PEGGY'S FEMALE PLUG-IN FRESHNESS

Angus beef and beer smell...ahhhh....it's amazing how far feminine products have come these days...

OHIO STATE SAYS FU NOTRE DAME

Ohio State would like to be known as the queen of horrific music videos with this "Glee" inspired flash mob dance....


Wow! The gayness factor was through the roof on this one but what did you expect, it's Columbus. I still think the Notre Dame one is more embarrassing. The Midwest schools should just do what they do best: lose big time in BCS Bowl games.

LAWRENCE TAYLOR'S MUGSHOT SAYS IT ALL

Last night I watched this program on Lawrence Taylor and Tara Conner (former Miss USA who tested positive for drugs) talking about their battles with substance abuse and I was thinking to myself "good they finally kicked their demons." Talk about an all-time jinx. Last night LT was busted in New York City for rape of a 15-year-old girl...

Police in New York arrested former Giants LB Lawrence Taylor and accused him of raping a 15-year-old girl on Thursday.

Taylor was held after being arrested by Ramapo, N.Y., police and charged with third-degree rape.

The allegations stemmed from an incident at the Holiday Inn in Suffern, N.Y., Ramapo Detective Lt. Brad Weidel told the Journal News.

Ramapo police supervisor Christopher St. Lawrence told the Journal News that the victim was a runaway from the Bronx and that she had been assaulted.

"She was a runaway since March and there was a pimp involved," St. Lawrence told the paper. "She got punched in the face. We're not sure who did it."

Third degree rape is statutory in case you were wondering. I think the mug shot pretty much paints the picture for LT. The guy has to be back on crack right? And we're not talking about the good ole SportsCrack. Those eyes have "crack pipe" and "pimp" written all over it. It's sad to think LT has thrown away most of his adult life due to drugs. He can't even remember his kids growing up for the most part because he was so consumed with addiction. Last night on the program which I believe was on A&E he talked about being clean for over a decade and how he would never go back to drugs because it would kill him. There really is nothing funny to say. The guy is just fucked up and needs to get some help by spending some time in jail.

THANKS BOBBY COCKS

You can always rely on the government to fuck up something so simple even if it's a spelling of a name. Bobby Cox was honored yesterday on Capitol Hill with a cake that read "Thanks for 50 Great Years Bobby Cocks!" DC should be honoring Cox after all the Nationals seem to get half their win total versus the Bravos. Maybe one of these days Bobby will wake up and realize your leadoff batters shouldn't have the worst on base percentage on the team and your best hitter shouldn't be batting 6th in the lineup. Nah! Eat your cake buddy.

Image HT: D.C. Sports Bog

RIP ERNIE HARWELL

Baseball lost a legend yesterday as long time Detroit Tigers announcer and Hall of Famer Ernie Harwell passed at the age of 92. Harwell is an icon in Detroit and will be missed dearly. Ernie goes out as a class act and will surely be impossible to replace. RIP Ernie Harwell.

CONAN O'BRIEN'S 60 MINUTES INTERVIEW

Conan O'Brien's 60 Minutes Inner Monologue - watch more funny videos

What better way to celebrate Cinco De Mayo than to have a fellow Mexican talk about getting screwed over by the man? It's a shame when Mexicans like Conan can no longer get solid jobs in the States because of their cheese belly's. I mean is it not obvious that Conan is clearly more funny and relevant than Leno? I'm going to pour one of Mexico's finest beers of Guinness out today for Conan, a native Mexican with his dark complexion. Senor Dingdong would be proud.

PHILLIES FAN GETTING TASERED

Fucking awesome. Brings tears to these eyes to see some douchebag Phillies fan getting tasered in front of 40,000 plus screaming maniacs in Philadelphia. They should make this a new sport. It would be like the 8 seconds on a bull. The person who lasts the longest on the field at Citizen's Bank Park before getting tasered wins season tickets or Chase Utley's jock strap.

In case you were wondering the kid being tasered is a teenager and is going to a school we can all relate to...

Wayne Consalvi told the newspaper that his son was not drinking and he wasn't on drugs. Steve Consalvi is "a real good student, heading to Penn State," his father told the Philadelphia Daily News.

Now it makes perfect sense. The kid should be wearing a State Penn shirt. Kids will never learn.

ARKANSAS PEOPLE SOUND INTELLIGENT

I have nothing against Arkansas people. Why would I? But why is this "guy" and I use the term loosely just hanging out in his truck like it's nothing after being thrown around by a tornado in it? The only reason I can think of is he probably has no pants on. That is the great thing about Arkansas. Pants are optional.

Video HT: BarStoolSports

THE WHITE WOMEN'S WORKOUT

Works every time...

White Women's Workout - watch more funny videos

GOOD MUSIC VIDEO TO GO OUT

I couldn't let you go into the weekend thinking of that garbage Notre Dame music video so I present "Chica Bomb." It's the perfect elixir for the soul as we head into a great weekend. And by soul I mean boner.

Peace!

YOUR KENTUCKY DERBY PREVIEW

I could ramble on for days about horses running around a track at ridiculous speeds but that would be boring. Instead I offer you some inside footage of The Kentucky Derby you won't be seeing tomorrow on television.

First we have a Southern Belle who loves her Mint Juleps (the official drink of the Derby)...


The infield is where the finest mud wrestling in Kentucky becomes legendary...


You have to bring the essentials to the Derby: Weed and toilet paper...


Then of course you got the infield Drunk slap off at 3 pm...


And then the race itself which is a time honored tradition. I'm talking about the Porta Potty Race of course...

BEST NEWS FAILS COMPILATION

THE NEW MATT KEMP "THE BISON" T-SHIRT

I've gotten a ton of requests for us at SportsCrack to make a Dodger's themed shirt. I figured a Rihanna's boy toy shirt wouldn't sell as well as this new one called "The Bison." Matt Kemp earned the nickname when the Dodgers were playing the Atlanta Braves and soul glo announcer Don Sutton mentioned Kemp looked "like a big buffalo running around the bases" as he stole his first major league base. Jon Weisman's popular Dodgers blog, Dodger Thoughts, ran with "The Bison" and it has stuck with him ever since.

Get your "The Bison" t-shirt and show your love for Rihanna's favorite boy toy in Matt Kemp...

WHAT. THE. FUCK. NOTRE DAME?

I was about to blog about Brian Kelly and his staff absolutely crushing it on the recruiting trail lately but then this monstrosity of a Notre Dame production "hip hop" video showed up in my inbox and all I can say is they better have those kids signed to binding letters. This has got to be the worst school music video I have ever heard. Babies can create better looking shits than this pooh.

Seriously after watching this video I think I hate Notre Dame. Or at least who ever decided this would be a good idea.

The Pope called Notre Dame today to thank them for creating something more embarrassing than a Catholic priest.

Feel free to leave your jokes in the comment section. Notre Dame deserves them after creating this piece of shit.

TP IS FOR BUNGHOLES

The Braves again "managed" to lose their 9th straight game today in embarrassing fashion in St. Louis. They scored 4 runs which I believe is a season high since the Opening Day massacre of the Cubs...sarcasm folks. The Braves should be scoring a lot more runs. Everyone knows this. Their lineup is not this bad. It's their hitting coach who "manages" to fuck up their offense by offering absolutely nothing to the team.

Let's take a look at what some of the recent Braves departures are doing since they escaped the wrath of TP...

KELLY JOHNSON: Last year hit .224 with 8 HRs, 29 RBIs and an OPS of .692 while losing his job to Martin Prado.
This year in Arizona he is hitting .320 with 9 HRs, 18 RBIs and an OPS of 1.203 while leading the Majors in long balls.

JEFF FRANCOEUR: Last year hit .250 with 5 HRs, 35 RBIs and an OPS of .634 before being traded to the Mets.
Since the trade he has hit over .300 with 13 HRs, 53 RBIs and an OPS of .837 in 99 games.

KJ and Frenchy were two highly regarded Braves prospects who continued to hit worse in the Bigs under the tutelage of Pendleton. One could say it's a coincidence but then you have to keep in mind that the Braves best hitters in Brian McCann and Chipper Jones go to their Dads for hitting advice rather than consult TP.

The Braves rank last in the league with a .228 batting average. Nate McLouth was an All-Star outfielder for the Pirates before coming over to the Braves. Now he's a .146 hitter. Melky Cabrera was "decent" in Yankee pinstripes and now he comes to a less pressure situation in Atlanta and he can't even sniff the Mendoza line. Troy Glaus is a shell of his former self. Yunel Escobar is constantly in LA LA land and on any other team would have been benched for his fuck ups on the field. Pendleton hasn't done shit with any of these batters making adjustments.

Right now I'm scared he is going to screw up The J-Hey Kid. Already Bobby Cox is complaining about him taking too many pitches. Jesus F-ing Christ! Heyward is not the problem Bobby! Look at what Adam Laroche is doing in Arizona. Check out Andruw Jones in Chicago and what Casey Kotchman is looking like in Seattle. One or two guys maybe a coincidence but when it reaches 10 or more players then I'm positive the problem is the hitting coach or lack there of one in TP. It's time to make a change. Don't let him fuck up Heyward. Loyalty can only take you so far Bobby and right now it's taking you straight to last place in your final season at The Ted.

"TP IS FOR BUNGHOLES!" is what my buddy Andrew texted me today when describing the Braves performance in 2010. Who knew that a visionary named Beavis would be so correct?...

MOTIVATIONAL PICTURE OF THE DAY

Big ass HT to George Lee for posting this picture.

OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

Star Wars: WTF! - watch more funny videos

I just had to post this. I'm not sure why it makes me laugh so hard but just seeing Hans Solo's face is priceless. Who knew George Lucas had such a warped sense of humor?

ST. LOUIS RAMS FAN OR NEW MULTIMILLIONAIRE?

Does this look like the face of a guy who just won $258 million dollars in the Powerball by spending $5 on tickets when he only had $28.96 in his checking account while trying to feed 3 kids? Why yes it is. This Show Me State resident showed his pearly whites yesterday as he accepted his winnings for being the lucky bastard to have the winning numbers in the Powerball game. Chances of him having the money or even living past 5 years has to be 10%. He does kind of have that Sam Bradford "oh shit I'm a new multimillionaire in Missouri" look on his face.

QUICK THOUGHTS ON THE FIRST ROUND

1. St. Louis Rams - Sam Bradford, QB, University of Oklahoma-David Carr 2.0. He is going to get destroyed in St. Louis.
2. Detroit Lions - Ndamukong Suh, DT, University of Nebraska-Absolute steal of a pick even at #2. The Rams will regret not taking House of Spears for years to come.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Gerald McCoy, DT, University of Oklahoma-Should be serviceable but I have my doubts of him ever being a Pro Bowler with his size.
4. Washington Redskins - Trent Williams, OT, University of Oklahoma-He did a great job of protecting Bradford...oh wait.
5. Kansas City Chiefs - Eric Berry, S, University of Tennessee-Grand Theft Berry is the closest thing to a sure bet as Suh is. Ed Reed 2.0 and a great pick for the Chiefs.
6. Seattle Seahawks - Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State University-Only gave up a sack once in his career. Walter Jones replacement.
7. Cleveland Browns - Joe Haden, CB, University of Florida-Kid plays hard all the time. Might not be the fastest cover corner but he will be a good pro.
8. Oakland Raiders - Rolando McClain, LB, Univeristy of Alabama-I actually really like this pick for the Raiders. McClain is a future Pro Bowler. Congrats to Al Davis for not being so senile.
9. Buffalo Bills - C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson University-Good knowing you C. J. Have fun in Canada!
10. Jacksonville Jaguars - Tyson Alualu, DT, University of California-What the fuck? Seriously Jaguars? The kid can play but why not trade down and get more picks?
11. San Francisco 49ers (from Denver) - Anthony Davis, OL, Rutgers-Great pick by the 49ers. Davis is another solid piece to an already good line in San Fran.
12. San Diego Chargers (from Miami) - Ryan Matthews, RB, Fresno State-I have my doubts with Matthews but anybody could run for 1000 plus yards with the Chargers line.
13. Philadelphia Eagles (from Denver) - Brandon Graham, OLB, University of Michigan-As much as I hate Michigan and the Eagles I love this pick. Graham will be an All-Pro for many years.
14. Seattle Seahawks (from Denver) - Earl Thomas, S, University of Texas-Everyone seems to love Thomas. I'm not one of them. Berry is light years ahead of him.
15. New York Giants - Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, University of South Florida-Sweet strip club last night Jason. Let me guess it was the Rosenhaus's idea?
16. Tennessee Titans - Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech-When he decides to play there is no better DE in this draft.
17. San Francisco 49ers (from Carolina Panthers) - Mike Iupati, OG, University of Idaho-Never seen his face before yesterday. Gotta love the Samoans though.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers - Maurkice Pouncey, C, University of Florida-Nothing like celebrating in a double wide while making out with dudes while hitting your head on popcorn ceilings. You win Pouncey.
19. Atlanta Falcons - Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, University of Missouri-I'm 50/50 on this pick. I wanted Graham for the Falcons but the Eagles traded up to nab him. Weatherspoon was the next best thing I suppose. We will see.
20. Houston Texans - Kareem Jackson, CB, University of Alabama-Had to get a corner to replace Dunta Robinson.
21. Cincinnati Bengals - Jermaine Gresham, TE, University of Oklahoma-Good pick by the Bengals but didn't they just draft a tight end last year in Chase Coffman?
22. Denver Broncos (from New England) - DeMaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech-Wow, the first receiver taken is Thomas. The kid was a stud in a triple option offense so he is used to catching ducks which should be plenty from Tebow.
23. Green Bay Packers - Bryan Bulaga, OT, University of Iowa-Kind of surprised he fell this far but also surprised they didn't take Dez Bryant. But then again they needed to protect Aaron Rodgers who maybe the best QB in the game. No joking.
24. Dallas Cowboys (from New England) - Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State University-The Cowboys trade up to steal one from the Ravens. This pick has a Randy Moss feel to it. A lot of teams will regret not taking a chance on the kid.
25. Denver Broncos (from Baltimore) - Tim Tebow, QB, University of Florida-I like Tebow. I really do. The kid does everything the right way and is a good football player and an even better human being. With that being said this was one of the dumbest selections ever. McDaniels is on the hotseat immediately.
26. Arizona Cardinals - Dan WIlliams, DT, University of Tennessee-Williams will be a better pro than Gerald McCoy. Just watch.
27. New England Patriots (from Dallas) - Devin McCourty, DB, Rutgers-Looked good on film. Holy Shit! Rutgers with 2 first round picks. USC, Georgia, and Notre Dame combine for 0.
28. Miami Dolphins (from San Diego) - Jared Odrick, DT, Penn State University-Probably a Miley Cyrus fan.
29. New York Jets - Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State University-Who fucking knows.
30. Detroit Lions (from Minnesota) - Jahvid Best, RB, University of California-Big fan of Best and I hope he tears it up in Detroit. Suh and Best are great selections for the Lions. Seriously.
31. Indianapolis Colts - Jerry Hughes, DE, TCU-Not as quick as Dwight Freeney but could develop into a Pro Bowl type player for the Colts.
32. New Orleans Saints - Patrick Robinson, CB, Florida State University-Should have taken Sergio Kindle here. FSU players are overrated.

PENN STATE TAILGATERS LOVE THEIR MILEY CYRUS

Shit they don't even pretend not to like Miley Cyrus. I'm pretty sure playing anything Miley Cyrus at your tailgate is grounds for disturbing the peace much less a tailgate. I award you Penn State fans. Just when I think you can't get any more embarrassing you go out and totally redeem yourself.