JIMMY KIMMEL JOKES FROM THE ESPYS

Via Deadspin, here are some sports jokes delivered by Jimmy Kimmel on the awards show that nobody watches..

Tonight's show focuses primarily on the accomplishments of athletes on the field - but there are so many great things going on off the field too.

Michael Vick, as you've probably heard, is picking up where Bob Barker left off, to try to help control the pet population.

I think that's great.

He's also been doing some wonderful things for people in his local community - just this last weekend, he let the police have a treasure hunt in his backyard.

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Ron Artest was also investigated for cruelty to animals this year. This was actually a scary case - they claim - and, of course, these are just allegations - that he forced two of his dogs to listen to his entire rap album.

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Kobe was here tonight, but about halfway down the red carpet, he asked to be traded to another awards show.

Right now, Don Cornelius is presenting him with a Soul Train Award.

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David Beckham comes to LA this month. I have to say I have never seen my gardener so excited.

David Beckham got 250 million dollars to pay for the Galaxy. It's a lot of money, but they're hoping he can do for soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey...which means in 15 years, no one will be watching soccer either.

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I want to congratulate Greg Oden - the number one pick in the NBA Draft.

Greg is here tonight. How can you be 19 years old? You look like Grady from Sanford and Son.

Don't people usually have their tonsils removed before they turn 40? You may have heard Greg was diagnosed with tonsillitis. But what you might not know is he got a second opinion this morning and it turns out they're not tonsils at all ... they're dinosaur eggs.

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Well - this is going to be a fun night. I don't know if I'll be able to fill Lance Armstrong's shoes, but at the very least, I'm pretty sure I can fill his scrotum. Figuratively, of course.

MICHAEL VICK INDICTED FOR DOG FIGHTING

Is there any chance the Falcons can get Matt Schaub back? Here is the indictment. Read it, laugh, cry, get pissed off Falcon fans. Ron Mexico aka Ookie would be going to the big house but we all know people with money can get away with anything. Hell OJ and Jayson Williams killed people and still got off.

I can't wait to see the trial on Court TV and get to hear Clinton Portis be called as a character witness.

TRANSFORMERS VS. GI JOE

Okay people, this is a very serious discussion regarding the importance of both cartoons back in the 80's. The 80's were great because it gave us blow and fantastic cartoons to watch while doing blow. Since Transformers was released two weeks ago, the movie has been kicking ass in the box office. And since Hollywood knows how to turn a trend into shit you know they are going to eventually make a GI Joe summer blockbuster. But I want to know which cartoon the Sportscrack Nation enjoyed more back in their adolescent days.
Here is the Transformers theme/intro:


Here is the GI Joe theme/intro:


So, what's it going to be?

GEORGIA'S STAR RECRUIT KING ARRESTED
I knew Athens was getting tough but this is getting a little ridiculous. Caleb King, a 5 star UGA freshman prep recruit expected to contend for playing time this fall, was arrested last night for driving down the wrong way on a one way street while having a suspended license. Oh yeah, and to top it all off he was on a scooter...or moped as the cool kids would call it now.

What in the fuck is going on in Athens when a star player can't get away with a little fun here and there? I used to go to Athens a lot to visit some buds up there but never had to deal with cops even when I was underage and hammered. I hope this is a lesson to any recruit looking at Athens: WE DON'T DO FUN HERE, WE DO FOOTBALL!

A new NFL Bang Cartoon...must have been a down month for news in the NFL, this one is not nearly as good as DogPile or the Pacman one.

SEC'S TOP QUARTERBACKS

Our good buddy Tony Barnhart (at least in our minds) is at it again. With only 44 more days till college football finally kicks off, Barnhart released his top 5 QB's in the SEC.



1. Andre Woodson, Sr., Kentucky. Led the SEC in passing yards (3,515) and touchdowns (31) last season. Completed 63 percent of his passes and threw only seven interceptions in 419 attempts. If this kid was at Florida, Tennessee or Georgia he’d be on the cover of every football magazine in the country.

2. Erik Ainge, Sr., Tennessee. Made significant progress in his junior season, his first under new offensive coordinator David Cutcliffe. Completed 67 percent of his passes for 2,989 yards and 19 touchdowns. He figures to be even better as a senior. Will give Woodson a run to be the All-SEC quarterback.

3. Matthew Stafford, Soph., Georgia. Not too many quarterbacks in the country finished their seasons with wins over teams like Auburn, Georgia Tech, and Virginia Tech. Stafford’s stats weren’t overwhelming (7 TD, 13 INT) but at the end of the year he showed that he can make all the throws. He had only one interception in Georgia’s last three games. If Georgia’s offensive line jells, Stafford could have a huge year.

4. Tim Tebow, Soph., Florida. Tebow made the most of the opportunities he got as a true freshman playing behind Chris Leak. Now he has to prove that he can make the throws under pressure. He’s a powerful runner and showed during the spring that he has a pretty good touch on the ball. He will be working with one of the best sets of receivers in the country.

5. John Parker Wilson, Jr., Alabama. Alabama’s running attack was disappointing (ninth in the SEC) last season and put far too much pressure on Wilson, who threw for 2,707 yards and 17 touchdowns (13 interceptions). If the offensive line improves and a running back steps up, Wilson could have a very good year throwing to DJ Hall (62 catches) and Keith Brown (44 catches).

HONORABLE MENTION

— Brandon Cox, Sr., Auburn. Threw for only 14 touchdowns with nine interceptions last season but was slowed by injuries.

— Matt Flynn, Sr., LSU. Played sparingly last season behind JaMarcus Russell, the NFL’s No. 1 draft pick. But he was the MVP in the 2005 Chick-fil-A Bowl win over Miami.

— Blake Mitchell, Sr., South Carolina. There are times when Mitchell looks like a very good quarterback. Then there are times when he doesn’t. He almost beat Florida last season, completing 24 of 33 passes for 275 yards. Then he goes 13 of 39 in the spring game.

— Chris Nickson, Jr., Vanderbilt. Played pretty well in his first season replacing Jay Cutler. Threw 15 touchdowns but had 13 interceptions. Also had 694 yards rushing to finish fourth in the SEC in total offense (231.6 ypg).



I think Tony is right on with his order and it is going to be fun watching Stafford and Tebow battle it out for at least the next two years.

If you had to guess, who has banged the most chicks since they enrolled: Tebow or Stafford?

VERSUS

THE REASON I DON'T WANT A PREACHER AT MY WEDDING



Kudos to Longhorn Mike for sending me this.

THE SWEET SWING OF KEN GRIFFEY JR

Congrats go out to Junior for passing Frank Robinson last night into 6th place on the all-time homerun list with his 587th career homerun. It is still amazing to think if Griffey would have stayed healthy throughout his career or if he would have shooted himself up with cattle steroids he would be approaching 800 homeruns, hell, maybe 900 homeruns right now.

Oh well, at least he has his pride, dignity, and most important...his balls aren't shriveled up like a boy on Michael Jackson's bed.