Monday, August 20, 2007
BASEBALL JOKE
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." 
My baseball heaven.
I GUESS I WAS RIGHT
With Michael Vick accepting the plea deal, it now appears we won't see Ookie for 18-36 months. It's disappointing to see someone through away so much talent just so they can hang with their homeboys. But I remember when I wrote an article a couple of seasons ago telling the Falcons they needed to trade Vick because he would never amount to shit as a QB.
Well after I wrote the article I got tons of emails telling me I should quit writing and take up midget clown wrestling for the Jerry Springer show. I thought about it, wrote my replies, and basically told people they would know I was right when Vick is a no-good has-been.
Now here we are. Ookie is going bye-bye for a long time.
The Falcons are as much at fault about this whole situation as Vick is himself. They should have never, never, ever renegotiated his contract before it was even close to up. When you are investing hundreds of millions of dollars into an athlete you should investigate all aspects of that person's life. But they ignored the behavior (water bottle incident, flicking off the Atlanta crowd, his posse stealing a watch, dog fighting) because they thought dumb shit Mexico was telling them the truth.
So congratulations Falcons for not being proactive in a sport that requires it everyday. You should have done your research and not traded Matt Schaub or at least drafted a QB (Brady Quinn would have looked really good in black) with half a fucking brain this offseason. Now Falcon fans can look forward to Joey Harrington...damn, this is going to get ugly here in Atlanta.
Friday, August 17, 2007
BCS BOWL PREDICTIONS
Allstate BCS Championship Game
(BCS No. 1 vs. BCS No. 2) USC vs. LSU
Both of these teams have way too much talent to not at least compete for the rights to go to the game in December. I wouldn't be surprised if LSU has a loss but still gets picked over an undefeated Big East team.
Allstate Sugar
(BCS vs. BCS) Florida vs. West Virginia
The Gators are in it because they lose a heart breaker in the SEC Championship game to LSU, thus denying them a chance to defend their title. West Virginia gets squeezed out because all the pundits nitpick their defense and say they can't compete with big-bad USC.
FedEx Orange
(BCS vs. BCS) Virginia Tech vs. Ohio State
The Hokies get in because they win the ACC. The Buckeyes surprise a lot of people except me and make it to another BCS game by barely edging out the Wisconsin Badgers in the BCS rankings.
Tostitos Fiesta
(BCS vs. BCS) Cal vs. Rutgers
Cal and Rutgers sneak into their first ever BCS games by finishing second in their respective conferences.
Rose Bowl presented by Citi
(BCS vs. BCS) Michigan vs. Texas
Wolverine fans still have nightmares of Vince Young dancing and weaving in their heads.
FURTHER PROOF MAKEUP FUCKS WITH A GUY'S HEAD
About ten minutes ago if you asked me "what do you think about Vanessa Minnillo?" I would have said she is the cute but borderline psychotic girl who used to be on MTV who currently bangs Nick Lachey. But after seeing this naked picture(NSFW) I'm not sure of anything anymore. At first I thought the picture was a fake because her face looks like a bloated chipmunk and her "hair"style is straight out of 70's porn. This is just further proof that a little makeup and some photoshop can change everything. I mean look at her in the above Maxim spread. It's hard to top that. But for all we know she could have been hiding a Mr. Winkie the whole time. Now that I think of it, it is kind of hard to make out her anatomy in the naked pic. I better stop before I start questioning my sexuality.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
JOSE OFFERMAN ATTACK
Since apparently nobody really gives a shit about independent league baseball, here is an entertaining slide show of Jose Offerman attacking some poor sap. All it is missing is some Benny Hill music.
Oh, what the hell, here you go...
Holy shit, I think I just saw Carl Everett in both clips.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS AND NOTES
-USC has lost one of their 5000 five star runningbacks in Emmanuel Moody. According to the LA Times, Moody's decision surprised a lot of players and coaches within the program. Supposedly the Texas native is looking at transferring to Oklahoma State, although it's just a rumor at this point.
-Texas fans just let out a giant "Thank you baby Jesus" as it is now being reported that WR Limas Sweed will be back for the first game against powerhouse Arkansas State. Don't worry Texas Mike, I'm still looking at the 37 point spread and am leaning towards the Longhorns covering. Sweed knows I want my money and he assured me he will be playing and Tim Donaghy(who would be a perfect Big Ten ref because they all are on the take) will be the guest ref.
-Chip Towers of the AJC.com is reporting that Mark Richt is going to get backup QB Joe Cox in almost every game. I'm not sure why he would say such a thing other than the fact he might be afraid Cox is thinking about transferring. If I was Richt it would take a huge lead for me to pull Matthew Stafford in favor of Joe Cox. By huge I mean 70 points of course.
-Can Colorado get any worse? Well apparently they might, now that the head coach Dan Hawkin's son is the leading candidate to be named starting QB. It just makes you wonder if those hippies up in Boulder know anything besides what to pack in their bowl. I feel bad for the Buffaloes. Wait a second, no I don't. It's vengeance for the Rocket's phantom clip call and their 5 down's.
-The Gators are looking for help in the secondary. Maybe Urban Meyer should call up some of Notre Dame's recruits and see what is on their mind.
-Speaking of Notre Dame, it appears the Irish have found a new star on defense in LB Toryan Smith. The Irish haven't had a stud linebacker since Kory Minor was sporting the face shield but it sounds like Smith is going to be a good one come September 1st against Georgia Tech. If Toryan loves to hit guys like he says he does, I hope he goes in with a "fuck those nerds" attitude against the Yellow Jackets.
MARK TEIXEIRA TRIBUTE SONG
It didn't take long for Atlanta Braves fans to jump on the Teixeira bangwagon. After watching him play a flawless first base last night in the sweltering bitch of a heat known as Hotlanta, I must admit I got a little bit of a man crush on Teixeira .
Via Deadspin.
VINCENT CHASE NOW DATING PETRI DISH?
Paris Hilton, or petri dish as I like to call her, was photographed last night with Vinnie Chase from Entourage at the 11th Hour premiere. Now I'm sure half of Hollywood is infected with something, but come on Vinnie!
Paris Hilton? This the same girl who fucked Matt Leinart and then 28 Days Later the whole USC squad was infected with some terrible disease that doctors could only classify as the "Paris"ite. God have mercy on Entourage and USC. God. Have. Mercy.
STILL RECOVERING BUT HERE IS A RECAP
It was so piss hot last night in Atlanta it made a small little miracle happen. When you drink 8 beers in about 6 innings the law of gravity should make you have to stop and take a leak at least once. But I guess when you sweat more than a Hollywood coke whore all the beer just kind of drips off of you.
Last night's game was one of the most spirited and fun to watch. Yes, Barry Bonds made eye contact with me and my 756* shirt in left field as I stood and mocked him with my unoriginal "Balco" chant as he came limping out to left field in the first inning. The first thing I noticed about Barry is he is smaller than the last time I saw him in San Diego three seasons ago. I presumed he stopped using the cattle roids because I didn't hear him moo one time. Now that I think of it, even Barry would enjoy being a cow...
I have to hand it to Barry, he takes a lot of shit and doesn't let it faze him at all. But I guess we already knew this about Barry being Barry: he doesn't care what any of us think about him thus the disregard for actually caring about the integrity of the game.
Yes he hit a homerun and yes some stupid ass people cheered him as he rounded the bases. This is the Atlanta Braves fan factor. Adolph Hitler or Ty Cobb could have been rounding the bases and yet a pack of toothless, jean short wearing, Bass Hat leaning douchebags would be cheering because they have absolutely no clue. It's sad but once you expect it and experience it a lot you come to the realization that there is a small segment of our society which is made up of degenerate embryos that somehow survived. Again, this is a small portion of the Atlanta crowd. Most fans have some sliver of intelligence and just flat out booed because A)he plays for the opposing team, B)Bond's HR just tied up a game, C)the Braves need to win to stay in the playoff hunt, and D)it's Barry fucking Bonds, you can't cheer him.
The game also had 3 ejections. Bobby "The Lord of the Ejection" Cox gone thrown out early when arguing a Tim Hudson balk call. I don't know how anybody can not love Cox. Wait, that didn't sound right. Ryan Klesko got thrown out for arguing balls and strikes and I will be the first to admit he got screwed on the third strike. The pitch was near his chin. Towards the end I believe Bruce Bochy got ejected but I could be wrong, I was knee deep in empty beer bottles.
All in all the game was fun. I couldn't get too rowdy because I counted 4 cops and 5 security guys in our left field section alone. I guess the Braves officials were worried about people not enjoying the future Hall of Famer,greatest player ever visiting Turner field.
HMM, I wonder why?
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
HEADING OFF TO SEE THE FREAK SHOW
Me and the old lady have tickets to the Braves game tonight against the San Francisco Giants(half the team is on Social security by the way) and you can only guess where our seats are located.
132L...which stands for left field bleachers. Yes, yours truly will be right behind Barry Bonds for nine innings.
Will I be drunk? Yes.
Will I remind Barry Bonds he is a piece of shit? Yes.
Will I chant Sid Breams name in honor of the best game I have ever personally attended? Of course.
So if you are watching TBS tonight and hear someone slurring "my shiat has more integritys thanz yourz Mr. Bonds" it will more than likely be coming from my mouth. Anyways, my plan is to come home and tell you the loyal Sportscrack readers what exactly went down...but forgive me if tonight I appear a little off.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY
Ice Cube, aka the poor mans actor's version of Cuba Gooding Jr. these days, had one of the greatest songs/raps back in the day. I have no reason for posting this other than I just ran into it on youtube and felt like giving the readers a little taste into what I used to listen to back in the day. No, I'm not black, but damn, Momma cooked the breakfast with no hog....
WHO'S ASS IS IT?
This might be the easiest one yet. I will give you some clues. She does more blow than the whole 1986 Met's team and blows more pole than Jeff Garcia's fake wife (NSFW).
Click here for answer.
CORWIN'S 3-4 ARMY T-SHIRT
Here is a preview of a new shirt coming out tomorrow for all you Notre Dame fans.
In honor of the new defensive coordinator, Corwin Brown, we decided to make a shirt for people to display the new attitude and philosophy he will bring to the Irish starting this fall.
The first picture is the front of the shirt with the slogan "Corwin's 3-4 Army" and will be available in dark irish green and navy. Both shirts will have gold lettering. 
The second picture is the back of the shirt with the Sportscrack logo along with the slogan "Locked and Loaded."
As always a portion of all t-shirt sales will go to the American Cancer Society.
The price of the shirt is $17.
Shirts will go on sale starting tonight at midnight eastern time.
FURTHER PROOF ARKANSAS WILL LOSE AT LEAST 6 GAMES
Arkansas' off season has been full of crap ever since they lost to Florida in the SEC Championship and it took another bad turn on Monday. Their leading receiver, the 6'6 Giraffe who goes by the name of Marcus Monk is out at least 4-6 weeks with a knee injury.
I'm not a doctor but even I know that knee surgeries are something you just can't slap some Robitussin on it and do some rehab and instantly you are healed. Especially if you are as tall as Monk and have knees similar to Barbaro. I'm not saying we should kill the poor bastard but I do think this is further proof that Arkansas is going to be really bad this season.
Yes, they still have super studs RBs Darren McFadden and Felix Jones but what else? They lost their QB Mitch Mustain. They lost their best defensive players in Jamaal Anderson and Chris Houston. Their coach Houston Nutt is holding on to his sanity by a thread as we speak after all the bullshit he has had to endure from the Arkansas "faith"ful.
Arkansas came out of nowhere last season but this year will be different. Defenses will be keying in on their runningbacks and won't be scared of Dick (Casey Dick that is) hurting them with long sustained drives down their throat. There is just no other way around it...
Arkansas is going to suck Dick.
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