Friday, March 28, 2008


Okay, yes, my picks yesterday were pretty much atrocious in the don't look at 2 Girls 1 Cup video way. But I want to make it up to you guys and gals by picking some winners. And as much basketball as I have watched this year which is confined to my two trips to Vegas you can pretty much guarantee these picks are as bad as David Stern is with math and geography. Or maybe just as bad as my grammar.

Davidson over Wisconsin. The exciting Curry is a one man wrecking crew and can pretty much hit any shot on the floor including game winners when some assholes are taking his picture. See, because he is an athlete and clearly Tiger Woods isn't. But I digress. Davidson is for real and I have no idea how they got a 10 seed when they were top 25 the majority of the season. Plus I hate watching Wisconsin play basketball. It's like watching Dane Cook try to be funny. You just watch and wait, watch and wait, watch and wait, and then just get pissed off because you wasted your time while others somehow enjoyed it. We call these people special. Wisconsin basketball is special in a L bus kind of way. Take Davidson with the 5.5 points as the underdog.

Stanford over Texas. I'm on the Stanford and the Lopez twin bandwagon. Those kids can play for me any day or night and I just think they will overwhelm the Longhorns. To be honest I haven't watched one minute of Texas basketball this year because A)it's not football and B)I have a life, as tiny as it may be. Stanford is the dogs by 3 so take them with the points and parlay that shit with Davidson.

Kansas over Villanova. Villanova is playing really good basketball right now but for all intended purposes Kansas should destroy them on a neutral court. Give me Chalmers and Rush and even I could make Bill Self look like a good coach. They won't cover the 12.5 but I would take Kansas on the moneyline and parlay it with Davidson and Stanford.

Memphis over Michigan State. You know everybody is jumping on the Spartans bandwagon and jumping off Memphis. Why? They lost one fucking game all year to Tennessee. Of course I have rationalized Memphis as the winner in this game because I have them in my Final Four but seriously they are a much better team on paper than Michigan State. Derrick Rose is due for one of those "holy f-ing shit did you see that" games all true superstar b-ballers do during the tournament. They are 5 point favorites and I like them to cover it.

Have a great and sober Easter weekend. Oh wait, it was last weekend. Never mind. I give you permission for all out debauchery and chaos while spreading your seed to whomever will take it.


As we all know the American League East has been dominated by the two major market clubs in the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox for the past decade. Will things change this year? Umm...negative. But the race could come down to the wire which will be thrilling for ESPN and all the bandwagon Yankees and Red Sox fans.

1. Boston Red Sox-The team is more loaded than Heath Ledger on pills. Okay, maybe not that loaded but you get my point. Manny Ramirez aka lazy bitch with the best swing in baseball will have a monster season because A)Contract year and B)he is that fucking good. David Ortiz will be backing him up in the cleanup spot and there is no doubt the Sox will be scoring a ton of runs with guys like Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury(ROY candidate if he gets the at-bats), World Series MVP Mike Lowell, the always reliable Jason Varitek and some redneck vagina out in right field in the lineup. I forgot his name already. The pitching is stacked and I wouldn't worry to much about losing Curt Schilling. Josh Beckett will be strong again and Dice-K should be better than he was last season or otherwise he is stealing a lot of yen. Honestly this team is so loaded I bet on them to win the World Series even though I hate their guts. Oh yeah, and to top it all off they might have the best closer in the game in Jonathan Papelbon.

Prediction-99 Victories

2. New York Yankees-This team needs some serious publicity. I feel so bad for them having to mire in obscurity these past 90 years so I felt it was my responsibility to inform you about this young, up and coming team from the Bronx. Some guy named A-Rod decided to come back because he wanted to take a pay cut in order to be faithful to his wife and trainer and because he loves the city of New York. They have been so wonderful to him and his family since he arrived a few seasons back. Seriously, A-Rod is the most stand-up guy in baseball. Just ask Derek Jeter or Jose Canseco. They have pool parties and pillow fights together all the time. It's so sweet to see teammates and former teammates get along so well. Everyone loves New York so much they will take twice the money just to play there and live outside of the city. Johnny Damon creams in his pants when thinking about how loving and compassionate the fan base is and how they support their players despite their slumps. The city has become so gentle and caring since the tragic 9/11 thing occurred. They win the Wild Card because like the A's and Marlins they love to play Money Ball.

Prediction-93 Victories

3. Tampa Bay Rays-Holy cow there is finally a team worth talking about in Tampa/St. Pete. The Rays have one of the best young and talented pitching staffs in the major leagues with Scott Kazmir, Jamie Shields, and newly acquired Matt Garza all potential studs. Carl Crawford is still one of the most underrated players in the game and should be a fantasy baseball manager's wet dream. Evan Longoria did not make the club this spring but should eventually be up within the first two months and should contribute. BJ Upton had a breakout season last year and will be the everyday centerfielder now that Rocco Baldelli's career seems to be over. Don't expect as big of a season out of 1B Carlos Pena but he should still put up 30 plus homers in the Tropicana/Geritol Stadium. The bullpen could be their downfall with Troy Percival closing games and a lot of question marks setting him up. This team has been drafting young studs for years now it is their time to at least finish out of the basement in the AL East.

Prediction-82 victories

4. Toronto Blue Jays-Besides Vernon Wells, Alex Rios, and Roy Halladay I really don't like the pieces on this team. Matt Stairs is expected to play left field. Laughter ensues. Cardinal rejects David Eckstein and Scott Rolen man the left side of the infield. More laughter ensues. Lyle Overbay and an old Frank Thomas man your two power hitting positions at 1B and DH. Those Canadians sure are funny aren't they? This team could be really bad but at least they are not as bad as the Baltimore Orioles. Over/under on AJ Burnett starts this year: 20. If I was a betting man...wait, I am, I would take the under. The Blue Jays are fucking dead in this division.

Prediction-73 Victories

5. Baltimore Orioles-This year's Cinderella is the BAWtimore OWioles. Okay maybe not but a little boy can dream right? The O's are finally rebuilding behind GM Andy MacPhail and are left with either shit old players or up and coming studs. The good for the O's is RF Nick Markakis. In what should be his first of many All-Star games Markakis will be the most consistent player in a rather pathetic lineup. If the O's keep 2B Brian Roberts as it appears they will now the lineup will only be shitty and not horrendously shitty as previously thought. CF Adam Jones will go through some growing pains but could put up Chris Young type numbers. The starting pitching is awful. Jeremy Guthrie is the most consistent and Daniel Cabrera is another meltdown from being banished to...fuck me...he is 2nd in the rotation! The bullpen looks like it will be better only because it was so bad last year it can't surely get any worse. Make no mistake this should be the worst team in Orioles history. But there is always the future O's fans and players like Billy Rowell and Matt Wieters will be making impacts in 2009. And for the love of God Peter Angelos please give hometown product Mark Teixeira whatever the hell he wants and sign him this offseason. What remains of the loyal fans who still wear orange and black deserve it. Fuck, now I need a kleenex.

Prediction-20 Victories, and if I was a betting man I might take the under.


The picture above is of Sara Larson who has been dating uber bachelor George Clooney for over a year now. I'm not sure what to make of her down on all fours, I will let you the reader decide for yourself.

Honestly I was kind of disappointed in the picture. I thought actresses/models in Hollywood only got down on all fours to do blow or get a movie role. I guess Larson beat them all, she landed a Clooney....

Picture HT: WWTDD