Is it just me or does this kind of look like two dudes about to make out on the beach?

For what it's worth the picture is of Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen making out in Miami last week. I think I might be turning gay because I can't help but notice Giselle has kind of a man face going on, like a Steffi Graf kind of deal. I'm looking at this picture and I'm thinking in my head "she looks more like Superman than super model."

Damn, I think I just grossed myself out staring at that dude's chest on the right. Lift some weights pussy!

IRISH LAND ANOTHER STAR RECRUIT
Some how, some way, Notre Dame is still killing in recruiting. They just picked up the #3 tailback in the nation in Jonas Gray, who was previously committed to Nebraska. Don't ask me how or why, but Notre Dame is going to have the #1 recruiting class this season if they can manage to keep all of their verbal commitments.

Now if they lose to Navy or Duke all bets are off. Only then will Notre Dame be really, truly fucked. And I'm not talking about the good fuck where you wake up the next morning and thank God for letting you get a little slice of heaven in the piece of the angel lying next to you. No, I'm talking about the demented fucked-up shit of getting caught with your pants down in Deliverance and Pulp Fiction type of situation.

Yes, I just took you there Zed, now squeal like a pig.

IRISH LAND 5 STAR RECEIVER
Call me crazy but it appears the Notre Dame coaching staff can recruit a hell of a lot better than they coach this year. Despite a terrible performance again on Saturday against arch rival USC, Notre Dame secured a commitment from Michael Floyd, a 6'3 punishing big-play threat receiver they missed out last season when Arrelious Benn chose Illinoi$.

Here is some video highlights of Mike Floyd along with some comments from Mr. Turtleneck.
In fact the Irish now have 20 commitments who are all either at the top of their class in rankings or near it. Here is an article from Scout.com's Mike Frank on the recent success on the Irish recruiting trail which is located at this link:

"The news of five-star wide receiver Michael Floyd committing to Notre Dame over the weekend lifted the spirits of Irish fans after a disappointing loss to USC this past weekend. It also sparked my memory to how well this Irish coaching staff recruits. I think you might even be surprised by how well they're doing.

Anyone who has followed my work over the years knows that I always say one thing about recruiting. I don't care about stars. I only care about knowing which players the Irish wanted early, and how many they landed in the end. That is how I believe you should judge a recruiting class. Rankings are biased, and some players just can't be recruited by Notre Dame. Some are also not a good fit for Notre Dame.

The very first offers that go out by the Irish coaching staff are almost always their top players at any particular position. It's important to know this because then you can judge how well they're doing as the recruiting season unfolds. Using this method of measurement, this staff is hitting a grand slam thus far this year. Let's take a look.

On September 1, 2006, Notre Dame was allowed to offer any junior they wanted in compliance with NCAA regulations. The Irish offered four players on September 1, 2006, Steve Filer, Michael Floyd, Dan Buckner, and Trevor Robinson . Obviously, all four were very high on Notre Dame's wish list, and they currently have two committed and are sitting in pretty good shape with Robinson. If Robinson commits, they'd go 3-for-4 on these four important recruits. But their high hit rate doesn't stop there. Let's take a look.

Quarterback

The Irish coaching staff offered one player—Dayne Crist—and they landed him. Notre Dame was very high on his very strong arm, mobility, and his ability to process information quickly. Many feel Crist has more "upside" than Jimmy Clausen. He has the five-star ranking to back those claims.

Running back

The Irish missed on a few, but that is to be expected considering two freshmen are playing a large role in the Irish offense. Darrell Scott was Notre Dame's first offer, but he showed little interest. The Irish then offered a number of players all at the same time including Ryan Williams, Carlton Thomas, Cyrus Gray and Sam McGuffie. They have recently offered Jonas Gray after he officially visited this weekend. The Irish have a good shot to land at least one of those left on the board. I think they'll only take one--Cyrus or Jonas Gray being the most likely of the bunch. While they didn't get their top guy, they'll be getting a great one none the less.

Wide Receiver

The Irish came out of the gate offering both Floyd and Buckner. Buckner chose Texas over the summer and they then sent out another offer to John Goodman. Right now they have two out of their top three. That is outstanding. The staff will likely want another player, and Jonathan Baldwin , Chris Harper, Deion Walker and Gerell Robinson are still left on the board. All are currently ranked in the top 110 players on Scout.com.

Tight End

Kyle Rudolph is universally known as the top tight end in the country. He was their first offer and he's committed. They then offered three other tight ends— Joseph Fauria, Blake Ayles and Jacob Stoneburner. Fauria, the perfect compliment to Rudolph, committed on his unofficial visit to Notre Dame over the spring. Again, outstanding work by the Irish staff.

Offensive line

The Irish offered Robinson right out of the gate and they have a great shot to land him. The Irish staff then sent out a number of offers early in the year including offers to Mike Adams, Michael Brewster, Braxston Cave, Mike Golic, Jr. , Josh Jenkins, Stephen Good, Lane Clelland and Art Forst. They all pretty much went out at the same time. Thus far the Irish have three of those players committed and are looking for at least one more. Kenneth Page was offered early in the summer, and also is a strong possibility for the Irish. Notre Dame has missed on a number of the above, but they've also landed three and look good for two others at this point. Robinson's commitment would be big for this group, as would Page, but Robinson was obviously very high on their wish list being the first offensive lineman offered.

Nose Tackle

The Irish offered four players right out of the gate—Omar Hunter, Marcus Forston, Brandon Newman and Hafis Williams. I'd say you're doing pretty well when you land three out of your first four offers. I still believe Corwin Brown could've landed Forston had the other two not committed. An outstanding job done by the Irish staff with this much needed position.

Defensive end

Ethan Johnson and Sean Cwynar were the first two players offered at defense end. Chancey Aghayere, Kapron Lewis-Moore and Garrett Goebel we also offered later, but the Irish landed the top two guys they offered. Again, outstanding work by the Irish staff.

Linebacker

Notre Dame needed linebackers in this class, and they went out and offered a ton of linebackers early. Steve Filer was obviously a high priority—mission accomplished. The Irish also offered a number of players like Arthur Brown, Shayne Hale, David Posluszny, Anthony McDonald, Andrew Sweat, Darius Fleming, Brendan Beal and Etienne Sabino. The Irish wanted at least four and got four of their top guys. Yes, Brown and Hale were probably more coveted than some others, but they landed four outstanding prospects out of this group. The only real disappointment was Sabino, but we all know Corwin Brown did all he could to land him. Again, another fantastic job by the Irish coaching staff.

Defensive back

The Irish wanted two corners and one safety in this class. Will Hill and Dan McCarthy were the two safeties offered—both at the same time—they landed McCarthy. Robert Blanton, Jamoris Slaughter and Patrick Johnson were offered at cornerback. They landed Slaughter and Blanton. I'd say that is a very good hit rate.

Notre Dame did look hard at T.J. Bryant, and I'm sure they would've offered him as well eventually, but I'm not sure he was qualified to be admitted into Notre Dame at that early part of the recruiting process.

Final Totals

If you're keeping score, the Irish have now landed at least one of their top two targets at quarterback, wide receiver, tight end, nose tackle, defensive end, linebacker, corner and safety. They still have a chance to land their top player at offensive line.

While not all of these players are considered the top player at their position by Scout.com, they are the top players the Irish identified, qualified, and had interest in Notre Dame. Some players just had no interest, which happens to all schools. But, these were Notre Dame's very top targets of those available to recruit. As a fan, you can't ask for anything more than that.

The Notre Dame football season has been a tough pill to swallow for all Irish fans. Nobody is happy with the results, but better days are just ahead. The next time you feel the urge to vent and take out your frustrations, I strongly recommend you re-read this article. It will give you some perspective of what should be on the way.

The now 20 commitments represent the most talented recruiting class ever assembled at Notre Dame."

Great, now if only we could coach them up for Crist's sake(pun intended).

FINALLY, SOMEBODY SAID IT
I wish I could take credit for this but I can't. This is straight from the mouth of Kissing Suzy Kolber, one of the great blogs out there unlike my piece of shit blog which gets by on fart and boob jokes. Anyways, it's a "Guide to Being an Insufferable A--hole S--tface F--kface Fan of Boston-Area Sports Team."

With the Red Sox advancing to the World Series, Boston College still undefeated, KG moving to the Celtics, and this year’s Patriots in the process of becoming the best team in the history of the NFL (and you’re deluding yourself if you can't accept the reality of that), we are on the verge of witnessing a perfect storm of douchebaggery emanating from the greater Boston area. We’re talking the absolute zenith of self-important fuckfacery. The sky will turn pitch black and rain vinegar upon us all.

I have done all that I can to stop this. I’ve offered bounties, yet NFL defenders remain too dumb, and NFL defensive coaches too incompetent to call for a drop kick right to Tom Brady’s patella. We at KSK have also tried repeatedly hammering the point home that Bill Simmons is a fucking douchebag (see below, or just wait for the next post). It’s a like a political talking point: the more often we say it, the more likely it is to stick in your brain, regardless of whether or not you actually believe it (“Oh, Bill Simmons? Yeah, he’s a douche. No, wait! I kinda used to like him! Damn you, KSK!"). But those efforts have done nothing to stem this growing doucheflood.

We are left with two options. The first option is to cultivate the hatred the rest of the nation has for these people, so that, even when the Patriots or Red Sox win, they cannot savor the victory fully. After all, if there’s any group of fans that has a “Why can’t you be happy for us?” mentality, it’s New England sports fans. Not only do they act douchey when they win. But they fully expect you to jump on the bandwagon with them. Witness Simmons’ infamous Pats-hater bitchfest from earlier in the year, one of the sorriest sports columns ever written.

Boston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is fucking annoying. It doesn’t matter how the other team won. They’re not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. Fuck this “appreciating” other teams shit. Normal fans don’t do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can’t fucking stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he’s not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he’s not gonna grasp much of anything.

So that’s one option. But there is another option, and is, of course, to join them. Is this a lame thing to do? Oh, yeah. Total fuckhead move. But hey, maybe you’re a Dolphins fan and you’ve abandoned all hope. Maybe becoming a dipshit asshole cumguzzler like Jimmy Fallon is your only way to stay happy. I don’t approve, but I’m not here to judge. We at KSK are here for the people, so we’ve come up with a few rules, listed below, of just how to turn yourself into one of these fans. One bonus of becoming an insufferable Boston bandwagon fan is that it gives the rest of us extra ammunition to want to gut New England fans with a paring knife, which I’m more than okay with. Hate feels good. It really gets me through my day.

Lest you think these rules are farcical, I assure you they are not. No one knows the psyche of New England sports fans quite like I do. I went to dipshit prep school in New England. I went to college in New England. My parents have lived in Connecticut for the past 17 years. You might even call me a “total fucking hypocrite,” which is more than fair. I’ve been in the heart of the douche. I’ve worn the fleece. I’ve heard all the God Street Wine songs. I know what it’s all about. I had plenty of opportunities to join the brood. Despite my own history of wanton douchebaggery, I resisted. But I’m still enough of a preppy dicksmack to help you reach your goal. Here now, is how you become one of “them”:

1. Use Manny Ramirez to justify all your stereotypes about Latin Americans, but do NOT use David Ortiz to refute any of them.

2. Bitch about Dane Cook “representing” you while, at the same time, rocking his exact same haircut.

3. Boast about Bill Belichick’s strategic genius as if it is somehow indirectly your doing. You’ll see plenty of New England fans, when seeing another coach fuck up, say to you, “Now, would Belichick do something like that? Hell no. He’d do it totally different.” You see, pointing out Belichick’s acumen is a way of trying to pass it off as your own. He’s smart, which makes you smart! Talk about Belichick the same way a proud father boasts about his child prodigy. You won’t be any more intelligent. In fact, you’ll still be a fucking eggplant. But you’ll feel more intelligent, and that’s nice.

4. Own $1,000 worth of Red Sox merchandise, but no Patriots merchandise whatsoever. The lone exception: The Wes Welker jersey. Pats fans love Wes Welker because he’s white. Just like them! They also love Tedi Bruschi, because he’s kinda white. And hey, that’s not bad either.

5. Be sure to boast about all the hot chicks Tom Brady gets to nail. Because that’s totally something for YOU to brag about.

6. Complain earnestly about how many ads Peyton Manning appears in while continuing to brag about the Pats' O-line being Brady's five layers of protection. Lord knows Brady's never been in an ad for Stetson, or Movado, or Gap, or any of that shit.

7. If you put a five into a jukebox at any sports bar, you must play “Satellite” by the Dave Matthews Band at least once.

8. Act proudly ignorant of things you already know. Like so: “Hey, who was that colored guy in that “Rush Hour” movie? He was all right.” This works even better if you’re a Boston-area college student. Yeah, you go to Tufts, but you have no fackin’ idea who those Maroon 5 faggots are. Sure, buddy. For a walking example of proud stupidity, consult this dumbshit:


9. Be sure to try and distinguish yourself as a “real fan”. All “real” Boston fans must be able to judge their fellow Boston fans' credibility. Never been to Fenway? Poseur. Didn't like the Pat Patriot logo? Bandwagoner. Went to college outside New England? Turncoat. Too young to remember the '86 Celtics? Faggot.

10. Bitch about the Boston accents in any film or TV show. “Yeah, ‘The Depahted’ was fackin’ great, but they don’t talk like that in fackin’ REVEEEEAH!!!!!” Yes, no film could ever accurately depict just how real, how fierce your hardscrabble Newton upbringing was.

11. Adopt the attitude that you, yes you, DESERVE this success. “Hey, we Pats fans know how it used to be back in the day. We earned these titles.” Don’t treat your team’s good fortune as the stroke of good fortune it happens to be. No, no, no. Your championship has to be deeper then someone else’s championship. It has to mean something more. Why? Because you fancy yourself as being introspective. Cockgobbler. Treat it like some sort of karmic reward for Len Bias dying, or some other twisted, idiotic explanation.

12. Always treat your fandom as membership to some kind of exclusive club of super cool people. Like the whole Red Sox Nation thing. Oooh, you guys all root for the same team? How unique! How special! Fucking die. Be sure to adopt a siege mentality when your team is criticized. “Hey, you can’t rip on Papelbon! He’s fackin’ one of us!” Whatever you need to make yourself feel less alone in the world.

13. Be sure to grow your hair out under your artificially aged Red Sox hat so that little hair wings sprout out the side. That looks great.

14. Laugh at your own jokes. You're so funny, guy!

15. Shun Ben Affleck. Embrace Matt Damon. That apples line never gets old!

16. Finally, bitch about everything: critics, certain players who personally disappoint you, etc. They call it New England for a reason. People in England love to fucking complain. You are the newer, even more annoying model.

Follow these rules and I promise you that everyone from the nation’s remaining 44 states will want to rape you with a hammer. But hey, you’re a Boston sports fan now. You’ll be completely ignorant to your own jackassery. That’s the beauty of it. You are now just as fucking annoying as a Notre Dame football fan, or a Duke basketball fan. That's right, Pats fan. That's the level you're at right now. Enjoy your world titles, you fucking cockhog.


You know what, now that I read it again I see a little of me inside those cocknut fuckers. The only difference is my teams that I follow year round(Notre Dame football, Atlanta Thrashers, and Baltimore Orioles) that I root for are horrible and I don't have some jackass accent. But yeah, I whine a lot because I think I could coach my teams better because their suckiness is at an all-time high right now and I generally laugh at my own jokes even while my dogs beg for me to stop. By the way they are the only ones who will listen besides my blow up doll and she is being such a bitch lately with the deflating.

I got a new one for Boston area fans: Tiny cock syndrome from the fear of all black people.

TOUCHDOWN! OTHER GUY

Wait a second, Notre Dame won a bowl game in 1996? My hope is that one day Notre Dame stops schilling for the almighty corporate dollar and gets rid of the NBC contract. Not because of the SNL skit, we all know SNL has been so painfully unfunny for 15 plus years, but because the Irish don't deserve to be covered solely on a major network.

And oh yeah, tear up the Adidas contract too. I love how I'm watching NBC and they are playing a Reggie Bush Adidas commercial showing him winning a Heisman while at USC. Fucking doUSCbags.

WAIT A SECOND, YOU TRYING TO TELL ME...
Christians are lying, cheating assholes? Because there is no way a devout Christian would ever use performance enhancing drugs to prolong or better their career in baseball. I mean if you can't trust a guy like Paul Byrd, who is as devout as they get, are you telling me I can't trust another Jesus loving freak guy like Julio Franco who says the only juice he is on is the Jesus kind.

Fuck, my dentist only gives me a toothbrush when I see him, I'm getting screwed.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE BAD WHEN...
your punter is the player of the game.

Who ya got? Blond or brunette?
WEEKEND PICKS
WARNING: Don't be an idiot and takes these picks to your bookie, instead pick the exact opposite and you might be able to cover that nasty "lost" credit card that some how ended up in a strip club and you have no idea why there would be $4000 in charges as you try to explain to your pissed off wife. Remember, I'm only here for you, the Sportscrack nation and your well being.

Plus I don't want you to be screaming like some pansy named Taylor when you hit a little turbulence in life. So sack up and read these wonderful picks and if they don't win you money you can reach me at 1-800-BLOW-ME.

OKLAHOMA(-30) AT IOWA STATE
The Sooners need to impress the pollsters as much as possible in order to move up in the human rankings and I think they will on Saturday. Iowa State is garbage right now and they won't be able to stop the high powered Sooners offense. Demarco Murray and Malcolm Kelly will both have huge games which will in turn make a close game in the first quarter an absolute blowout by the third quarter.
Prediction: Oklahoma 57 Iowa State 10

MISSISSIPPI STATE(+24) AT WEST VIRGINIA
Sylvester Croom's troops are not playing that bad this year and will come up to Morgantown and hit the Mountaineers in the mouth. West Virginia will pull away in the second half, but I don't see them covering a 3 touchdown and a field goal spread.
Prediction: West Virginia 34 Mississippi State 21

USC AT NOTRE DAME(+17.5)
Both teams have been playing bad throughout the season but I really don't see a reason why USC would be favored by so much. The Trojans have been sleep walking all year and even the plane ride over to South Bend didn't go exactly as smooth as they thought it would. For all intended purposes Notre Dame should get killed in this game but I'm smelling upset with the Irish wearing the old school 1977 uniforms. In a game full of penalties and turnovers, the Irish prevail thanks to a brilliant performance from WR Duval Kamara.
Prediction: Notre Dame 24 USC 20

MICHIGAN STATE(+19) AT OHIO STATE
This season has been stricken with upsets and with South Florida going down against Rutgers last night there is little doubt more upsets are upon us this weekend. The Buckeyes should be able to run the ball against the Spartans which will be the key factor in this game. On the other hand the Spartans will have a tough time running against the Buckeyes tough defense led by their All-American linebacker.
Prediction: Ohio State 27 Michigan State 10

Florida at Kentucky(+6.5)
I'm back and forth with this game and I am still a little shocked Kentucky is almost a touchdown underdog at home against a team with 2 losses. Both Andre Woodson and Tim Tebow will have big games but I like Kentucky's running game because they can actually rely on their running backs instead of just Tebow and WR Percy Harvin. Most people think Kentucky is due for a let down but I don't see it because the Wildcats are again being touted by the pundits as underdogs without a legitimate shot at the SEC Title.
Prediction: Kentucky 31 Florida 28

Kansas at Colorado(+4)
It's time for Kansas fairy tale season to come to an end. If this game was in Lawrence I would more than likely take the Jayhawks but I've seen one undefeated Big 12 team go down in Boulder earlier this season and I see another one in the Sportscrack crystal ball.
Prediction: Colorado 24 Kansas 22

Michigan(-1) at Illinois
The law of averages are kicking in and right now Illinois is not a better team than Michigan. Mike Hart will carry them on his back and this time they will finally be able to stop a running QB in Juice Williams because honestly he isn't very good.
Prediction: Michigan 27 Illinois 14

JOE TORRE TURNS DOWN YANKEES
Does anybody really care? I mean yes, it is the New York Yankees and they have 26 World Series Championships and they will no longer have a manager who picks his nose on national television more often than I masturbate, but does it really matter? Baseball managing is like flipping the channel. Just don't fuck it up and know where your strong stations or players are and play them.

They can pay me 1 million, I will drink my ass off, and I will still be able to pencil in a lineup that will win 90 plus games next year. This isn't brain surgery. You need someone to cover up Derek Jeter's dead hookers or sweep away Roger Clemen's cattle pills then I am your man also, just don't expect me to clean
A-Rod's dirty whore infested cup without asking for at least 2 mil.

After hearing Torre turned down a 5 million dollar contract because he wants to die in Florida I pretty much reacted like this kid....

HEISMAN TOP 5
First of all I want to say with strong conviction that just because you beat Notre Dame doesn't make you a Heisman frontrunner. I repeat, just because Matt Ryan and Boston College beat ND last week, you know, the 1-6 Irish, doesn't make him any better than Tim Tebow, Andre Woodson, or Sam Bradford for that matter. I'm so sick and tired of the national media picking up a guy and proclaiming him the leading guy whenever someone beats Notre Dame. I'm a fan of the Irish but even I know we suck donkey balls this year and beating us is like graduating high school: If you can't do it then you should probably just cut your losses and light the candles while you soak in your blood bath.

Speaking of blood bath I got laid this week. No, seriously, and I didn't even have to pay her afterwards. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I just felt like typing it out so everyone could read it. Life must suck when you have to pay for sex all the time, thus my reason why I will never get married. Speaking of marriage I'm tying the knot next May so that must make me the biggest hypocrite in the world but in all honesty(unlike 95% of the rest of this blog)I love the lady and can't wait.

Okay, enough of my boring life, let's talk Heisman.

1. Andre Woodson-He beat LSU. He beat LSU. Again, he beat LSU. -And for everybody in the media who can't imagine a black QB not running for TDs he actually ran for one against LSU while also throwing for 3 in the upset win. So there you go, let your racist tinted glasses dim for a moment and understand that he is on pace to throw for 37 touchdowns and only 7 interceptions in the toughest conference in college football. If he beats Florida this week I think it will be a safe bet to say everybody will be jumping on his bandwagon for the Heisman. I'm already on.

2. Mike Hart-
Let me first start off and say this: I hate Michigan. Always have, always will. But you know what, I also love and respect the way Mike Hart plays the game. If you want to talk about putting it all out on the line and carrying your team I believe we can't look any further than #20 for the maize and blue. If Michigan wins the Big Ten it's not going to be because they have the most talent or the better coaching or the easiest road, it's going to be because of Hart. He might not be as talented as McFadden or as fast as Desean Jackson but the kid knows how to play the game and be a leader. Again, I hate Michigan, but I have no problem with Hart winning the Heisman.

3. Tim Tebow-The Ultimate QB is on pace to throw for 26 TDs while running in another 18 TDs. I mean could you honestly imagine what life is like for Tebow down in Gainesville? He has thousands of hotties wanting to rock his world and yet his Christian background tells him to remain celibate till marriage. No wonder he goes ape shit on opponents on Saturdays. Me on the other hand, I would have semen dripping out of my ears and nose while looking for my next victim like Austin Scott (the room just got very quiet, awesome!).

4. Sam Bradford-

Leads the nation in passing rating and is on pace to throw for 34 TDs and only 7 interceptions with a good chance Oklahoma will make the BCS Championship game. There I said it. Oklahoma will be playing in the BCS Championship because of the play of redshirt freshman Bradford.

5. Matt Ryan-
Look, look, he tore up Notre Dame he has to be the frontrunner, let's compare him to Doug Flutie, look, see, see. Okay, he's good. I will admit that Ryan is one of the top 10 QBs in the college game. But his stats are not impressive enough for me to even consider him a frontrunner for the trophy. He is 40th in the nation in passing rating and you (the national media) want to put him as the frontrunner. Put down the needle, back away from the ledge, and let's get real for a change. Ryan and Boston College will fold faster than origami.

Just missed the cut: Darren McFadden, Chase Daniel, Dennis Dixon, Brian Brohm, Graham Harrell

RANDOM JOKE

Three Guys Go to Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THE FACE RAPE?

Seriously, Texas just face raped a dude and no flag. How can you not see it?

I LOVE YOU WILL MUSCHAMP

I thought my mouth was dirty, but damn, Auburn defensive coach Will Muschamp is one high intensity motherfucker. Seriously, I would go through a motherfucking building for that guy. I guess his language works, Auburn held Darren McFadden and Felix Jones to under 100 total yards rushing combined.

This is just another reason why the SEC beats the shit out of a lot of conferences including those pussy liberal motherfuckers over in the PAC-10.

HT to DeepSouthSports for the clip.

ATLANTA REWARDED WNBA FRANCHISE, NATION LAUGHS
Seriously, what is the point of the WNBA? And why are they now bringing the freak show to Atlanta, a city that really could care less about basketball?

Well now that Atlanta has been awarded(I thought awards were prizes) a WNBA franchise I thought we could come up with some good team names.

Since Atlanta still has a deer population to go along with the smog, how about the Atlanta Nappy Headed Does? It rolls off the tongue. Or maybe the Atlanta Swallows. Okay, that is not right, the Atlanta Spits is more appropriate for a women's franchise.

Well, I've got it started, now you can help out with a kickass team name. Post your comments below and if we come up with a good one we might make a Sportscrack shirt out of it.

FORGET JIMMY CLAUSEN, THIS GUY IS THE NEXT BRADY QUINN
Just watch this interview on Rivals.com and tell me you can't see the similarities between Dayne Crist and Brady Quinn. I'm not ready to throw Clausen under the bus because he is only a freshman, but I think Crist is going to have a way brighter future than him because of his size(6'5), his arm(throws the ball with a lot more velocity), and his leadership abilities(Crist even interviews as well as Brady).

In fact, I will make the bold statement right now: Crist has a better chance of leading Notre Dame to a National Championship in 2009 than Clausen.

The buffoon on the left needs to go.
FIRE DON WADDELL!
As some of you know I am a huge Atlanta Thrashers fan, seriously, I am. They are a NHL hockey team in Atlanta for the uninformed. Anyways, today they fired their head coach Bob Hartley after an abysmal start at 0-6 while being outscored 27-9.

Unfortunately they fired the wrong person.

This season's roster stinks because of the GM Don Waddell. This is the same guy who gave Bobby Holik and Slava Kovloz ridiculous contracts to either come or stay in Atlanta. He traded away first round draft picks for a two month rental of Keith Tkachuk who promptly left Atlanta to go back to St. Louis in the off season. In case you were wondering one of those first round picks is probably going to be the #1 pick in the draft. Fucking brilliant Waddell.

So instead of firing Waddell we fire a head coach who has not only won a Stanley Cup with the Avalanche but also managed a winning record of 136-123-32 for a little over three seasons here in Atlanta and led them to their first playoff berth. Hartley isn't the problem.

Waddell stinks of cheap vodka and brown stained underwear. He went out this off season and picked up two undersized and soft veterans in Todd White and Eric Perrin to center his first two lines! They both are more floppy than Hugh Hefner trying to get hard between cocktails of coke and Viagra. He has one of the most exciting players and scorers in the game in Ilya Kovalchuk but instead of resigning Marc Savard two seasons ago to keep him as Kovy's center man they let him go and have replaced him with absolute garbage.

Simply putting it Waddell has to be fired. The Thrashers are horrible because of the moves of one man alone. His original plan was to have the Thrashers competing for the playoffs and the Stanley Cup on a consistent basis by year 5. Instead it took 7 years to make the playoffs in which they mortgaged the future just to get there and had no contingency plan if the veterans left because of the GM.

FIRE DON WADDELL NOW!

JUDD APATOW JOINS FUNNYORDIE.COM, SPORTSCRACK NEXT?

If he wants to do porn I'm all for it here at Sportscrack. At least that way I would make some money to afford that fancy 1100 calorie salad they sell at Hardees. Nothing makes me more happy than clogging my arteries while eating a fucking salad.

Sorry about the light posting today, I'm still recovering from the Monday Night Football game. Apparently they don't enjoy drunk people in the Georgia Dome because they stop selling beer at the beginning of the third quarter. I know, it's fucking ridiculous is what I thought too. So next time you hear some smart ass announcer say the Falcons fans aren't showing up because they don't care blah blah etc, it's not the real reason. America wants beer and if the Falcons can't provide good drinking fun while watching shitty football then I have no problem with the fans leaving early. Hell, I did it last night.

SOUTH FUCKING FLORIDA
Here is a little video sent my way by MacG with some South Florida tailgating action from this past Saturday. I knew South Florida had some hotties, but damn even fat dudes look like their getting ass down there. So even I could have a chance...



The chances of anybody finishing undefeated this year is slim so I say we take the top 16 teams at the end of the season and make them submit their hottest girls to a lingerie bowl playoff system. The school with the least amount of chub and the most amount of flat out hotness to go along with nudity wins.

In the end we all win.

BAND OF HORSES NEW VIDEO
I got a chance to go see Band of Horses last night at Park Tavern in Atlanta and I must say they are as good if not better live than listening to their CD. They just released their new album "Cease To Begin" last week which I would highly recommend buying. The whole album seems to calm me down when I'm scrambling to figure out other stuff in life including what to make of college football and this nasty rash I've developed. If you haven't had the chance to check out their music you can listen to their new album on their MySpace page and also by visiting their website.

The best part of last night was the concert was free, the beer was cold, and Band of Horses rocked out on a cool fall night in Atlanta. You can catch them on the Late Show with David Letterman this Thursday night. Here is their new video "Is There a Ghost" which premiered today on MTVU...

SPORTSCRACK TOP 10
My head feels like it's going to explode every time I try to put a top 10 together after all these upsets. Can we have just one normal week? Fuck that, this is what makes college football so damn exciting.

1. South Florida-Undefeated and beat two top 20 teams in Auburn and West Virginia. Grothe is fun to watch but with that being said they will probably lose to Rutgers this Thursday.

2. Ohio State-They really haven't played anybody but they are undefeated and have a great defense.

3. Oklahoma-I still can't believe they lost to Colorado, but they have come back to beat both Texas and Missouri.

4. South Carolina-Don't be surprised if Vandy beats them this week.

5. Kentucky-Well, I think we can start the Woodson for H3isman campaign now in Lexington. The game this week against Florida could be more entertaining than an episode of Californication.

6. LSU-The SEC is just too tough to come out undefeated these days especially this year. I rank them behind Kentucky and South Carolina because they lost to Kentucky who lost to South Carolina.

7. Boston College-Untested and really unproven but undefeated no less. Matt Ryan is a good QB but is not Heisman worthy in my opinion.

8. Arizona State-Dennis Erickson has Rudy Carpenter back on track and undefeated.

9. Cal-Almost won despite not having their starting quarterback and a banged up Desean Jackson. I reacted just like Jeff Tedford on the last play of the game.

10. Oregon-I would have them higher but I can't rank them ahead of Cal since they did lose to them. Right pollsters?

Just missed the cut: West Virginia, Florida, Kansas, Missouri, Michigan