HEISMAN TOP 5
First off I want to say making this list left me more conflicted than a whore at a Eagle Scout meeting. I mean, how can you pick one winner when really all of them have at least some resemblance of greatness in them? So with that I proudly crack open...a beer! Remember people, beer is food in liquid God-like form. Sweet nectar of life. Beer will solve all of your problems I remind myself. Oh fuck, I'm talking to myself again. At least someone will talk to me. Thank you Mr. Bud Light. You are so funny and you get all of my jokes unlike those stuffy judges and cops who always want to push their "rules and regulations" on you. You wanna make love?

Okay, enough of the shenanigans or this list will take me 20 more hours/beers and 50 more pit stops at the urinal before I pass out and forget that every black running back in college loves to eat crab legs. I'm serious and I honestly don't get it. Is it some kind of inside joke? Is it code for Red Snapper for white males? Last week I was watching West Virginia play and the device with flickering lights told me that Pat White and Steve Slaton both love to eat crab legs. Excuse me, in fucking West Virginia! Your lucky if you can find something besides a Butt King or a CrackDonalds to wet your appetite. And now this week I learned PJ Hill's favorite food is crab legs. I would have taken him seriously if he said crabs dipped in cheese dip but he didn't. Nobody in Wisconsin eats seafood. They eat brats with cheese and beer and generally die before the age of 60. It is what Wisconsin does. I only know this from watching "That 70's Show."

Okay, seriously, here is the list:

1. John David Booty
2. Troy Smith
3. USC's defense
4. Overrated QB for #1 team
5. Jimmy Clausen

Enough of the sarcasm, the Heisman is serious business, or as Lou Holtz would call it blithfuss.

1. Arkansas runningback-I can't give it to just one guy. Felix Jones is averaging over 10 yards a carry! For the season!!! Can I put some more asterisks in there for dramatic effect? I'm getting more excited than Tim Kurkjian looking at a box score. D-Mac and Jones are both tearing it up and I can't honestly say one is better than the other right now. I mean I think I know D-Mac is the more dynamic player but Jones has been a stud all season and can return kicks with the best of them. We have had co-MVPS in other sports, why not the Heisman?

2. Tim Tebow-He almost beat LSU by himself. Going into the game I thought there was no way he could survive running into their stout defense play after play. Well, he did it and nearly won the game for them. One has to wonder if Urban Meyer is thinking about putting Tebow at LB. In fact, if Tebow was playing linebacker too he would have stopped Lester at the goal line. And no, I don't care if Florida has two losses. It wasn't Tebow's fault and I don't believe in punishing candidates only because their team loses.

3. Chase Daniel-Mizzou is 5-0 thanks to Chase and his ability to hit receivers in stride and also tuck the ball and get an important first down. With this being said I could see Oklahoma tearing up Mizzou this week and making this pick a one week honor.

4. Andre Woodson-I know he had a bad game on national television against South Carolina but I still believe he is the best drop back QB in the nation. If he can somehow lead the Wildcats to an upset over LSU then he could become the leading candidate. I know, there is no way LSU can lose...right? I mean just because USC lost to Stanford doesn't mean every team will lose to shitty inferior competition.

5. Mike Hart-It was between Hart and Mendenhall. You really can't go wrong with either. Hart has carried the Wolverines and in a way so has Mendenhall. But I guess with Hart you know he is going to put a team on his shoulders and lead them to victory. Sounds like a Heisman contender to me.

Just missed the cut: Matt Ryan, Desean Jackson, Sam Bradford, Pat White

Coming soon, I swear you filthy addicts:
1) New top 10 poll(FUSC)
2) Midseason All-American team(interesting decision for RB)
3) New Heisman top 5 (I so wanted to put Booty in there because he plays for USC and he must be good right, right?)
4) Baseball playoff talk (Oh fuck me, the Red Sox and the Yankees are still in this damn thing, no wonder I haven't been watching)
5) Random jokes
6) NHL Preview (I think the season starts in a few days, I better start previewing, Go Thrashers!)
7) Family Guy references....

THIS IS WHY NOBODY WATCHES VERSUS

Umm, "touchdown USC" is not quite the appropriate call there when Stanford just scored the tying touchdown. And then the other announcer fucks up saying "Jim Harbaugh is going to go for the tie right here" when in fact they just scored a touchdown all they have to do is kick the extra point to win it.

Now I know watching USC lose to Stanford is shocking in its own right, but come on man. This could have been your signature call for an all-time moment yet you screwed it up worse than Britney Spears at the VMA's. If the Brit is doing better than you right now then you know you have problems.

But if your Versus at least you have the NHL to fail back on (crickets chirping in the background)....oh well, USC lost, so thank you Versus for at the very least televising a great moment in sports history with maybe two of the biggest blunders in broadcasting.

Don't think I won't forget about those outrageous, no, no....