Tuesday, May 20, 2008

MATT RYAN SIGNS HUGE DEAL WITH FALCONS

Well, it's now official. Matt Ryan is one of the highest paid NFL Quarterbacks in the game now after agreeing to a six year, $72 million contract that includes $34.75 million in guarantees. And by guarantees, I mean shit like this happening at the Georgia Dome for the next 5 years till he is released...

A lot of quarterbacks throw 19 interceptions their senior season and then get rewarded with a huge signing bonus by a team which has no clue how to compete in the NFL. Actually, no, Matt Ryan is the only one. Good luck dealing with the pressure and make sure you keep your food down...

Yeah, what a winner in the Cade McNown way.

RUNNING OF THE TOILETS AT PREAKNESS


The last time I attended Preakness was in 2001 and I can honestly say I don't remember this ritual of running on top of the shitters. More than likely I was way too drunk to remember a lot of shit happening in the infield but I can remember seeing a guy break his nose by receiving a punch from a topless lady. It was one of the most remarkable things I have ever witnessed. Jon Lester couldn't hold a candle to this broad who with one punch and two big boobs made a lasting impression that will surely go on my gravestone.

Preakness isn't just a horse race people. It's a rite of passage. And some people, like the idiot above who surely broke his neck in the fall must die so we can live another day and give us mere mortals more water cooler talk. He did not die in vain or stupidity because he will now live in eternity with this video. God bless all the drunk idiots.

CALIFORNIA GAY MARRIAGE PSA


Yes, Thank You Cali-for-nia. Now I know Ellen can live happily ever after without losing constant hours of sleep. And it's great to know gays will now have to take off their rings for the fuckfest.

CANCER BOY THROWS NO-HITTER


Okay, maybe calling Jon Lester a cancer boy is a little harsh considering he is fully recovered from lymphoma. But what he did last night against the Kansas City Royals, who at last time I checked are an average team unlike the shitty Tigers, was remarkable even if he pitches for that Masshole team up there in Chowderland. Lester, fully recovered after chemotherapy cured him less than two years ago, pitched the majors first no-hitter of the season last night while striking out Alberto Callaspo to end the game for the second consecutive Red Sux no-hitter(Clay Buchholz pitched one late last season against some team, I don't know I can't really remember). Amazingly this is only the second time ever the Royals have been held hitless, with Nolan Ryan doing the honors all the way back in 1973.

But the real story is about Lester and how he can inspire all those little bandwagon Red Sox fans out there to go get cancer by smoking two packs a day and then kick it in the ass by throwing 96 MPH fastballs past major league hitters. Shit, if Lester can do it why can't Ricky, Bobby, Mikey, Joey, and Willy from Rhode Island go out there and do the same thing. Lester had this to say about coming back...

"It was a long road back," Lester said. "It was tough mentally and tough physically to go out and pitch every five days. It was a long road. I'm just glad that I'm here at this moment right now, and in five days I'll go and pitch again."


I know it's the Red Sox and all but I love stories like this. So many of us have been affected by cancer it is nearly impossible not to root for a guy like Lester. I tip my hat to him and say congratulations. Now go blow out that arm of yours to make the Red Sox regret not trading you for Johan Santana.

By the way, how about Jason Varitek catching his 4th no-hitter? I'm sure Mariner fans still love the fact they traded Tek for Heathcliff Slocumb.

Here is the final out along with a great F bomb thrown in there by one of his teammates. Yes, no-hitters are unfucking believable....
Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

CHARLES BARKLEY THE GAMBLER


I don't consider it a gambling problem till you start blowing random Asians in bathroom stalls. And no, I haven't seen or done anything like that...this year.

Good morning everybody. I hope all of you took my advice yesterday and took the Spurs with the 4 plus points as a road dog. The Spurs now move on to face the Lakers and Kobe which should become another 7 game series which should keep execs at TNT happy. Sticking to my guns I'm taking the Spurs over the Lakers even though I'm concerned by Timmy Duncan's play. Duncan looked like garbage last night and yet they still won by a comfortable margin against a really good Hornets squad. It just shows you how good the Spurs really are.

The Eastern Conference Finals, or rights to lose in the NBA Finals, matches the Celtics and Pistons. You know most of the free world wants the Lakers vs. Celtics in the Finals because they are the two most storied franchises in the game but I think it will be the Spurs vs. Pistons in what should be a boring ass Finals.