this week in Columbus and cover the 4 point spread.

5. PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS-The Nittany Lions weren't overly impressive against Akron in week 1 but this team should get better as the season progresses. Daryl Clark looks like a legitimate Heisman contender and looking at their schedule I wouldn't be surprised to see them go undefeated during the regular season.

6. OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS-Okie State looked good and took advantage of some questionable calls by the refs to destroy Georgia 24-10 in one of their biggest games in their history. I still don't think their defense is championship calibre but if their offense continues to put up points don't be surprised if they make a legitimate run for the Big 12 South Title this year against Texas. Notice how I didn't mention the Sooners? They are done.

7. OLE MISS REBELS-Horrible first half, great second half. The Rebels have a ton of athletes who managed to take over in the second half against a poor Memphis team. A good warm up game for Jevan Snead (who came nowhere near his Heisman preseason talk in this battle) and Ole Miss to work on some things. They got SE Louisiana after the off week this week so they have plenty of time to not lose.

8. CALIFORNIA BEARS-They absolutely destroyed Maryland Saturday night. If there is one team that could possibly beat USC it is this Cal squad. Jahvid Best looked like the best runningback in the nation (apologies to Jonathan Dwyer) and should put up more All American numbers this week against Eastern Shithole...uh Michigan I meant to say.

9. BRIGHAM YOUNG COUGARS-Those mother fucking Mormons did it, they beat the Sooners. They knocked around Heisman winner Sam Bradford until finally delivering the knockout punch in the second quarter. BYU's defense looked incredible Saturday night and with Max Hall back at QB it wouldn't be much of a surprise if this team goes to a BCS bowl. And yes, they would deserve it especially if they go undefeated.

10. LSU TIGERS-LSU will get better as the season goes on but they do have a lot of things to work on. Their defense looked awful against Washington. They got torn up for nearly 500 total yards. Right now this team is top 10 on name alone. If they can't get their defense and offense rolling they could lose to Vandy at home this week. Don't laugh, I'm being serious.

Just missed the cut: Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Ohio State Buckeyes, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, Boise State Broncos, North Carolina Tarheels

What do you guys and gals think? Feel free to leave your comments below.

TERRELLE PRYOR LOVES MICHAEL VICK

From the World Of Isaac comes this memorable quote from Terrelle Pryor on why he wore Michael Vick's name on his eye black yesterday during the Buckeye's close win over the Naval Academy...

Not everybody’s the perfect person in the world. I mean everyone kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever.

Umm...ok...WOW is all I have to say. I didn't realize that "everyone kills people" when they aren't playing football. Holy shit, this guy has to be the dumbest collegiate athlete on campus right now. Frankly I would be embarrassed if I were a Buckeye fan and this guy represented our team.

PENN STATE LOOKED GOOD YESTERDAY

But seriously, what's up with the kid with the purple cape? Nerd!

SAM BRADFORD OUT OF THE HEISMAN RACE

With the injury to his AC joint being at best a 2-4 week injury, Sam Bradford has been pretty much eliminated from contending for the Heisman Trophy this season. I know it's only the first week but Oklahoma did not look good at all vs. BYU. I guess losing 4 of your starters on the offensive line does hurt. Bradford's shoulder would agree.

Two guys who deserve serious Heisman consideration are Cal's Jahvid Best and Notre Dame's Jimmy Clausen. Both players looked tremendous yesterday and they should be able to put up the numbers to contend for a trip to NYC this year.

What do you guys think?

Jahvid Best vs. Maryland...

ME LIKEY!

Mike Floyd looked like God out there today. What a beast of an athlete he has become. I'm going to enjoy this win immensely. Watch out for the Fighting Irish this year. Their defense and offense pound people. 35-0! To Hell with Michigan coming up.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

College Football is in full kickoff mode this Saturday so while you are out Tailgating like a Champion I want you to remember the little things that count: Beer, Babes, and Football. Be careful out there. You don't want to end up like this guy singing at your buddy's funeral...


This is pretty much what I'm going to sound like around 9 tomorrow night except more incoherent and a few scratches and bruises. Gotta love college football season. The crackhead singing Amazing Grace brings back memories of Eddie Murphy in the 80's BTW.

Video HT: Shaun

MICHIGAN FIGHT SONG BRINGS TEARS

These parents should be arrested for child abuse for putting this kid through the nightmare that is Rich Rodriguez and Michigan. You gotta admit, the child does a hell of a Dick Rod impression. Don't worry kid, I cry also when I hear the Michigan Fight Song. Brings back awful memories of all those whores in Ann Arbor.



Video HT: Extra Mustard

DUDE PERFECT - SUMMER CAMP EDITION

VIDEO HT: Extra Mustard

KATHY LEE GIFFORD CHANNELS HER INNER LAGERRETTE BLOUNT

I'm not going to lie, for an 80 year old, Kathy Lee ain't bad. Just saying she can get my manhood whenever she wants.

LEGARRETTE BLOUNT DELIVERS ULTIMATE SUCKER PUNCH

Holy shit! I hope the rest of the college football season is much better than that shit I watched last night. Both the South Carolina-NC State and Oregon-Boise State games were a collective monkey fucking a wet football classics. The only "entertainment" came at the conclusion of the Boise State 19-8 win over Oregon when the Duck's RB Legarrette Blount decided to go batshit crazy after sucker punching Boise State's Byron Hout. This was the perfect ending to a horrific game. Oregon looked gawd awful and all those fans of Jeremiah Masoli who kept emailing me about how this kid was going to be a Heisman contender should keep eating their Coco Puffs. Masoli was terrible. Actually everybody playing on the blue turf in Boise didn't deserve their scholly. But getting back to Blount, who had 17 TD's last season, is going to be suspended for at least 6 games. Hell, he might get kicked off the team. He brought back memories of Ron Artest going after fans and that surely is not going to keep you on the field of play.

When security and police have to "escort" you off the field you know that you are going to a world of hurt...


Oregon coach Chip Kelly should suspend if not completely kick off Blount. There is no excuse to act the way he did. Kelly should also let Blount kick him straight in his manbags for that horrible game plan. The new coach turned the Ducks into a passing team when we all know they should have been able to run the ball over an undersized Boise State defense. Blount is crazy no doubt but Kelly is a dumbass for not running the ball and making myself look like a complete asshole for picking the Ducks as PAC-10 sleepers. For this Kelly deserves a swift kick in the junk. This can't be argued. Blount go bye-bye for at least 6 games if not the whole season. Justice served.

9 TOUGH SHAMROCK SHIRT IN MOSCOW

Yesterday I demanded pictures of Sportscrack shirts with either famous people or in front of famous sites and my old college roommate Josh came through with both. Josh is seen sporting the 9 Tough Shamrock shirt in Moscow's Red Square with his lovely fiance Anya whom you may recognize as the #10 case model on the show Deal or No Deal. It's great to see our shirts making an impact in former Communist regimes. Hell, our shirt probably helped cause the collapse of those Commie bastards. Capitalism baby! Anywho, I just got tickets 16 rows behind the Atlanta Falcons bench to go see old #9 himself, Zibby, in action for the Baltimore Ravens at the Dome. Don't worry, I will be taping tonight's college action to make sure I covered my bets. I could really care less about the first game between NC State and South Carolina but I sure as shit don't want to miss the Boise State/Oregon clash on the blue turf tonight.

Get your 9 Tough Shamrock shirt by clicking on the picture below...

8 MORE HOURS

All week I haven't been able to get this song out of my head. I haven't gotten any sleep because I have been bouncing off the fucking walls like I did an 8 ball with DJ AM. But we know that can't be because the guy is fucking dead. It's all because college football is finally starting. The time bomb is ticking. Time. Bomb. Ticking. Nah nah. Now try to get it out of your head. Welcome to my world.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS UPON US!

Tonight our long, pitiful wait for college football is finally over as we have two interesting games on the schedule with NC State vs South Carolina and Oregon visiting the Smurfs of Boise State. I'm giddy in anticipation and actually kind of shocked with the Boise State-Oregon line. As I mentioned earlier this week Oregon is my PAC-10 sleeper and as of this moment they are 5 point dogs to the Smurfs. So if you want to know what my first bet is this college football season it has to be Oregon with the +5. Jeremiah Masoli and the Oregon Ducks will be facing their highest rated road opener since 1975 when they played at #1 Oklahoma. The over/under is 66 and although I think it will be a shootout I'm taking the under.

Oregon +5
Under 66

The NC State/South Carolina looks like a snooze fest. Both of those programs have always bored me. Erin Andrews will be seen for the first time since the peeping tom video. Presumably with clothes this time. The game is in Raleigh but when it comes to ACC vs. SEC I always take the safe bet and go with the power conference. The Cocks are +5 in this game, take them. QB Stephen Garcia will be impressive when he isn't doing keg stands and Eric Norwood will have a couple of sacks.

South Carolina +5


I'm so happy college football is starting tonight I just can't hold it in anymore. Why must I cry?....

Video HT: Will