NEWS REPORTER BLOOPER

See how easy it is kids? All you need is a hammer, a camera crew, a junkyard, an unlocked car, and a gashed hand and you too could be a thief this summer. Happy stealing!

THE IRON SHEIK IS NOT A JIM JOYCE FAN

BarStoolSports has this video of The Iron Sheik laying it out on umpire Jim Joyce. Back in the day I use to love watching Hulk Hogan make the Sheik look like a little bitch. I even had the action figurines and the ring. Yep, I was pretty much a loser who played wrestling with guy dolls. By the way, are those skis in the background? I never took the Iron Sheik as a skier. He seems more like a Turkish wrestling type of guy.

NOTRE DAME LINEBACKER STEVE FILER IS ATHLETIC, CAN JUMP OUT OF POOLS

Notre Dame starting* outside linebacker Steve Filer displays his amazing athleticism by not only jumping out of a pool which appears to be 5 feet deep but also doing it while somebody holds the camera sideways. Seriously, how hard is it to hold the camera upright? Filer clearly has NEO like skills and hopefully his freakish athleticism will translate to the gridiron this fall. With Filer, Manti "Hawaiian Hitman" Te'o, Darius Fleming, Anthony McDonald, and Brian Smith all looking like potential starters this season the Fighting Irish should have a solid group of LB's with a ton of experience and most importantly speed. You can't teach speed and I would venture to say this could be the fastest if not most athletic linebacker core since the mid 90's in South Bend.

*=I'm guessing he will start this season over Brian Smith or Darius Fleming

YOU WILL BE MISSED KEN GRIFFEY JR

Ken Griffey Jr. announced today that he has retired. "The Kid" is now 40 years old which makes me feel old. He had the sweetest swing in the game and I believe is the greatest player of my generation. He never got his World Series ring but he did finish his career with 630 home runs which is 4th on the all-time list (Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, and Willie Mays count; Bonds doesn't) and he played the game hard for most of his career before injuries started to plague him.

He ran into walls. He wore his hat backwards. He swung effortlessly. He smiled and enjoyed playing the game better than anybody. He had the most famous baseball card of the past 60 years. His swing was emulated by kids who wanted to be him. He's a first ballot Hall of Famer and without a doubt a living legend. A bronze statue needs to go up immediately in Seattle.

You will be missed Kid. See you in Cooperstown in 5 years.

ARMANDO GALARRAGA GOT HIS PERFECT GAME STOLEN BY HANDLE BAR MUSTACHE GUY

This should have been the 21st perfect game in Major League history and yet it all got taken away as handle bar mustache guy stole it from Armando Galarraga. Even if the runner ties there you call him out. I'm literally shaking as I type this. I can't believe the umpire just stole a perfect game by making one of the shittiest calls ever.

This further proves that umpires aren't people. They are heartless pricks with bad facial hair. And they go by the name of Jim Joyce. I would be shocked if he makes it out of Detroit alive. It would be on par with a girl surviving a date with Joran van der Sloot. Odds are you're dead.

By the way Don Denkinger says "Thank you!"

JIMENEZ IS STRAIGHT NASTY

IMAGE FROM GETTING IMAGES

Ubaldo Jimenez threw his second shutout of the season by out dueling The Freak Tim Lincecum 4-0 to become the Major's first 10 game winner. He just lowered his ERA to 0.78 while extending his scoreless innings streak to 26. This Dominican hurler is bringing back memories of Pedro in his prime.

At just 26 years old Jimenez has completely come into his own while pitching half his games in Coors Field which has been known to kill many of young pitcher's confidence. He already has a no-hitter and is on pace to win 32 games (yeah I know there is no way he wins that many but it is still fun to look at the projections) and has been by far the best pitcher in the game this year despite the exploits of Doc Halladay. Opponents are only hitting .172 against him.

The kid is fucking nasty. Plain and simple. Just give him the Cy Young now.

FIRST PLACE LOOKS AND FEELS GOOD

AJC PHOTO BY JASON GETZ

It's June 1st and the Atlanta Braves sit in first place for the first time at this stage in the season since 2005. They finished off a 20-8 May with a convincing 9-3 victory over the Phillies thanks to the bats finally heating up.

Bobby Cox and Frank Wren deserve some credit. Usually I give them more shit than they probably deserve but I figured why not point out some of the great things they have done this season. Wren's signing of Troy Glaus to a one year contract for pocket change has to be one of the best moves in the offseason. Glaus hit his 8th homer of the season, a 3 run shot in the 8th, which proved to be the final nail in the coffin. He now has 8 homers and 37 RBI's and is starting to resemble the prototypical cleanup hitter he was in Anaheim. For $1.75 million this year I would say Wren has knocked it out of the ballpark with this signing.

Bobby deserves some credit too for shuffling his lineup. The Braves started scoring more runs when they realized they should put their most consistent hitter all season in Martin Prado at the leadoff spot. Prado isn't going to steal you bases but he is going to get on base at an extremely better rate than Melky and Nate would. He has been a doubles machine this year and I believe without a doubt he deserves to make his first All-Star appearance.

Bobby also put Heyward at the top of the lineup. We all know about how great Heyward has been this season ever since his first swing. The kid is a beast and has earned his way the right way by crushing the ball pretty much every game. He also is deserving of getting an All-Star selection and hopefully the fans start to punch his name on the ballot by the millions since he has been the story of baseball (with a hat tip to Ubaldo Jimenez) through the first 50 games. As a 20 year old The J-Hey Kid has lived up to all the heavy expectations bestowed upon him in Spring Training and for the most part him and Prado carried the Braves offense through April. The good news is he can go 0 for 5 and yet the Braves can still manage to put 9 runs on the board now. This wasn't the case 3-4 weeks ago.

Cox has also gone with the hot hands in Eric Hinske and Omar Infante. Hinske has crushed all season and deserves to start in left field. He might not have the defensive range as Melky in left but with McLouth covering so much ground in center the trade off in minuscule. I've become a big Hinske fan and Wren all deserves credit for picking him up for cheap. The players seem to really like the guy and you can see why he has been a part of a club who has made the last 3 World Series.

The bats of Chipper, McCann, and Escobar are heating up. All of these guys are way too good to be struggling like they have through the first 40 games of the season and if you look at their career seasonal averages then you would expect them all to have great second halves. I'm still not giving TP any credit though. Sorry.

Also got to give credit for the Tim Hudson resigning. Hudson has been the ace this year. I've always been a big Huddy fan and it's great to see him back healthy for once and resembling those A's days when he would mow down some of the best hitters in the AL at alarming rates. With Huddy, Big Red Hanson, and the eventual return of Jair Jurrjens you have three of the best pitchers in the National League. Lowe could still be a money pitcher especially if they make the playoffs. Kawakami is questionable but his performance on Sunday was outstanding and as a 5th starter you won't be able to find many others who can match his stuff even though the 1 victory is cause for concern.

Overall I would say Cox and Wren have done an excellent job of piecing together this club. I know it's still early with 111 games to go but I like the way this team is meshing together. They seem to all be on the same page and pulling for each other and have a good collection of veterans (Chipper, Huddy, Lowe, etc.) and young studs (Heyward, Hanson, Escobar) that have one common goal in the end: Send Bobby back to the playoffs for one last hurrah!

Go Bravos!

RON ARTEST WITH THE WINNING SHOT

I think about 99% of the Lakers crowd that Kobe was going to nail the winning shot and that is the reason why Ron Artest was left open with the rebound and game winning putback. The Suns knew Kobe would take the shot. He makes them most of the time anyways. But the gritty Artest pulled a little Dennis Rodman out of his hat and got in position for the board and the put back. Money. Now we got to wait and see if the Lakers and the Celtics can close out these Conference Finals and give us a rematch of the NBA Finals from two seasons ago. I personally want to see them play even though I usually root for the underdog. I like the Suns. I hate the Magic. But there is little doubt the Lakers vs. Celtics would be fun to watch for most of the nation.

Video HT: TheBigLead

GOLDEN TATE SINGING TAYLOR SWIFT

It would be tough to argue that Golden Tate was the most exciting player to wear the blue and gold since Rocket was returning kicks for TDs back in the day and as you all know I'm a huge fan of Golden. The football player. The singer not so much. It's still killing me that the Atlanta Falcons passed up the chance to take a playmaker like Golden and now I got to hear him sing Taylor Swift. Why don't you just go ahead and dig that fork in me a little more.

Oh yeah, I'm going on record now stating that Golden will absolutely crush it in the NFL. The kid flat out makes plays when the ball is in his hands and in my mind he plays identical to Carolina's Steve Smith. He might not be the tallest wideout but his speed, hands, balance, and toughness make him stand out on the football field. He will be a football star in Seattle.

PASSED OUT DRUNK

You know it's bad when some fat dude in an Old Navy shirt is making fun of you. If that were me and God and plenty of my friends know I have been there before and this was caught on tape and shown to the world then I would never pick up another beer. For at least a couple of days. Because once chubbies start making fun of your drinking then you know it's time to take a break from the booze.

Video HT: BarstoolSports

HAIL TO THE VIOLATIONS

Rich Rodriguez might just want to tuck his tail and run for cover. Things in Ann Arbor continue to get worse under DickRod's watch. They apparently bend the rules and still can't produce anything close to a winning season for the Maize and Blue...

The school admitted Tuesday to a series of violations by its storied football program and said it had reprimanded seven people, including third-year coach Rich Rodriguez. Another staffer was fired and the school released more than 150 pages detailing a breakdown in communication within the athletic department as well as self-imposed sanctions that include two years of probation.

The school now has to hope that its explanation and sanctions will satisfy the NCAA, which will hold a hearing on the case Aug. 13-14 in Seattle. A final decision isn’t expected for 6-10 weeks later, perhaps sometime during the Big Ten season.

Athletic director David Brandon said he doesn’t believe the problems related to practice time and coaching activities are enough to warrant the loss of scholarships or extreme disgrace.

“I don’t think this is a black eye,” Brandon said. “This is a bruise.”

As if an 8-16 record is not horrid enough now you have the NCAA investigating because you practice a little too much. This isn't a black eye for the football program it's more like a black eye on DickRod. How can you have more coaches allowed and more practice time and yet still suck balls? Michigan was a perennial winner before Rodriguez got his filthy West Virginia hands on the program and now they are a laughingstock.

Well it is true that I'm not the biggest Michigan fan but I want to see Michigan at least compete and do it the right way. Nobody likes cheaters except the USC AD. The Michigan football program has a tremendous tradition of always coming in second place to Ohio State in the Big Ten and I think for the good of the conference that needs to come back. In the meantime let's hold hands and sing "HAIL TO THE VIOLATIONS!"

DO NOT TOUCH ME AGAIN

Who knew hospital meetings could be so riveting? The director of community relations aka PR guy for the hospital has a real hands on approach when it comes to dealing with the media. I'm actually shocked the news reporter didn't just flat out slug the guy after he told him to stop. The PR guy continues to come at him like he is some fresh choir boy meat at a Catholic church. If some guy molests you like this PR guy does you have the right to flat out punch him right? The drama in this scenario flat out kills that garbage called Grey's Anatomy.

Video HT: HotClicks

MUST BE A PHILLY FAN

I guess they started letting in those crazy Philly fans into international basketball events. With the Flyers in the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1997 I'm just waiting to see a fan jump over the glass and start harassing one of the Chicago Blackhawks on the bench. It's honestly the only way ESPN will show a highlight of hockey.

MORTAL KOMBAT BUS FIGHT

MORTAL KOMBAT BUS FIGHT - watch more funny videos

I played Mortal Kombat in the arcade probably 1000 times (no shitting you either, I still have that song in my head when I go to sleep) when I was a kid and I still would have gotten my ass kicked by Epic Beard Man. His form is flawless.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND

As rough as this week has been for you or others take solace that you aren't matador Julio Aparicio. Deadspin posted the picture just a while ago of Aparicio literally taking a horn through the chin and out of his mouth. Somehow the guy is still alive but of course he is in critical condition. I wonder if he got a good view of the T-Bone's ass...wait a second, no, it's got to be your bull...



And for you sick people like myself who are skeptical of the picture being authentic (everything seems to be photoshopped these days) well then I give you this video. The bull clearly won this round...


Adios!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE WORLD CUP?

To be completely honest I'm not the biggest soccer fan in the world but I do appreciate the skill that is involved with not being able to use your hands in a sport. Seems strange to me but then again I'm just another dipshit American. With that being said this Nike commercial got me pumped up for some Italian and Argentinean flopping this summer down in South Africa. I'll be rooting as always for the Americans to beat the Brits in the early rounds and for someone to take out both Ronaldo and Ronaldniho. I want a country that no one expects to win it. Like Iraq. I think they deserve it with all the smart bombs they have had to deal with for the past decade. Nah, fuck it! Go USA!!!

ANDY RODDICK BETWEEN THE LEGS SHOT

Does it take big balls or no balls to pull off the in between the legs tennis shot? Because I'm thinking if you have big ones then you don't want a piece of solid graphite/titanium/whatever the fuck they make out of racquets these days swinging between your legs so close to your junk. But if you have no balls then go ahead and swing away. Brooklyn Decker could give us a solid answer. Or Roddick's boyfriend. Things that make you go hmmm.

BROOKS F@#KING CONRAD!

The Braves bats are coming alive my friends! Brooks stinkin Conrad hits the walk off grand slam today in the 9th to send the Braves to an improbable 10-9 win over the Cincinnati Reds. The Braves were down 8-0 and 9-1 before entering the 9th down 9-3. Starter Tommy Hanson was off his A game but the Bravos never gave up and chipped away until the Reds completely self destructed.

Back-to-back-to-back walk off 9th inning wins for the Bravos send them over the .500 mark for the first time since they were sitting at 8-7. Hopefully they can keep the momentum going with an offense that seems to be heating up as fast as the summer arrives here in the ATL.

Here is the walk off grand slam from Conrad which is sure to be pulled by MLB because they are puppy raping Nazis...

I HATE DOING LAUNDRY

I honestly can't stand doing laundry. Ever since my college days when I would have to go to a laundry mat and sit around in a shit hole with no air conditioning while waiting for 2 hours for my clothes to dry I get angry when I do laundry. But seeing The Hills Audrina What's her face do fake laundry in this photo shoot puts a smile in my bitter heart. Somebody with some entrepreneurial skills should start a business where hot women come and do your laundry in nothing but skimpy or no clothes at all. I'm married now but back in my single days I would have paid for it. The laundry of course is what I'm talking about. I like my shit folded with creases but I think I wouldn't give a rat's ass as long as there was Audrina prancing around in panties.



And if you were wondering if this post was just an excuse to post pictures of Audrina topless then you would be correct.

WEDDING PARTY PICTURE GONE WILD

Lesson be learned: Too many fatties in a wedding party can send the whole thing crashing down.

Video HT: Rick