JIMMY KIMMEL JOKES FROM THE ESPYS

Via Deadspin, here are some sports jokes delivered by Jimmy Kimmel on the awards show that nobody watches..

Tonight's show focuses primarily on the accomplishments of athletes on the field - but there are so many great things going on off the field too.

Michael Vick, as you've probably heard, is picking up where Bob Barker left off, to try to help control the pet population.

I think that's great.

He's also been doing some wonderful things for people in his local community - just this last weekend, he let the police have a treasure hunt in his backyard.

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Ron Artest was also investigated for cruelty to animals this year. This was actually a scary case - they claim - and, of course, these are just allegations - that he forced two of his dogs to listen to his entire rap album.

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Kobe was here tonight, but about halfway down the red carpet, he asked to be traded to another awards show.

Right now, Don Cornelius is presenting him with a Soul Train Award.

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David Beckham comes to LA this month. I have to say I have never seen my gardener so excited.

David Beckham got 250 million dollars to pay for the Galaxy. It's a lot of money, but they're hoping he can do for soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey...which means in 15 years, no one will be watching soccer either.

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I want to congratulate Greg Oden - the number one pick in the NBA Draft.

Greg is here tonight. How can you be 19 years old? You look like Grady from Sanford and Son.

Don't people usually have their tonsils removed before they turn 40? You may have heard Greg was diagnosed with tonsillitis. But what you might not know is he got a second opinion this morning and it turns out they're not tonsils at all ... they're dinosaur eggs.

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Well - this is going to be a fun night. I don't know if I'll be able to fill Lance Armstrong's shoes, but at the very least, I'm pretty sure I can fill his scrotum. Figuratively, of course.