Thursday, August 21, 2008
These were sent in by loyal blog reader Brian...
15% OF THE UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA FOOTBALL TEAM HAS BEEN ARRESTED DURING
THE PAST YEAR .
THE JOKES ARE FLOWING ....
A lady in Athens calls 911.
Hysterically, she says, 'Someone's just broken into my house, and I think
he's going to rob me!'
The police officer says, 'We're really busy at the moment. Just get the
guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you.'
Q: What is Mark Richt's biggest concern?
A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Athens?
A: A huddle.
Q: Four Georgia players are in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.
Q: Why can't most of the UGA players get into a huddle on the field?
A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.
The University of Ga team has adopted a new Honor System:
'Yes,your Honor; No, your Honor'.
The Dogs are hoping for an undefeated season this year....
11 Arrests, 0 convictions.
Q: How did the Dogs spend the first week of Spring Training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 2:42 PM
MATT FAIRCHILD BREAKS DOWN THE BIG TEN AND GIVES HIS PREDICTIONS
The Big Ten conference this year is basically Ohio State and a bunch of average to shitty teams. The SEC has beaten the living bag out of the conference for so long it looks like a lot of the elite talent in the Midwest is either going to play for the Buckeyes, going to play for Notre Dame, or going for greener pastures and warmer weather in the South and West. Don't get pissed off at the messenger because it's true. The Big Ten has been toilet paper for a while with the lone exceptions of the Buckeyes and Wolverines. So anyways let's take a look at the conference.
THE ELITE TEAMS:
OHIO STATE BUCKEYES-The Buckeyes return 19 starters and are the overwhelming favorite to win the conference. In my opinion they are so loaded there really is no reason for the other teams in the Big 11 to play them. Most games will be done by halftime and if they aren't it's only because the Buckeyes are not playing their top game. QB Todd Boeckman returns after an impressive junior campaign in which he lead his team to another murderous BCS Title game. Incoming freshman QB Terrelle Pryor looks like a Vince Young clone and should be used the way Florida used Tim Tebow in their National Championship season of 2006. Pryor is 6'6 and runs a 4.35 seconds forty yards so you can only imagine the look of fright opposing linebackers and defensive coordinators will have when Pryor breaks huddle behind center. Beanie Wells is the best runningback in the college game and if he stays healthy he has a good shot at the Heisman Trophy. A lot of people in Columbus think Beanie can eclipse the 2000 rushing yards mark this season and I wouldn't be surprised if he has over a 1000 yards in the first 4 games (Youngstown State, Ohio, and Troy are among the opponents). The two Brians at WR can stretch the field with Robiskie used as the big play threat deep and Hartline used as the short pattern strikes. The offensive line returns 4 starters with Steve Rehring and Alex Boone both capable of having All-American seasons. Incoming freshman RT Mike Adams looks like a future Orlando Pace so people shouldn't worry about him stepping in and the offensive line struggling. The defense of course is the Buckeyes bread and butter led by Butkus Award winning LB James Laurinaitis. The Little Animal comes back for his senior season and teams up with senior Marcus Freeman to form the best linebacker core in the nation. The defensive line and secondary units are elite too and the USC game at the LA Coliseum on September 13 should be the only hiccup in a rather weak Big Ten schedule although road games at Wisconsin and Illinois could be trap games. Coach Jim Tressel will have his team ready to rock this season and I would be absolutely shocked if they lost more than 1 regular season game.
WISCONSIN BADGERS-Bret Bielema enters his third season at Wisconsin with 17 returning starters including explosive offensive playmakers PJ Hill and Travis Beckum. The Badgers have strong lines on both sides of the ball and have a chance to compete for the Big Ten title if Beanie Wells, the Little Animal, and about 5 others starters for the Buckeyes go down with injuries. I'm going to be honest here, I really can't remember the last time I watched the Badgers play football. Something about them just doesn't interest me. Sure, they are a cute little team up north but they have never been one of the most exciting teams to watch while you slug beer all day. The Badgers will win 10 games this season while not being a serious threat to play for a National Title but could squeak into a BCS game like Illinois did last year.
ILLINOIS FIGHTIN ILLINI-The Fighting Zooks are back and ready to prove last year was no fluke. QB Juice Williams has been Reggie Ball-like erratic with his passes his first two seasons but if he manages to get rid of the diaper and get the ball to WR Arrelious Benn then the Illini could accomplish many goals this season, one of them making another New Year's Day bowl. Losing RB Rashard Mendenhall is a killer because no matter how much Zook didn't like the kid he was the main reason why they managed to slide into the Rose Bowl last year. Replacing him will not be easy and as of now it looks like Daniel Dufrene will get to toke the rock starting with a huge game against Mizzou in St. Louis on August 30th. The team will play with a huge amount of confidence after beating the Buckeyes in Columbus and their defense could win a lot of games for them. CB Vontae Davis has first round talent and the defensive line is stacked with guys who can penetrate the gaps and create them as well for linebackers such as Martez Wilson. If Juice can continue to progress then this team could be top 15 material. If he struggles then this team will have a hard time winning the close games. I see 8 wins on their schedule.
PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS-Was WR Derrick Williams really the #1 overall prospect in the 2008 class? Talk about not living up to the hype coming out of Maryland Williams was thought of as an explosive playmaker who would change the way JoePa approached the game. Not so much. Williams enters his senior season looking to prove he can be one of the best players in the college game and with fellow WR Deon Butler it should give QB Daryll Clark some decent targets. The defense lost star linebacker Dan Connor to the draft and returning LB Sean Lee to an ACL injury this past spring. Linebacker U won't be the same and it will show. Luckily for the Nittany Lions they return all of their starters on the offensive and defensive lines and it should keep them in a lot of games where their skill positions don't match up to the opposition. Penn State will start 4-0 this season and everybody in the media will be jumping on their bandwagon only to fall off when JoePa goes through a midseason swoon against the likes of Illinois, Wisconsin, and Ohio State.
IOWA HAWKEYES-I'm just going on a hunch here with the Hawkeyes. I keep hearing about how great of a coach Kirk Ferentz is so I guess I'm buying into the hype. They have all five offensive linemen back with QB Jake Christensen coming off a good sophomore season in which he threw 17 TD's and only 6 INT's. The Hawkeyes schedule is rather weak so I could see them winning 9-11 games this year if the breaks fall their way. See, I have fallen for the hype.
MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS-This team scares the shit out of me. They got a good coach, a good QB, an excellent RB, and a defense that can turn the ball over. They lost a lot of close games last season and were competitive with a chance to win every single game on their schedule. Don't be surprised if they are 7-0 heading into a home game against Ohio State on October 18th. Coach Mark Dantonio has brought back some discipline to a program that slipped under that crazy assbag they had before named John L Smith.
FALLING BACK TEAMS:
The Skunkbears have disaster written all over them this year. Their offense will be a mess with only two returning starters and a new philosophy brought in by DickRod. The good news is the defense should be excellent with 7 starters returning with talent filling in the gaps. The defensive line returns all 4 starters. DickRod missed out on uber recruit Pryor to Ohio State and watched Ryan Mallett transfer to Arkansas and Chad Henne graduate during the offseason. Michigan literally doesn't have shit at QB. They have a transfer from Georgia Tech named Steven Threet who will bring his deer in headlights look up to Ann Arbor. I see 4-6 wins on their schedule.
PURDUE BOILERMAKERS-PurWHO, PurDON'T, PurBLOWS, whatever you want to call them won't compete for anything except mediocrity. Their goal every season is to win 7 games. Joe Tiller is in his last season before he starts auditioning for Quaker Oats spots.
TEAMS THAT SUCK AND BLOW AT THE SAME TIME:
NORTHWESTERN WILDCATS-Northwestern has 15 returning starters from a team that won 6 games last year but still it's Northwestern for Christ's sake.
INDIANA HOOSIERS-DE Greg Middleton and QB Kellen Lewis are studs while the majority of the rest are duds.
MINNESOTA GOPHERS-The Gophers were horrendous last year and while they should be improved this season they still blow.
BEST GAME: OHIO STATE AT USC (September 13th)-I know this isn't a conference battle but this should be the game of the year between two storied programs.
WORST GAME: CAL POLY AT WISCONSIN (November 22nd)-Seriously, who the fuck scheduled this game? Wisconsin has always been so boring to watch and now you throw in Cal Poly and I almost feel asleep trying to type these sentences.
MOST OVERRATED GAME: MICHIGAN AT OHIO STATE (November 22nd)-Only because these two programs will be polar opposites this season. The Buckeyes should absolutely destroy the Wolverines.
BEST OFFENSIVE PLAYER: Beanie Wells comes into this season as one of the favorites to win the Heisman for good reason: the kid can flat out run...
BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER: Ohio State LB James Laurinaitis is a two time All-American who will be a first round draft pick.
BEST FRESHMAN: Ohio State RT Mike Adams is stepping in as a starter on a stacked offensive line and should establish himself as one of the best in the nation.
MOST LIKELY TO GET ARRESTED: Somebody who wears a Penn State uniform and/or Terrelle Pryor.
MOST LIKELY TO BE FIRED: Joe Tiller for having a Wilfred Brimley mustache. Oh wait, this is his last season before he retires. Good thing because he would probably be fired after Purdue again sucks it up in the second half.
PLAYER WHO WILL BE BETTER THAN WHAT PEOPLE THINK: Indiana QB Kellen Lewis can throw and run with the best of them and might have a Dennis Dixon type of season for the Hoosiers.
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AWARD: Rich Rodriguez at Michigan. His offense doesn't fit in Ann Arbor and his coaching style will quickly get on the nerves of the Wolverine faithful. It will be entertaining to watch but I can't imagine DickRod lasting more than 5 years in the Maize and Blue.
THE WINNER IS:
Ohio State by a landslide. No fucking questions asked. If you want to question it then take a look at the track marks on your arm and begin cleansing yourself with a cold shower.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 9:10 AM
-MacG takes a look at the new dance craze sure to be created by Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt.
-Frank Vitovitch of UHND thinks Notre Dame will face a much easier schedule in comparison to last year's brutal slate.
-TheBigLead wonders if Tiki Barber did actually call a colleague a Cunt. Eli Manning nods his head in approval.
-On205th has pictures of Megan Fox fondling her breasts. Can't say I blame her for feeling those sweater puppets.
-GeorgiaSports reveals it's pecking order for SEC coaches and surprisingly they have Coach Richt third behind Les Miles and Urban Meyer. WTF? Les Miles #1. I had no idea he was thought in such reverence amongst his opponents fans.
-Deadspin has a picture of one of the Chinese beach volleyball players playing grab ass with Kerri Walsh after the USA team won the gold.
-BarstoolSports wonders why Michael Phelps would choose to be on the cover of the Corn Flakes box and not Wheaties. I give you three words: money money money.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 8:43 AM