New Denver Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels was pictured holding a Jay Cutler jersey with the look of "see fuckface, we really want you in the Mile High City!" The jersey is a 1960 throwback one in case you were wondering. The NFL and their marketing.
What we don't see or smell in this picture is the raw ether soaked in the jersey.
McDaniels: Come here Jay, Jay, I won't hurt you, you can be our starter for as long as you want!
Cutler(biting lip, holding back tears): Ok, are you sure? I just miss leatherface Shanahan so much!
McDaniels: I know Jay, it's going to be all right. Just come here and put on this new jersey.
Cutler falls to the ground. McDaniels unzips pants to reveal Cutler's true identity. Suddenly the sound of some strange music comes over both of them...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I was wondering what I look and sound like right before I blackout on Friday nights. At least she face planted in the beautiful, vomit infested sand that is Panama City's Sharkeys during Spring Break.
Video HT: Deadspin
I'm still waiting to confirm the rumor she fainted because she saw Alabama offensive tackle Andre Smith running in her direction...
Image HT: The Big Lead
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 10:22 AM
Out of sheer boredom the other day I filled out an application on Facebook to see where I was most compatible to live. Other than the Sportscrack mansion of course.
Surprisingly it came up with Italy. I've been to Italy before with my buddy Andrew. Got to see Rome and the Vatican City. Got so hammered on wine at the Coliseum that I actually urinated on the outside of it. I was pretending I was Maximus Decimus Meridius while shouting "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!"
Anywho, I figured I couldn't make it in Italy because of the lack of quality TV programs. They don't have HBO or Showtime. But you know what they do have?
Sara Effing Varone...
Yeah, I could live in Italy!
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 10:05 AM
This is the first year since middle school that I didn't join a March Madness Pool. And you want to know why? Well, A it's because I don't have a lot of money right now. But the real reason is because it's become a little, how do you say, too gay for me...
In case you were wondering I picked Pitt to win it all. All I did was look at their region and figured they would come out unscathed. I would have taken Oral Roberts or Morehead State but they didn't make the tournament.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 9:47 AM
Yes, this is a real movie coming out. Naked. Very naked.
"It's an honor to die with my head in your junk sir!"
"You feel that...that wind tickling your balls...that's freedom...that's America!"
Words spoken that bring tears to these American eyes. I think this movie has the potential to be very funny. Or it could be as bad as Deuce Bigalow 2. Nah! Nothing is as bad as Deuce Bigalow. Speaking of Deuce Bigalow...I got to go take one right now.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 9:36 AM
An oldie but a good one. Yes, even at rape Duke sucks...
NOVA is going to beat the crap out of the flopping Dukies tomorrow night. Somehow Duke is 2 1/2 point favors in this game up in Boston. I ain't buying Puke stock right now. While it is true both teams rely on their perimeter games way too much the NOVA back court is playing sick right now. The combination of Scottie Reynolds, Corey Fisher, and Corey Stokes might be the best in the nation. Plus power forward Dante Cunningham has come into his own his senior season and should get the Duke front court in foul trouble. Take NOVA with the points and meet me at the bar where we can share shits and giggles and shots. Lots of shots. I will be the one in the Puke shirt in case you were wondering...
GET ME A BEER NOW!
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 8:30 AM
If you didn't think Tim Tebow's legendary status at Florida could get any bigger then you were mistaken. Florida Gator officials want everyone to know, most importantly their football players, that Tebow is God with this new plaque of "The Promise" speech just outside of the new football facility next to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. It's only a matter of time before they erect a statue of him with enormous bull balls so that every Gaytors fan can collectively lick and massage them before and after getting shit faced on fall Saturdays. I know of one fan who would love to get Tebow bagged...
"Gradulations" go out to Florida officials for trying to make Tebow's speech on par with Knute Rockne's Win One for the Gipper. It's not even close but you can't blame them for trying.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 8:08 AM