Friday, January 25, 2008

THE GREATEST TOMLINSON MCFARLANE FIGURINE YET

I know figurines are for children but this LT one hits home for me. Last week I could not believe what my eyes were seeing with LT just sitting on the bench and not trying to play in the biggest game of his career against the hated New England Patriots. Some people say he was seriously hurt and would just be hindering the Chargers if he decided to play. I say he is a gigantic pussy afraid of failure and will never be a Hall of Fame player in my book. When is the last time LT put a team on his shoulders and carried the Chargers to a win? I'm talking a meaningful win. Never.

Anyways you can contribute to the LT Swollen Vagina Fund by buying one at this link.

Hurry, only 2 left!

BEER OF THE WEEK

Since I love to drink and try new beers almost as much as Van Gorder loves to change jobs I figured I would do a new feature of the week for Sportscrack fans. Last night while eating at Taco Mac I tried a new beer called Rogue Juniper Pale Ale. On a scale of 1-10 I would highly recommend trying it, giving it a 8.5. If you live in the Atlanta area I recommend going to Taco Mac and trying it. Currently it is their beer of the month and if you happen to hit it up on a Thursday you get a free pint glass with purchase. Just to let you know how my beer scale works I consider the best beer to be NewCastle Brown Ale. I could live off NewCastle and I'm hoping someday they come out with the mini draught keg like Heineken currently stocks. I would literally buy at least ten of those little fuckers and store them for future late night shenanigans. The worst beer is tough because frankly I have had so many. Busch Light is liquid diarhea in my opinion. Seriously, I used to drink 30 packs of that stuff in college and would have the squirts for days. What a second, the absolute worst beer is Milwaukee's Best Ice. "The Beast" as they call it is an instant hangover. So I will say "The Beast" is a 1 whereas NewCastle is the bomb at a 10.

Anyways, Rogue Juniper Pale Ale goes down very smooth and is not overly bitter. A golden ale color tint and the sweet taste of this fine nectar will leave you thirsting for more. I had two but I could of drank 12 easily if my parole officer wasn't such a dickhead. It's brewed in Oregon by the way and the original name used to be called Yellow Snow. Trust me it doesn't taste like dog piss. Unless dog pee tastes like this Rogue then I'm going to have to bottle Soco and Bailey's(my two labs) hoppy piss and start a new business. So go get you want this weekend and tell me what you think. Also feel free to leave any comments about beers you recommend below in the comments section.

Have a great weekend and please take a load off and grab a beer or 40 and cheer life for it is so sweet! And if your significant other starts giving you shit about farting and burping while you drink tell her it's just natural...

HOLY EFFING COCK AND BALLS


I just got the best present a man could get other being born with an enormous floppy. I'm talking NHL All-Star game tickets mofo!!! And not just any tickets, I'm going to get to sit in a suite with free booze and food. Fear and Loathing among the greatest toothless skilled hockey players in the world. All thanks to my wonderful fiance.

I'm bouncing off the fucking walls right now. I can't wait to see Ilya Kovalchuk and Alexander Ovechkin tear it up on the same line and see them rip some shots in the skill competition. And in case you were wondering hockey is still an official sport with actual players who get paid millions of dollars to beat the shit out of each other on a thin sheet of ice. Plus you don't have to feel sorry for anybody getting hurt because most of them are Canadian. Those beady little eyes with their hockey sticks...

BRIAN VAN GORDER NAMED REALTOR OF THE YEAR


The man of a thousand coaching jobs the past 5 years, none other than the stache himself, new Atlanta Falcons defensive coordinator Brian Van Gorder has been named Realtor of the Year according to Gata.com. Not only has Van Gorder managed to change jobs more often than Lindsay Lohan blows guys for movie roles, but he has also distinguished himself as a real estate agent's wet dream the past 5 years. Since 2002 Van Gorder has moved from Athens as the defensive coordinator for the Bulldogs to Jacksonville for a NFL defensive assistant coaching job. Of course Jacksonville bored the shit out of him so he moved onto Statesboro to be the head football coach at Georgia Southern. After a successful run of nearly destroying a great football program in Statesboro he moved back to the NFL to take an assistant job working with the Atlanta Falcons. But Van Gorder decided he just wasn't cut out to be a linebacker's coach for the Falcons after "only one season(due in large part with sharing the same values of Bobby Petrino) and accepted a position in Columbia, SC to be the new DC for the Gamecocks. After accepting the job and moving his family to Columbia Van Gorder decided college life was the place he wanted to stay for good:

A month ago, VanGorder declared to the Journal-Constitution: "I'm a college guy." When asked if he was sure, he replied, "I've declared. I'm committed."

"I'll enjoy all the things about college football that I always have and I won't look back at the NFL," VanGorder said in December.

"That's something I've put behind. I'm ready to finish my career as a college football coach."


But it doesn't end there for the Realtor of the Year as today Van Gorder decided to come back to Atlanta and be the defensive coordinator for the Falcons after only three weeks on the job in Columbia. But wait a second, "I thought the stache decided the college game was his cup of tea," you ask?

Apparently not. I guess Arthur Blank got his wish in Van Gorder who seems to be a lot more stable than Petrino when it comes to switching jobs. So here is to you Van Gorder as the Realtor of the Year. You alone have kept real estate in the South booming despite all the foreclosures. May your stint be shorter than a Mexican hooker!

Link HT: Gata.com

CLEMSON ADDS TWO BIG RECRUITS

The Tigers apparently can smell blood when it comes to ACC recruiting. Already possessing a top 10 class, Tommy Bowden bolstered a strong group securing commitments from OL Kenneth Page and DT Brandon Thompson. Both are considered top 10 players at their position.

Page is a highly regarded offensive guard prospect from in state and picked the Tigers over Notre Dame, Tennessee, and North Carolina.

"I can't say they were the leaders all along. But in the end, they pulled it out. I see Clemson doing great things."

Reportedly Page's final decision came between Clemson and Notre Dame but staying near home is always a major factor to a recruit's decision along with Clemson being a favorite to win the ACC Championship next season.

Thompson is a beast on the defensive line and delivers good "pop" when coming out of a 3 point stance. Very athletic for his size(6'2, 292 lbs.), Thompson was heavily recruited by all the major programs including LSU, Georgia, and Ohio State. Out of Thomasville, GA, pulling a high end talent like Thompson out of state is a major coup for Bowden and his coaching staff. Pairing up Thompson with early enrollment DE DaQuan Bowers, the #1 rated defensive player in the country according to Rivals.com, on the defensive line could be a potentially hazardous if not deadly force to hit the college football landscape in a long time.

With 22 commitments and 6 already enrolled, Clemson has secured at least a top 15 but could move up to the 7 or 8 mark if they continue to finish strong and sign all their current commits.

DANA JACOBSON KNOCKING DOWN SOME BELVEDERE VODKA

Now that is all class right there. I've heard once you start taking shots of Vodka your balls will drop. I think we can all safely say Jacobson's manbags fell a long time ago.

Picture HT: Deadspin via Baseball Musings

UPDATE: Jacobson never said "F@#* Jesus" according to the Press of Atlantic City article published today. So she only hates Notre Dame and not the Lord himself. Oh yeah, she also is one of Hartford's most eligible bachelors. If you are looking for a lady with an adam's apple as big as her balls well then you found the right person.
Link HT: The Big Lead