Wednesday, May 21, 2008

DRINK LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY


I'm sitting here in my living room mast...er...um...watching the UEFA Championship between Manchester United and Chelsea and I figured I would share a picture of my honeymoon from Europe. As you can see in the picture above which was taken in Heidelberg, Germany in a castle still intact after being bombed by the French in the late 1700's is the fact that the Germans really love their booze. Behind me is a giant wooden keg that holds up to 55,000 gallons of booze. As you can see I was wearing my Drink Like A Champion shirt because everyday in Germany they drink like it's their last. Apparently Europe has rubbed it's mayonnaise hands all over my body and soul because now I am sitting here watching a soccer match in penalty kicks and I am completely enthralled in two teams from England competing for a championship I could have cared less about less than 3 weeks ago.

Game over. Manchester United just won on penalty kicks in the driving rain in Moscow. Ronaldo can now lick some balls with his gay ass European haircut. Apparently the mullet has come back in fashion in Europe as all the cool kids are wearing it while spiking their hair up in the front like it's mohawk. Not this square American asshole!

Ahhh...I feel so much better now.

POINTLESS POST OF THE DAY

I know most of them are pointless but I just felt the need to post this old sketch from Mr. Show. It's probably not safe for work but we could care less because little on this website is safe for work. And if your boss has a problem with SportsCrack well you can tell him to suck a fart out of my ass. But say it politely after you take two weeks paid vacation...

HUNTER PENCE'S GIRLFRIEND


Major kudos goes out to PinkMeatCompany.com
for unveiling these pictures
of Terri B who just happens to be the girlfriend of Houston Astros center fielder Hunter Pence. See these are the perks of being a major league baseball player. It's not so much the money or the fame or the cars or the houses. It's the spectacular poon you can pull even if you are not the greatest looking thing in the world. Terri is apparently a part-time model/bartender/none of us give a shit just show us more pictures. Okay, here you go...

I'm sure Hunter uses her bikinis to floss his teeth.

Bless her, she is too poor to even buy clothes. Hunter has surely helped her affliction.

PinkMeatCompany is now my new favorite name for a website. Simply brilliant!

Thanks to TheBigLead for the referral.

JIM LEYLAND DOESN'T GIVE A F@#*


I love it when players and coaches tell it like it is. Jim Leyland, manager of the last place Detroit Tigers even though they were suppose to contend in many people's minds as the best team in the Majors this season with the Red Sox, goes off on the report that former Tigers player Jason Grilli says the Detroit team lost something once Sean Casey was gone.

The only thing that makes me Leyland mad is when somebody takes my last beer out of MY fridge and then doesn't confess to it. Sure, I might strangle you if you confess but it's better than when I blackout and wake up in a pool full of somebody else's blood.

Video HT: Deadspin via TheWorldOfIsaac

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Mike Piazza retires. America's favorite, or shall I say New Yorkers favorite poster boy for all things allegedly gay, ballplayer is now officially retired after sitting on his ass for the past 6 weeks of the 2008 season. A sure-fire first ballot Hall-of-Famer, Piazza finished his career with 427 dingers in which 397 of them were from the catcher position(MLB record). And by catcher I mean bent over with a ball gag in his mouth. And by dingers I mean dongs. I'm sorry, but he was a Met and he is going to go down in history as the guy who Rocket had one of his steroid induced rages at during some bullshit World Series that nobody outside of New York and New Jersey watched.

-Speaking of the Mets, how about that ass kicking doubleheader sweep they suffered from the Atlanta Braves yesterday? A thing of beauty in my book, the Braves used two good starting pitching performances by veteran Tom Glavine and new comer Jorge Campillo to quiet the Met's bats. Chipper aka Larry Jones continues to use the Mets as his personal beat off sock by collecting 3 more hits and raising his average to .408 which is slightly under the rate of strange vagina he hits on during road trips.

-The O's crushed and knocked out former Oriole Mike Mussina and his Yankees comrades by scoring a 7 spot in the first inning thanks to Gold Glover Derek Jeter...oh shit, how in the hell has he won a Gold Glove again? Well, anyways he committed a costly throwing error to keep the inning going with two outs in the first and for doing so got hit in his glove hand by a 96 MPH fastball from Daniel Cabrera in his second at-bat. This of course pissed off the Yankees because they love Jeter's mangina so much they throw at the forgettable Luke Scott's head thus causing the benches and bullpens to clear. No punches thrown, one player ejected, countless Yankees fans left with their gashes torn and broken. Youngster Adam Jones(not the Pacman guy) collected 4 hits and 4 RBI's while George Sherrill still leads the Major Leagues in saves. Yeah, that Erik Bedard trade is looking pretty sweet right now.

-What in the hell has Dan Uggla been eating? I know Cuban sandwiches are good but I didn't realize they could make you stroke the ball so well.Uggs hit his 11th homer of the month in helping the Marlins defeat another division leading team in first place Arizona Diamondbacks 3-2. Uggla now has 14 roundtrippers and the Marlins have now been in first place since the season started. The crowd of just over 10,000 in south Florida doesn't seem to care too much. Pathetic.

-Jonathan Mayo of MLB.com has his draft projections up. I have my fingers crossed Tim Beckham or Pedro Alvarez slip through the cracks to the Orioles at the #4 spot.

NBA
-The Celtics beat the Pistons on their home court, I know, shocker there, to take the 1st game of the Eastern Conference Finals. I of course watched about 10 minutes of the game because Eastern Basketball bores the shit out of me. The real fun starts tonight as the Spurs travel to LA to take on the Lakers.

-Somehow, someway, the Bulls won the NBA lottery last night thus getting the chance to draft either Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose. Let me be one of the countless of others to say it: The Draft Lottery System is fucking stupid. The Bulls had a 1.7% chance of winning it and yet they did. Can you say rigged? The worst team should get the first pick and not the 9th worst team as the Bulls were this past season. Who would you take with the first pick? Beasley looks like another Elton Brand but Derrick Rose looks like he could be another Chris Paul. I would take Beasley because the Bulls already have a point in Kirk Hinrich but it would be damn hard to pass on a Rose.

NFL
-The NFL owners opted out of the labor deal for 2010 and one of the main reasons was because of doggy killer Michael Vick. See, the Falcons only recouped 3 million back on a 20 million dollar bonus they gave to Vick when he signed his contract despite now being in jail. I say fuck the owners and guys like Arthur Blank. You were stupid enough to give him all that money and then you learn your lesson by giving Matt Ryan the biggest bonus ever. Fuck the rich owners. The players when they walk away, if they can, will never be the same. The owners just get fatter and screw more dead hookers than the USC football team. I'm on the player's side on this one.

-The St. Louis Rams might be moving back to LA. I know it's kind of old news but why would they want to move out of St. Louis? They won a Super Bowl there and the fan support is pretty decent from what I can tell. LA could care less about an NFL team plus they already have one in South Central.

NHL
-Jesus Christ! The Stanley Cup Finals don't start till Saturday! I guess we can spend a week talking about a matchup that the NHL loves. I'm pulling for the Penguins and Marian Hossa.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Just get here already. Please. And give me a playoff. Now.

A WONDERFUL NEW DRUG