ST. LOUIS CARDINALS FANS ARE SUPER GAY

You know how I know you're gay, you wear a Superman outfit or a McLovin shirt with some John Stockton shorts to Busch Stadium...



Video HT: Deadspin

NEW TARHOLES SHIRT

Sticking with our plan to release a new shirt per day this week we are proud to introduce the TARHOLES shirt. This shirt is perfect for any gameday, tailgate, party, bar, fraternity or sorority, family gathering, gag gift...hell, the possibilities are endless. You will get an endless amount of laughs wearing this shirt as you show Chapel Hill and the UNC crew what you think about their precious Carolina blue.

Chances are you will get laid with it on too. The force is strong with this shirt and it is bound to create conversations that will eventually lead to you getting a promotion on the way to ruling the world while getting chuckles from friends and strangers.

I'm not going to lie to you, I'm going to the Notre Dame-UNC Tarholes football game in Chapel Hill this upcoming fall and I can guarantee you I will be wearing it while tailgating and visiting their bookstore.

You can purchase the shirt by clicking on this link. The shirt is $17 but the response it will receive upon viewing is priceless. Go ahead and show your true colors with this Tarholes shirt straight from Sportscrack.com.

SHAWNE MERRIMAN IS STEROID FREE ON WWE

Clearly one of the best linebackers in the NFL is not on steroids because he is making an appearance on the WWE and none of those guys juice. Fast forward to the 3:40 mark to see the San Diego Chargers linebacker cane one of the wrestlers...

Now that is clearly some good family entertainment.

Video HT: FanIQ

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

NHL
-Don't ask me why but somehow the Pittsburgh Penguins got their asses dominated last night yet still won in triple overtime against the Detroit Red Wings to force a game 6 and send the crowd into a raging riot. Okay the riot never happened and the reason why the Penguins won was because goaltender Marc Andre Fleury had solid velcro in his glove last night. 55 saves the young goaltender turned in last night while Detroit punished and battered the Penguins all night yet still lost the game. The Detroit fans were chanting "We want the Cup!" but Fleury and Petr Sykora whom scored the winning goal decided they would have to settle for the 2 Girls 1 Cup version later on...


MLB
-Chase Utley hit his 21st homerun as the Phillies held off the Reds 5-4 despite Jay Bruce Almighty connecting for his 3rd homerun. Utley now has a homer in 5 straight games and is looking like the early favorite to extend the Phillies streak of MVP awards to 3.

-John Smoltz returned from the DL to blow a save in the ninth against the Marlins but SS Yunel Escobar saved Smoltzie's ass by hitting a walk-off 2 run shot in the botton of the tenth. The Braves so far this season are Superman at home despite playing like little bitches on the road. That was a direct quote from Tim Hudson by the way.

-Carlos crazy fucker Zambrano won his 8th game of the season despite giving up 3 runs in the first because he let his bat do the talking. The crazy asshole had a triple along with 2 other hits and Jim Edmonds collected a couple of doubles and RBI's. I guess old man Edmonds still has it in him.

-David Ortiz was put on the DL with a partially torn sheath in his left wrist. I have no idea what a sheath is but it is probably connected to his Oger vaginal wall which doesn't allow him to fellate and probe Manny Ramirez as he wishes. I'm conflicted by this injury because I really like Big Papi but I hate all things Red Sox but I also have money on the Sox winning the World Series this year. Not to going to lie, money wins out on this one. I hope he comes back healthy.

NBA
-The Finals start in 2 days between 2 teams I have never heard of so we got that going. Oh, the Pistons fired Flip Saunders because of his horrible regular season record of 176-70 with the Pistons and his inability to spoon feed that dipshit with the white circle on top of his head. If you ask me they should have got rid of Rasheed Wallace and not Saunders. Wallace needs a pacifier to quit his crying and his great timing of technicals which screw the Pistons at the most opportune time.

NFL

-The Denver Broncos released super potent sperm producer Travis Henry so he could embark on his life long dream of sperminating women across the entire 50 states during his playing career. The Broncos questioned his commitment to them while impregnating random women across the nation.

-Terrell Owens signed a contract with the Dallas Cowboys that makes him one of the richest wideouts in the league. The new contract should allow Owen's to pursue his dreams of sit ups in his driveway while fashioning a new set of skin tight body suits to be used during contract negotiations called "Le Baby Owens."

-In the redundancy department Odell Thurman got caught again in violation of the league's substance abuse program and will more than likely never play in the NFL again until the Cowboys or Raiders sign him. He faces an "indefinite suspension" which translates to at least a quarter of the season in NFL terms.

RED SOX AND YANKEES FANS ARE CLASSY AND NOT ANNOYING AT ALL

If you ever seem to wonder why I have a general dislike, or shall I say hate for pretty much every single human being who supports the Red Sox and the Yankees, well then watch these videos.

Anybody this chipper and annoying should just be killed or persecuted like the Tibetans...Wo Led Rox!...

Hmm, how about converting her to death by throwing her off the damn wall. I've heard she is the reigning Miss Red Sox winner because she can actually see her belly button and has a full, lice infested set of hair on top of her annoying head. This is very rare to find in Red Sox Nation.

It seems that even the cops in New York just love to break up any possible drunken doucheness debauchery going on at Yankee Stadium by of course ripping off a visiting team's fan hat and throwing it into the crowd. Although it was a Red Sox fan so I can't half blame the officer...

The fan was later torn to pieces and buried under the new Yankee Stadium as a barbaric art of sacrifice for the Johnny Damon curse.

And of course the Red Sox fans had to let Baltimore know this weekend how much they love Manny being Manny after hitting his 500th homerun by doing drunk flips off the dugout at Camden Yards. God, I really hate these Massholes. Win a couple of World Series in 88 years and all of a sudden you think you are God's gift to baseball...


I could seriously kill them all. Literally and not figuratively in case you were wondering.

Videos via Busted Coverage and Deadspin

THE NEW JAY "BRUCE ALMIGHTY" SHIRT AVAILABLE NOW

When you hit a walk-off homerun and manage to hit above .500 in your first week in the Show while helping the Cincinnati Reds win 5 of 6 then you deserve some recognition. Jay Bruce is the Almighty and so we have decided to make a shirt to honor the young rookie out of Texas who is living up to his incredible hype of being the top rated prospect in the minors.

If you are a Reds or Bruce fan this is the perfect t-shirt to you!

The shirt is available now for $17 at BRUCE ALMIGHTY SHIRT and as always a portion of all our shirts sales goes to the American Cancer Society.

And oh yeah, you know you have made it big when Ryan Parker has made a song for you already...

THE MACHINE

Manu Ginobli, otherwise known as the bald Pinocchio puppet cost the Spurs the series and The Machine knows it.

THIS SHOULD BE DONE DAILY TO RED SOX FANS

Fucking loudmouth chowderheads go down quickly when drunk. Hopefully this becomes a time honored tradition where some douchebag Red Sox wannabe fan get leveled by security as soon as they say "Wicked" or "Pissah" or whatever retard language they use while pawking their caw.

Video HT: WithLeather via Big League Stew

WHO ARE YOU IN SEX AND THE CITY

I know, like all the men out there who decided to stop using their penis a long time ago I am soooo super excited about Sex and the City coming out. Seriously, if you go to this movie and have a functional penis please just kill yourself because I already hate you.

And yes, I would soooo be Samantha because I love to have angry sex with men half my age.

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Larry Jones Jr. is now hitting .420 but says it's a shame he has to hit so high in order to get All-Star recognition...

"Honestly it's a shame that I've got to go out and hit .400 for two months to make an All-Star team," Jones said. "It's kind of depressing to me because I've had — to me — what I think are some pretty good first halves, what I think is a pretty good career, and I haven't made an All-Star team since '01. ... But I'll take it. Got to make a splash to get people's attention? Got to make a splash."

Dude, stop being such a fucking meathead and appreciate the recognition you are receiving this year. Sure you are one of the most underrated players in the past 20 years but some of that has to do with your ability to stay injured for periods of time. Listen Chipper, I want to really like you but when you say shit like this it makes you look like a spoiled athlete who doesn't appreciate the greater things in life. Like knocking up random Hooters waitresses.

-Albert Pujols wants his recognition too! Only he lets his bat do the talking while playing through injuries as he proved yesterday with his 13th HR in leading the surprising Cardinals to a 3-2 win over the Astros. King Albert is top 10 in almost every single important offensive category except illegitimate kids. Chipper clearly is leading.

-Rays closer Troy Percival was put on the DL for a sore hamstring (translation: pussy) and will surely cost Fantasy geeks points while he lets his swollen vagina heal. Dan Wheeler appears to be a candidate to replace him as closer along with 3 other guys I have never heard of or want to speak of. The Rays are still in first place by the way with an average attendance less than 15,000 watching this home games in the Tropicana. I guess the Florida trailer trash have not caught Ray's fever yet.

NBA
-So you have the game in hand, all you have to do is run off the clock by holding on to the ball but the spread is 7.5 points and you are only winning by 5. What do you do? Apparently if you are Lakers forward Sasha Vujacic you shoot the god damn ball unless you want to be missing one of your fingers as Awful Announcing points out...


How dare Doug Collins question Vujacic for shooting the ball! Being a degenerate gambler on a regular basis I feel for Vujacic. And yes, I would give him a handshake full of Benjamins right now if I could. Vegas baby, Vegas!

NFL
-Okay Bears fans, you can stop holding your breath now. Brian Urlacher plans to attend the Bears minicamp today. There was thought he might hold out of mandatory football activities with the team because he wanted to renegotiate his contract but then he realized he already signed one in 2003 for $57 million for nine years. Funny how those things just work themselves out.

NHL
-Vancouver Canucks rookie defenseman Luc Bourdon died yesterday after he crashed his motorcycle into a tractor trailer near his hometown in Shippagan, New Brunswick. Sportscrack sends our deepest sympathy and prayers out to the Bourdon family and the Canucks organization. 21 years old is way too young to die.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-SEC coaches voted 9-3 to approve an early signing period for recruits. Of course Urban Meyer doesn't approve because he loves to poach other team's recruits. I like the idea of an early signing period and hope the NCAA will approve it. Too many times kids and their parents are getting paid or given gifts to switch commitments. This way they can just get their money and gifts before Christmas. Remember, it's all about the kids.

2008 WING N' ROCK FEST

If you love beer, wings, rock n rock then I have the perfect festival for you this weekend in Marietta, GA. It's called the River Wing N' Rock Fest sponsored by Gas South and it's at the Marietta Square and it's completely FREE. Expect plenty of babes, brews, sun, killer music, great chicken wings from the finest Atlanta restaurants and of course the finest Sportscrack and Drink Like A Champion Today shirts at the huge Festival.

Yes, we will be representing ourselves at this wonderful festival.

Feel free to get drunk and fat with us this Saturday, May 31st or spread the word as we kick off the summer with a bang at the 3rd Annual Wing N' Rock Festival at Marietta Square.

And just to make this completely clear it is a FREE event and there will be plenty of cold beer with great wings. If you don't come you might as well hand your panties to your significant other because there really is no reason for you to walk this planet.

THE JOSH HAMILTON STORY

SI writer Albert Chen has an excellent article detailing the struggles Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton has gone through in his past with drugs and alcohol to reach the Triple Crown threat he is presently in the major leagues. I've said it before but after you learn the whole story behind Hamilton and his constant battle to stay sober and clean it is nearly impossible not to root for the kid. He can rake with the best of them and it's great to see someone else in the Majors beat crack other than Otis Nixon. Sorry, I had to get that little jab in there on my man Otis. Read the story if you get the chance and if the Texas Rangers ever visit a park near you make sure you buy a ticket just to watch Hamilton take batting practice and interact with the fans. Everyone should have a soft spot for a guy trying to redeem himself.

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Erik Bedard showed his ace stuff last night shutting out the Red Sox for seven innings before Brandon Morrow(future stud closer) came into the 8th and blew 100 mph fastballs past Dustin Pedroia. I actually caught the last few innings and was blown away, literally, how nasty Morrow is out of their pen. He should be their closer over J. J. Putz. His curveball is filthy and his fastball is electric. Who knew a 1-0 game could be this exciting?

-The Braves lost outfielder Matt Diaz to a partial tear to a knee ligament which will leave him sidelined for at least 4 weeks. The Braves activated Rafael Soriano, presumably the closer now, to fill in Diaz spot on the roster. The Brewers beat the Braves 1-0 in what seemed like an extremely boring game opposite of the Red Sox-Mariners game.

-Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports has some interesting trade scenarios for impending free agent pitcher C. C. Sabathia. He thinks the Indians need a slugger in their lineup because they can't score worth a shit this year and recommends either Adam Dunn, Mark Teixeira, Pat Burrell, or Bobby Abreu as possible trade bait for Sabathia because all of them are free agents too. The Braves wouldn't trade Teixeira for Sabathia because he provides Chipper with great protection and it isn't a coincidence that he has been having the best stretch of his career since they put him in front of Tex. I could see the Burrell trade working but the Phillies would have to add some sweetener (prospect) to the deal because Burrell straight up isn't worth a Sabathia. The Indians wouldn't trade with the Yankees for obvious reasons and I'm not sure the Reds have the balls to trade Adam Dunn yet.

NBA
-The Celtics beat the Pistons to go up in the series 3-2. Ray Allen finally woke up from his slump and scored 29 points to help protect Boston's homecourt. The series switches to Detroit tomorrow night. Expect at least 8 deaths in Motown before tipoff.


NHL
-There you go Penguins! Sidney Crosby scored two goals and Marian Hossa put away his tampon and added two assists as the Penguins beat the Red Wings 3-2 in Game 3. Now that the Penguins got some pucks past Chris Osgood it should give them a boost of confidence and perhaps make this Finals interesting. We will see.

THE NEW COACH FOR THE CHICAGO BULLS IS...

Doug Collins. Seriously? Bulls GM John Paxson and chairman Jerry Reinsdorf both think he can help teach the young guys how to play smart basketball and get them back to the playoffs winning championships. I think he took the job because they won the #1 pick and got tired of telling us on TNT about "Me and Michael" Jordan and how they could have done this and that.

A FORMER NOTRE DAME PLAYER HATES HIS LIFE AND OTHERS

Dan Quinn, a former linebacker/crazy person at Notre Dame during the Lou Holtz era apparently has an ax to grind. He let us know that not only did Holtz and others eff him over on his potentially great career as a pile jumper but that he has a great invention called soap water that make you delusional and psychotic all at the same time.

Actually, I had tried some of the soap water last year. It had a label on it: "ND Football 2007." I wouldn't recommend trying it again.

Dan apparently took way too many hits to the head and I'm not sure what he means by going face to face with Frank Stams in the shower. Sounds a little homo erotic there Danny! To fill you in Quinn got suspended from Notre Dame during his days of riding the pine when he was accused of sexual assault and tested positive for steroids. He later went on to sue the University and you can find a ton of his quotes in the book Tarnished Dome which incorrectly details Notre Dame football during the late 80's.

In essence he epitomizes winner in every sarcastic sense of the definition.

Shine on you crazy diamond Dan...

Video HT: FanIQ

MARIAH CAREY THROWS LIKE A DIVA

No one in the States would let the singer throw out the first pitch in their ballpark unless she performed The National Anthem. Thus we get the great first pitch she delivers in Japan. She has an arm that rivals Juan Pierre.

Video HT: FanIQ

USELESS INFORMATION

Forgetting Sarah Marshall's Kristen Bell needs her some Chris Osgood.


-Some guy named Rick Sund is the new GM for the Atlanta Hawks. Exciting news here in Atlanta as this is sure to boost ticket sales through the roof. I'm sure Hawks fans will jump for joy once they hear about the former Seattle Sonics GM whom was fired for a shitty job performance which included leading the Sonics to the dungeon of the NBA is now their new GM. See, sex dungeons are cool and hip. The NBA cellar dungeon not so much. The Hawks will never learn.

-Pete Rose said on the Dan Patrick show that he bet 2 grand a game on the Reds when he was a manager.

"It was like $2,000. That's it," Rose said in the interview. "And it didn't change -- because I know you're going to say, Well betting's all about pitching and stuff like that -- I didn't care who was pitching for me or who was pitching for the opposition. I just made it easy for the guys making the bets and just bet this much every game and that's the way we did it."

Will Rose just go away already. He has been banned from the game since 1989 and nothing he confesses now will change. Face it Pete, you are an asshole who will never get in the Hall of Fame. Say it to yourself ten straight times, or better yet write it down so it registers and start doing new things outside of trying to persuade people you are not an asshole.

-Trev Alberts thinks Notre Dame football is going to return to...oh fuck...don't say it...okay...glory(sigh) this season because Charlie Weis isn't an idiot and the Fighting Irish finally have some talent with experience.

Um, how about I go out on a limb and say Notre Dame wins a minimum of 9 games this season. Can I get Sprint to videotape me while sitting on my roof overlooking Atlanta? And yes, ND will win 9 games and be back in a significant bowl so everyone else in the country can be pissed because ND sells out and their favorite college team doesn't.

-Young starlet Kristen Bell wants to lick Detroit Red Wings goaltender Chris Osgood from head to toe while sipping Fruity Pebbles from his baby arm. Good for her. Actually, great for Chris Osgood! It's just a matter of time before Osgood dumps his wife faster than Lance Armstrong dumped Sheryl Crow once he found out she had cancer. To each it's own.

-Tennis player Ashley Hawkmyload is going to pose for Playboy. No reason for us to buy a Playboy since the internet gives us free access to these things but I'm sure some lonely tennis fan is stringing his racquet while fiddling with his mustache while crying to himself "Now I can know what lies underneath it all Ashley!" Yep, tennis fans are sick and demented only because Bud Collins scares the shit out of me. Fucking clown pants and his sweaty bald head!


Ashley Hawkmyload licks her lips in agreement.

LITTLE LEAGUE FIGHT

Ahhh, the good old days when you could punch somebody for taking your juice box and not worry about going to jail for it. I actually chuckled when I saw this clip because I was involved with a similar incident when I was about 12 years old playing little league baseball. We were slapping hands with the other team after the game and then next thing you know some little asshat on the other team shoves some panties into my teammate buddy's face. Well, needless to say it set me off pretty good and I pummeled the kid after I tackled him to the ground. Of course I got suspended for a couple of games but I will never forget the expression on the kid's face when I beat the shit out of him. Priceless. Damn, I really miss Little League. And to come to think of it I never fully understood why the kid shoved some panties into someone else's face. It must have been a gay ritual or something absolutely bizarre in which my childish mind could never comprehend in my Nintendo playing years.

True story by the way. Somewhere some idiot parent is watching this and reasoning with themselves to bring a gun to a Little League game just in case something like this happens to their child. The name of the parent is Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue by the way.

Video HT: Deadspin

BOOTYFUL GAME

See, soccer is such a beautiful game until you look at it up close and see it will never be taken seriously here in the States till they get rid of bad teeth and offsides. And seriously, who the fuck eats at Burger King anymore? I don't think I've even touched something from Butt King in at least 5 years.

HT: Hot Clicks

STOP IT JANICE, THIS HURTS!

SCARED FAT KID + INSANE LAUGHTER= COMEDIC GOLD