PRINCE IS TRYING TO GET ME TO ROOT AGAINST THE VIKINGS

Listen Prince, I want to root for the Minnesota Vikings tomorrow because of my genuine distaste for the New Orleans Saints. As a Falcon's fan we were raised to not even mention the name Saints. We called them the Aint's. Those cajun speaking toolbags have been our arch nemesis for 30 plus years and there is no way I will ever root for them to win even if they had to suffer through Hurricane Katrina and Drew Brees mullet combover much less his Frank Beamer growth on the side of his face. Plus they got that cheating a-hole in Reggie Bush. No way will I ever root for the Aint's. With that being said why the fuck did you put out this garbage song Prince? You are better than this. I will choose to remember Purple Rain and those two twins in your videos that you probably banged harder than a Mexican at a construction site. It's already hard to root for the Vikings with Brett Favre leading them so you don't need to fuck it up for me anymore Prince. You just embarrassed Jared Allen for Christ's sake. You know how impossible that is? The guy rocks the mullet and jorts with pride but shakes his head in disgust with this garbage "Purple and Gold" song. Leave the gay fight songs to the Tennessee Volunteers. After all it's all they got now with Lame Kiffin bullshitting in South Central.

Thank you and God Bless!

Prediction: Vikings 35 Saints 24

FANTASTIC START TO THE WEEKEND

I've been having writer's block all fucking day, actually all week, and have been trying to think of something to write about worth a shit. So I start writing about college football recruiting because I figured it would be somewhat interesting with it less than two weeks away and everybody on the messageboards freaking out about where teenagers are going to be spending their next 3-5 years in college. Unfortunately the article went to shit because I hear two massive cleaning trucks causing a Haiti in my neighborhood. I look outside and figured the county finally stepped up to the plate and decided to clean our roads of all the leaves and debris left over from fall. Shit if I was wrong. Instead there is dog shit, literally, flung all over the streets and driveways. Awesome! Nothing like going outside to step into some recycled shit. It's like a retarded monkey by the name of Dick Ebersol ran around the neighborhood and decided to fling his pooh around and see what sticks. So I guess I should start a telethon or something for my neighborhood. Haiti doesn't have anything on us. Doesn't anybody know how I can contact Bono? I'm sure he could come up with a catchy tune about "The shit stained streets of Courtland Oaks Drive!" At least I'm not trying to sell the SportsCrack mansion any more. Property values just went to shit again.

(I thought you would enjoy the picture of soft serve more than actual pooh)

QUICK THOUGHTS ON MEL KIPER'S MOCK FIRST ROUND

I know it's still 3-4 months away from the NFL Draft but I figured what the hell? We don't have anything better to do than to take a look at the king of NFL mock drafts right now in Mel Kiper with baseball still a couple of months away and the NFL conference championship games this weekend.

Team Player Pos. College

1. St. Louis Ndamukong Suh DT Nebraska

2. Detroit Gerald McCoy DT Oklahoma

3. Tampa Bay Eric Berry S Tennessee

4. Washington Sam Bradford QB Oklahoma

5. Kansas City Russell Okung OT Oklahoma State

6. Seattle Derrick Morgan DE Georgia Tech

7. Cleveland Joe Haden CB Florida

8. Oakland Anthony Davis OT Rutgers

9. Buffalo Jimmy Clausen QB Notre Dame

10. Denver Dez Bryant WR Oklahoma State

11. Jacksonville Jason Pierre-Paul DE South Florida

12. Miami Rolando McClain LB Alabama

13. San Francisco Trent Williams OT Oklahoma

14. Seattle C.J. Spiller RB Clemson

15. N.Y. Giants Carlos Dunlap DE Florida

16. San Francisco Earl Thomas S Texas

17. Tennessee Everson Griffen DE USC

18. Pittsburgh Brian Bulaga OT Iowa

19. Atlanta Sergio Kindle LB Texas

20. Houston Brian Price DT UCLA

21. Cincinnati Aaron Hernandez TE Florida

22. New England Ricky Sapp LB Clemson

23. Green Bay Taylor Mays S USC

24. Philadelphia Navorro Bowman LB Penn State

25. Baltimore Jermaine Gresham TE Oklahoma

26. Arizona Dan Williams DT Tennessee

27. Dallas Bruce Campbell OT Maryland

28. San Diego Jonathan Dwyer RB Georgia Tech

29. N.Y. Jets Golden Tate WR Notre Dame

30. Minnesota Patrick Robinson CB Florida State

31. New Orleans Jared Odrick DT Penn State

32. Indianapolis Brandon Graham DE Michigan

I completely agree with his first 3 picks of Suh, McCoy, and Berry. You honestly can't go wrong with any of those guys and I believe those are your safest first round draft picks although I do have some doubts about Gerald McCoy in comparison to Suh and Berry. His pick of Sam Bradford at #4 with the Redskins is a bit puzzling. If the Redskins go QB I think they pick the best player in Jimmy Clausen. Bradford is coming off a bad shoulder injury and while he put up some amazing numbers at Oklahoma he had a hard time recognizing defenses especially when they had delay blitzes. Clausen on the other hand played his whole junior season with broken ligaments in his big toe on his planting foot and is the most accurate QB in the draft. He endured 3 years of playing in a pro-style offense under Charlie Weis and matured into a leader this past season. I have my doubts about Clausen being a great NFL QB because of his mobility and pocket presence but in terms of arm strength, accuracy, and the ability to lead teams to come from behind victories I would have to take him over Bradford. Clausen is the safer bet in my opinion.

The Seahawks taking Derrick Morgan of Georgia Tech doesn't make a lot of sense to me. The Seahawks need a QB (Hasselbeck is done) and I believe they will take one of either Bradford or Clausen if available. I've watched a lot of Georgia Tech football and while I think Morgan will be a good pro he does take plays off and there is no way I would take him that high in the draft. Mid to late first round would make more sense. Joe Haden to Cleveland is a good pick and he is without a doubt the best cover corner in this draft. I would love to see Haden in a Falcon's uniform this year but there is no way he slips down to #19. Speaking of the Falcons I like the pick of Sergio Kindle. Falcons have a need at outside linebacker and Kindle could be a beast in the NFL when he isn't smashing cars into apartments.

Kiper has the Bengals taking the first tight end in the draft at #21 in Aaron Hernandez. This would be great news for the Baltimore Ravens because then they could draft the better tight end in my opinion with Jermaine Gresham of Oklahoma at #25. Hernandez and Gresham will both be solid tight ends in the NFL but I like Gresham's height advantage (at 6'6 he has a 4 inch advantage on Hernandez) especially in the red zone.

My man Golden Tate would be a steal for the New York Jets at #29. Golden is a Steve Smith/Hines Ward clone and would be a perfect fit with the Jets. He could step in and run some wildcat while being a great slot receiver for Sanchise to throw to. He also is a hell of a punt returner and he is one of the hardest guys to tackle one on one in this draft.

No Tim Tebow or Colt McCoy in the first round which makes sense. Both guys played in a spread offense in college with tons of talent around them and they will both need time to develop their games for the NFL. I do think one or maybe both of them can play in the NFL and prove their skeptics wrong. Tebow has to work on his mechanics (too big of a windup) and if QB doesn't work out the guy would make a hell of a Wildcat/H-Back/Tight end in my opinion. Colt doesn't have the greatest of arm strength but he is extremely accurate with his throws. Give him some time and he can eat you up much like Sam Bradford.

The Colts are getting a steal if Brandon Graham of Michigan lasts till the end of the first round. Personally I think he is better than Morgan, or at least he was in college when I watched him play, and would be an excellent compliment now as well as an eventual replacement for Dwight Freeney down the road.

Looking at the USC guys I can't argue with Everson Griffen at #17 with the Titans. The guy is a freak and if he can stay healthy he could bring back memories of Jevon Kearse in Nashville. Taylor Mays at #23 with the Packers could be a bust. For all the hype he received in college the guy didn't produce a lot. Sure he can lay out people with hits and all that but his coverage skills blow and his tackling is average.

So what are your thoughts? Any sleepers we should consider as steals or guys you think will be absolute busts? I want to hear it so go ahead and leave some comments. In English is preferable.

BRADY QUINN AND JIMMY CLAUSEN AUTOGRAPH NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL

This is a one of a kind piece for the die hard Notre Dame football fan. You can not find this anywhere else besides SportsCrack.com. In fact it's the only one. I got it priced at $225 so it's first come, first serve on this incredible football. The white panel is full sized and stitched. The flawless autographs of Brady Quinn and Jimmy Clausen both pop on this pristine football.

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LANE KIFFIN IS NOT A GOOD DRIVER

I can't help but stare in amazement to this .gif that LSUfreek created. Outstanding job. This has Michael Bay written all over it.

THE BUFFALO BILLS ARE JOKING RIGHT?

Seriously Bills? Just move to fucking Toronto already and stop bothering us with this Chan Gailey BS...

ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. -- Chan Gailey was hired by the Buffalo Bills on Tuesday, getting a second chance to prove himself as an NFL coach and inheriting a team that has missed the playoffs for 10 straight years.

Gailey was introduced by general manager Buddy Nix at a new conference which ended a two-month search to replace Dick Jauron, who was fired in November. Gailey takes over a team that finished 6-10 and becomes the Bills' fifth coach since Marv Levy retired after the 1997 season.

Yeah I know that nobody with a pulse wants the job but getting Chan Gailey is on par with settling for Monique on prom night. Nobody fucking wins and all you do is embarrass yourself. Except I'm pretty sure Gailey shaves his legs.

COACH PETE CARROLL NOT BEING FUNNY SKIT

I didn't laugh one time. And who is the douchebag fan and why does he keep getting roles in Hollywood? His humor escapes me. He just yells. Pow! Pow! Cataline Wine Mixer! Pow! In the face! Pow! He is a new version of Dane Cook without the potholes.

MIKE GREENBERG AND ESPN ARE RACISTS

Not really but I'm sure they won't be able to live this down after Mike and Mike's host Mike Greenberg let a little slip of the tongue on live air yesterday...

Now I demand all the people who are too lazy to get real jobs to go picket in front of ESPN Headquarters in Bristol, CT immediately. Now, now, now!!!! ESPN has a dream of taking away your freedom to not work and get paid for it and everyone deserves an apology from them. Oh wait, Greenberg issued an apology. Here it is:

I just came home from the Knicks game and found out about the mess that was created by my garbling a sentence on our show this morning; I apologize for not addressing it sooner.

And I'm sorry that my talking too fast - and slurring my words - might have given people who don't know our show the wrong impression about us, and about me.

I feel horrible about that, because nothing could be further away from who I am and what our show is about.

I would never say anything like that, not in public, or in private, or in the silence of my own mind, and neither would anyone associated with our show, and I'm very sorry that my stumble this morning gave so many people the opposite impression.

Damn, I was hoping to see pitch forks and torches tearing up the World Wide Leader. It was my dream.

RUNAWAY LANE MUSIC VIDEO

Video HT: Blick

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MONIQUE WINS GOLDEN GLOBE, SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF PENISES EVERYWHERE

I was bored last night and was up late watching Taboo on the NatGeo Channel and they were talking about drugs and prostitution being two of the most socially untolerated topics in our world. I'm sorry but they ain't got nothing on Monique's legs. Those things howl at the night waiting to eat their young. The guy with her has to be fucked up in the head. It's one thing to be a chubby chaser but the Wolverine legs are just completely frowned upon...


I'm going to go brush my teeth now and bathe in some vinegar while I cry myself to passing out for posting these pictures.


WWTDD

URBAN MEYER PULLS THE RELIGION CARD ON RECRUIT

Since it is Martin Luther King Day I figured it was sort of appropriate to show you how a certain coach who wears Gator's colors can present "I have a dream" pitch to stud defensive tackles. From GamecockCentral.com Blog comes this interesting story of Florida head coach Urban Meyer pulling the old religion/God card on Philly DT Shariff Floyd right before Floyd was set to pick Ohio State and instead went with the Gators:

“Sharrif was really confused and put a call into Coach Meyer. When they spoke Coach Meyer told him that he had a ‘dream’ the night before, and that Coach Meyer saw himself on the sideline coaching Sharrif. Told him that is was a "message from God that I should come back and coach, as I guess if it’s my time to die, I'd rather die on the sidelines coaching you than anywhere else in the world.

"Sharrif talked to us the next day and said Ohio State is great and all, but Coach Meyer said he would DIE for me. That's pretty intense. From that day on Sharrif mainly kept to himself. But that was the turning point in my eyes."

Now that is how you recruit 5 star players to your school folks. A couple of years ago I probably would have been pissed off after reading this but you know what, I think Urban actually believes the shit he spews. I can't be mad at him for it because I would hope my favorite coach (Brian Kelly) would pull out the "hey, we have Jesus Christ praying on our library you will come to Notre Dame Shariff!" tactic because if it fucking works then well...it fucking works. High school kids are stupid anyways. I used to drop acid back in the day and think I could sing Pink Floyd songs better than Roger Waters or David Gilmour. The prison guards clearly thought otherwise.

So yeah, Urban Meyer talks to God seems perfectly reasonable to a high school kid. Why do you think so many of those idiots join FCA? Probably the free donuts. Ahhh...donuts!

JIMMY KIMMEL KILLS ON JAY LENO

I will be the first to admit I don't even watch these late night tv shows regularly. With that being said I do know who is funny and who is not. Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O'brien are smart, witty, and funny. Jay Leno is the exact opposite. Jimmy Fallon is a hyperactive kid that everybody feels sorry for and I guess for some reason they decided to employ him. Fallon seems like a nice kid. Leno seems like a dick.

The point being is dick's usually win out in the end over the nice guy. Conan is leaving and Leno is replacing him. Leno pulled a Kiffin. Great to see Kimmel put Leno in his place. The shitter. Period.

CHEAT ON! IN LANE WE TRUST SHIRT

We got another new design inspired by an old face back in a familiar place. Continuing the Tradition of winning at all costs comes our brand new "CHEAT ON! IN LANE WE TRU$T" shirt. This vintage feel and look soft cotton tee shirt is sure to be the hit at any tailgate party or hanging out with your friends. It's definitely a conversation starter as anyone can attest to who has worn our shirts in the past.

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MUSCHAMP AND CALHOUN REJECT VOLS, CUTCLIFFE NEXT?

Texas defensive coordinator Will Muschamp and Air Force head coach Troy Calhoun both turned down lucrative offers from Tennessee AD Michael Hamilton to become the Vol's new head coach according to multiple reports. Muschamp apparently is content with being the coach-in-waiting at Texas and Calhoun loves the weather in Colorado. Moving along in their search the next guy who appears to be on the radar is current Duke head coach David Cutcliffe.

Cutcliffe was the offensive coordinator for Tennessee twice under the Phil Fulmer regime and had success at Ole Miss as a head coach leading them to a Cotton Bowl victory with Eli Manning under center. Cutcliffe's claim to fame is coaching both Eli and Peyton while in college. To say Tennessee would be ecstatic with this hire would be on par with me sitting through a marathon of American Idol episodes without throwing my beer at the television and cursing at God for ever creating a show so awful. Vol's Nation want a sexy hire and Cutcliffe just isn't it.

The best candidate I can think of off the top of my head is Temple's Al Golden. Golden can recruit and with the best of them which he showed at Virginia when he was a defensive coordinator and led Temple to a 9 win season this year and their first bowl game in 30 years. The guy can flat out coach but he is supposedly the hot name to replace JoePa at his alma mater Penn State when he either stops coaching or croaks.

So Tennessee fans should prepare themselves for Cutcliffe. Trust me it could be worse. Just prepare yourselves for 8 to 9 win seasons max in the near future.

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LANE KIFFIN DOES A HELL OF A BILL CLINTON IMPRESSION

"I did not have contact with those recruits!"

Whatever makes you sleep better at night buddy. Have you ever seen an introductory press conference more heated and questioned? This is going to be a marriage of hell for USC and Lane Kiffin. Fantastic.

WHILE YOU ARE BITCHING AND MOANING ABOUT WORK

This black lab is having the time of his life chasing melons down in Brazil with model Nicole Bahls(WWTDD.com). Lucky fucking dog. Not only can it lick it's own balls and shit where ever he damn well pleases but he gets the opportunity to play "catch" with Nicole. I just showed my dog Soco these pictures. He farted a balloon full of jealousy and disgust.

BEST FAILS OF 2009

Best Fails of 2009 - watch more funny videos

I completely lost my shit when the guy fell in the grave. Do you help or just laugh or cry in horror? I laughed.

MATT KEMP'S MATCH.COM COMMERCIAL

Could you imagine living the life that Matt Kemp has presented in front of him? I'm not gay as far as I know but the guy is a good looking dude who is young, rich, plays centerfield for the Los Angeles Dodgers and is literally smack dab in the middle of a valley full of excellent Hollywood tail. Of course he is banging Rihanna. Why wouldn't he? If I were him I would be out nailing every single female till my dick fell off. Fortunately for myself I'm not nearly as pretty or rich as Matt Kemp. Fuck.

Go ahead and grab all the Pop star ass you want Matt...