JOE TORRE TURNS DOWN YANKEES
Does anybody really care? I mean yes, it is the New York Yankees and they have 26 World Series Championships and they will no longer have a manager who picks his nose on national television more often than I masturbate, but does it really matter? Baseball managing is like flipping the channel. Just don't fuck it up and know where your strong stations or players are and play them.

They can pay me 1 million, I will drink my ass off, and I will still be able to pencil in a lineup that will win 90 plus games next year. This isn't brain surgery. You need someone to cover up Derek Jeter's dead hookers or sweep away Roger Clemen's cattle pills then I am your man also, just don't expect me to clean
A-Rod's dirty whore infested cup without asking for at least 2 mil.

After hearing Torre turned down a 5 million dollar contract because he wants to die in Florida I pretty much reacted like this kid....

HEISMAN TOP 5
First of all I want to say with strong conviction that just because you beat Notre Dame doesn't make you a Heisman frontrunner. I repeat, just because Matt Ryan and Boston College beat ND last week, you know, the 1-6 Irish, doesn't make him any better than Tim Tebow, Andre Woodson, or Sam Bradford for that matter. I'm so sick and tired of the national media picking up a guy and proclaiming him the leading guy whenever someone beats Notre Dame. I'm a fan of the Irish but even I know we suck donkey balls this year and beating us is like graduating high school: If you can't do it then you should probably just cut your losses and light the candles while you soak in your blood bath.

Speaking of blood bath I got laid this week. No, seriously, and I didn't even have to pay her afterwards. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I just felt like typing it out so everyone could read it. Life must suck when you have to pay for sex all the time, thus my reason why I will never get married. Speaking of marriage I'm tying the knot next May so that must make me the biggest hypocrite in the world but in all honesty(unlike 95% of the rest of this blog)I love the lady and can't wait.

Okay, enough of my boring life, let's talk Heisman.

1. Andre Woodson-He beat LSU. He beat LSU. Again, he beat LSU. -And for everybody in the media who can't imagine a black QB not running for TDs he actually ran for one against LSU while also throwing for 3 in the upset win. So there you go, let your racist tinted glasses dim for a moment and understand that he is on pace to throw for 37 touchdowns and only 7 interceptions in the toughest conference in college football. If he beats Florida this week I think it will be a safe bet to say everybody will be jumping on his bandwagon for the Heisman. I'm already on.

2. Mike Hart-
Let me first start off and say this: I hate Michigan. Always have, always will. But you know what, I also love and respect the way Mike Hart plays the game. If you want to talk about putting it all out on the line and carrying your team I believe we can't look any further than #20 for the maize and blue. If Michigan wins the Big Ten it's not going to be because they have the most talent or the better coaching or the easiest road, it's going to be because of Hart. He might not be as talented as McFadden or as fast as Desean Jackson but the kid knows how to play the game and be a leader. Again, I hate Michigan, but I have no problem with Hart winning the Heisman.

3. Tim Tebow-The Ultimate QB is on pace to throw for 26 TDs while running in another 18 TDs. I mean could you honestly imagine what life is like for Tebow down in Gainesville? He has thousands of hotties wanting to rock his world and yet his Christian background tells him to remain celibate till marriage. No wonder he goes ape shit on opponents on Saturdays. Me on the other hand, I would have semen dripping out of my ears and nose while looking for my next victim like Austin Scott (the room just got very quiet, awesome!).

4. Sam Bradford-

Leads the nation in passing rating and is on pace to throw for 34 TDs and only 7 interceptions with a good chance Oklahoma will make the BCS Championship game. There I said it. Oklahoma will be playing in the BCS Championship because of the play of redshirt freshman Bradford.

5. Matt Ryan-
Look, look, he tore up Notre Dame he has to be the frontrunner, let's compare him to Doug Flutie, look, see, see. Okay, he's good. I will admit that Ryan is one of the top 10 QBs in the college game. But his stats are not impressive enough for me to even consider him a frontrunner for the trophy. He is 40th in the nation in passing rating and you (the national media) want to put him as the frontrunner. Put down the needle, back away from the ledge, and let's get real for a change. Ryan and Boston College will fold faster than origami.

Just missed the cut: Darren McFadden, Chase Daniel, Dennis Dixon, Brian Brohm, Graham Harrell

RANDOM JOKE

Three Guys Go to Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THE FACE RAPE?

Seriously, Texas just face raped a dude and no flag. How can you not see it?

I LOVE YOU WILL MUSCHAMP

I thought my mouth was dirty, but damn, Auburn defensive coach Will Muschamp is one high intensity motherfucker. Seriously, I would go through a motherfucking building for that guy. I guess his language works, Auburn held Darren McFadden and Felix Jones to under 100 total yards rushing combined.

This is just another reason why the SEC beats the shit out of a lot of conferences including those pussy liberal motherfuckers over in the PAC-10.

HT to DeepSouthSports for the clip.

ATLANTA REWARDED WNBA FRANCHISE, NATION LAUGHS
Seriously, what is the point of the WNBA? And why are they now bringing the freak show to Atlanta, a city that really could care less about basketball?

Well now that Atlanta has been awarded(I thought awards were prizes) a WNBA franchise I thought we could come up with some good team names.

Since Atlanta still has a deer population to go along with the smog, how about the Atlanta Nappy Headed Does? It rolls off the tongue. Or maybe the Atlanta Swallows. Okay, that is not right, the Atlanta Spits is more appropriate for a women's franchise.

Well, I've got it started, now you can help out with a kickass team name. Post your comments below and if we come up with a good one we might make a Sportscrack shirt out of it.

FORGET JIMMY CLAUSEN, THIS GUY IS THE NEXT BRADY QUINN
Just watch this interview on Rivals.com and tell me you can't see the similarities between Dayne Crist and Brady Quinn. I'm not ready to throw Clausen under the bus because he is only a freshman, but I think Crist is going to have a way brighter future than him because of his size(6'5), his arm(throws the ball with a lot more velocity), and his leadership abilities(Crist even interviews as well as Brady).

In fact, I will make the bold statement right now: Crist has a better chance of leading Notre Dame to a National Championship in 2009 than Clausen.

The buffoon on the left needs to go.
FIRE DON WADDELL!
As some of you know I am a huge Atlanta Thrashers fan, seriously, I am. They are a NHL hockey team in Atlanta for the uninformed. Anyways, today they fired their head coach Bob Hartley after an abysmal start at 0-6 while being outscored 27-9.

Unfortunately they fired the wrong person.

This season's roster stinks because of the GM Don Waddell. This is the same guy who gave Bobby Holik and Slava Kovloz ridiculous contracts to either come or stay in Atlanta. He traded away first round draft picks for a two month rental of Keith Tkachuk who promptly left Atlanta to go back to St. Louis in the off season. In case you were wondering one of those first round picks is probably going to be the #1 pick in the draft. Fucking brilliant Waddell.

So instead of firing Waddell we fire a head coach who has not only won a Stanley Cup with the Avalanche but also managed a winning record of 136-123-32 for a little over three seasons here in Atlanta and led them to their first playoff berth. Hartley isn't the problem.

Waddell stinks of cheap vodka and brown stained underwear. He went out this off season and picked up two undersized and soft veterans in Todd White and Eric Perrin to center his first two lines! They both are more floppy than Hugh Hefner trying to get hard between cocktails of coke and Viagra. He has one of the most exciting players and scorers in the game in Ilya Kovalchuk but instead of resigning Marc Savard two seasons ago to keep him as Kovy's center man they let him go and have replaced him with absolute garbage.

Simply putting it Waddell has to be fired. The Thrashers are horrible because of the moves of one man alone. His original plan was to have the Thrashers competing for the playoffs and the Stanley Cup on a consistent basis by year 5. Instead it took 7 years to make the playoffs in which they mortgaged the future just to get there and had no contingency plan if the veterans left because of the GM.

FIRE DON WADDELL NOW!

JUDD APATOW JOINS FUNNYORDIE.COM, SPORTSCRACK NEXT?

If he wants to do porn I'm all for it here at Sportscrack. At least that way I would make some money to afford that fancy 1100 calorie salad they sell at Hardees. Nothing makes me more happy than clogging my arteries while eating a fucking salad.

Sorry about the light posting today, I'm still recovering from the Monday Night Football game. Apparently they don't enjoy drunk people in the Georgia Dome because they stop selling beer at the beginning of the third quarter. I know, it's fucking ridiculous is what I thought too. So next time you hear some smart ass announcer say the Falcons fans aren't showing up because they don't care blah blah etc, it's not the real reason. America wants beer and if the Falcons can't provide good drinking fun while watching shitty football then I have no problem with the fans leaving early. Hell, I did it last night.

SOUTH FUCKING FLORIDA
Here is a little video sent my way by MacG with some South Florida tailgating action from this past Saturday. I knew South Florida had some hotties, but damn even fat dudes look like their getting ass down there. So even I could have a chance...



The chances of anybody finishing undefeated this year is slim so I say we take the top 16 teams at the end of the season and make them submit their hottest girls to a lingerie bowl playoff system. The school with the least amount of chub and the most amount of flat out hotness to go along with nudity wins.

In the end we all win.

BAND OF HORSES NEW VIDEO
I got a chance to go see Band of Horses last night at Park Tavern in Atlanta and I must say they are as good if not better live than listening to their CD. They just released their new album "Cease To Begin" last week which I would highly recommend buying. The whole album seems to calm me down when I'm scrambling to figure out other stuff in life including what to make of college football and this nasty rash I've developed. If you haven't had the chance to check out their music you can listen to their new album on their MySpace page and also by visiting their website.

The best part of last night was the concert was free, the beer was cold, and Band of Horses rocked out on a cool fall night in Atlanta. You can catch them on the Late Show with David Letterman this Thursday night. Here is their new video "Is There a Ghost" which premiered today on MTVU...

SPORTSCRACK TOP 10
My head feels like it's going to explode every time I try to put a top 10 together after all these upsets. Can we have just one normal week? Fuck that, this is what makes college football so damn exciting.

1. South Florida-Undefeated and beat two top 20 teams in Auburn and West Virginia. Grothe is fun to watch but with that being said they will probably lose to Rutgers this Thursday.

2. Ohio State-They really haven't played anybody but they are undefeated and have a great defense.

3. Oklahoma-I still can't believe they lost to Colorado, but they have come back to beat both Texas and Missouri.

4. South Carolina-Don't be surprised if Vandy beats them this week.

5. Kentucky-Well, I think we can start the Woodson for H3isman campaign now in Lexington. The game this week against Florida could be more entertaining than an episode of Californication.

6. LSU-The SEC is just too tough to come out undefeated these days especially this year. I rank them behind Kentucky and South Carolina because they lost to Kentucky who lost to South Carolina.

7. Boston College-Untested and really unproven but undefeated no less. Matt Ryan is a good QB but is not Heisman worthy in my opinion.

8. Arizona State-Dennis Erickson has Rudy Carpenter back on track and undefeated.

9. Cal-Almost won despite not having their starting quarterback and a banged up Desean Jackson. I reacted just like Jeff Tedford on the last play of the game.

10. Oregon-I would have them higher but I can't rank them ahead of Cal since they did lose to them. Right pollsters?

Just missed the cut: West Virginia, Florida, Kansas, Missouri, Michigan

IS SOUTH FLORIDA THE #1 TEAM?
They have Auburn and West Virginia as their quality wins and are still undefeated. Will somebody please make an argument why this team should not be #1 after this week. Fucking South Florida, the Bulls, who started playing D1 football 11 years ago, is the best team in the country.

Just shoot me now...or better yet, get me a drink.

WAIT A SECOND, MLB PLAYERS DO PERFORMING ENHANCING DRUGS?
Call me cynical, but I never would have thought there would be more names surfacing in this whole steroids/hgh/cattle roids drama in Major League Baseball. Oh wait, that is why I have been so uninterested in baseball lately.

The latest from Buster Olney is about the George Mitchell probe which is about to reveal a lot more players who were using illegal performance enhancing drugs. So besides the obvious guys at the top of my head like Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Jose Canseco, Miguel Tejada, Albert Pujols, Rick Ankiel, Kyle Farnsworth, Roger Clemens, Chipper Jones, Luis Gonzalez, Brady Anderson, Albert Belle, Brett Boone, Troy Glaus, Jay Gibbons, Brian Roberts,Juan Gonzalez, Ruben Sierra, Julio Franco, Ivan Rodriguez, Eric Gagne, Troy Percival, Andruw Jones, Jim Thome, Todd Helton, Adam Dunn, Jose Valentin, Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio, Andres Galarraga, Larry Walker, Matt Williams, Jeff Kent, Jim Edmonds, Greg Vaughn, Nomar Garciaparra, Cliff Floyd, Tony Batista, Gary Matthew Jr., Eric Chavez, Derrek Lee, Carlos Beltran, Alfonso Soriano, Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Jose Hernandez, Jose Guillen, Moises Alou, Shawn Green, Mo Vaughn, Jeromy Burnitz, Edgar Martinez, Vinny Castilla, Steve Finley, Richie Sexson, Adrian Beltre, Tim Salmon, Todd Helton, Rondell White, Mike Sweeney, Ryan Klesko, Brian Giles, Marcus Giles, Ken Caminiti, Preston Wilson, Paul Konerko, Jermaine Dye, Raul Mondesi, Dante Bichette, Javy Lopez, Mike Lowell, Ray Durham, Carlos Pena, David Segui, Jose Cruz Jr., Damion Easley, Rich Aurilia, Magglio Ordonez, Carlos Lee, and JD Drew that there are actually others involved?

NO WAY!

It's just a matter of time before the shit hits the fan and knowing how incompetent Bud Selig is as a commissioner all together I wouldn't be shocked if it happened right around the start of the World Series.

I love baseball and my hope is the Mitchell investigation will help clean up the sport for good.

Ignore Dawson on the left, you see who that is on the right shotgunning a frosty Miller Lite? It's none other than Justin fucking Timberlake guzzling one at Lambeau Field. Not only has JT gotten the chance to lay the pipe in Jessica Biel, Janet Jackson, Britney Spears (before her breakdown), and Cameron Diaz, but he also gets a chance to be put in a cage in Green Bay and slug beers while others watch.

You don't get it, everything he has done I dream about. Everything besides fucking Dawson of course.

You can see more pictures over at Deadspin.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICK EM DEADLINE
Just a reminder to get your weekly picks in before the 5 pm eastern time deadline for the Sportscrack College Football Pick Em Contest. You have less than 3 hours and plenty of brain cells to kill this weekend while slumped on your couch cursing at Verne Lundquist because he keeps winking at you and telling you sweet nothings.

Okay, well maybe that is just me, but you get the point.

THE WEEKLY LOU HOLTZ PEP TALK

I can hardly understand a quarter of the words he spits out these days but I think Holtz is one hell of a motivator. If only I had a coach of his high energy then maybe I would have done something other with my life than stare at people in malls while thinking about what I was going to do next after finishing this delicious Orange Julius.

Imagine if The Lisp was a sex counselor. "Men you need to get yourself hard in order to penetrate and satisfy that lovely thing you call your wife. Now go out there and get it done."

Or maybe Holtz could have been a general in the Army. Now that I think of it I do believe Holtzie was a general. You want proof, well then you go over there and...

P.S-The clip is from Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy, one of the all-time great comedies that nobody saw because Americans hate Canadians not named Pamela Anderson, Jim Carrey, or Celine Dion. Allthough I do think a lot of Americans hate Celine Dion but maybe not as much as I do.

REGGIE BUSH SCANDAL
With the latest news on the sports marketer apparently giving up evidence he gave Bush and his family $280,000 worth of benefits while at USC on the horizon, it's only a matter of time before USC and Pete Carroll go down hard. It has been a tough couple of weeks for the USC family. First they lose to Stanford, a team that has a fucking tree as a mascot and is named for a color. Then Matt Leinart bitches about his playing time in Arizona only to break his collarbone the same week and end his season. Now the Bush scandal comes back up like an old painful Leinart festering cold sore.

The only way USC will be punished is if the NCAA can prove they knew what was going on at the time. Good luck with that.

When reached for comment, Pete Carroll declined in order to finish up his new commercial, Mister Potato...

HAVE I EVER MENTIONED HOW MUCH I HATE ESPN?
Well, ESPN is up to their same old bullshit and trying to ruin sports for all of us. Read this wonderful article about the digging up of George Gipp's grave for "research" purposes. Seriously, read it before you read my response.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Hold.

Hold.

Must keep in anger. Hulk get mad.

Deep breath.

Okay, I want to know what the rest of the Sportscrack nation thinks about ESPN filming Gipp's body being exhumed for purposes of DNA testing. Whether you are a fan of Notre Dame or not, I would think most of you would cringe at the thought of somebody digging up a loved member of your family or friend for the purposes of exploiting it on television.

I've said it a million times and I think it bears repeating: ESPN AS A WHOLE IS A SOUL LESS PIECE OF CORPORATE SHITBAG WITHOUT ANY RESEMBLENCE OF MORALS OR INTEGRITY TO MANKIND. And this is coming from me, about as soul less as a human being could possibly be. If I think it is sick then I know some Holy Spirit or God is looking down and crossing off souls as we speak.

ESPN to me is more evil than Enron, Ticketmaster, and Barry Bonds put together. Ever since Disney bought them out they have become a horribly biased network covering sports with the purpose of making as much money off it while exploiting anybody in order to make a dime. It is what they are good at and yet we still watch their crap. If only Disney decided to leave sports alone then I'm sure the world would be a much better place instead of the Magical Kingdom of hell they have helped create.

I now wonder if ESPN is trying to dig up Knute Rockne's grave because they have good word from reliable sources that he might be a relative of Hitler who single handidly started the Great Depression with the purpose of destroying America. I think I read it on a ESPN.com rumor page.

R.I.P George Gipp. If only it could be that simple.

REAL MEN OF GENIUS

Clever, I must admit especially coming from a Boston College fan. It's Fredos right to talk trash since they have pretty much owned this series in terms of upsets.

But things are different this Saturday. Backup College comes in as the overwhelming favorite due to a Heisman worthy QB and an origami schedule made of false dreams and irrational thinking. For all intended purposes they should kick Notre Dame's ass.

The Irish have the worst offense in the nation statistically speaking and apparently BC has the Better Christians. So it should be over pretty quickly right?

I think it is about time for BC's dream season to come to an abrupt end. Time for a little community service to right all the wrongs this college football season has become....

BC=Second rate whores always after their money.