Bama Football Player Michael Nyeswander Does His Best Stone Cold Steve Austin Impersonation

So, this guy from the Dega infield last night...of course he plays tight end at Alabama http://t.co/eFNtYDAFc8 pic.twitter.com/s6XPzwspLN
— Bunkie Perkins (@BunkiePerkins) May 4, 2014

Remember all of those Alabama stereotypes in your head before you saw this post of Alabama Tight End Michael Nyeswander?  Well now you feel a little less guilty don't you?

We got the Alabama tank top officially licensed by Nike.

We got the classic jorts.

We got the tube socks with work boots.

We got the classic old school Miller Lite can.

And to top it all off we got the Bama meathead crushing said Miller Lite on head in an epic drunk fueled steroid/deer antler spray rage.

All that is missing is a scantily clothed cousin of Neyeswander eyeing him up and this would be the perfect Bama stereotype encapsulated in two pictures.

Notre Dame Coaches Reading Student-Athlete Tweets Was Actually Funny

I don't care how old you are or how young you are or how sophisticated or how well of an upbringing you were brought up in farts are 100% funny all the fucking time.  My 3 year old daughter cracks up every time I "toot" or she "toots" and my wife stares at us like we are neanderthals until she finally laughs because they are fucking funny.  You can't help yourself.  So when I see a ND coach talking about one of her players tweeting about getting cropdusted it makes me laugh.  The world would be a lot better albeit smellier place if we just handled confrontations or squabbles with farts.  I mean could you imagine back in the day Reagan and Gorbachev just ripping cheese bellies together?  The Cold War would have been dead.

By the way where the hell was Brian Kelly?  You can't have a video about ND coaches without the most famous and really the only important one on campus.  He was probably out interviewing for the soon to be available Atlanta Falcons job.

How to Sneak Into Any Game

I could see myself doing all of these except the stealing beer part.  I'm not a big enough asshole I guess to fake a choking and grab some other dude's beer and chug it in front of them.  Granted all bets are off if I see some douche wearing a Yankees hat at Turner Field.

True story I've only snuck into one game without paying in my life.  I've gotten plenty of free tickets but actually getting into a packed game without a ticket is hard work.  We all know I like to do the least amount of work.  Remember C's get degrees kids and they still count as much as straight A's.  Anyways I was up in Philly for my college roomie Tobin's wedding.  Our flight out to Atlanta on that Sunday was delayed because of some bullshit fog or rain in the ATL.  So the wife and I decided to take a shuttle over to Citizen Banks Park to watch the Phillies battle the DBacks.  In Atlanta it's easy to get a baseball ticket. You just walk up to the ticket window and buy one.  In Philly we found out it doesn't work the same way.  They were completely sold out.  No standing room tickets.  No handicap tickets.  Nothing.  It was the game before the All-Star break so every inbred Philly fan was there.  So I told the wife we had to get in we were just going to have to wing it somehow.  Asked a few ushers and they put up the Heisman.  The game had already started.  Finally spotted a guy frazzled with his kids of course leaving the stadium.  And much like the fake baby bottle story I asked if I could have his tickets stubs.  He had a diaper or some shit to do so he didn't care.  Took the stubs up to the usher and told him we had to run out of the stadium to get our drunk friend a cab or some shit and the usher just let us in.  We wound up staying for the whole game and saw the DBacks beat the Phillies.  It was great.

Bikini Girls Boat Crash is Funnier than one would expect

Don't even act like you refrained from laughing.  It doesn't make you a bad person.  It makes you a human being.  And watching assholes in their power boat lose their shit to a wave to the remix of "Turn Down For What" is internet gold.

Alabama Grocery Store Advertises Jameis Winston Crab Legs

Those crab legs look mighty tasty!  Jack's Foodland Supermarket in some town in Alabama I dare not care to even look up advertised these "Jameis Winston King Crab Legs" as a joke but it caught fire on social media yesterday.  Larry Smith, the owner, says he only made one label (wink wink) and posted it on their Facebook store page and it soon took off.  Smith is an Alabama fan and as you probably know Winston is an Alabama native and was considered a recruiting steal for FSU when they took him from the grasps of Nick Saban and Bama two years ago.  Jack's Foodland has now been receiving all kinds of media attention since the crab legs went viral and why not?  This shit is funny.

Speaking of going viral our FREE SEAFOOD UNIVERSITY Shirt has been a hot item since it's debut on Wednesday.  This shirt is guaranteed to get people talking and girls are drawn in to it like a moth to a flame.  In other words guys or gals if you are looking for the perfect shirt for the summer going into the fall this is it.

The In"FAMOUS" Free Seafood University Shirts

Get the one and only Free Seafood University shirt at SportsCrack.com

This graphite 50/50 cotton polyester blend shirt has a soft vintage feel to it.  It's also tagless.  Don't be a Criminole and pass up the chance at owning a Classic Free Seafood University Shirt.

Kenny Powers Makes An Appearance on MLB 14 The Show Game Commercial

While I agree with Kenny Powers that baseball is better than most if not all of sports I gotta go devil's advocate here.  Playing video game baseball sucks.  Granted I haven't played video games in a long time because unfortunately I had to grow up and become a part-time alcoholic while being a full-time Dad but back in the day Madden, NBA Jam, Tiger Woods golf, even Fifa soccer blew the fucking doors off any baseball game.  Maybe things I have changed and MLB 14 The Show is the greatest sports video game of all-time but I seriously doubt it.  Too much thinking involved in baseball.

Jameis aka "The Crustacean Sensation" Winston Addresses the Media over Crabgate

Nothing to see here folks.  Jameis Winston has faced the music and will now serve 20 hours of community service for his shellfish act.  He is also suspended from the baseball team which makes you think it was all a part of the master plan by Jimbo Fisher.  You can't have the Heisman Trophy winner serving a suspension during football season.  Especially not for a big time revenue generating sport like college football.  We will see you in the fall InFamous Jameis.

Gotta admit I was kind of disappointed to hear Red Lightning was involved.

Jameis Winston Cited for Shoplifting Crab Legs At Publix

Go ahead and put this in the memory bank for headlines you never thought you would read.  Reigning Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston was caught stealing crab legs at Publix.  No bull shit according to Tomahawk Nation...

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was issued a citation Tuesday for shoplifting crab legs from Publix, according to multiple sources. Winston, the reigning Heisman Trophy winner, is a red-shirt sophomore for the Seminoles.

"He got an adult civil citation," a trusted source inside Tallahasse Police told Tomahawk Nation. "If he completes the sanctions it will never show up on his record. They commonly give them to juveniles on first criminal offenses. They are now doing it for minor misdemeanors for adults to lower crime rate"

Well this gives new meaning to FSU and the Seminoles.  Not only can we bring back the always classic "Criminoles" shirts for public ridicule but also I feel a Free Seafood University shirt needs to be done.

Just another shellfish act by young Jameis.

New Jose "Yogi" Abreu South Side Chicago 79 Throwback Shirt

Chicago White Sox slugger Jose Abreu has already shattered Albert Pujols rookie record for homers and RBIs in a month and the first month of the season isn't even over.  Abreu's teammate Adam Eaton has called him "Yogi" because he is a bear of a slugger.  We agree.  Get the one of a kind "Yogi South Side 79" Throwback Shirt exclusively at SportsCrack Tees.

Rihanna Shows Off Her Pierced Boobs

CLICK HERE FOR THE NSFW PHOTOS

Before you even ask "what does this have to do with sports?" may I point out that Rihanna once dated Dodgers centerfielder Matt Kemp...so yeah...she has some connection.  So it was my duty to point out that Rihanna has gone from Kemp to showing off her pierced nipples in a French magazine called LUI.  Moving up in the world!

Yankees Fans Boo Robinson Cano to his Face

You honestly can't blame Yankees fans here.  Star second baseman Robinson Cano left the friendly confines of Yankees Stadium for more money on the west coast.  $240 million to be exact over 10 years.  I mean what an asshole that Cano is.  It's not like the Yankees whole roster with the exception of Jeter is made up of players who did the same exact thing to their former teams by taking pinstripe dollars.  Nope.  Poor Yankees fans.  I feel for you guys.  I hope to never feel that hurt.

Fuckers.

Jeremy Lin Sure Does Love to Travel

How the fuck was this not called?  I counted at least 7 steps.  Last time I checked you have to dribble the ball to go that far with it.  This Jeremy Lin non travel call just proves me point.  The NBA is hot garbage.  I would rather watch Golden Girls reruns than this shit they call the NBA playoffs.

/ Team NHL Playoffs Guy

Warriors Fans React To Los Angeles Clippers Owner Donald Sterling's Racist Comments

I laughed out loud.  So did you!  If not you are a racist.

Ryan Braun is Still a Great Teammate, Strikes Jean Segura With a Bat

The Hebrew Hammer is still hitting people where it hurts.  Ryan Braun is fresh off his steroid suspension and at this point is trying to get any good publicity after lying to the public.  Well his bat has been doing most of the talking so far in Milwaukee to the tune of .318 with six jacks and 18 driven in.  Not bad for a now self admitted cheater.  But just to prove how much of a cock sucker Braun is he decided to hit his teammate SS Jean Segura on the head with old Louisville Slugger.  Sure Braun will play it off as an unfortunate accident and say Segura was in the wrong place at the wrong time just like that urine cup collector but we all know this was no accident.  The bat don't lie.

Baseball Porn: Andrelton Simmons Defensive Highlights

As an Atlanta Braves fan I sometimes take what 24-year-old Platinum Glove winner Andrelton Simmons does with his glove for granted.  "Simba" as he is affectionally called has the best glove, the best range, the best arm, and the best instincts by any major leaguer in the game today.  Simmons makes plays look so easy even when they clearly are not and he isn't a flashy me first guy like Yunel Escobar that he sometimes goes unnoticed.  He shouldn't.  Simmons is right up there with "The Wizard" Ozzie Smith for best defensive shortstop that I've ever seen play the game.  His highlights are baseball porn worthy and he's quick as a cat.  Simba is a rare breed who is worth the price of admission just to say you say him play.  Like watching Gretzky take the ice, MJ take the floor, and Montana break the huddle you know something special is going to happen when Simmons puts his Rawlings rawhide on his left hand.

Twins' Chris Colabello Hits HR For Mom on her Birthday

Talk about delivering the perfect birthday present for Mom.  Minnesota Twins' Chris Colabello does not disappoint.  The only problem is now Mom is going to be expecting bigger and better things every year.  Like you can't get anything better than a homer from your son right as the sideline reporter in interviewing you.  It's just not possible.  So next year when he delivers flowers and a kiss or whatever the fuck you give to your Mom on her birthday the look of disappointment in her eyes could be soul crushing.  Colabello might as well just cut his losses and become an Alaskan Ice Trucker.

Mike Trout Steals Bryce Harper's Thunder Once Again With Diving Catch

Ever since Bryce Harper graced the cover of Sports Illustrated at the age of 16 as the next sure fire superstar in making Mike Trout has taken it as his personal goal to steal all the thunder away from the Clown Question bro.  Not only has Trout been the best all-around player in the game without question (don't even fucking argue with me on this because you will make yourself look like a simpleton) his first two seasons and really it's fucking highway robbery he doesn't have two MVP awards to show for it but that is a discussion for another day.  The reason why Trout doesn't get the accolades or notoriety of a Harper is only because Bryce plays on a better team on the east coast.  That's it.  Trout is better at all facets of the game.  Speed, power, fielding, running, hitting, diving, smiling, spitting, farting you name it Trout does it better.  This doesn't make Harper a shitty player by any means.  That's not what the point of this post is.  I'm just saying Trout is like Superman and Harper is like Captain America.  Both are extraordinary but I will take the guy who can fly into fucking outer space over a guy with a shield any day.

Best NBA Bench Reactions

It's like watching black people react to a David Blaine magic trick.  The reaction is always funnier when they are running around in circles screaming and shouting "oh no you didn't!"  Every.  Single.  Time.

University of Arizona Knows How to Throw a Pool Party

I know what you are thinking...I went to the wrong damn school.  And you are right unless you went to Tuscon as an undergrad and enjoyed the epic pool parties.  Tuscon so hot right now.  Tuscon.  Bear Down bitches!

Video via BroBible