AUSTRALIAN WOMEN'S FINAL SPANKING..UM OPEN SET

So there is a reason why God invented tennis after all! The Australian Open Women's final will match the two sexiest women on the tour with Ana Ivanovic squaring off against Maria Sharapova.

Some of you, oh hell, probably all of you don't know that I have actually met both in person before. No, not between the sheets only because I don't date tall women. I actually work tennis tournaments selling the official merchandise when I'm not blogging(I know tennis is gay, trust me I know this already) but one of the perks of being one of the official sponsors is getting to go to the Player parties. Free booze and food with a bunch of foreigners is basically what it is like. Trust me I'm not complaining. Anyways I got to meet Maria Sharapova a few years back in San Diego while me and a buddy were setting up shop for one of the upcoming tournaments. First thing you notice is she is a very good looking person with a very athletic and tone body obviously. The second thing you notice is how freaking tall she is. I'm talking Rebecca Lobo tall. But the third thing you notice and I'm sure it probably doesn't matter to a lot of men out there but it sure as hell bothered me...she has horrible B O. It's like a mixture of dead fish and Clorox. Withstanding the smell I got a picture with her and chatted shortly and she seemed like a real nice girl with horrific body odor. So I wondered if I caught her on a bad day. We all have those days when we smell like a hobo covered in whiskey. I call it confession while some others may call it being hungover. But getting on with it I somehow forgot about the B O until I was working a tournament down in Delray Beach, FL. I started talking with one of the linesman who I run into all the time at these events and he mentioned how Sharapova's nickname on the Tour is "Stinky." He tells me that the chair umpire can smell her disgusting funk while she is sitting during change overs. I'm not bullshitting either. He tells me all the linesmen, women included, can not stand to be around here because her smell brings back memories of salt n vinegar chips. So basically I can't even imagine what kind of stink is down you know where.

So in the one corner you have the hot "Stinky" and in the other corner you have Ivanovic. I have no good stories about Ivanovic other than she blows, I say this with as strong of conviction as possible, better yet destroys Sharapova in the looks and smell department. Maria smells like a cumdumpster but Ana smells like an angel. There really is no comparison. It's like trying to compare Joe Montana to Dan Marino. Sure they are both extremely talented Hall of Fame QB's but Montana always had that "It." Ivanovic has "It" in all the good ways. Everything from the naked eye is good from head to toe on Ivanovic.

But yeah, Sharapova's stinks. So tell me now, after hearing of Maria's funky smell, who you rooting for in the Australian Open?

Exactly.

CONTINUED GOOD SEX TO YOU TOO!

I have no idea who the coach is or the announcer but it makes for great television when somebody screws up like this. The last thing I have on my mind after watching 7 foot dudes play basketball is sex. That and the Ellen Degeneris show totally ruin it for me.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

ADDING SOME CRACK TO SPORTS

I'm sorry if you have a weak stomach and I know it's still a little early to see kids cracking bones but I have earned the right to post this video. Considering I have two rods and 21 screws in my left leg from a football injury more than two years ago gives me the right to post card. I feel bad for the kid of course. Hopefully he doesn't take a long time to recover from it like Alabama WR Tyrone Prothro. Okay, with that being said I'm going to go throw up now.

USC LANDS 2009 #1 RECRUIT MATT BARKLEY

USC continued their west coast stranglehold on football recruiting yesterday by securing the commitment of the #1 player in the 2009 class in Matt Barkley. Barkley is a 6'3 quarterback out of Mater Dei High School in Santa Ana, CA who has long been rumored as a USC lean. Only a junior in high school, Barkley is considered more advanced at his stage than past Mater Dei graduates in Matt Leinart and Colt Brennan. By advanced I mean he can throw a mean spiral while jerking off 7 times a day. Those were the days!

Barkley will join a crowded USC QB rotation in 2009 with Mark Sanchez(will be a redshirt senior), Mitch Mustain(redshirt junior), and Aaron Corp(redshirt sophomore) all with good chances of coming back. Even with the addition of quarterback guru and new offensive coordinator Norm Chow to UCLA it did not even come close to fazing Barkley's decision:

"With all the success USC has to offer, I feel it's the best opportunity to grow as a quarterback," Barkley said. "The competition is like none other. I've always loved USC and I wanted to get the burden of the recruiting process over before I start back with Mater Dei football."

So USC has already started recruiting and landing premier commitments before the 2008 class has enough time to let the ink dry on their enrollment papers. Barkley is now their 6th pledge(all from California) in the 2009 class with 5 of them being rated at least 4 stars according to Rivals. In other words the recruits are not worried about possible sanctions coming down on Southern Cal anytime soon. Their reason is simple: The NCAA's vagina is too puckered and wet with money rolling in to even consider disciplining a school like USC who allows a student-athlete to receive $300,000 worth of benefits while enrolled.

In essence, USC has made the NCAA their bitch because they bring in the most money out West. Good for them but bad for all the little schools out there trying to compete.