BETWEEN TWO FERNS WITH ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

"Does anyone ever tell you, you seem like you are the black Byron Allen?"

TERRY BRADSHAW KNOWS HIS FOOTBALL

Extra Mustard points out this video from Sunday of FOX blowhard Terry Bradshaw making one of his useless predictions while everybody laughs for no apparent reason. Seriously, how do people watch these pregame shows? It's like trying to watch Dane Cook attempting to be funny. Fucking brutal. But not nearly as brutal as that shitfest called Monday Night Football last night. That was some of the worst NFL football I have ever seen. The Cleveland Browns should just move again. That franchise is so ass backwards it's not even funny anymore. Eric Mangini is a fucking moron. You want to know why their offense can't score it's not just on the QB (although I will admit Brady Quinn looked pretty bad last night) it's because you don't stick with one guy. You have Cribbs lining up at QB. You have all these bullshit motions trying to fool the defense. You really think you are going to fool a defense led by Ray Lewis? GTF out of here. The Ravens looked like complete shit too. I thought before the season started that they had a legit shot of going to the Super Bowl. They look horrible right now and beating Cleveland doesn't put roses on their pooh pooh performance.

From watching Notre Dame tank another season to seeing Michael Turner go down with a high ankle strain and Matty Ice throw yet another crucial INT to the Ravens looking like the Bengal's bitches it has been a tough football season for myself. If you would have told me Notre Dame, the Atlanta Falcons and the Baltimore Ravens would all have mediocre to bad seasons before the season started I would have called you Terry Bradshaw. Fuck it. At least the Atlanta Hawks and Thrashers are playing inspired ball/puck.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S MOST ELECTRIFYING PLAYER: GOLDEN TATE

My mancrush for Golden grows every time he touches the ball. Notre Dame hasn't had a player with his speed and balance since Rocket was torching defenses. Golden will be missed big time when he leaves early for the NFL Draft. Whoever gets him is getting the next Steve Smith/Hines Ward. He would look great in an Atlanta Falcons uniform.

HAVE YOU SEEN SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S NEW FLICK?

I'm sorry but she is just not aging well at all. Look at those fucking hands. Creepy ya know.

YOU CAN CROSS JON GRUDEN OFF THE ND LIST

FROM THE BIG LEAD
comes this statement from ESPN PR:

“Jon Gruden has agreed to an exclusive multi-year agreement with the company. In addition to his MNF role alongside play-by-play commentator Mike Tirico and analyst Ron Jaworski, Gruden will appear on ESPN’s NFL Draft and Super Bowl week coverage, among other platforms, and he will call the 2010 NFL Pro Bowl in South Florida on January 31, 2010. Gruden will serve as an analyst for ESPN Radio’s 2010 Rose Bowl and BCS title game broadcasts.”

Honestly I'm kind of happy this happened now. I'm not convinced Gruden would be a great college coach. What this should tell Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick is he needs to make a move immediately. Everyone knows that Charlie Weis days at Notre Dame are over. Why leave it up in the air? If I were him I would fire him immediately and start looking for a new coach. Make Corwin Brown the interim head coach and burn up the phone lines while Notre Dame finishes the season beating UCONN then getting trounced by Stanford. Your first three calls go to Urban Meyer's agent. You see if there is any interest and you offer him the world. Highest paid salary. Bonuses galore for him and his assistants. Essentially you open a door and offer him this...

JUCO transfers are now allowed. An endless support for what Urban thinks is right including letting in some kids that wouldn't normally be allowed in. The support structure is so great at Notre Dame when it comes to academics with their student-athletes that it shouldn't be too big of a risk allowing players in who don't have the greatest GPA in the world.

If Urban refuses the job then you call Brian Kelly's agent. Offer him the same incentive package. Kelly is basically Urban Meyer 2.0. I have a hard time believing Kelly would refuse the job. But the point is you need to move fast Swarbrick. No waiting like ND did with Ty Willingham and letting him finish the season before looking for a new coach. You snooze you lose.

JAMAR WALL KNOCKS OUT ZAC ROBINSON

This is why your parents didn't want you to play football when you were little. Oklahoma State's QB Zac Robinson is absolutely leveled to China on this hit by Texas Tech's Jamar Wall. The result: a fumble and two concussions. Vegetative state in their late 50's outlook just went up tremendously.

DAN MARINO SAYS NAUGHTY WORD

NOT QUALIFIED TO COMMENT has this excellent half time analysis video by Hall of Famer Dan Marino on CBS yesterday. He drops the S word by accident. It must have been those shitty Isotoner gloves he was trying to get off.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND FOLKS!

Can you play golf in a bikini?
by diggy20

Clearly I was thinking of my loyal readers when I posted this Asian bikini girl absolutely stroking the ball so I wanted to send you in this weekend with a bang. Literal. This week has been a personal roller coaster for my family since our cat went missing. Spare me the gay jokes with the cat, I'm a dog person but it doesn't mean I can't miss Wiley. Plus now I think a law firm out of Oak Brook, Illinois is trying to extort money from me. I will let you know how that goes since they obviously fucked with the wrong person. Email me if you have any questions or if you are a lawyer, would love to get some insight.

Peace!

Go Irish! Go Jackets! Go Dawgs! And most importantly: Go Beer!


Video courtesy of WithLeather

DWAYNE WADE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW HIS NUTS TASTE

Because after this facial Cleveland's Anderson Varejao knows full well how salty they are...

STOP "BUST"ING MY BALLS

Her name is Ewa Sonnet and apparently she is some kind of model. Model is code word for hooker by the way. I'm positive each one of her boobs has it's own area code.

WET BEAVER

Video HT: HotClicks

COST OF PEST REMOVAL IS EXPENSIVE THESE DAYS

The one and only Spencer Hall from Everydayshouldbesaturday.com came up with this chart. Bravo.

OH SHIT NOW THEY ARE MAKING EXCUSES FOR LOSING TO NAVY

Via UHND with video courtesy of IrishIllustrated

Notre Dame assistant head coach Corwin Brown meant to cause little harm with his comments in regards to Navy's head coach Ken Niumatalolo comments to the media following their win over Notre Dame but I'm afraid this is just the beginning of the end for this coaching staff. It kind of tells you how low the Notre Dame football program has gotten when they start making excuses for losing to Navy. The fact is that Navy did outscheme and out coach the Notre Dame defense. This isn't even up for discussion. The had over 400 yards of offense while rushing for over 350 yards. Their whole team is made up of players who would never have the chance to put on the pads at Notre Dame. So please Corwin, I know you are pissed because of the cut blocking and all the shit that comes with it (injuries, hurt feelings, etc.) but why didn't you have your players fight back during the game? I think one of the main reasons why Notre Dame keeps losing under Charlie Weis is they play the respect factor too much with their opponents. They talk about respecting the kids who fight for our country and blah blah blah. How about fighting for a fucking win like Navy did on Saturday?

Expect the media to have a field day with this video too. Just another feather in the cap for excuses made as to why Notre Dame can't succeed even with a roster full of talent.

REAL WOMEN OF GENIUS

In today's REAL WOMEN OF GENIUS we have Miss America's Carrie Prejean acting "inappropriately" to a pretty fair question from Larry King courtesy of Hot Clicks...

Sarah Palin is her hero? Not surprising coming from a beauty queen I suppose.

The second edition of REAL WOMEN OF GENIUS comes this fantastic reenactment of "Risky Business"...


Bravo Ladies, Bravo.

OFFICIAL CONFESSION OF LAZINESS

Courtesy of the HolyTaco comes this list of laziness which about half I checked off on...

TONY GONZALEZ AND WIFE GO NUDE FOR PETA

Come on Tony, for PETA? It must have been the old lady's idea. No self respecting tight end would pose nude for those liberal assclowns. I don't even get the ad because the last time I saw somebody wear a fur coat was back in the 80's.

SPORTSCRACK TOP 10

Above image courtesy of HOTSECPOON.COM

1. FLORIDA GATORS-Urban Meyer's troops are getting stronger along with their defense. In handling Vandy 27-3 last week they move just a step closer to their 3rd National Title in 4 seasons.

2. TEXAS LONGHORNS-I'm convinced now that Texas is going undefeated till their bowl game which will be the BCS Championship. Colt McCoy passed for a career record of 470 yards while his roommate Jordan Shipley set a Texas record with 273 yards receiving.

3. ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE-BAMA won the SEC West and a future date with Florida in the SEC Championship game by beating LSU 24-15. If the Tide can win out against Miss State, Chattanooga, and Auburn then whoever wins the SEC Title game will play for the BCS Title. By the way, I have looked into getting tickets for the SEC Championship since it's here in Atlanta and I have yet to go to one. Tickets start at $700 a piece in a shitty economy. Looks like HDTV will be my friend that day.

4. TCU HORNED FROGS-TCU gets College Gameday this week with Utah visiting. The campus should be electric and if the Horned Frogs can win out at the minimum they should get a BCS Bowl game. If 2 of the top 3 slip up then I think TCU should be playing for a BCS Championship if they win out because I think their defense is one of the best in the nation.

5. CINCINNATI BEARCATS-Brian Kelly still has them undefeated at 9-0. He is setting himself up perfectly for another BCS Bowl game. In order to do so they must beat West Virginia this week. They should.

6. BOISE STATE BRONCOS-Still undefeated so I have to put them up here. They won't play anybody the rest of the season which will hurt their BCS rankings but they can still make a BCS Bowl game considering at least 1 if not 2 or 3 teams ranked ahead of them will lose before the season is over.

7. GEORGIA TECH YELLOW JACKETS-The Jackets survived on Saturday against Wake Forest thanks to the cajones of Paul Johnson. In overtime, instead of kicking the field goal on 4th and short to send it to another overtime Johnson decided to go for it. The Jackets won. They travel to Duke this week in what should be a blowout.

8. IOWA HAWKEYES-Their luck finally ran out but they still have a chance to win the Big Ten by winning their next two games. They travel to the Horseshoe this Saturday. If they had a half way decent QB they would still be undefeated.

9. PITTSBURGH PANTHERS-I have a gut feeling they will blow out Notre Dame this weekend and get a lot more publicity for being a top 10 team. Wanny has Pitt playing excellent ball and should have little trouble with Charlie Weis this Saturday.

10. LSU TIGERS-Their only two losses have come at the hands of Florida and Alabama. Both of those games could have been won too. It's too bad they won't be playing in a BCS game this year.

ON THE OUTSIDE: Oregon, Utah, USC, Ohio State, Miami

CLEMSON ROWING TEAM WANTS YOU TO READ THEIR LIPS

Deadspin was the first to introduce the world to the Clemson Tigers rowing team which sometimes goes by the nickname of the Cameltoes. I feel kind of bad for these 9 women. Too much labia in college sports can be detrimental to future endeavors such as employment so I won't publish their names. Trust me, my labia has gotten me ridiculed for years.

THE SOLUTION FOR SWEATY BALLS: FRESH BALLS

How did it take this long to get antiperspirant for your manbags? We got people to the fucking moon 40 years ago but we are just now coming up with a product to get rid of sweaty balls. Our priorities are so whacked these days. Living in Hotlanta means I could use FreshBalls a solid 9 months of the year. My suffering is now over and so can yours. Sweaty Balls are a thing of the past. God bless.

Video HT: HolyTaco

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT FINALLY GOES FOR THE POLE

JLH has been playing the sweet, innocent girl for too long. It's time for her to grow up. It looks like she has finally grasped what it takes to make it "big" time in Hollywood: pole dancing. She needs to bring out her inner-Halle Berry and realize she isn't going to be nailing big movie roles without nailing some top notch producers and/or showing a little more skin. Berry took it all off for "Monster Ball" and won an Academy Award. Hewitt is now pole dancing on her show the "Ghost Whisperer" which is just a step to full frontal and an eventual sex tape. Do it for all the kids out there aka middle aged men.

Video HT: TheDailyFix