SportsCrack Blog

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

TAMPA BAY RAYS FANS BRING A LITTLE PHILLY TO COLE HAMELS


This may come as news to 99.9% of sports fans including myself, but the Tampa Bay Rays(they dropped the Devil because of protests from Manta Rays) actually have fans who are passionate. Of course they are just learning how to heckle opposing players as demonstrated towards Phillies Cole Hamels in a spring training game today...

"One guy called me a cross between Casey Fossum and Shawn Camp," Hamels said, referring to two middling ex-Tampa Bay pitchers. "I thought that was kind of funny."

But the razzing wasn't limited to Rays fans. A few Phillies faithful also chimed in.

"They want to see what you're worth," Hamels said with a grin.


By chiming in the writer was being polite and misleading. He really meant to say the Phillies fans spit and urinated on the Ray fans while referring to them as vaginal openings or rectums for that matter. That is how you heckle Philly-style. Stupid Rays fans could never demonstrate that type of bat-shit crazy passion when it comes to all out doucheness. Plus it becomes mute when 90% of Rays fans would rather catch the early bird special at Outback and play bingo then watch a baseball game.

TERRELLE PRYOR'S 15 MINUTES FINALLY ENDS


Ohio State Buckeye fans can rejoice today while Michigan Wolverines fans can again wonder what in the hell they got themselves into with the Rich Rodriguez hiring as the look at me, no, don't look at me, okay, now look at me prima donna Terrelle Pryor committed to play for Jim Tressel and the Bucknuts.

The nation’s No. 1 football prospect, quarterback Terrelle Pryor, picked the Buckeyes today at Jeannette High School.

Thus ends a major recruiting battle between arch rivals Michigan and Ohio State – the top two schools that the 6-foot-6, 225-pound, dual-threat quarterback was reportedly considering.

Pryor was reportedly leaning toward Ohio State on Feb. 6 – National Signing Day – when he held a news conference to announce he was delaying his decision because he needed more time to make a choice.



Pryor could be the next Vince Young or he could be the next Ryan Perrilloux. It really is up to him. He could be a future great because he has exceptional talent and has the ability to take over games. But on the other hand he could be just another immature prep player who never grasps his talents and throws it away on strippers, guns, and Columbus herpes. We do know one thing for certain and that is we will get a chance to see Pryor get destroyed by a SEC defense in the BCS Title game within the next couple of years. But on the other hand we will get to see him destroy Michigan every year while West Virginia fans laugh and burn couches at DickRod's demise. Either way we all win.

RED SOX VOTE NOT TO PLAY FINAL EXHIBITION GAME, THEY ALSO HATE JAPAN


You know this is the kind of shit that happens when I decide to throw down good, hard earned hooker money on the Boston Red Sox to win the World Series this year. They have to start a fucking mutiny over going to Japan because their overpaid asses are getting paid $40,000 each in stipend pay for one week over seas while their coaches and trainers are not getting paid anything extra besides you know, their overpaid salary...

The Red Sox clubhouse was closed to reporters because of the dispute and the team had not taken the field for batting practice before its last scheduled spring training game in Florida against Toronto.

"We had an agreement," Curt Schilling, one of a handful of Red Sox players who talked with Major League Baseball on ground rules for the trip, told ESPN's Claire Smith.

"Some of the promises have already been taken away, now this," Schilling said. "As far as the players are concerned, [withholding the coaches' bonuses] can't happen."

''When we voted to go to Japan, that was not a unanimous vote,'' Lowell told the Globe, "but we did what our team wanted us to do for Major League Baseball. They promised us the moon and the stars, and then when we committed, they started pulling back. It's not just the coaches, it's the staff, the trainers, a lot of people are affected by this.


Why don't the players, you know the Red Sox players who's median salary last season was $3.5 million on a total payroll of $143 million, dish out some coin from their own deep pockets to help the coaches and the rest of the staff. These fucking multimillionaires are so stupid some times it just baffles me that I help pay for their salaries every year by denying myself good hooker spit and instead choose to chow down a $10 foot long dog while lubing it down with $7 Bud Lights to watch them gingerly jog down to first base on an infield grounder.

I'm sorry but you are not going to make me feel bad for coaches who sit on their asses and say "Back" or "Fuck off Manny that's my weed!" while picking their noses and wondering what massage parlor they are going to hit up after their snooze fest in Japan. Fuck, I will do it for free as long as you pay my plane ticket. Everyone knows the hooker spit over in Japan is top notch and Manny's weed is better than the Northern Light shit you got out West while on Spring Break in college. Let me be that nose picking, orgy loving massage paying overpaid fat coach squeezed in a baseball uniform while scratching my baseball nuts guy.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

PLEASE LADIES MAKE THIS A TREND


Tampa's Tiffany Nicole May decided to break up a boring soccer, futbol, whatever the hell the rest of the world calls it by streaking and showing off her American assets and pride. Sure Tiffany could have gone nude streaking which would have made this video way more entertaining but my hope is that this video inspires other young ladies to sort of "up the ante" in all of sports. Ladies should be inspired by Tiffany's revolutionary act of "streaking" by exposing more of themselves and running out on those athletic fields all across America so I can get through another boring Atlanta Braves or Baltimore Orioles game this season. Instead of the 7th inning stretch we have the 5th inning streak sponsored by Howard Stern Radio. Strictly regulated to attractive looking females I nominate any of the Reef Girls as honorary streakers. Could you imagine a game being interrupted by something like this...

Now that is a world I would love to live in. So come on ladies, get out there and keep the Tiffany revolution alive and well by streaking this upcoming spring and summer at a ball field* near you.

*Presented by Sportscrack LLC

BS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE TO VOTERS TODAY

God bless The Onion for doing this video and one of our best and most lethal political readers Dan the Almighty for sending it to me...


And off the hot presses as we speak, or as MacG points out, Barack is Irish?...


Do you really want a Leprechaun answering the call?

I didn't think so.

Monday, March 17, 2008

TIPS FOR A SOBER ST. PATRICK'S DAY

SPITZER FOR EMPERORS CLUB VIP

NSFW by the way...

I consider myself pretty experienced and knowledgeable when it comes to sexual innuendo but I still have no idea what a Tony Danza is.

2008 NCAA TOURNAMENT ALL-PORNO NAME TEAM


TheDagger has their NCAA Tournament All-Porno name team up and I must say they are extremely lucky Lucious Pusey decided to take a pounding on the football field and not get penetrated playing basketball.

Third team:

G - Desire Gabou, Western Kentucky
G - LeKendric Longmire, Oregon
F - Luis Colon, Kansas State
F - Travis Lay, American
F - Lance Stemler, Indiana

Second team:

G - Dau Jok, Oklahoma
F - Taj Finger, Stanford
F - Gyno Pomare, San Diego
F - Surry Wood, UNC
C - Longar Longar, Oklahoma

And now for your starters:

G - Lee Cummard, BYU
G - Da'Veed Dildy, Stanford
G - Cam Long, George Mason
F - Wayne Chism, Tennessee
F - Alexis Wangmene, Texas


Personally I think my favorite name is Lee Cummard(pictured above accepting his award for best Cummard face) for BYU. It's always fun to make fun of a Mormon on St. Patty's Day. Those poor goofy white bastards are suppose to refrain from all alcohol. Interesting how I do not even have one Mormon friend. My motto is a friend should never come between you and your booze especially on this Christmas Day for alcoholics.

168 POINTS!!


The Seattle Supersonics should probably just pack their bags and move to Oklahoma City already after get destroyed by the Denver Nuggets yesterday 168-116.

Kenyon Martin couldn't believe the box score, so he doesn't expect anybody else to, either.

"A lot of people are going to think it's a misprint," Martin said. "A lot of people will think there's no way they scored that many points. It's unbelievable. There are no words for it."
Can't Stop, Won't Stop
It got ugly fast for the Sonics, who gave up 168 points to the Nuggets, the third-most in regulation in NBA history.

The Nuggets set NBA season highs for points in a half with 84 and points in a game with a 168-116 rout of the Seattle SuperSonics on Sunday night.


The Western Conference in the NBA is so ridiculously good that the Nuggets would not even make the playoffs if they started today despite have a .606 winning percentage. They might as well just take the Eastern Conference and put it down like Old Yeller because they really have no prayer of beating their Western counterparts in the Finals.

Oh yeah, in other related news the Houston Rockets have now won 22 straight despite my idiotic claim they were done and buried once Yao Ming went down with a stress fracture 3 weeks ago.

Holy shit, the NBA really is growing on me this season. Either my brain is getting smaller(most likely) or David Stern is making the game "Fan"tastic once again with guys like Chris Paul, Kobe Bryant, and Lebron James duking it out for MVP honors.

JOIN THE SPORTSCRACK.COM TOURNAMENT POOL


It's that time of the year again to join the 3rd annual Sportscrack.com NCAA Tournament Pool.
We are giving away $75 worth of Sportscrack.com and/or Drinklikechampiontoday.com merchandise to the winner so be sure to sign up as quickly as possible to make sure you are included in the pool. Of course it is free to join so don't be a vagina a puss out on this one.

The winner will have their name plastered on Sportscrack for the world to see to enjoy an endless array of wealth, good luck, and love that will be boundless for years to come.

So click here to join the Sportscrack NCAA Tournament Pool.

I've already heard new UCLA head football coach Rick Neuheisel has like 5 different aliases on our group page. So invite as many people as possible so that dirty douchebag doesn't win it.

DICK VITALE FORGOT TO TAKE HIS MEDS


I am absolutely loving Bob Knight's expression on his face when Vitale starts spitting out his shit about Knight going back to Indiana. Vitale's enthusiasm is great but sometimes he needs to sit back, take one of his crazy pills with some Scotch, and then rethink what he is about to say before actually screaming it in front of millions of viewers.

Shine on you crazy diamond!

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

Friday, March 14, 2008

DUKE UNIVERSITY FLOPPING CAMP


Since the ACC tournament is up and going and despite the overall conference having a horrible season (seriously, Clemson is a fucking 3 seed but at least it's not Big Ten basketball) it is always fun to ridicule those fag floppers at Duke. Shane Battier was a master at the art of douche flopping and has passed on the tradition onto current Dukies such as Greg Paulus. Every time I see Paulus face on television I really just want to punch the guy. Something about him just really irritates me. He is basically the Dane Cook of college basketball. Anyways, you can catch the Duke flopping tonight against the Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech. The spread is 11.5 in favor of the douchebag floppers but I'm calling the upset. Tech is playing good ball right now and will pull the shocker despite Duke going to the free throw stripe 20 more times because of the flopping.

Prediction: Georgia Tech 83 Duke 77

Via WithLeather via The Dagger via WeArethePostmen

FIGURE SKATING AT IT'S FINEST


The picture above is of a female Russian figure skater and the brilliant creator of millions of erections world wide who goes by the name of Anna Semenovich. Yes, her name is Semen-ovich. The Big Lead discovered these NSFW pictures of the lovely Anna who apparently isn't good enough for the Olympics but honestly who gives a shit? This girl would be a rating's boner magnet even if she was a horrible skater for NBC. We need this type of talent in the Olympics. If gay people can get their Brian Boitanos then us straight ugly dudes should be able to get our Anna Semenalloverher.

HIBBERT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOTTERY PICK


After watching a 7-footer completely blow ass yesterday against Villanova I wondered what would have become of Georgetown's Roy Hibbert life if he had decided to skip his senior season to play with hookers and hos in the NBA. See at this time last season Hibbert was being touted as the next great Georgetown center who was almost guaranteed to be a lottery pick(most pundits had him around the 6-11 pick) who would not only be enjoying millions in the bank but also enjoying a life of shitness on the court while laughing his ass off of it because of the money he stole.

Let's take a look at how the 7 foot 2 inch Hibbert did yesterday for the #1 seeded team in the Big East tournament in 14 excruciating minutes of play:
Points: 0
Free Throw Attempts: 0
Assists: 0
Rebounds: 4
Blocked Shots: 0
Turnovers: 4
Fouls: 5

You want to talk about a shitty performance well I think we can all safely assume Hibbert enjoyed one of his worst games of the season. But diving into his statistics this season you have to wonder why people are so enthralled by a big man who should for all intended purposes dominate the college game against smaller competition yet shows night in and out how much he really blows. Hibbert has never averaged over 6.9 rebounds a game in his four year college career. This is a 7-footer we are talking about who is a good 3-7 inches taller than most of the players on the court. Yet the guy can't rebound worth a shit. His 2.3 blocks per game are decent but nowhere near stellar compared to former Georgetown centers Dikembe Mutombo or Alonzo Mourning.

And you would think with the big man struggling so bad and fouling out early in the game that the Hoyas would really struggle to beat a tough Villanova team who are playing their hearts out trying to get in the Big Dance. Negative! Georgetown coasted to an easy 19 point victory despite Hibbert's all-out pathetic performance.

So this basically leaves Hibbert with one last chance to prove to everybody including himself that he is not as bad as his game displays on the court. Tonight against West Virginia in the Madison Square Garden he can live up to his hype and prove himself worthy of being drafted by dominating the paint against the Mountaineers. We can forget about lottery pick but the NBA is full of tall guys who suck balls yet collect millions on payday.

"Hibbert can be that guy," sighs a 5 foot 9 and 1/2 inch sports blogger who got cut from his freshman basketball team because he wasn't "big enough" for the game only to lead an eventual life full of boozing, cursing, and "accidental" masturbation bruises. And no I'm not bitter about giants collecting millions and banging random broads looking to steal their DNA so they can pay their bills because I have the greatest invention right at my finger tips....YouPorn.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

WILL ARNETT IS GOING TO "LIVE FOREVER"


I had no clue Will Arnett could be this funny. This video will go down in infamy and is pretty much a sign we are all going to hell. They need to make a sequel for sure starring former New York Governor Eliot Spritzer. Never mind, I'm sure there is already a video out there called "Spritzer's Delight."

SPORTS REPORTER OF THE YEAR


Reporter Owned By Sled - Watch more free videos
Rob Leth of the Global Television Network in Toronto basically did a complete flip and completed his story all in one motion. I'm sorry but we just need to go out and give this guy a Television Emmy for best report of the year. Personally I would have been spitting up blood and booze from the night before and I sure as hell know that no ESPN reporter could pull off a botched segment like Leth did. Chris Berman would have had everybody fired and their families murdered for such a stunt to embarrass the "Great Swami."

Video HT: Deadspin

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

CAN YOU SAY ILLEGAL SLIDE?


The Tampa Bay Rays and New York Yankees got in a Spring Training brawl today over the intentionally "going for the manbags" slide by Shelley Duncan as pictured above on Akinori Iwamura. Of course this could not have been a dirty play by Duncan because he said just yesterday he would never take out somebody during Spring Training according to the Sun-Sentinel...

"No, not today," Duncan said. "Play the game hard all the time, but we don't believe that kind of stuff is right in spring training."

Okay, so maybe Iwamura must some off hand joke regarding Duncan's first name and how only a Shelley could blow this bad and play for a team named the "Yank"ees.

Fuck, Baseball just needs to start already as I am already getting tired of Jay Bilas commenting about how great the NCAA tournament is for the Cinderella teams and the pageantry of the whole tourney.

Castration picture courtesy of The Sporting Blog

99 WORDS FOR BOOBS


I think we can all say that the world would be a scary place without boobs. I prefer to use the word knockers most of the time or sometimes throw in funbags every once in a while. If you are offended by the boobs song then please leave because I loathe you already. I'm not very discriminating when it comes to knockers but I can say that I saw some of the nastiest big ones just recently in Vegas. At the Tennis Channel Open there was a spectator who just happened to be a porn star besides being an avid tennis fan. I'm not kidding here but I have never been so freaked out by a set of sweater puppets in my life. This Asian porn star who I believe goes by the name of Umi or Uni, something like that, had a couple of back breakers that both weighed over 15 pounds each. Scratch that, her name is Minka. You can find her by doing a google search. It was like two fat midgets hanging on for dear life. Her claim to fame is she has the third biggest rack in the world but is 1st among Asians. Good for her right. And apparently she wins 90% of her matches at the Darling Tennis Center in Vegas because some claim she has a Federer-like game while others think people don't feel like hitting the ball back to her because of her massive boobs. Seriously people, these things were gross beyond gross.

No bigger than D's ladies. Absolutely not a size bigger. It should be the law and the doctor who performed her surgery should be banned for life. Boobs have limits too.

MASCOT FIGHT AT THE SUMMIT CHAMPIONSHIP

Apparently there was a Summit League Championship game last night between IUPUI and Oral Roberts and although 99% of Americans could give a shit about both of those schools basketball teams they do match up well in the mascot department...

Damn, college is so tame compared to when I was in school. Back then we would go to strip bars and slam JD and Golden Grain and absolutely never go to some boring ass college basketball game. Community college sure was fun.

Video HT: WithLeather via other blogs

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

BACK FROM VEGAS

Well, I got in this morning at 5:30 am in Atlanta from a two week hiatus to Las Vegas with what I believe is either a hernia or ulcers. Seriously fuckers, I'm going to the good doctor tomorrow to check it out and make sure it doesn't screw with my alcoholism or chronic masturbation schedule. We wouldn't want that would we? I know this blog has been seriously lagging this past month but at least not much has been going on.

Sure we have the bat shit crazy signings in the NFL and some great NBA Action going on but other than that we are just waiting for March Madness and baseball to finally start. I know this may sound like a bunch of horseshit but when in Vegas I actually enjoy watching NBA games. Of course I have money riding on the games like any other degenerate but the Western Conference is more entertaining than a midget muttering the words "Life is Short" while doing shots of Jack Daniels. So I guess I am kind of promising you some more posts here for your entertainment. Hopefully the doc won't put me out of commission tomorrow and I can resume my daily piss and moan posts with occasional racial jokes while throwing in some sports knowledge. Just some though. What do you think this is a sports blog?

And don't even ask how much I came back down from Vegas. Anybody who goes or roots for Davidson can suck a fart out of my ass too by the way. If those fuckers would have covered the 17 point spread yesterday against a horrible Elon team I would have come back from Vegas with a vengeance. Now I am just hungover and tired...and ready to go back next week!

Viva Las Vegas and Viva La Sportscrack.