PASSED OUT DRUNK

You know it's bad when some fat dude in an Old Navy shirt is making fun of you. If that were me and God and plenty of my friends know I have been there before and this was caught on tape and shown to the world then I would never pick up another beer. For at least a couple of days. Because once chubbies start making fun of your drinking then you know it's time to take a break from the booze.

Video HT: BarstoolSports

HAIL TO THE VIOLATIONS

Rich Rodriguez might just want to tuck his tail and run for cover. Things in Ann Arbor continue to get worse under DickRod's watch. They apparently bend the rules and still can't produce anything close to a winning season for the Maize and Blue...

The school admitted Tuesday to a series of violations by its storied football program and said it had reprimanded seven people, including third-year coach Rich Rodriguez. Another staffer was fired and the school released more than 150 pages detailing a breakdown in communication within the athletic department as well as self-imposed sanctions that include two years of probation.

The school now has to hope that its explanation and sanctions will satisfy the NCAA, which will hold a hearing on the case Aug. 13-14 in Seattle. A final decision isn’t expected for 6-10 weeks later, perhaps sometime during the Big Ten season.

Athletic director David Brandon said he doesn’t believe the problems related to practice time and coaching activities are enough to warrant the loss of scholarships or extreme disgrace.

“I don’t think this is a black eye,” Brandon said. “This is a bruise.”

As if an 8-16 record is not horrid enough now you have the NCAA investigating because you practice a little too much. This isn't a black eye for the football program it's more like a black eye on DickRod. How can you have more coaches allowed and more practice time and yet still suck balls? Michigan was a perennial winner before Rodriguez got his filthy West Virginia hands on the program and now they are a laughingstock.

Well it is true that I'm not the biggest Michigan fan but I want to see Michigan at least compete and do it the right way. Nobody likes cheaters except the USC AD. The Michigan football program has a tremendous tradition of always coming in second place to Ohio State in the Big Ten and I think for the good of the conference that needs to come back. In the meantime let's hold hands and sing "HAIL TO THE VIOLATIONS!"

DO NOT TOUCH ME AGAIN

Who knew hospital meetings could be so riveting? The director of community relations aka PR guy for the hospital has a real hands on approach when it comes to dealing with the media. I'm actually shocked the news reporter didn't just flat out slug the guy after he told him to stop. The PR guy continues to come at him like he is some fresh choir boy meat at a Catholic church. If some guy molests you like this PR guy does you have the right to flat out punch him right? The drama in this scenario flat out kills that garbage called Grey's Anatomy.

Video HT: HotClicks

MUST BE A PHILLY FAN

I guess they started letting in those crazy Philly fans into international basketball events. With the Flyers in the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1997 I'm just waiting to see a fan jump over the glass and start harassing one of the Chicago Blackhawks on the bench. It's honestly the only way ESPN will show a highlight of hockey.

MORTAL KOMBAT BUS FIGHT

MORTAL KOMBAT BUS FIGHT - watch more funny videos

I played Mortal Kombat in the arcade probably 1000 times (no shitting you either, I still have that song in my head when I go to sleep) when I was a kid and I still would have gotten my ass kicked by Epic Beard Man. His form is flawless.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND

As rough as this week has been for you or others take solace that you aren't matador Julio Aparicio. Deadspin posted the picture just a while ago of Aparicio literally taking a horn through the chin and out of his mouth. Somehow the guy is still alive but of course he is in critical condition. I wonder if he got a good view of the T-Bone's ass...wait a second, no, it's got to be your bull...



And for you sick people like myself who are skeptical of the picture being authentic (everything seems to be photoshopped these days) well then I give you this video. The bull clearly won this round...


Adios!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE WORLD CUP?

To be completely honest I'm not the biggest soccer fan in the world but I do appreciate the skill that is involved with not being able to use your hands in a sport. Seems strange to me but then again I'm just another dipshit American. With that being said this Nike commercial got me pumped up for some Italian and Argentinean flopping this summer down in South Africa. I'll be rooting as always for the Americans to beat the Brits in the early rounds and for someone to take out both Ronaldo and Ronaldniho. I want a country that no one expects to win it. Like Iraq. I think they deserve it with all the smart bombs they have had to deal with for the past decade. Nah, fuck it! Go USA!!!

ANDY RODDICK BETWEEN THE LEGS SHOT

Does it take big balls or no balls to pull off the in between the legs tennis shot? Because I'm thinking if you have big ones then you don't want a piece of solid graphite/titanium/whatever the fuck they make out of racquets these days swinging between your legs so close to your junk. But if you have no balls then go ahead and swing away. Brooklyn Decker could give us a solid answer. Or Roddick's boyfriend. Things that make you go hmmm.

BROOKS F@#KING CONRAD!

The Braves bats are coming alive my friends! Brooks stinkin Conrad hits the walk off grand slam today in the 9th to send the Braves to an improbable 10-9 win over the Cincinnati Reds. The Braves were down 8-0 and 9-1 before entering the 9th down 9-3. Starter Tommy Hanson was off his A game but the Bravos never gave up and chipped away until the Reds completely self destructed.

Back-to-back-to-back walk off 9th inning wins for the Bravos send them over the .500 mark for the first time since they were sitting at 8-7. Hopefully they can keep the momentum going with an offense that seems to be heating up as fast as the summer arrives here in the ATL.

Here is the walk off grand slam from Conrad which is sure to be pulled by MLB because they are puppy raping Nazis...

I HATE DOING LAUNDRY

I honestly can't stand doing laundry. Ever since my college days when I would have to go to a laundry mat and sit around in a shit hole with no air conditioning while waiting for 2 hours for my clothes to dry I get angry when I do laundry. But seeing The Hills Audrina What's her face do fake laundry in this photo shoot puts a smile in my bitter heart. Somebody with some entrepreneurial skills should start a business where hot women come and do your laundry in nothing but skimpy or no clothes at all. I'm married now but back in my single days I would have paid for it. The laundry of course is what I'm talking about. I like my shit folded with creases but I think I wouldn't give a rat's ass as long as there was Audrina prancing around in panties.



And if you were wondering if this post was just an excuse to post pictures of Audrina topless then you would be correct.

WEDDING PARTY PICTURE GONE WILD

Lesson be learned: Too many fatties in a wedding party can send the whole thing crashing down.

Video HT: Rick

FLOYD LANDIS IS THE DOPE

Finally disgraced cyclist Floyd Landis thought he could come out and pull his Pete Rose card out and get some sympathy for cheating his game but all he really has done is thrown the entire sport including his former teammate Lance Armstrong under the bus...

Mr. Landis said that Mr. Armstrong’s longtime coach, Johan Bruyneel, introduced Mr. Landis to the use of steroid patches, blood doping and human growth hormone in 2002 and 2003, his first two years on the U.S. Postal Service team. He alleged Mr. Armstrong helped him understand the way the drugs worked. “He and I had lengthy discussions about it on our training rides during which time he also explained to me the evolution of EPO testing and how transfusions were now necessary due to the inconvenience of the new test,” Mr. Landis claimed in the email. He claimed he was instructed by Mr. Bruyneel how to use synthetic EPO and steroids and how to carry out blood transfusions that doping officials wouldn’t be able to detect.

What is it with athletes not accepting responsibility for their own actions this week? At least Hanley Ramirez apologized yesterday both verbally to his teammates and coach and also literally with his bat and his hustle. Listen Floyd Landis: YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG! Everyone knows you don't go snitching once you have been caught. This isn't going to save your pathetic career. Everyone knows Armstrong used PEDs. You don't just miraculously recover from stage 3 cancer and go on to win 7 consecutive Tour De France races without a little or a lot of help from some PEDs. Some people may have their head buried in the sand on this and think prayer and the grace of God saved him but science proves with Armstrong at least that we can all LIVESTRONG with the help of some drugs and medication. I've already come to the conclusion that Armstrong cheated just like Bonds and McGwire miraculously started hitting 70 HR's in a season. So all you are doing Landis is being the dope. Stop being an asshole and go ride a bike or something.

THE J-HEY KID IS SO FREAKING MONEY

Just another game and another walk off double for The J-Hey Kid. No big deal with a game of 2 doubles and a triple. Just continues to play hero on a team that desperately needs him to be clutch every time he comes to bat. Heyward is so fucking money they should just hand him the Rookie of the Year Award along with the key to the city now.

The Bravos would easily be 5 to 6 games below .500 right now if Heyward was picking his nose in the minors. Instead he leads the team in OPS, RBI's, Slugging Percentage, and bitches who want to get on his nuts. Sorry Chipper and McCann but this is now The J-Hey Kid's team. 20 years old and already he has Albert Pujols nervous about stealing away his MVP Awards.

GOTTA LOVE BULL SHIT BIG TEN RUMORS

All of these come courtesy of Tom Dienhart's Tweets who apparently is a college football "writer" for Yahoo/Rivals...

If Texas and ND joined the Big Ten, the thought is they would request to play each other every year.
about 3 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

If ND joins the Big Ten, there is talk the league wouldn't take any other Big East schools.
about 3 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

And it sounds like the Big East may be pushing ND to discussions with the Big Ten. Play football in the Big East--or get out.
about 4 hours ago via web

Big Ten, Texas, ND are discussing a special rule to accommodate both schools. Instead of playing 8 league games, both would play 7.
about 4 hours ago via web

Latest Big Ten expansion buzz has the league focusing on Notre Dame, Texas, Nebraska.
about 4 hours ago via web

Listen I would love for Notre Dame and Texas to join the Big Ten and play each other every year but the special rule of 7 league games for the two of them is such bull shit I can't believe Dienhart would even "Tweet" it. I've come to the conclusion over the past 31 years that college football is a fucking mess because the NCAA doesn't control shit. I mean seriously why in the hell is Notre Dame still holding on to the independent status in football? I love Notre Dame football and all the tradition and everything about the school but they need to wake up and just join a conference. And the only reason why I want them to join a conference is so the Big Ten can expand to 16 teams and we can start moving toward an eventual playoff system.

I mean it's 2010 and we still have a bunch of greedy a-holes in charge of an archaic bowl system that doesn't mean shit. If the NCAA had any balls (which they don't as evidence with the lack of USC sanctions) they would give Notre Dame an ultimatum to join a conference like the rest of the free world (except Navy and Army) or they will never be given a chance to play for a National Title even if they go undefeated. Notre Dame fans are pretty much divided when it comes to joining a conference. Some love the idea. Some absolutely loathe joining the Big Ten. But guess what? All of them would get over it in about 20 minutes once Notre Dame finally caved and just joined the conference. The money will be more and the incentive to play for a conference championship is something the current football players could look forward to.

Ohio State AD Gene Smith made some good points to USA Today about Notre Dame joining the conference...

There has been speculation Notre Dame could again be approached. That strikes a chord with Ohio State's Smith, a Notre Dame alumnus.

"I've always struggled with my alma mater," he said. "I love them deeply, and the things I enjoy in life today are because of my experiences there, so my feelings run deep, really deep. If they end up being one of the schools, I hope that they would consider what a conference championship means to a young person.

"I was blessed to be there when we were winning national championships, as a coach and a player. The landscape has changed. … For me, I've just got to believe that for a Notre Dame football player, winning a conference championship and having that conference ring is a memorable experience, and then chasing a national championship. You can do both."

Some ND alums want to argue that Notre Dame would lose it's "brand" as a national university. No. It wouldn't. Just because the Yankees are in the American League East and the Duke Blue Devils are in the ACC and the Dallas Cowboys are in the NFC East doesn't mean they lost their "national brand." People are still going to love or hate Notre Dame throughout the world.

Personally I wish Notre Dame would join today because I think it would help create a huge domino effect. The Big Ten could get Texas, Missouri, Rutgers, and Pitt to make it a 16 team super conference with an incredible championship game in Chicago in the cold of December. Notre Dame could still play USC and Navy out of conference and would also create new rivalries with the likes of Texas, Ohio State, Penn State, Wisconsin, etc. This would be incredible. It would also force the SEC to expand and steal schools such as Miami, FSU, Clemson, and Georgia Tech from the ACC. The SEC would be absolutely sick. The PAC 10 could add Utah, BYU, Boise State, and UNLV among others so USC can still play a weak conference schedule every year and get their ass kicked with Lane Kiffin following the path of Paul Hackett's steps. The Big 12, Big East and ACC could join together for another conference of whomever is left after the Big Ten, SEC, and PAC 10 steals away their other teams.

That would make it 4 power conferences with 64 total teams. The other 50 plus schools who are 1-A or FBS or whatever the fuck you want to call it can either drop down to 1-AA or make their own conferences and play in all those bullshit bowl games that don't mean anything. The 4 conference winners then play in a playoff. Two semifinals. One final that would be bigger than the Super Bowl. You could fill in all of the other bowl games with teams who finished with at least 7 victories.

BAM. There you go. I just outbid Dienhart on his BS Big Ten rumors with my own mess of a scenario. Now go post this shit everywhere.

GREAT MOVIE POSTER

HolyTaco has some literal movie posters for all the summer shit coming to our screens this year. I thought this "Twilight" one was the funniest only because I've actually watched the first two movies (yes, I know, I'm gay, you win) and kind of enjoyed sleeping while watching them with the wife. The "Sex and the City" poster would have been great if they would have put the puppet from "Tales from the Crypt" on there instead of that retarded donkey.

MY FUCKING BALLS DUDE

Video HT: BarstoolSports had this priceless classic up before I could get to it. I love everything about this video. First he completely busts it on the concrete which is always funny. Second not one of his stoner buddies even reacts to his fall at first. They just sit there and try not to laugh or think about Cheetos. And then "I'm bleeding out of my fucking balls dude!" comes out of the kid's mouth and then you realize he isn't faking it. The kid's scrotum looks like shredded cheese on a taco. Now that is funny video.

Here is the extended version...."THIRD TIME IS A CHARM!"....

I'M NOT DRUNK: THE GAME

Back in the day I could have beaten this game in like a couple of hours. Today not so much. No worries though because it's in God's plan right?


Video HT: Andrew

HANLEY RAMIREZ INSERTS FOOT INTO MOUTH

Apparently Hanley Ramirez is trying to defend himself today for his lack of effort by telling reporters that the rest of his teammates are lazy assholes and his coach Fredi Gonzalez has no idea what he is talking about because he never played a game in the majors. Oh this is going to get really interesting...

"It's his team. He can do what he [expletive] wants," Ramirez said of Gonzalez.

Ramirez told reporters he wasn't planning on apologizing to his teammates or his manager. Whether that changes over the next day or two remains to be seen.

"For what?" Ramirez said. "We've got a lot of people jogging it, after ground balls. They don't pull guys."

"It's OK. He doesn't understand that. He never played in the big leagues. That's fine," Ramirez said. "That's the example that he set. It started with me. Let's see how far it goes."

How is that some athletes can be so fucking stupid and not let their precious ego get in the way? All Hanley has to do is apologize to his teammates and the coaches and go out there and hustle. It's that simple. All will be forgiven. But instead he has to piss and moan like a spoiled brat because he was benched when it was his own damn fault.

To Gonzalez credit he is doing the right thing. It's not Hanley's team no matter if he makes the most money and is the proverbial "face of the franchise." Hanley will not get a sniff of playing time unless he mans up and shows some respect to the rest of his team. He needs to grow up and realize that the Marlins expect him to lead by example.

Or else he will be traded to the Orioles where All-Stars go to die.

HANLEY RAMIREZ DISPLAYS HIS INNER YUNEL ESCOBAR

This is the kind of shit I can't stand in baseball. Baseball is the ultimate lazy man sport to begin with and the most you will ever have to run is around the bases is on a home run. Most of the time you just stand around and spit. Trust me, I do it every Saturday in my rec league. This is why I can't stand when guys who get paid millions of dollars to play a fucking lackadaisical game give an effort like this.

Hanley Ramirez obviously doesn't give a shit about his teammates or if they win. He would rather be soaking up the Miami sun then hustle to atone for his fucking error to begin with. I know Hanley is a superstar but fuck him. I would suspend him for a week without pay for the garbage he pulled last night. Fredi Gonzalez to his credit benched him immediately after the inning due to "a lack of effort."

"He got smoked with the ball in the ankle," Gonzalez said of the foul off Ramirez's leg. "But whether he's hurt or not hurt, we felt like the effort wasn't there that we wanted. There are 24 guys out there, busting their butts."

Seeing the lack of hustle with Hanley brings back painful memories of Yunel Escobar of the Braves. Another exceptional talent who thinks the world revolves around him and his mere presence in the lineup is reason alone not to give everything he has on the field. What Hanley pulled last night was shocking to me. I've never seen a player show such an utter disregard to even trying on the field.

It's so embarrassing that the Marlins should just go ahead and trade him to the Orioles along with Josh Johnson for Garrett Atkins straight up. At least Atkins hustles when he sucks.

ROGER FEDERER PULLS A ROB DEER

And completely whiffs match point with Rafa Nadal yesterday in Madrid...


I kind of dig how Rafa pulls a "Fairchild" at the end and accidentally brushes the ball girl straight in the boobs. The difference is Rafa is Spaniard and gets away with it because Europeans aren't all hung up about sexual groping on the clay court. In America with our 10 billion laws I would have been castrated for even thinking about brushing my ugly ass on a set of funbags.

Nice way to play it off Rafa by falling into the clay after the grope. Those Spaniards are so slick.

Video HT: TheBigLead