Wednesday, March 26, 2008

OH MY GOD, TIGER WOODS CURSES?


I do find it pretty ironic ESPN decided to let Dana "Fuck Notre Dame" Jacobson question the great Tiger Woods about using profanity in the heat of the battle. Wait a second, heat of what battle? This is fucking golf people. You know how hard it is to hit a little white ball straight while people are making noise around you. Thankfully football, baseball, basketball, hockey, and soccer players don't have to deal with such unruly and disgusting behavior such as someone trying to take their picture while they perform. I feel so bad for Tiger Woods having to deal with camera clicks on his downswing, how could one not go in a profanity laced tirade?

This non-story actually brings me back to a time when I attended the PGA Championship with my buddy Chuck back in 2001. Chuck and I are huge hackers and boozers out on the golf course and we have been known to use some profanity and even throw some golf clubs because the sport can be so frustrating at times because we suck so bad. Anyways, a year earlier we saw Tiger lose it on TV as he started shouting at the cameramen "WATCH THE CAMERA GUYS" in his best Dave Chappelle white guy voice. So of course after drinking a few cold ones we thought it would be hilarious if we started yelling at Tiger "HEY TIGER, WATCH THE CAMERAS!" Yes, it was juvenile as shit but funny none the less. You could see Tiger was just seething at us as he stared us down and it actually fucked up his whole game that weekend. He finished 29th. It was great.

The moral of the story: Not sure, but Tiger doesn't like to be fucked with while playing a game he dominates. And he sure as hell doesn't like to be asked stupid questions from a donkey with a microphone who herself likes to curse uncontrollably once she gets a little Vodka in her system.

Dear God, not in his swing people! Have you no mercy or dignity!

CHRIS WEBBER RETIRES


The most talented member of the original Fab Five at Michigan, I honestly had no idea Chris Webber was still playing basketball or even dated Tyra Banks. Webber's career is kind of undefinable. He was never a huge superstar partially because he played the majority of his career in Sacramento and also because he could never stay healthy. The most games he ever played in one season was actually his rookie season with 76. He will always be remembered for the ill timed timeout in the 1993 NCAA Championship game against North Carolina which prevented him and his talented yet eventually heavily sanctioned class from winning a title. For the most part of his career he averaged over 20 points and 10 rebounds a game yet his name doesn't come up when you think of top power forwards of all-time in the NBA. C-Webb, in my best non-gay description, I know it's difficult, was a good looking cat who probably scored tons of tail so none of us should feel sorry for him since he never played for a NBA Title or likely won't make the Hall of Fame. Playing basketball is about making money and scoring ass and we all know C-Webb scored a lot doing both.

So good-bye C-Webb, blow Tyra for me. Oh shit, I meant blow her a kiss or do a line off her ass, whatever shakes your boat.

KAZ MATSUI HAS SURGERY TO REPAIR ANAL FISSURE


Talk about one of the shittiest ways to go on the disabled list, Houston Astros newly acquired 2B Kaz Matsui could miss up to four weeks to recover from surgery to repair anal fissure the club announced today. Frankly I had never even heard of the phrase "anal fissure" and hopefully none of us will ever be diagnosed with it after reading about it on Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia here are some of what might be the causes to Matsui's sphincter pain...

Most anal fissures are caused by stretching of the anal mucosa beyond its capability. Many acute anal fissures will heal spontaneously. Some fissures become chronic and will not heal. The most common cause for this is spasm of the internal anal sphincter muscle. This spasm causes poor blood flow to the anal mucosa, hence producing an ulcer which does not heal since it is deprived of normal blood supply.

I guess it's a good thing Matsui isn't a close friend of Alex Rodriguez or a Turkish oil wrestler or he would be so fucked. Matsui isn't expected to be back till mid April
in case you were wondering.

CORY LIDLE BACK FROM THE GRAVE?


Scott's Shots uncovered this interesting transaction blurb courtesy of ESPN.com on March 24, 2008. Apparently Lidle never passed away in that horrible plane crash in New York City nearly two years ago as we were to believe. Obviously the WWL fucked up on this one and meant no harm or embarrassment to the Lidle family. Obviously the only person who has come back from the dead is Amy Winehouse(hmmm...back in rehab...shocker there).

HEATHER MILLS IS A CRAZY BITCH


You know this has nothing to do with sports but I just wanted everybody to know how much of a skank, psycho bitch former Mrs. Paul McCartney known today as Heather Mills is even after being awarded over $47 fucking million last week for being married to the famous Beetle for just over 4 years. She wants more, a lot more money according to Telegraph...

Heather Mills has hired a new team of forensic accountants to try to prove that ex-husband Paul McCartney is worth double the £400 million he claimed in their divorce struggle, according to friends of the former model.

The Daily Mail reports that Miss Mills has told friends she cannot support daughter Beatrice on the £35,000 a year awarded at the High Court, and is hoping to force Sir Paul to increase the payments.

Speaking outside the court immediately after the settlement, Miss Mills told reporters: "He's been worth £800million for the last 15 years."

She has also claimed to have recordings of McCartney saying he is worth £800million.

The 2007 Sunday Times Rich List estimated McCartney's wealth at £825million, including £400million held by his media company MPL Communications, and £138m inherited from his first wife, Linda.

Miss Mills had hired accountancy firm Lee and Allen in an attempt to discredit Sir Paul's own valuation of his wealth.


So in other words Mills is not satisfied with an insane child support number of 35,000 pounds a year which equates to nearly $70,000 in American dollars to raise a child. You have to be fucking kidding me. What is she going to be feeding the kid everyday, filet mignon and lobster? Maybe endangered whale blubber? I get it that she was married for 4 years to one of the wealthiest men in the world but she honestly doesn't deserve shit. She preyed on Paul with her prosthetic leg, her fake blonde hair and her shitty British accent. She makes a lot of the good and honest women out there look bad by her actions. I wish the court system would look at cases like the McCartney-Mills divorce and see how unnecessarily greedy a person like Mills is and award her with a check for $2 and the child's sole parental custody to Sir Paul.

Why $2? So she can get some bus fare because a person of her self worth isn't worthy of even a taxi cab in my opinion.

Mills and A-Rod would be perfect for each other.