Thursday, October 04, 2007

DAMN YOU HAYDEN!

My favorite team: The MooseKnuckles...

SOUTH CAROLINA VS. KENTUCKY FOR SEC EAST TITLE?
I know PAC-10 lovers are looking at this matchup and screaming at their pumpkin spice latte in Starbucks saying "see, see, the PAC-10 is better than the SEC!" Sure brah, hang ten. Anyways, this game of old shitty NFL coaches gone good in the SEC east is much more than SECPoon and Smelley Cocks. It's about a coming out party for QB Andre' Woodson. Not a lot of people west of the Mississippi have seen him play but will be given the chance to watch Erin Andrews sweet...umm, yeah, too many gin and tonics out here right now.

Drunk, ripped, dawn here in Hawaii.

Sorry, I'm rambling like an 18 year old hooker waiting to satisfy her first john. And by hooker I mean Smelley Cock and by john I mean Ole ball coach click-clack. This game will be in front of 90,000 plus screaming, foaming Cock lovers thirsting for blood on a warm October night in a state that prides itself in crescent moons and fake palm trees. All I know is the Cocks are missing their best player in LB Jasper Brinkley. God had different plans for him like the poor black linebacker who blows out his knee in The Program. Come to think of it, this whole Gamecock team is like the fictional team in The Program. Blake Mitchell is the ugly drunk QB who has daddy issues and boinks a hot Buffy the Vampire Slayer before she gets a boob job guy.

Wait, there would be no Lattimore-a steroid popping freak of an athlete rapist who bangs the head coach's daughter.

I know you guys and gals are reading this waiting for a cohesive sentence with some logical meaning. Sorry, I'm in an internet cafe feeling dazed and confused while typing here on this beautiful MAC. My thoughts are Kentucky should for all intended purposes win this game even though they are the 3 and a Noel Devine underdog on the road. The Wildcats have better athletes and more speed and should be able to stretch the field against the Cocks. But of course the Cocks have the home field advantage and Ole Ball Coach.

Fuck, I'm so confused. Not because my liver has gone to hell or because I see a man laughing at me in my computer screen. It's this college football season. How are teams like South Florida and Kentucky undefeated right now and sitting in the top ten? How is my beloved Notre Dame slumped over at 0-5 walking down the corridor to a shiny needle named USC at the end. Wait a second, what the hell am I doing sitting in an internet cafe with a now empty gin and tonic mumbling to the computer screen while the nerd behind me is watching one of the shitty remakes of Star Wars while giggling at the fake cartoon version of Yoda?

The beach awaits, I want to wrestle a shark while I burn and roast to a nice pinkish red similar to Clint Hurdle's face. A few more days out here and I will come back looking like Leatherface Mcgee, known to the common man as the Denver Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan.

Oh yeah, I'm taking Big Woodson over the Smelley Cock.

SOCCER PLAYERS ARE STILL PUSSIES

This is a video from yesterday's UEFA match between AC Milan and Celtic. The goaltender's name is Dida. Nuff said. It's this kind of crybaby shit that turns off red blooded, run till you blow out both knees Americans from the "world's game." I will be the first to admit I actually enjoy watching UEFA games on ESPN2, but any time I see a guy take a dive it just makes me turn the channel.

And no, that isn't Mike Tyson running on the field and giving him a love tap.

Hat tip to Deadspin.