FOR GAMETIME – have an arsenal of beer available, with ESPN taking the reigns of the BCS National Championship things are sure to move about the speed of a kidney stone. Suggestion: Walgreens has a 6 pack of “beer” on sale for $2.99 right now, with the kidney stones you’ll inherit from this presumably fine malted beverage you’ll finally be able to get the last joke. Print and play…
Sponsors:
- For every mention of the word “Tostitos” by someone not calling the game – 1 drink
- For every mention of the word “Tostitos” by Brent Musberger or Kirk Herbstreit – 2 drinks
- Someone eats a “Tostitos” chip on TV? Kill it.
- NIKE: If at anytime during the game the Oregon uniforms causes some retinal disruption, temporary blindness, or complete loss of bowels – 1 drink.
Cam Newton NCAA subgame- Every Time ESPN…
- Mentions Cam’s “troubles” – 1 drink
- Shows some graphic illustrating said “troubles” – 2 drinks
- Cuts to Cecil slying it amongst the Auburn faithful – kill it.
The Oregon Offense subgame- This is tough and is best played with multiple people – Oregon’s playcalls come from signs carried around on the sideline that look like this:
When displayed on the screen everyone in the room should immediately (and correctly) shout what is on the placard. First to finish becomes President, and can order anyone to drink copious amounts of alcohol. The first to complain is designated “beer bitch” and has to fulfill the President’s drink order. If no one complains the President can appoint the beer bitch, but is limited to making him drink only once during his tenure. The game resets upon each shot of the Oregon signs.
– First Quarter – Clockwise from the upper left
– Second Quarter – Counter clockwise from the upper right
– Third Quarter – Clockwise from the lower left
– Fourth Quarter – Counter clockwise from the lower right
– Overtime – Free for all. Weapons permissible.
The Brent Musberger sub game (optional)- for the Brent Musberger subgame, please see the Brent Musberger drinking game.
Offense:
- When Oregon scores everyone must start quacking and flapping their arms like wings. The last one to start loses and must drink the score.
- When Auburn scores everyone should get on all fours and meow. The last one to do so loses and must drink the score. BONUS! If Cam Newton scores the Auburn touchdown, the loser must drink the Cammy Cam Juice for 5 seconds with the entire crowd counting down. For recipe see below.
- If someone refuses to act like a duck or tiger, “LaGarrette Blount is mad” rules come into play and that person is subject to a merciless beating until the ensuing kickoff. If violence is not your answer, this person is automatic beer bitch.
Defense:
- With the strategy of playing defense likely scrapped from both sides the of the field, if either team punts the ball the entire room is to toast the defense and consume together.
- A bucket is to be placed in the middle of the room. After every defensive stop everyone is to pour any amount of their CURRENT beer into the bucket, and is to continue to do so on each defensive stop (punt or turnover) until someone scores. Once a team scores the bucket is now to be presented to the first person who uses the bathroom after the score. They must consume the entire contents. Anyone who walks outside and out of site when doing so is presumed to have used the bathroom. This is to continue throughout the game or until someone dies. Whatever comes first.
ESPN: They can’t possible fuck this up as much as FOX managed to, but you know ESPN is ESPN so if anytime during the broadcast, including pregame and post game…
- Lou Holtz slurs – 1 drink
- Brent Musberger slurs – 2 drinks
- Someone mentions Tim Tebow – 1 drink for first mention, 1 additional drink thereafter.
- Todd McShay evaluates the pro potential of one of the players in the game – kill it and throw the can at the TV while everyone yells, “You hack”. If drinking from bottles, throw closest soft object. (We do not want to be responsible for the loss of anyone’s TV this evening.)
- Erin Andrews – first asshole to state the obvious “she’s hot” – he has to kill it.
- If ESPN finds a way to work in Chris Berman or Stu Scott – kill it.
- If ESPN promotes the Pro-Bowl – drink once, unless they mention that some of the guys on the field are future pro-bowlers, then see McShay above.
- The “Roll Tide” commercial plays – One for you, and one for the Tide’s season (into the previously mentioned bucket).
- The Michigan job is mentioned…shrug and continue about your business.
Cammy Cam Juice: Gatorade + Everclear. Pour entire bottle of Everclear into bucket, jug, etc. Mix in Gatorade to taste. Godspeed.
