If I were a high school senior I would be tearing up that application to Harvard or Notre Dame or whatever bullshit school that doesn't have Undie Run. Would you rather go to some place that is cold and full of fat people or do you want to party with future strippers/Tiger Woods mistresses?
Uh huh...that is what I thought. God Bless ASU.
Video HT: BarstoolSports
HAHA...Awesome.
This is what Tiger needs to do to get his shit back. Get a divorce first. Give Elin everything you got. Start from scratch.
Second thing he needs to do is to start banging whores again. We know you aren't a Saint Tiger. Or even a Fake Phil. Embrace the dark side and run with it.
Third thing is he needs to hire me as his caddy. I'll take 5% or less. I could be your ultimate wingman. Call me.
Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing was suspended for the first four games in 2010 due to a test he took last September, league sources told ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter.
Cushing appealed the test in February and lost -- and was suspended this month by the NFL. It is unclear when he was informed that he failed the test.
Cushing was named The Associated Press' Defensive Rookie of the Year and went to the Pro Bowl in 2009.
Cushing was hounded by rumors of performance-enhancing drug use before he became a pro, but the Texans were undeterred. They said then they found no truth to those rumors in their draft preparations.
On Friday the Braves managed to hit rock bottom in terms of hitting by managing 2 fucking hits all game against some dinosaur named Jamie Moyer. Without the J-Hey Kid in the lineup the Braves are a collection of neanderthals aka Zane Smiths out there.
Team Batting Average: .232 (27th of 30)
Runs Scored: 121 (25th of 30)
Home Runs: 18 (27th of 30)
RBIs: 114 (25th of 30)
Slugging Percentage: .337 (28th of 30)
They have been sitting in timeout for the last 5 years with Terry Pendleton as their hitting coach and it continues to get worse. Bobby Cox or Frank Wren don't have the balls to fire him because somehow they think their hitters will either come around or it's not entirely TP's fault. I can hear the laughter now. It's a collection of Kelly Johnson, Adam Laroche, and Andruw Jones cracking up with the mere thought of TP as the hitting coach. I loved Pendleton as a player but I really can't stand him as a "coach."
There is some thought among sportswriters in Atlanta that the only reason why Pendleton hasn't been fired is because he will be Cox's replacement next year. Fuck. It's on par with FSU naming Jimbo Fisher as successor to another Bobby, Bowden. It's going to get bad. Real bad. Just fire TP now. The season can still be saved.
You can have all your talk about Kobe or Lebron or even Dwight being the face of the NBA but I don't want to hear it. When it comes to Canadian white point guards none of those fools can match up with the Sun's Steve Nash. Look at that face. It's the face of an angel. On acid.
In honor of Nash leading the Suns to a sweep of the San Antonio Spurs I demand all SportsCrack heads out there to Netflix the outrageous Canadian movie "Trailer Park Boys-Countdown to Liquor Day." If you haven't seen these guys in action you are seriously missing out. Bubbles is my hero. Here is a little sneak peak of the film that never made it to American theaters because we are too fucking stupid to handle Canadian redneck humor...
Image HT: Extra Mustard
Angus beef and beer smell...ahhhh....it's amazing how far feminine products have come these days...
Ohio State would like to be known as the queen of horrific music videos with this "Glee" inspired flash mob dance....
Wow! The gayness factor was through the roof on this one but what did you expect, it's Columbus. I still think the Notre Dame one is more embarrassing. The Midwest schools should just do what they do best: lose big time in BCS Bowl games.
Last night I watched this program on Lawrence Taylor and Tara Conner (former Miss USA who tested positive for drugs) talking about their battles with substance abuse and I was thinking to myself "good they finally kicked their demons." Talk about an all-time jinx. Last night LT was busted in New York City for rape of a 15-year-old girl...
Police in New York arrested former Giants LB Lawrence Taylor and accused him of raping a 15-year-old girl on Thursday.
Taylor was held after being arrested by Ramapo, N.Y., police and charged with third-degree rape.
The allegations stemmed from an incident at the Holiday Inn in Suffern, N.Y., Ramapo Detective Lt. Brad Weidel told the Journal News.
Ramapo police supervisor Christopher St. Lawrence told the Journal News that the victim was a runaway from the Bronx and that she had been assaulted.
"She was a runaway since March and there was a pimp involved," St. Lawrence told the paper. "She got punched in the face. We're not sure who did it."
You can always rely on the government to fuck up something so simple even if it's a spelling of a name. Bobby Cox was honored yesterday on Capitol Hill with a cake that read "Thanks for 50 Great Years Bobby Cocks!" DC should be honoring Cox after all the Nationals seem to get half their win total versus the Bravos. Maybe one of these days Bobby will wake up and realize your leadoff batters shouldn't have the worst on base percentage on the team and your best hitter shouldn't be batting 6th in the lineup. Nah! Eat your cake buddy.
Image HT: D.C. Sports Bog
Baseball lost a legend yesterday as long time Detroit Tigers announcer and Hall of Famer Ernie Harwell passed at the age of 92. Harwell is an icon in Detroit and will be missed dearly. Ernie goes out as a class act and will surely be impossible to replace. RIP Ernie Harwell.
Fucking awesome. Brings tears to these eyes to see some douchebag Phillies fan getting tasered in front of 40,000 plus screaming maniacs in Philadelphia. They should make this a new sport. It would be like the 8 seconds on a bull. The person who lasts the longest on the field at Citizen's Bank Park before getting tasered wins season tickets or Chase Utley's jock strap.
In case you were wondering the kid being tasered is a teenager and is going to a school we can all relate to...
Wayne Consalvi told the newspaper that his son was not drinking and he wasn't on drugs. Steve Consalvi is "a real good student, heading to Penn State," his father told the Philadelphia Daily News.
I have nothing against Arkansas people. Why would I? But why is this "guy" and I use the term loosely just hanging out in his truck like it's nothing after being thrown around by a tornado in it? The only reason I can think of is he probably has no pants on. That is the great thing about Arkansas. Pants are optional.
Video HT: BarStoolSports
I couldn't let you go into the weekend thinking of that garbage Notre Dame music video so I present "Chica Bomb." It's the perfect elixir for the soul as we head into a great weekend. And by soul I mean boner.
Peace!
I could ramble on for days about horses running around a track at ridiculous speeds but that would be boring. Instead I offer you some inside footage of The Kentucky Derby you won't be seeing tomorrow on television.
First we have a Southern Belle who loves her Mint Juleps (the official drink of the Derby)...
The infield is where the finest mud wrestling in Kentucky becomes legendary...
You have to bring the essentials to the Derby: Weed and toilet paper...
Then of course you got the infield Drunk slap off at 3 pm...
And then the race itself which is a time honored tradition. I'm talking about the Porta Potty Race of course...
I've gotten a ton of requests for us at SportsCrack to make a Dodger's themed shirt. I figured a Rihanna's boy toy shirt wouldn't sell as well as this new one called "The Bison." Matt Kemp earned the nickname when the Dodgers were playing the Atlanta Braves and soul glo announcer Don Sutton mentioned Kemp looked "like a big buffalo running around the bases" as he stole his first major league base. Jon Weisman's popular Dodgers blog, Dodger Thoughts, ran with "The Bison" and it has stuck with him ever since.
Get your "The Bison" t-shirt and show your love for Rihanna's favorite boy toy in Matt Kemp...
I was about to blog about Brian Kelly and his staff absolutely crushing it on the recruiting trail lately but then this monstrosity of a Notre Dame production "hip hop" video showed up in my inbox and all I can say is they better have those kids signed to binding letters. This has got to be the worst school music video I have ever heard. Babies can create better looking shits than this pooh.
Seriously after watching this video I think I hate Notre Dame. Or at least who ever decided this would be a good idea.
The Pope called Notre Dame today to thank them for creating something more embarrassing than a Catholic priest.
Feel free to leave your jokes in the comment section. Notre Dame deserves them after creating this piece of shit.
The Braves again "managed" to lose their 9th straight game today in embarrassing fashion in St. Louis. They scored 4 runs which I believe is a season high since the Opening Day massacre of the Cubs...sarcasm folks. The Braves should be scoring a lot more runs. Everyone knows this. Their lineup is not this bad. It's their hitting coach who "manages" to fuck up their offense by offering absolutely nothing to the team.
Let's take a look at what some of the recent Braves departures are doing since they escaped the wrath of TP...
KELLY JOHNSON: Last year hit .224 with 8 HRs, 29 RBIs and an OPS of .692 while losing his job to Martin Prado.
This year in Arizona he is hitting .320 with 9 HRs, 18 RBIs and an OPS of 1.203 while leading the Majors in long balls.
JEFF FRANCOEUR: Last year hit .250 with 5 HRs, 35 RBIs and an OPS of .634 before being traded to the Mets.
Since the trade he has hit over .300 with 13 HRs, 53 RBIs and an OPS of .837 in 99 games.
KJ and Frenchy were two highly regarded Braves prospects who continued to hit worse in the Bigs under the tutelage of Pendleton. One could say it's a coincidence but then you have to keep in mind that the Braves best hitters in Brian McCann and Chipper Jones go to their Dads for hitting advice rather than consult TP.
The Braves rank last in the league with a .228 batting average. Nate McLouth was an All-Star outfielder for the Pirates before coming over to the Braves. Now he's a .146 hitter. Melky Cabrera was "decent" in Yankee pinstripes and now he comes to a less pressure situation in Atlanta and he can't even sniff the Mendoza line. Troy Glaus is a shell of his former self. Yunel Escobar is constantly in LA LA land and on any other team would have been benched for his fuck ups on the field. Pendleton hasn't done shit with any of these batters making adjustments.
Right now I'm scared he is going to screw up The J-Hey Kid. Already Bobby Cox is complaining about him taking too many pitches. Jesus F-ing Christ! Heyward is not the problem Bobby! Look at what Adam Laroche is doing in Arizona. Check out Andruw Jones in Chicago and what Casey Kotchman is looking like in Seattle. One or two guys maybe a coincidence but when it reaches 10 or more players then I'm positive the problem is the hitting coach or lack there of one in TP. It's time to make a change. Don't let him fuck up Heyward. Loyalty can only take you so far Bobby and right now it's taking you straight to last place in your final season at The Ted.
"TP IS FOR BUNGHOLES!" is what my buddy Andrew texted me today when describing the Braves performance in 2010. Who knew that a visionary named Beavis would be so correct?...
