Thursday, February 23, 2012

Shit Baseball Players Say

Not bad. I would like to add:

-It's so fucking hot out here.
-Catch the fucking ball.
-Don't be an asshole, run that shit out.
-Pick it bitch.
-My balls are swollen.
-I can hit this fucker.
-Don't worry they got a bunch of black players on their team.
-Kid has a cannon.
-Turn it.
-Move up in the box.
-Holy shit this guy throws slower than Jaime Moyer.
-Back in the day I used to play with ____.

Feel free to add your own in the comment section.

Tampa Slugger Evan Longoria Is Hitting Clean Up With Playboy Playmate Jaime Edmondson

I know it's gotta suck to be Tampa Bay Rays 3B Evan Longoria. Not only does Evan have to play baseball for money and suffer the humiliation of getting paid millions but now he has to deal with dating a charity case like Playboy Playmate Jaime Edmondson. I mean look at her! All busted up. Poor guy. You know it's not just the millions of American families out there suffering because the middle class keeps shrinking it's the ball players who have to face the adoring attention of having to stuff a Playboy bunny every other night. I feel bad for Longoria. I hope he can get through this tough time.

I'm praying for young Longoria.

Anywho back to pictures of his road beef...

Lighting Farts With David Alan Grier

Maybe it's because I have the mind of a 12 year old but farts are never not funny. The fact that David Alan Grier made a music video about lighting farts is gold in my book. I've got charred crack hair for memories of a childhood lost but never forgotten. Thanks David for the laughs.

Kate Upton Completely Nude

Granted you really can't see shit, well at least the important parts, of Kate Upton here in the magazine Muse (some fashion magazine bullshit) but that isn't going to stop me from posting it. It's my duty to get this young 19 year old that nobody has ever heard of some attention she deserves. I'm all about charity here folks. The charity of KAPOOW!



K-Swiss Blades By Kenny Powers

There are 3 things that an athlete needs to succeed: talent, strippers, and speed. Put all 3 of those together and you got Blades. A fucking crazy looking K-Swiss shoe that gives Patrick Willis the power to tackle wildebeests. That shit is real. And if people were wondering who would replace the late great Steve Jobs in terms of creativity and vision I think we all know who the answer is: Kenny Mother Fucking Powers.

Now go buy some Blades. And while you are at it go buy some SportsCrack shit. Don't be a dick. Do it. You know you want to.

Blake Griffin Dunks Over Multiple Nuggets

Great dunk and all Blake Griffin but I'm still pissed you couldn't cover the 9 vs the Nuggets last night. Sure you won by 8 but that doesn't do shit for me bro. You got to cover the spread before I start calling you a superstar. Yes the dunks are nice and you get hacked more often than Shaq did in his prime but if you want to be up there with the true legends you have to cover spreads for ole Fairchild. Jeremy Lin and the Knicks easily covered the 7 vs the Hawks last night. Mike Brey and his overachieving drunk leprechauns easily covered the 3 vs West Virginia last night too. If you want me to put you up on a pedestal like Brey and Lin then you gotta cover. Don't be a selfish asshole. Do it for me. Actually more importantly do it for my daughter. It's your fault I have to recycle diapers.



Jeremy Lin - Superior Lintellect Video

Is it bad that I raughed the whole time watching this Honey Badger-esque "Lintellect" video? Yeah I get it. I'm feeding into stereotypes about Asians being really good in arithmetic. We all know that's not wight.

Now go buy this Linsanity shirt!