ESPN's John Anderson sold it better than that fucking Cristiano Ronaldo ever could. Look, I don't necessarily mind soccer. I played it one year when I was like 5 years old. Fucking hated it. It was too boring and too much running without any reward. It's pretty bad when you think soccer is so boring you go on to play baseball for the rest of your life. But I can appreciate soccer because it does take skills to be good at it. You can't use your hands which is kinda gay in my opinion and you have to have incredible endurance to run up and down for no god damn good reason. But I hate the flopping bull shit. It's like they all got taught by Coach K how to bull shit a foul. It pisses me off. If soccer wants to be taken as a real sport it will start executing the fakers out there. Yep, straight up Colombian killing style. Right there on the field. Bullet between the eyes. Until then you are just a recreational sport that all the guys who weren't good enough for the real sports like football, basketball, hockey and baseball take part in.
Ok deep breath. End of rant. Happy Friday Fuckers! And oh yeah good job SportsCenter with the video. I laughed.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Via ExtraMustard comes this video of NHL top prospect Tomas Jurco doing some nifty tricks with his hockey stick. The kid has some incredible stick handling skills no doubt. The question I have is can he throw a hotdog down a hallway such as Jessica Simpson? Because once you come to the States and play in the NHL the only stick handling people care about is the amount of celebrity poon you can corral.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 12:28 PM
Now I'm going to pretend the last...oh...3-4 years of Jessica Simpson gradually losing her self control over eating was just a dream. Actually more of a nightmare. See Jessica Simpson was every young kid's boner back in the day. She was the go-to mental quickie in case you wanted to squeeze one out in the bathroom before your sibling came in. But then she got divorced, dated Tony Romo and got dumped, ate a bunch of bear claws and ice cream and blew up faster than Sally Struthers. But like I said let's all just forget about those little details. Because SportsCrack.com has the runaway clear cut winner for the Comeback Player of the Year. This is a bigger comeback than Michael Vick killing dogs and winning the hearts of degenarate gamblers out there. This is bigger than anything Tiger Woods could rebound from in divorce and random whore meetings. This is grade A chuck Jessica Simpson at her finest. She has brought back the Daisy Dukes with a little help from her friends: Cameltoe and MooseKnuckle.
More pics at Egotastic
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 12:07 PM
Here are your large round mounds of funbags for this fucking great Friday. Be sure to send more in next week to email@example.com. Also thanks to everyone who sent in their submissions. It's a tough job to pick out the best of the week but I think I'm up to it. Be sure to vote for your favorite funbags in the comment section. Right now my runaway winner is #4.
And why not throw in a little Kate Upton sideboob action from SI.com...
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 9:57 AM