JOKE OF THE DAY

The Best Pub

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.'' The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.''

RANDOM THOUGHT
I think Michael Vick going to the big house could turn into the best thing to happen to the Atlanta Falcons. Joey Harrington wants to lead this team and prove his worth in the NFL. Vick was never going to be a great QB or lead his team to a Super Bowl because of his lack of maturity, leadership, and efficiency as a passer.
Anybody that can come out of the NFL albatross known as the Detroit Lions who wants to prove his worth and is ready to be a leader has my vote over a guy who goes by the names of Ookie and Ron Mexico.
Maybe the Falcons franchise took a turn for the best with Vick getting incarcerated. What does the Sportscrack nation think?

NEW SHIRTS!
Get ready for the College Football season with some new, kick ass shirts from Sportscrack.com.

He is a pimp daddy with the sweetest ride, now get the shirt.


Supposedly Superman wears this underneath his leotard Florida fans.

Not only are they Crimi"noles" but they are way overrated.

MOODY FOLLOWS THE MONEY TO FLORIDA
"I followed my heart," said Moody, the Trojans' second-leading rusher last season. "It's when you get that feeling that you know something is right and you can't really describe."

Um, I'm going to call BS on this one. Florida tailbacks have averaged less carries per game than USC in the last 5 years so it can't be a better opportunity. I thought the Poodle used to be a shady guy, but now it is all Urban Cryer. First he whines his way into the BCS National Championship game, then he steals recruits from other schools, and now he gets starting tailbacks from USC to transfer to Florida. Nothing seems shady about that at all to me...


Let's hear it from Emmanuel himself what a great family man Cryer is...

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS STUPID

Wow! I think we just found a new sideline reporter for CBS. This clip is from Saturday's Miss Teen USA pageant with the South Carolina contestant proving blondes do have more fun. I don't know which is more funny: her answer or AC Slater's look on his face after she delivers one of the most horrible answers known to mankind.

DREAM COME TRUE

I watched the whole Little League World Series game yesterday not because I like little boys but because I like to see ballplayers hustling and giving it their all (I'm looking at you Andruw Jones). Watching Dalton Carriker hit a walk-off game winning home run has got to be the pinnacle of his life. As soon as he hit it his face lit up like he saw he first live nipple the thought that came to my degenerate mind was "he is going to get so much ass tonight." Is that wrong? If you are 12 years old and you just became a national hero on national television wouldn't you expect just a little action. You know Carriker is never going to have a bigger moment in his life. He could come up with a cure for cancer but still people will remember him as the kid with braces who made Japanese kids cry.

All right, I'm going to try to stop acting like an asshole and say congratulations to the Warner Robins little league team. You made this Georgian baseball player proud the way you played the game and I don't think I've seen a better moment than immediately after the game when both teams were hugging each other. It takes a lot for me to get choked up but to see those young Japanese kids crying because they knew they would have to go home and take a lashing for their incompetence; and yet the big, proud Americans embraced them and showered them with hugs shows that this is the greatest, most powerful country in North America.

U-S-A bitches.

HAPPY 47TH CAL RIPKEN
A Hall of Famer on and off the field, Cal Ripken was my hero besides my parents when I was growing up. He played the game hard every day and played it at an All-Star level.

So in honor of Ripken here is a video:

ONE MORE REASON TO HATE ESPN
As you all know my love-hate relationship with ESPN runs deep. Here is just another reason why ESPN needs to be put down or someone...anybody...needs to come out and make a competing network devoted to sports. Come on Mark Cuban, I know you read this blog, you can do it. Anyways, ESPN decided to do a little segment on the top 5 Traditions in College Football. I must warn all college football fans, there is a New York Post writer telling us about college football traditions. Yes, the piece of splooge cleanup towel we all call the New York Post!


W-H-A-T T-H-E F-U-C-K? I don't know whether to laugh or cry. First off asking a New Yorker, let alone a guy who talks like Andrew Dice Clay and writes for the Post to talk about college football is on par with asking Chris Rix how to be a champion.

Oh shit, people actually do ask.

The Miami Hurricanes tradition is dead Cuban hookers and Columbian bam-bam. It ain't white smoke unless you are talking about Michael Irvin and crack. Is he really serious about Miami and the running out of the "white smoke?" I love the comparison of Tom Cruise and The Last Sumarai with Miami's "tradition." I guess he has never heard of Clemson's tradition of running down the hill and rubbing Howard's Rock. That can't even compare to what Miami does with the white smoke right? Or what about Florida State's tomahawk chop they stole from the Atlanta Braves in the early 90's? I'm kidding Seminole fans, everyone knows you stole it from the Redskins.

Army's great tradition is losing to Navy. How you can put Army over the dotting of the i or any of Notre Dame's traditions is simply amazing.

But then again this is ESPN and they are asking somebody from the Northeast what they think about college football. If I want to know something about the NHL I'm not asking Cletus from Alabama. If I want to ask about morals and how to do the right thing I'm not calling up Pacman to get his advice.

But then again ESPN is not just about sports they will tell you. It's about entertainment too. Nothing is entertaining about a guy talking about something he has no clue on. Don't make me come over there ESPN...

MOODY DOWN TO TWO
The latest on Emmanuel Moody, the second leading rusher for USC last season, is he has narrowed his choices down to Florida and North Carolina. The funniest part of this whole transfer is the reason behind him leaving in the first place.

Moody says he is leaving because it's a "business decision." HMMM, a business decision. And by business I presume we are talking cash money. I guess ever since the little Reggie Bush fiasco at USC in which we came to found out he took over a quarter of a million $$ in gifts with room and board thrown in for his family, now USC is making sure they only hand out so much.

Poor guy. I'm presuming Butch Davis and Urban Meyer have some deep pockets in order to get a guy the calibre of Moody. "Business" decision are all about money and we all know Florida is rolling in the money with the 3 Championships and the amount of money being dished out to Meyer and Billy Donovan annually.

My guess is Florida. Cash money yo.



my mind on my money, my money on my mind

OOKIE'S SUMMARY OF FACTS
Well, the summary of facts have come out and nothing much has changed. Ookie is still a bad guy according to his federal indictment and will be going to jail for at least a year. The NFL is a forgotten dream for Ron Mexico now.
You participate in a gambling enterprise where you are THE money man and you can pretty much say bye-bye to any chance of ever playing in the NFL again.

With that being said I think we can all agree that Vick's dad needs to shut the fuck up. Now I think we can all understand why Marcus and Michael are so fucked up in the head. One has to accept responsibility and I am definitely not a Vick apologist, but I am thankful that I grew up with a father that I can look up to who was always there for support and not just looking for money (probably because I don't have anything besides this crusty $10 bill in my semen soaked shorts...oh wait, did I semen, I meant booger).

Anyways the point is to look up to your parents and not athletes. But if you have parents like Michael Vick then don't use it as a crutch and make the best out of your life like Juan Dixon
has done. Dixon grew up in one of the most awful situations a human being could ever endure and yet has come out of life as a champion both on and off the court.

OFF TO SEE DAVE CHAPPELLE
I got to get out of here and drive my ass through the huge cluster fuck that is known as gridlock Atlanta traffic to see Dave Chappelle. I'm hoping to get some video footage and share it with the Sportscrack nation but you never know what those narcs down at the Tabernacle will let me bring in. And if you are wondering, and I'm sure you are, I have to make a stop to pick up my date: my monkey...

I'm going to chill with my monkey!

FORGET BECKHAM, THIS IS HOW YOU GET RATINGS



Ignore the stupid Black Eyed Peas music in the background. I don't think you can beat a game of Latin ladies in little shorts playing a game of soccer. Someone has to bring this to the States and replace the butch WNBA. Come on ESPN...you say you are all about entertainment well then prove it.

Via WithLeather

FIVE MOMENTS THAT WILL DEFINE THE SEC
Tony Barnhart has another good short read on some moments that could define the SEC season. Like it or not SEC fans, but the opening game of Cal vs. Tennessee will define how good or bad the SEC is going to be this season. If Cal comes out and blows away the Hillbillies (in other words the Hippies vs. Hillbillies Bowl)the "pundits" out there will be all over how much improved the PAC-10 is and how the SEC has faltered. I know it's stupid and doesn't really make any sense in the overall schematics of conference power but it will be something the media runs with to create controversy.

And God knows we need more controversy in college football.

As a die hard Orioles fan I don't even know how to react to this royal ass beating handed down by of all teams the Texas Walker Rangers. I guess it is the equivolent of a nine man lineup of Chuck Norris coming at you with furious anger and vengeance for what Erik Bedard did to them the night before (11 Ks) and Johan Santana (17 Ks) did on Sunday. The good news for all Orioles fans is that the ballclub has decided to give coach Dave Trembley an extension through next season before this debacle ever occured. As an Orioles fan we have come to grips with 10 straight years of losing, we call it a disease that no ballclub whether little league or professional ever wants to catch: FUCKING ANGELOS!

RUN OLD MAN, SAVE YOURSELF!

NEW SPORTSCRACK SHIRTS!!
Arkansas, Cal, and Florida fans will have to wait till next week when we reveal some new shirts designed for them exclusively. But this week we have two new shirts.

The first one is called "College Football Saturday The Holy Day". We made it for all the College Football fanatics out there. Nothing is better than Saturdays in the fall and we wanted to have a shirt that anybody who loves the sport like we do could wear.

It comes in three colors: red, navy, and football brown.




And for all the Irish fan's out there, we have just introduced a new "The Four Horsemen 2007" t-shirt in both dark green and navy. If you literally bleed Irish like I do this shirt is a must get. Take a look:



All shirts are $17 with a portion of all sales going to the American Cancer Society. We hope you enjoy our shirts as much as we enjoy making them and wearing them.

Only 7 more days till college football kickoff!

FINALLY SHE POPPED!
Congrats go out to Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan on their baby girl...wait, there's a penis...

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS AND NOTES
-Apparently the Bruins should go by the Bruises with all their injuries this summer. Coach Karl Dorrell has recently had some issues with depth in their offensive backfield due to the injuries and has switched a couple of defensive guys to the running back position to see how they react. As of right now the only two healthy tailbacks are Chris Markey(C0-MVP of team last season) and Kahlil Bell.

Also it appears Sportscrack preseason All-American defensive end Bruce Davis is injured and is not participating in contact drills. If the Bruins want to be serious contenders for the PAC-10...wait a second, this is UCLA. If UCLA wants to win 10 games this season they are going to need to get healthy fast.

-The guys over at Blue-Gray Sky have a really good breakdown on the Notre Dame rushing attack this season. It would appear on paper the Irish have a ton of depth and talent in their backfield this season with "The Four Horsemen" in Armando Allen, James Aldridge, Robert Hughes, and Travis Thomas all possessing the ability to make a splash in South Bend this season. Whether or not they have the right QB to hand it off to them will dictate how well they do this season along with stopping people on defense.

-Eric Zeier has been named as Larry Munson's replacement as color analyst for Georgia's road games. You will never find a guy to replace Munson, who is a legend in college football broadcasting, but it sounds like Zeier could one day replace him. I'm not a Georgia fan but I love Munson because of his enthusiasm, his distinct voice, and calls like this he brings to the great game of college football...


-Oregon State's sensational receiver and punt returner Sammie Stroughter is taking some time off to address personal issues. It's good to see kids like Sammie take things to heart and knows what really is important in their life despite all the recent losses. With that being said I hope he finds himself in sound mind to come back and play this season because he is a very important part of the Beaver offense (leading PAC-10 receiver last season). I would believe the people who are closest to him would want him to get back to what makes him happy: scoring touchdowns against USC!
My obvious reason why Stroughter should come back this season.

-Apparently the Orange Bowl is really old and decaying. The Miami Hurricanes will move to Dolpin Stadium starting in 2008 and leave despite an offer of more than $200 million from city officials to renovate. By renovate they of course mean to throw in all of Michael Irvin's cocaine money he left behind after being drafted by the Cowboys.

SPORTSCRACK NATION THINKS GEORGIA IS THE BEAST OF THE EAST
Not an exact science by any means, but I must say I'm shocked how many people voted for Georgia to win the SEC East. The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party has been dominated by the Gators (15-2 since 1990)and although they have lost their starting QB in Chris Leak and a lot of their defensive starters from their National Championship team they do have Tim Tebow back along with a ton of young talent ready to step up. Of course Georgia could win the SEC East but they do have a ton of question marks including the two true freshmen who will be starting on the offensive line starting September 1st against Oklahoma State.

Here is the voting breakdown:
Florida 5 (20%)
Tennessee 3 (12%)
Georgia 13 (54%)
Kentucky 1 (4%)
South Carolina 2 (8%)


So there you have it Sportscrack nation. Now go ahead and make a vote for who you think will match up with the Bulldogs in the SEC Championship.


P.S.-I still think Florida will win the SEC East.

SI COVER JINX STRIKES AGAIN
Sorry Trojan fans, but it appears the SI cover jinx has already struck your team. Take a close look at the runningback on the far left.

That would be one Emmanuel Moody. He is no longer a Condom after deciding LA, with all it's Hollywood coke whores, wasn't suited for him and is now looking to transfer. Rumors are TCU, Oklahoma State, and Notre Dame are possible destinations for the highly regarded sophomore halfback.

Anyways, I just wanted to point it out to all the Trojan fans. In other words all ten of you and the millions of bandwagon lovers who latched on once they started winning again.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S TOP PLAYMAKERS
This list is according to ESPN's Pat Forde. I think Forde is a really good writer and he is one of the select few on ESPN who I actually respect their opinion on college football(Kirk Herbstreit and Bruce Feldman are the others)but I think he needs to work on his list.


Darren McFadden: An obvious selection. Agree.
Desean Jackson: My favorite for the Heisman. Agree.
Steve Slaton: Can't argue with his stats. Partially agree.
Adarius Bowman: I like Bowman, but I think the Big 12 has guys like DeMarco Murray and Jamaal Charles who will be bigger playmakers this season. At the WR position I think Mario Manningham is more of a playmaker on offense than Bowman.
Derrick Williams: Um...hmm...maybe...no way! Derrick Williams is not even close to being one of the top playmakers in college football.

Here would be my top 5:
1. Desean Jackson: Can score anytime he touches the ball.
2. Darren McFadden: Superstar who will shine in the NFL.
3. Pat White: Darkhorse Heisman contender who will have a great season passing and running.
4. James Laurinaitis: The Buckeye LB creates a ton of turnovers.
5. Mario Manningham: Scares the shit out of me everytime he breaks deep.