SportsCrack Blog

Thursday, January 24, 2008


So there is a reason why God invented tennis after all! The Australian Open Women's final will match the two sexiest women on the tour with Ana Ivanovic squaring off against Maria Sharapova.

Some of you, oh hell, probably all of you don't know that I have actually met both in person before. No, not between the sheets only because I don't date tall women. I actually work tennis tournaments selling the official merchandise when I'm not blogging(I know tennis is gay, trust me I know this already) but one of the perks of being one of the official sponsors is getting to go to the Player parties. Free booze and food with a bunch of foreigners is basically what it is like. Trust me I'm not complaining. Anyways I got to meet Maria Sharapova a few years back in San Diego while me and a buddy were setting up shop for one of the upcoming tournaments. First thing you notice is she is a very good looking person with a very athletic and tone body obviously. The second thing you notice is how freaking tall she is. I'm talking Rebecca Lobo tall. But the third thing you notice and I'm sure it probably doesn't matter to a lot of men out there but it sure as hell bothered me...she has horrible B O. It's like a mixture of dead fish and Clorox. Withstanding the smell I got a picture with her and chatted shortly and she seemed like a real nice girl with horrific body odor. So I wondered if I caught her on a bad day. We all have those days when we smell like a hobo covered in whiskey. I call it confession while some others may call it being hungover. But getting on with it I somehow forgot about the B O until I was working a tournament down in Delray Beach, FL. I started talking with one of the linesman who I run into all the time at these events and he mentioned how Sharapova's nickname on the Tour is "Stinky." He tells me that the chair umpire can smell her disgusting funk while she is sitting during change overs. I'm not bullshitting either. He tells me all the linesmen, women included, can not stand to be around here because her smell brings back memories of salt n vinegar chips. So basically I can't even imagine what kind of stink is down you know where.

So in the one corner you have the hot "Stinky" and in the other corner you have Ivanovic. I have no good stories about Ivanovic other than she blows, I say this with as strong of conviction as possible, better yet destroys Sharapova in the looks and smell department. Maria smells like a cumdumpster but Ana smells like an angel. There really is no comparison. It's like trying to compare Joe Montana to Dan Marino. Sure they are both extremely talented Hall of Fame QB's but Montana always had that "It." Ivanovic has "It" in all the good ways. Everything from the naked eye is good from head to toe on Ivanovic.

But yeah, Sharapova's stinks. So tell me now, after hearing of Maria's funky smell, who you rooting for in the Australian Open?


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