JIMMY CLAUSEN FOR HEISMAN

Brian over at MGOBlog got the comedy of offensive line errors video from a guy with too much time on his hand. I hate to beat a dead horse but honestly, what the fuck are the offensive lineman doing? Is it too complicated to block the guy with the other jersey in front of you? I think we should ask Homer Simpson what he thinks about the state of Notre Dame football right now. Oh wait, here we go...

D OH!

TIME TO FIX THE PROBLEM

I never thought I would see the day where I actually thought in my head that Notre Dame is the worst team in college football. I'm dead serious. Notre Dame is absolutely pathetic right now and I honestly don't see how it's going to get better. They are a lost team without a leader. If I was Jabba the coach I would start every freshmen and sophomore on the roster and pray you don't lose any of your recruits you have coming in because frankly they could start right away on this team.

WEEKEND FORECAST
It's time to give some predictions now with 2 solid weeks under our belt.

USC AT NEBRASKA(+10)
The last time these two teams played it was a joke, USC blew them out in the Coliseum. This year will be different. Nebraska has a running game led by Marlon Lucky that can put some yards on a soft Trojan defense. Yes, despite all their studs this is the PAC-10, and their defense is softer than Peter North after an eight ball. USC will win, but they are not covering.

Prediction: USC 28 Nebraska 24

Tennessee(+8) at Florida
I've been going back and forth with this game all week. The Gators have looked really strong against inferior competition and the Vols looked really bad against Cal. But these games usually are close, tough battles. I think it will be a shootout between Tim Tebow and Erik Ainge. I wouldn't be surprised if Ainge outplays Tebow and keeps the Vols in the game, perhaps with a 4th quarter lead. But Tebow pulls the grace of God out of his arse and wins the game for the Gators with a TD run even though everybody, and I mean everybody, knows it's coming.

Prediction: Florida 35, Tennessee 31

Texas(-19) at Central Florida
Texas running game is going to prove too tough for the Fightin O'Learys. The Longhorns finally get their shit together and flex their muscle in this one. Watch out for Mark May and the rest of the ESPN dipshits to jump on the Longhorn bandwagon after the game.

Prediction: Texas 42, Central Florida 10

Louisville at Kentucky(+7.5)
This game has upset special written all over it. The Wildcats can hang with Louisville's potent attack because they have Andre Woodson and Rafael Little. Both guys will have great games. The problem is so will Brian Brohm. These two teams don't have much defense, so in other words it will probably be a low scoring game because these kind of games always fuck the Vegas over/under line(which I believe is at 135 right now). Louisville avoids the upset..barely.

Prediction: Louisville 38 Kentucky 35

Ohio State(-4.5) at Washington
Huskies sensation Jake Locker meets a real defense for the first time. It could get ugly.

Prediction: Ohio State 28 Washington 10

Boston College at Georgia Tech(-7)
Backup College vs. the Nerds...oh the humanity! Tech's defense and running game will be too tough for Matt Ryan and his golden showers.

Prediction: Georgia Tech 31 Boston College 20

Arkansas(+4) at Alabama
You know what, fuck Dick Saban for taking off the SECPoon. You don't ever piss off the Poonlovers. D-MAC and Felix go nuts and all hell breaks loose in Tuscaloosa. Hide your daughters or nieces Saban, a reckoning is upon us.

Prediction: Arkansas 24 Alabama 17

Notre Dame(+7.5) at Michigan
It's all about survival now. Two storied programs in the depths of hell but one can rise out of the ashes and take back their season. It's freshmen sensations Jimmy Clausen vs. Ryan Mallett. It's Mike Hart's guarantee vs. Corwin Brown's new defense. More than likely it will get ugly, very ugly.

Prediction: Notre Dame 3 Michigan 2

So there you have it poopdicks. Have fun, drink beer, watch tons of football, and get laid for Virgin's sake.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICK EM CONTEST
For those who are participating in the Sportscrack College Football Pick Em Contest, you need to get your picks in if you want to win a free Sportscrack shirt of your choice.

Last week our lucky winner was Bryan Dean of Georgia. With the win Bryan not only assured himself a place in heaven and a permanent spot in the Sportscrack Hall of Fame, but he also got two free shirts. I've been assured from Bryan himself that the ladies are loving him a lot lately since he has been sporting his Sportscrack swag. He even sent me a video which I thought was a little inappropriate but it wouldn't be right to not show you the love he has enjoyed...


So get those picks in people, you could be the winner of a lovely new shirt.
Here are the two new ones we just introduced...

DID SABAN KILL THE SEC POON?
I just got the word from Adam over at Mac Gs World that the unholy of all holliness has happened at the hands of the evil pig fucker we all know as Nick Saban.

Brace yourself people, back away from anything breakable and go to a quiet room where you can scream all you want and nobody will care: THE SECPOON HAS BEEN KILLED BY SABAN.

Apparently the SECPoon displayed a picture of Saban's niece and all hell broke loose. Satan..excuse me, Saban worshipping blood seeking gouge your eyes out lawyers have contacted the SECPoon and made a threat. I wish I had more information but my head is spinning worse than the first time I drank Golden Grain. How could this happen? Why would anyone want to get rid of the wonderful and glorious pictures of SECPoon?

I'm starting to get a case of Muhammad Ali shakes.

You got till 5 o'clock to make everything right Saban. You got that Saban, don't make a fool out of me...

SHADY BRADY AND BILL BELICHEAT

Well, Roger Godell and the NFL slayed down the law last night on the Patriots and I guess it depends on what side you are on if you think it is justice. My honest view was it wasn't enough. I hate it when you give multimillionaires run by billionaires fines. It just doesn't stick with these guys, they will continue to cheat. Look at baseball. If you told major leaguers the first time they got caught for illegal performance enhancing drugs they would be suspended for the rest of their career you know damn well what would happen....MLB would be boring. Anyways, I thought it was funny how the guys over at BarStoolSports view the way Godell handled it. Apparently everybody cheats in their mind and so the Patriots and Belicheat should have gotten off with a gentle spanking. If I was the commish and thank god I'm not (it doesn't pay enough)I would have made the Patriots forfeit the game and give up first round draft picks for the next few seasons to their division rivals.

I think that would have sent a clear message to everybody in the NFL that this espionage/counter intelligence stealing signs bull shit is not tolerated. And if it is please tell me who is doing it so I can make the right bet with my bookie. At least have that dignity right?

MY FIRST PREDICTION AGAINST THE SPREAD
Okay, I've gotten two weeks of watching the lovely boob tube filled with college football delight and I am ready to lay down my first bet. First off, I have to warn you that a lot of my viewing, wait, all of my viewing has been with my lovely roommate of choice named NewCastle. She is brown and I love her oh so much. Also I must warn you I'm originally from Maryland and both of my parents attended Garyland as I call it. So I could be a little bias but who gives a fuck, it's only money right? It's not like it buys happiness, that is what hookers are for. Just ask the Republican party.

Anyways, the current line is -17 in favor of the West Virginia Mountaineers. The game is in College Park and yes I know Maryland has beaten two vagina's in Villanova and Florida International (isn't that the airport where drugs get smuggled in?)but I got this feeling Maryland can hang with their border rivals.

We all know that West Virginia absolutely destroyed Maryland in the first quarter last year in Morgantown thanks to the beast I call Patty Slaton. They ran all over the Terps, gouging them inside their turtle shells with incestuous hands. This year will be different. Maryland will hang with them because QB Jordan Steffy won't turn the ball over in the first half. We all know that Big East defenses are about as defenseless as Jim Tressel's brown eye (yes, I just went there Bucknuts)so there should be a lot of points put on the board. Jabba the Friedgen will draw up a game plan that will utilize RB Keon Lattimore, the younger brother of murderer extraordinaire turned bible-beater Ray Lewis.

West Virginia will win the game, but they won't cover the 17.

Mountaineers 35
Maryland 28



Lattimore looks to slash through his opponents like his big brother.

FCU WITH BILL MURRAY

2% MILK
100% MURRAY

RANDOM JOKE

Rubber Check

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

GOT JC?

ESPN is apparently going to shove Jimmy Clausen down our throat whether we like it or not. Here is their "latest" coverage of the Golden Boy and Notre Dame.

AN ALL-TIME CLASSIC FROM ORSON
Orson Swindle has outdone himself again. His latest, Parallel Universe,dives full force into the depths of hell all College Football fans go through after a tough loss on a late Saturday night. God have mercy on us all and please thank Orson for the endless days of shits and giggles.

PARALLEL UNIVERSE: 4:45 A.M SUNDAY
(He comes to in dark room. Turns on the light. The clock reads 4:45 a.m. It’s Sunday, September 16th, 2007.)

Jesus, my mouth tastes terrible. Just awful. Like someone shaved a rat on it. You’d think a grown man would know better than to combine red wine, dollar jello shots, and jager bombs. But this grown man didn’t. Need…water. Need…

Oh, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

(A Michigan t-shirt sits on the floor. A pack of condoms sits on the nightstand. It has been opened.)

Oh, god. Oh, please, Lord. Not again. Not again. I thought this was the bottom. I know it’s been a bad two weeks. I know I’m bad and need help, serious, serious help. If you’re there, say I don’t have to look. Please say this didn’t happen.

(A groan comes from a bulky body on the bed next to him. The sheets stink of sin and the faint whiff of Bechamel sauce.)

Okay. Okay. It happened again. FUCK! Wait–I can accept that. Reality check. Courage. Like a Victor would.

I’m gonna look. One quick turn to the right and all. And you want to know the truth, right? It’s better to know the truth, right? Because you’ll feel better. Because you’ll feel better. And it can’t get worse than Appalachian State. It just…can’t.

One…two…three…




Via EVERYDAYSHOULDBESATURDAY

SUPERBAD


First to 3 points wins!

Via gump4heisman

SOUNDS LIKE A GUILTY MAN


I think there is little doubt that Bill Belichick knew about the cheating. He is about as convincing as Michael Vick during his denial. The NFL better come down hard on Belichick and the Patriots because this is the most blatant case of cheating I can ever remember happening in the league. And I don't want to hear the retarded excuse "well everybody does it!" Fuck that shit! They cheated and got caught and at the very least should have to forfeit the win and give up draft picks.

NFL NEWS
First off, the great news is that Buffalo Bill's tight end Kevin Everett has apparently received a miracle with the news he will be able to walk again. The hit look like a crushing blow not only to Everett himself but to the whole Bill's organization.
I know I tend to act like an a-hole on here especially when it comes to the NFL, but my heartfelt prayers go out to Everett on a speedy recovery.


And with all good news on the NFL side we also have bad news. Bill Belichick has a lot of questions to answer regarding the videotaping of signal stealing during the Jet's game on Sunday. The Patriot's franchise has been considered the elite organization from top to bottom with 3 recent Super Bowls with some may consider good talent but not great talent, it makes you wonder how long this has been going on. My hope is new commissioner Roger Godell will come down hard on the Patriots. I can't stand when other teams cheat because not only are you cheating the game but you are cheating yourself. We should have known the Patriots were up to no good with their recent questionable draft picks (Meriweather) and trades (Randy Moss) in which they have picked up guys with unsavory reputations. Oh yeah, and Golden Boy Tommy Brady is knocking up his ex-girlfriend while sleeping with a supermodel. What an a-hole!

I think Godell should come down hard on the Patriots. I would take away their first round draft pick for the next three years, giving it to their division rivals with a mandatory mid first round pick. The Jet's game should be a forfeit. There is no way you can justify the Patriots with the win. It's sad that teams have to sink to this level, but the only way to nip it in the ass is to come down hard with the Godell iron fist.

COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF
With our annual shit on Notre Dame parade being led full force by ESPN's Pat Forde, I felt obligated to inject some of my opinions. But luckily for you guys I found someone else who could do it for me. Yes, I'm lazy, I know this. Anyways, Mike Coffey pretty much sums up what the majority of Notre Dame fans already know but the rest of the nation(looking at you ESPN muckrakers) have ignored.


Drum Major, If You Please
Every parade must have a leader, and it's usually those who are adept at it who are asked to do it most often. So it comes as no surprise to me that ESPN resident hair-puller Pat Forde has decided to fire the first shot in the Weis-to-Willingham idiocy parade this year with his article today.

If memory serves, he was the first out of the gate last year on the subject when Washington started 4-1 and ND got handled by Michigan. But then the Irish peeled off eight straight wins while the Huskies lost six in a row (including that 20-3 decision to powerhouse Stanford), and Forde and the rest of the intellectually bankrupt muckrakers stuck their heads back in the hole, waiting for the next chance.

I don't want to link it because contributing to the decline of society by making people dumber is a mortal sin. You're welcome to hunt for and read it yourself, and on your own head be it. But I'll pull a couple of paragraphs here and there so you get the gist.


Domers, Your Credibility Is On The Clock. When Notre Dame trap-doored Tyrone Willingham after just three years on the job in 2004, it established a precedent for the next coach: You've got three years, pal. Have it up and running at full speed or else.


Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat. So stupid so quick. Can't you even let the reader settle in before hitting them over the head with a mistake?

That's not the precedent, big guy. That's not even close.

No one was asking Tyrone Willingham to "have it up and running at full speed" in his third year, although that would have been nice. What they were asking him to do was improve on the previous regime while setting a good foundation for future success. And Willingham didn't even come close to succeeding on that score.

It wasn't just that ND wasn't competitive on the field for two and a half seasons (which would have been three outside of fortuitous bounces on defense). It also wasn't looking any better any time soon. Aside from a quality class in his first year (coached by Weis to the best first-two-season win total of any ND coach in its history), Willingham and his staff bumbled to two mediocre-at-best classes in a row to follow it up. After three seasons of ineptitude on offense and haphazard results on defense (to say nothing of atrocious special teams), no coaching changes were in the offing. And yet the golf course continued to beckon, at the expense of gameplanning and meeting with high school coaches and getting support from alumni and all sorts of other duties Willingham neglected in his three years in South Bend.

Willingham knew as well as Notre Dame did that the relationship wasn't working. That's why his reps were talking to Washington in October of that year, why his contract had a special buyout clause at the end of the third season (when if he'd done well, he'd be NFL bound), and why he refused to make any assistant coaching changes at the end of his third season when his bosses suggested very strongly he do so.

He could afford to be insubordinate. He had his golden (domed) parachute, both financial and philosophical. He goes sailing off into the purple sunset with many millions of ND's dollars -- more than had ever been paid to any non-African American football coach in school history, by the way -- while the Irish would have to deal with the small-minded fallout from people who couldn't see past the color of Willingham's skin to take in the (lack of) content of his character.

Yes, coaches should get at least a fourth year as a rule. Some turnaround jobs are harder than others. But those coaches should be willing to meet the school halfway. Those coaches should be able to identify what's not working and make moves to try and make fixes. Those coaches should at least pretend they're interested in a career at their place of employment.

Willingham's recruiting was in the toilet. His offenses scared no one. His defenses were hit-or-miss. His relationships with high school coaches were terrible. His relationships with a lot of the ND alumni clubs, including those that had bent over backwards to help him feel welcome, were worse.

And what was he doing to fix those things? Absolutely nothing.

So what would the point of a fourth year have been, other than to dig Notre Dame into an even deeper hole? One more year of bad recruiting. One more year slipping away from the rank of winningest college program. One more year of players and fans walking away.

What would that have accomplished?

Oh, I have no doubt it would have accomplished a lot for the people who don't like Notre Dame or who thrive on mindless rhetoric. But I don't think it would have done much for us, the alumni and fans, and in the end, our opinions, needs and wants count a lot more than the haters'. And thank God for that.

At least you have the intellectual honesty to admit "Weis coached many of Willingham's players better than Willingham ever did". A logician would have recognized that as being the overall point and stopped there. Quelle surprise you did not, talking about what the "Willingham players" and the "Weis players" have accomplished on offense.

Of course, you fail to note how in most programs, upperclassmen are expected to contribute more than underclassmen, a condition exacerbated at a place like Notre Dame that does not allow automatic redshirting. And it should probably be noted that the Weis version of Quinn, Samardzija, Stoval, et al, were ten times the players the Willingham versions were (which, again, would be the overall point).

Should Charlie Weis be on the hot seat? Right now, no. When you spend two years giving the fans the results they want while working very hard to ensure a strong future, you build goodwill that takes you through the rough patches. And that has nothing to do with his Caucasianality and everything to do with knowing his job and doing it.

But his seat is certainly warming. If we're having this same conversation about ineptitude on offense this time next year, you can bet his tushie will be more than a little singed.

And that'll be no different than how Willingham was treated.

So with that let's give a big thank you to Mike Coffey for helping out some of the people who have been too blinded by the race issue.

Now go out and beat Meshitagain Charlie, okay Slim.

NEW SHIRTS THIS WEEK
Here is a couple of new shirts we are introducing. Both shirts have a rivalry feel to them and will most certainly be a hit at any tailgate, gameday, or party atmosphere.

First we have our brand new OklaHOMO Spooners shirt in texas orange...


Second is our brand new Beat Florida shirt in red...


As always a portion of all sales goes to the American Cancer Society.

Click here to order.

JEFF TEDFORD FOR MICHIGAN COACH?

It's been a tough couple of weeks for the Michigan community since they have royally sucked ass since losing their god in Bo Schembechler. But now it is time to not only prepare for Notre Dame and the guaranteed win Mike Hart has promised but to look towards the future of their program. So Brian Cook over at mgoblog takes a look at the candidacy of one Jeff Tedford, aka Offensive Genius/King of the JUCO.

I think Tedford is a fine candidate but I find it hard to believe he would leave Cal to coach Michigan. He actually makes more than Lloyd Carr right now and he is a West Coast guy. Plus would any rational person move their family from the lovely, laid back land of California to the urine soaked land of Ann Arbor, MI?

That is a tough one.

TWINS?

On the left you have current Chicago Bears RB Adrian Peterson (the shitty, less talented Peterson) and on the right you have Whoopi Goldberg (the shitty, least talented comedian of all time). The resemblance is uncanny. Unfortunately Bear fans will never be able to look at their team in the same way.

Via SportsByBrooks

RANDOM JOKE

The Injured Thumb

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

SPORTSCRACK TOP 25
I've been itching like a dog to get this list off my balls for three weeks now but finally it's here. And unlike the voters in the AP and coaches polls, I have actually watched all these teams play this year. How is that you say? ESPNU has become my drug buddy. It gives me my fix everyday by replaying the games from the week before. I'm telling you the television box is going to be the next big thing in technology. Fucking amazing what images you can see on a daily basis by them flickering lights in the ol' tube. Anyways, here is my top 25. You can send all hate mail to Lloydcarr@umich.edu if you disagree.

1. Oklahoma-These Sooners are for real. Bradford and Kelly are sluts hooking up with each other in alarming if not epidemic proportions. OU has completely dominated North Texas and Miami on offense, defense, and special teams and should continue to cruise to a bitch slap worthy fight against the Book Em' Horns.

2. LSU-Do I really need to explain? Everything is great about this team except the coach Les Miles. I don't trust that pig fucker. He is a wolf in sheep skin and will screw up at least one game for the Tigers.

3. USC-These fuckers are good, we all know. A good test is in Lincoln this week. I'm pulling for the Huskers harder than I tug on myself. FUSC.


4. Florida-Anyone expecting a sudden drop off in play from the Gators after losing some players better wake up and smell the Tebow. The annual Smokey ball licking contest should be interesting.

5. California-Two words: Desean Jackson. Nuff said.

6. West Virginia-Looked awful in the first half against rival Marshall. Second half the Mountaineers played up to their capabilities by sprinkling White and Slaton all over the Thundering Herd.

7. Texas-The Longhorns struggled for the first 7 quarters of the season in wins over Arkansas State and TCU but appeared to hit their stride in the fourth quarter on Saturday.

8. Georgia Tech-I know I am a complete jerkoff for putting this team this high. They have demolished two bad teams in Notre Dame and Samford, but what can I say, I'm a sucker for a good defense to go along with a potent running game.

9. Rutgers-They didn't look exceptional vs. Navy but got the job done.

10. Penn State-Their defense will win a lot of games for them but they have to improve the offense. Anthony Morelli is an average QB.

11. Louisville-Their offense will win a lot of games for them but they have no defense. Giving up 35 points in one half to Middle Tennessee State should get you hung and shot.

12. UCLA-I'm not sure why I have these Pac-10 pussies up here other than the fact that the other teams behind them haven't showed me much.

13. Wisconsin-I really need to make it up to Madison for one trip to experience a game day up there. I say this because I'm a degenerate alcoholic with a terrible rash caused by college football couchitis.

14. Nebraska-Beat USC and you will be a top 10 team.

15. Oregon-Destroyed Michigan in the Big House. I really like watching Dennis Dixon and Jonathan Stewart but still wonder if the Ducks are just a mirage of past great starts.

16. Texas A&M-I know they looked like shit vs. Fresno State but they still got the W and will continue to get better as the season progresses.

17. South Florida-They beat the Auburn Tigers on the road and are now sitting at 2-0. I don't think I need to rationalize this ranking.

18. Ohio State-The Buckeyes are missing something. Oh yeah, a QB worth a damn.

19. South Carolina-The Cocks have a really good defense and a senior QB who has been generally regarded as a fuck up. Redemption could be sweet justice for Blake Mitchell.

20. Arkansas-Darren McFadden and Felix Jones form the best backfield in the nation.

21. Missouri-Chase Daniel could lead the Tigers to the Big 12 Championship game.

22. Boston College-Huge game against the Yellow Jackets this weekend could determine ACC Champs.

23. Tennessee-I would not be stunned to see the Volunteers pull off the upset this week against the Gators.

24. Clemson-James Davis and CJ Spiller form the second best backfield in the nation.

25. Georgia-Young and inexperienced in some areas, they will continue to get better as the team matures. Matthew Stafford will be a great QB.

Time to go take my crazy pills...