DIRK BEING DIRK

If there is one thing German basketball superstars know what to do, and I've been saying this for years, it's how to knock up a crazy lady with a checkered past and then get her arrested. This story is just too bizarre, or complicated for a simpleton like myself, to explain so I will let CBS11 out of Dallas explain Dirk Nowitzki's love life...

Dallas police officers arrested 37-year-old Cristal Taylor Wednesday morning at Dallas Mavericks player Dirk Nowitzki's house on a fraud warrant. Thursday she remained in the Dallas County Jail on $20,000 bond.

CBS 11 News has learned that a team of three attorneys converged on Dirk's house, along with several members of law enforcement, Wednesday. Among them a retired FBI agent who is now a private investigator that was either hired by Dirk or his attorneys. At least one of the attorneys specializes in family law.

Sources also say when Taylor was being arrested she was concerned about parting with the $250,000 ring she was wearing.

A woman who claims to be Taylor's best friend...says Nowitzki and Cristal Taylor were engaged--and that she is pregnant.

Taylor's friend also says Nowitzki knew Taylor had a checkered past, but adds that neither she nor Nowitzki knew Taylor had outstanding warrants.

The friend says that when Taylor was taken to the Dallas County Jail Wednesday, the staff took a urine sample and told her she's pregnant. An individual who spent the night in jail with Taylor also tells CBS 11 News that Taylor is claiming to be pregnant.

Damn, Dirk just got slammed all in his face with some psycho bitch who not only managed to get engaged but knocked up with a little Dirk dribbling inside her. This "Cristal", if that is her real name, is obviously preying on The High Flying Deutschman to get money now and eventual alimony plus child support once they separate which is inevitable after she gives birth. Poor Dirk, I feel bad for him. Love shouldn't be so costly. But for entertainment purposes it's great.

Good luck concentrating on the playoff game tonight Dirk.

MANNY BUSTED FOR BEING MANNY

Of course my internet has been out all fucking morning so I'm only the 350,000th person to report that Manny Ramirez was busted for using "performance enhancing drugs." His 50 game suspension comes as a shock to some but not me. If anybody was going to get busted for doing something stupid like using PED's then I would have thought Manny would be one of the first guys. Hell, Jose "The Saint" Canseco told us a month ago that he thought there was a 90% chance Manny was using shit to help his performance. And if there is anybody we can trust with telling the truth in baseball it is Mr. Bash Brother Canseco.

But was he using shit to help hit a baseball or was he using prescriptions to help his slugging percentage beneath the sheets? Yahoo Sports has a report saying that a source close to Manny can confirm that he wasn't busted for steroids or HGH but rather a sexual enhancer...

The source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the substance is supposed to boost sex drive. It is not Viagra, but a substance that treats the cause rather providing a temporary boost in sexual performance, the source said.

The Major League baseball list of banned substances includes the gonadotropins LH and HCG, which are most commonly used by women as fertility drugs. They also can be used to trigger testosterone production. Testosterone is depleted by steroid use, which can cause sexual dysfunction.

So with this report from Yahoo we really have no idea what the hell is going on with Manny Ramirez. Apparently his limp dick or bitch tits or whatever you want to call it has earned himself a 50 game suspension. Manny isn't appealing the decision and has accepted his fallacy with this released statement from himself or somebody who actually knows how to write in English...

“Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons."

And if you are wondering about a shirt involving Manny Being Manny you have absolutely no worries. It will be done by Sportscrack...

Above design is a trademark of Sportscrack LLC so don't get any fucking ideas about stealing it and using it as your own. I know people.