WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
Joke HT: Kevin
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
The Sweatervest is giving Mack Brown the stiff Buckeye as he loses yet another BCS game. This makes it 6 straight BCS bowl losses for the Big Ten conference. Yeah, they suck.
Even Big Ten commissioner Jim Delaney admits the Big Ten is just not good after watching the Rose Bowl:
You look at it and ask: Did the players play hard, and were they prepared?" Delany asked. "Yes and yes. You know what? SC's a better football team. In all of the [bowl] games I've watched, I'm seeing us get beat by better teams.
"Then you say: Why is that? I don't have a great answer other than to say that these things tend to be cyclical."
No quotes were necessary after last night's Fiesta Bowl(DVD available here). The Big Ten still sucks.
Image HT: Deadspin
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 10:26 AM
With the exception of the Spankees dishing out over $400 million for 3 players the MLB Hot Stove has been luke warm so far. That is until yesterday.
The Tampa Bay Rays got great value for free agent left fielder and now full-time DH Pat Burrell by signing him to a two year, $16 million contract. Burrell is an excellent fit in the Rays lineup and while he may not be the hitter that say a Mark Teixeira is you can not argue at $8 mil a season he is an incredible value signing and can put up similar numbers while being paid about $15 million less a season than that mercenary douche bag up in New York. Burrell has averaged over 30 home runs and 100 RBI's in his career and he should be able to drive in a ton of runs with upcoming superstars Evan Longoria and B.J. Upton due for breakout seasons and Carl Crawford and Carlos Pena being rock solid in a lineup that will now rival anybody in the American League. A lot of people want to assert that the Rays will be one year wonders with the mighty Red Sox and Yankees restoring hierarchy order this season but they are dead wrong. With the signing of Burrell to compliment the offense and the Rays already possessing a starting pitching rotation that is the deepest and most talented in the majors they should be the favorite to win the AL East in my opinion.
On the opposite side of a great value for a free agent signing is the apparent 3 year, $30 million dollar contract the Chicago Cubs dished out to get the walking nutcase that is Milton Bradley. I will agree that Bradley is a good player when he plays but the guy can't stay healthy and even gets injured when he is arguing with umpires. He clearly has anger management issues and I can only imagine how he will react when he gets taunted by the drunks in Wrigley. Actually, now that I think about it this could be the most entertaining story of the offseason. Bradley doesn't take criticism well and I can already see him exploding on Lou Piniella when sweet Lou so as much whispers to the media that he is disappointed in Bradley not giving a 100%. The Cubs are clearly the most talented team in the NL Central and should be the favorite to win the division this year but I think Bradley is going to be nothing but a distraction. If he can keep his mouth shut and stay healthy then it's a great signing but his history points to the opposite. Have fun Cubs fans.
The A's are reportedly close to bringing back Jason Giambi on a one year contract for just a little over $5 million. Giambi is old (37) but is still capable of hitting 25 plus home runs even off the juice and can drive in runs and get on base plenty of times with walks. The addition of Matt Holiday and Giambi this offseason adds a ton of punch to the middle of a rather pedestrian A's lineup. This signing won't make them the favorite to win the AL West but it does get them closer to the Angels and with some additional signings and/or trades they could overtake them this season.
The dominos should start to fall in place for other free agents like Adam Dunn, Garrett Anderson, Rocco Baldelli, Bobby Abreu, Manny Ramirez, Ben Sheets, Derek Lowe and others. We still have another 6 weeks till pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training but the players and agents for that matter should be getting antsy to get something done. With every day passed the market and value in a potential contract goes down.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 9:35 AM
Okay, I am not a big fan of copying and pasting from a website, but I'm going to have to do it this morning. I used to work for TNT many moons ago, and Sir Charles didn't disappoint on the set or during the breaks. The guy is a giant beast of a firecracker, and is a super friendly guy. I thought this story was great! It just goes to show you that a man will do just about anything to get some good head!
The following was taken from-
"DECEMBER 31--Following his arrest earlier today for drunk driving, Charles Barkley told Arizona cops that he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up a girl who had "given him a 'blow job' one week earlier," which the former NBA star described as "the best one he had ever had in his life." According to a Gilbert Police Department report, a copy of which you'll find here, police asked Barkley where he was going at the time of the 1:26 AM traffic stop in Scottsdale. "You want the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job," answered Barkley, who is pictured in the below mug shot. A cooperative Barkley also joked with a civilian police employee that, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass" if it would get him out of the DUI charge. Barkley, 45, was busted after failing field sobriety tests, and had blood drawn so investigators could establish his alcohol content. Barkley was cited for a misdemeanor charge and released at the scene, thus avoiding a trip to the Maricopa County jail. Barkley, now a basketball commentator on TNT, was elected to the NBA Hall of Fame in 2006. His 16-year career included an MVP award and a spot on the 1992 U.S. Olympic basketball squad, the so-called Dream Team that captured the gold medal. He has several prior arrests, including a 1997 aggravated battery bust and a 1991 assault collar."
Posted by Cheese-Whistle Mcstink at 9:03 AM