1. Boston Red Sox-The team is more loaded than Heath Ledger on pills. Okay, maybe not that loaded but you get my point. Manny Ramirez
aka lazy bitch with the best swing in baseball will have a monster season because A)Contract year and B)he is that fucking good. David Ortiz will be backing him up in the cleanup spot and there is no doubt the Sox will be scoring a ton of runs with guys like Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury(ROY candidate if he gets the at-bats), World Series MVP Mike Lowell, the always reliable Jason Varitek and some redneck vagina out in right field in the lineup. I forgot his name already. The pitching is stacked and I wouldn't worry to much about losing Curt Schilling. Josh Beckett will be strong again and Dice-K should be better than he was last season or otherwise he is stealing a lot of yen. Honestly this team is so loaded I bet on them to win the World Series even though I hate their guts. Oh yeah, and to top it all off they might have the best closer in the game in Jonathan Papelbon.Prediction-99 Victories
2. New York Yankees-This team needs some serious publicity. I feel so bad for them having to mire in obscurity these past 90 years so I felt it was my responsibility to inform you about this young, up and coming team from the Bronx. Some guy named A-Rod
decided to come back because he wanted to take a pay cut in order to be faithful to his wife and trainer and because he loves the city of New York. They have been so wonderful to him and his family since he arrived a few seasons back. Seriously, A-Rod is the most stand-up guy in baseball. Just ask Derek Jeter or Jose Canseco. They have pool parties and pillow fights together all the time. It's so sweet to see teammates and former teammates get along so well. Everyone loves New York so much they will take twice the money just to play there and live outside of the city. Johnny Damon creams in his pants when thinking about how loving and compassionate the fan base is and how they support their players despite their slumps. The city has become so gentle and caring since the tragic 9/11 thing occurred. They win the Wild Card because like the A's and Marlins they love to play Money Ball.Prediction-93 Victories
3. Tampa Bay Rays-Holy cow there is finally a team worth talking about in Tampa/St. Pete. The Rays have one of the best young and talented pitching staffs in the major leagues with Scott Kazmir, Jamie Shields, and newly acquired Matt Garza all potential studs. Carl Crawford is still one of the most underrated players in the game and should be a fantasy baseball manager's wet dream. Evan Longoria did not make the club this spring but should eventually be up within the first two months and should contribute. BJ Upton
had a breakout season last year and will be the everyday centerfielder now that Rocco Baldelli's career seems to be over. Don't expect as big of a season out of 1B Carlos Pena but he should still put up 30 plus homers in the Tropicana/Geritol Stadium. The bullpen could be their downfall with Troy Percival closing games and a lot of question marks setting him up. This team has been drafting young studs for years now it is their time to at least finish out of the basement in the AL East.Prediction-82 victories
4. Toronto Blue Jays-Besides Vernon Wells, Alex Rios, and Roy Halladay I really don't like the pieces on this team. Matt Stairs is expected to play left field. Laughter ensues.
Cardinal rejects David Eckstein and Scott Rolen man the left side of the infield. More laughter ensues. Lyle Overbay and an old Frank Thomas man your two power hitting positions at 1B and DH. Those Canadians sure are funny aren't they? This team could be really bad but at least they are not as bad as the Baltimore Orioles. Over/under on AJ Burnett starts this year: 20. If I was a betting man...wait, I am, I would take the under. The Blue Jays are fucking dead in this division.Prediction-73 Victories
5. Baltimore Orioles-This year's Cinderella is the BAWtimore OWioles. Okay maybe not but a little boy can dream right? The O's are finally rebuilding behind GM Andy MacPhail and are left with either shit old players or up and coming studs. The good for the O's is RF Nick Markakis. In what should be his first of many All-Star games Markakis will be the most consistent player in a rather pathetic lineup. If the O's keep 2B Brian Roberts as it appears they will now the lineup will only be shitty and not horrendously shitty as previously thought. CF Adam Jones will go through some growing pains but could put up Chris Young type numbers. The starting pitching is awful. Jeremy Guthrie is the most consistent and Daniel Cabrera is another meltdown from being banished to...fuck me...he is 2nd in the rotation! The bullpen looks like it will be better only because it was so bad last year it can't surely get any worse. Make no mistake this should be the worst team in Orioles history. But there is always the future O's fans and players like Billy Rowell and Matt Wieters will be making impacts in 2009. And for the love of God Peter Angelos
please give hometown product Mark Teixeira whatever the hell he wants and sign him this offseason. What remains of the loyal fans who still wear orange and black deserve it. Fuck, now I need a kleenex.Prediction-20 Victories, and if I was a betting man I might take the under.
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