BEST BASEBALL NICKNAMES

Sports and Rants has their list of the top nicknames in baseball today and I think The Hammerin Hebrew has to be the best one by far. Ryan Braun is a great young slugger who can't field worth a lick and if there is one name that can make Milwaukee people cream in their oversized pants besides Milwaukee's Best it has to be Hammerin Hebrew.

BETWEEN TWO FERNS WITH ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

I love bananas.

GREATEST BASEBALL SLIDE OF ALL TIME?

Make sure you watch both camera angles on this incredible slide/jump over the catcher. Pretty impressive for a white kid.

TYPICAL NEW YORK YANKEES FAN

Let me take a wild guess here with this typical Yankees fan. First name is either Anthony or Junior. Born, raised, and still lives in New Jersey but claims to be from New York. Drinks more apple martinis than actual beer. Loud and rude while hanging with his buds. Thinks a solid relationship is making out with $5 Jersey whores. Jerks off while crying to "When a man loves a woman." Thinks Derek Jeter is the best shortstop ever and quite possibly the best baseball player ever not named Babe Ruth.

Video HT: Barstool Sports

DERRICK ROSE PRESS CONFERENCE CALLED OFF BECAUSE OF FIGHT?

According to Gary Parrish of CBS Sportsline there was a reason why the Memphis Tigers Athletic Program did not hold a press conference for freshman sensation Derrick Rose to announce his early entry into the NBA Draft: he got in a fight with a football player over a girl.

Other than alcohol I would say the number one cause of fighting between college aged males is always women. Just watch an episode of Real World and see how long it takes till two dudes are scrapping over some barfly in a short skirt. I guess we can't blame Rose for this because he is young and naive like all of us either were or still are as in my case. But you know we will hear an endless amount of chatter from dipshit-know-nothings like Skip Bayless and Todd McShay how this will ruin his draft stock and could wind up costing him millions.

Bullshit is what most people call Bayless' and McShay's words of wisdom. I call it typical ESPN garbage. Anyways, we know the only girl that will cost Rose future millions will be his first wife. It's money in the bag for whomever gets a diamond ring from Rose.

MIGUEL TEJADA LIED ABOUT AGE

Shocking isn't it? Okay, maybe not, but today Houston Astros SS Miguel Tejada confirmed what everybody already knew in that he is older than his listed age of 31. Of course he still might be under estimating his actual age of 33 if you ask baseball scouts.

Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada has told the team he's actually 33, two years older than he's listed in the club's media guide and other baseball records.

Tejada, saying he wanted rid himself of a burden, approached general manager Ed Wade and asked to correct misinformation he gave the Oakland A's when he signed in 1993, the Houston Chronicle reported on its Web site Thursday.

Miggy says he wanted to "rid himself of the burden" of having lied about his age when he came to the States as a teenager to Astros GM Ed Wade. So now the question remains of what else will Miggy reveal as some untruths he has told in the past?

Maybe he did sabotage Rafael Palmeiro after all with those tainted B-12 injections.

Maybe he was on steroids after all even though he still denies ever using the stuff.

Maybe he did tank his overall effort and attitude while playing in Baltimore under the dark curse of Peter Angelos's disgusting snauser even though he maintained his attitude and energy levels remained the same despite the losing.

Maybe he is Julio Franco's long lost twin.

THE NBA CAUSES CONCUSSIONS

We have finally reached the end of the NBA regular season and now get thrust ed into it's second season: The Playoffs. In other words we still have another six exciting weeks till we reach the Finals between the San Antonio Spurs and Boston Celtics. Going out on another limb, I'm going to say the Spurs win yet another Championship securing their place as a NBA Dynasty.

BARACKY: THE MOVIE

I still can't get over the fact that Obama bowled a pathetic 37 a few weeks back but this Rocky montage gets the hopes back up for all the Obama supporters out there. My buddy Andrew and his band BoatCar are playing at an Obama Rally this Saturday in Denver for his "Nation of Change" tour.

Translation for "Nation of Change": someone in the Oval office who actually speaks the English language correctly and doesn't get their grammar lessons from this here blog.

I got to give a little more pub for BoatCar, a self described "original mountain grown funky/jazzy/folky/jammy kinda band" without the heroin addiction and boils on the side of their necks. At least I don't think they are on heroin yet, give them a couple of years when they have really hit the big time. If you are in the Denver area check them out or if you are a promoter be sure to contact them, you won't be disappointed.

BoatCar Myspace Page



"The world would clearly be a better place with more bands like Boat Car."-God

DIRTY SANCHEZ NAMED USC STARTING QB

The mighty filthy USC Trojans named Mark "Dirty" Sanchez as their new starting QB heading into 2008. The ambiguously gay duo of Sanchez and Brian Cushing(pictured above) can now retreat to their completely paid off Hollywood flat (NCAA doesn't frown upon same sex couples in case you were wondering) where they will enjoy a solid spring of turkish mud wrestling while playing hop scotch in between Pete Carroll constant Facebook statements of "enjoying golf in this great southern Cal weather" which is clearly an attempt to land the next Tiger Woods and covert him into his 12th tailback.

Sanchez clearly needs a Sportscrack shirt made in his honor. Be on the lookout for a "Dirty Sanchez" shirt to make it's debut sometime this summer.

TAZER CHAIR

Good thing the dude wasn't looking at porn. That would have been really awkward.

TENNESSEE FOOTBALL: STILL GOING BACKWARDS

Figuratively and literally the Fightin Fulmers continue to bend backwards in their pursuit to be a player in the SEC again. The gruesome picture is courtesy of Wizard of Odds of fullback David Holbert during the final spring scrimmage tearing a couple of ligaments in his now deformed knee.

When asked for comment on the horrible news that the next Jamal Lewis in the collective delusional Volunteers' minds would be out for the season he calmly put down his tenth Soney's BBQ pork sandwich and started whistling Rocky Top.

Yes, Rocky Top, it will always be home sweet home for hillbilly's like you and me.

ALLISON STOKKE: THE COLLEGE YEARS

In case you were wondering and I'm sure you were the internet sensation that is Allison Stokke is now in college. My Chill Pill has all the wonderful pictures of her stick handling abilities while pole vaulting at Cal. There is a joke somewhere in there but I will let you handle it.

THE MASTERS VIDEO

If you are sleep deprived or need to calm down and back away from the ledge because your significant other just left you for your best friend well then watch the Masters. It can literally bore the shit out of you and soothe you to sleep without having to go to the bottle and pills.

NCAA TOURNAMENT WINNER

To whomever won the Sportscrack NCAA Tournament Pool please identify your glorious and genius self by emailing me at matt@sportscrack.com so I can send you your new Sportscrack swag. Fairchild out.

2008 Basketball National Championship Prediction

Kansas 68
Memphis 65

Final Four Predictions

Kansas 76
North Carolina 72

Over/Under on the number of times Billy Packer has an on-air orgasm while watching Tyler Hansbrough make an easy layup look difficult: 10

UCLA 65
Memphis 60

Over/Under on Packer references to Kevin Love being a smart/crafty player: 3552

RANDOM JOKE

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an
attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
'Hi....My name is Carmen', she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family
name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects
the things I enjoy most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'.

ARMCHAIR GM'S 2008 HOTTEST SPORTS WIFE TOURNAMENT

Take a visit to Armchair GM to vote for your favorite sports wife. The 32 women field is a collection of beauties with the lone exception of Eva Longoria. She howls at the full moon when not wearing 10 pounds of foundation. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.
My vote goes to Cheryl Tweedy(pictured above), the wife of soccer player Ashley Cole in case you were wondering.

GOOD ONE GUYS

You have it to hand it to the PTI guys for playing this off really well...

I'm looking forward to this weekend's Final Four because I think it is about time we had the best teams competing against each other for the whole thing. UCLA, North Carolina, Kansas, and Memphis were all the clear cut best teams throughout the season, winning both their regular season and tournament conference championships. This is actually the first time I have ever gotten the Final Four right and if all goes as I planned we will be having an UCLA vs. Kansas Title game match with UCLA winning another one.

BRONSON ARROYO HITS A HOMERUN

Maybe not...get a haircut hippie!