Let this tryout practice video for the New England Euphoria of the Lingerie Football League be a lesson to all those who doubted my fair balanced view on gender in sports. Women should be playing sports...in nothing but lingerie. Case closed.
Video HT: FanIQ
Chicago Cubs:
The Cubbies are coming off a season in which they won a shitload of regular season games but again failed in the postseason. It's now been over a 100 years since the Lovable Losers from the Northside won the World Series but who's counting? Oh yeah, everybody. The Cubs should have one of the best rotations in baseball this year with Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Ryan Dempster, Rich Harden, and Sean Marshall all capable of winning over 15 games a piece with healthy seasons. Any time you have a pitcher with the talent of Harden as your 4th starter then there really is no excuse for the Cubs to struggle this year.
The lineup should be solid too with Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez providing plenty of power in the middle of the order and a healthy Alfonso Soriano adding plenty of plus power from the leadoff spot. Geovany Soto had an excellent rookie season and should continue to improve in his 2nd season. New guy Milton Bradley is coming off his best season ever and is a hobbling time bomb at Wrigley. I have a feeling the Cubs faithful are not going to have fun with this Milton Bradley game. The middle of the defense is decent with Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot, and Kosuke Fukudome but none of them will be feared. It's a good thing the pitching should be excellent including a bullpen with Kevin Gregg, Carlos Marmol, Aaron Heilman, and Jeff Samardzija all capable of mowing down hitters.
Cincinnati Reds:
The Reds have a team with a ton of upside in young pitchers Edison Volquez, Johnny Cueto, Homer Bailey and Micah Owings. If 2 or 3 of them come into their own then the Reds could be a team to look out for in 2009. Bailey needs to throw strikes or he could be relagated to the bullpen. He has the stuff and the talent to be a dominating starter but he has to throw strike one. Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo both need to bounce back from bad 2008 seasons. If they do then the Reds could have the best starting rotation in the National League if the younger guns live up to some of their hype.
Their lineup is nothing to shout about but I do like Jay Bruce and Joey Votto as future All-Stars for years to come. Those two should continue to grow and prosper in Cincinnati but they need more pieces around them for protection. Brandon Phillips is an above average second baseman but all of their other position players are average or below.
The Reds have the potential to surprise a lot of people in 2009 if the pitching comes together. I wouldn't bet on it but I also wouldn't be shocked to see them contend. 2010 could be a special season for the Reds.
Houston Astros:
Roy Oswalt is one of the best pitchers in the game but after him the Astros have little to nothing. Wandy Rodriguez and a washed up Mike Hampton are the #2 and #3 starters. Holy shit! That is bad, real bad. The lineup isn't bad with Lance Berkman, Carlos Lee and Hunter Pence but Miguel Tejada is diminishing faster than you can you say B-12. Ivan Rodriguez is old and still catching.
The Stros are going to be bad. Very bad. If they played in the AL East they would finish with the worst record in baseball.
Milwaukee Brewers:
The Brew Crew are coming off their first playoff appearance since 1982. They have a lineup filled with excellent hitters in J.J. Hardy, Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder and Corey Hart. Mike Cameron should catch a lot of balls in centerfield. He will also be chasing a lot of balls with the Brewers losing both starting pitchers C.C. Sabathia and Ben Sheets to free agency.
The pitching could be atrocious for the Brewers and the defense isn't very good either. The Brewers will score a ton of runs but they will give up even more. They got hit hard by free agency but should be a fun team to watch.
Pittsburgh Pirates:
The Pirates have been horrible for so long(16 years now) yet they still don't have a good farm system which means the current ownership has no idea how to run a successful ship. It's sad because the Pirates should be good. They have a great ballpark, loyal fans and an established history of past greats. But the ownership has no idea what they are doing. They should just let Pedro Alvarez and Andrew McCutchen take their lumps in the big leagues and grow the team from those two.
The Pirates will be one of the worst teams in 2009 and unfortunately it doesn't look like it will get any better in 2010 and beyond.
St. Louis Cardinals:
Never count out the Cardinals especially with proven winners Tony Larussa and Dave Duncan back managing a club that surprised a ton of people in 2008 including myself. They still have the best player in the game in Albert Pujols. He should have another MVP season. Rick Ankiel and Ryan Ludwick are in their peak years and should continue to produce for the Redbirds. The middle infield looks questionable with new guy Khalil Greene expected to bounce back from an off 2008 season. Greene has a hell of a glove so maybe he could be the white, long haired version of the Wizard of Oz.
Duncan did a hell of a job last season with the pitching staff. Adam Wainwright will be the ace of the staff and Kyle Lohse should continue to build off a very successful 2008 season. If Chris Carpenter can come back then the Cardinals could be serious contenders for the division with the Cubs. 2009 should be very interesting in Busch Stadium. If the pitching holds together then watch out. Also keep an eye out for the debut of Colby Rasmus. He has 5 tool skills and should be the Cardinals center fielder of the future.
Sportscrack NL Central predictions:
1. Chicago Cubs
2. St. Louis Cardinals
3. Cincinnati Reds
4. Milwaukee Brewers
5. Houston Astros
6. Pittsburgh Pirates
MVP: Albert Pujols
Rookie of the Year: Colby Rasmus
Coach of the Year: Lou Piniella
Looks like the San Francisco Dipshits are really doing their homework on Matthew Stafford. Never mind that they are picking 10th and he will be long gone before they can select him...
Niners head coach Mike Singletary told KNBR (680 AM) in San Francisco this week that “if you’re going to look at drafting a guy in the first round, and you’re going to pay him millions of dollars, and asking him about a divorce about his parents, if that’s going to be an issue, uhhh, then you know what, maybe he doesn’t belong here.”
Stafford, a potential first-round draft pick, told the Detroit Free Press that the psychologist presumed Stafford had “unfinished business” about his parents’ split in high school.
Via The Onion....
SOUTH BEND, IN—While patrolling the University of Notre Dame campus Friday night, officer Robert Mueller disrupted a party taking place at 131 Frances St. out of sheer pity for its attendees. "At approximately 10:30 p.m., I observed two minors awkwardly drinking beers on the porch outside their home," Mueller wrote in his report of the pathetic infraction. "After approaching the suspects, I immediately scanned the area for rowdy or disorderly conduct, the smell of marijuana smoke, or any signs of possible fun and, finding none, decided to take decisive action. That party was a goddamn embarrassment." Although Mueller felt so sorry for the partygoers that he couldn't bring himself to contact their parents, the relieved college sophomores said they would never forget the crazy night when their Numb3rs viewing party was busted up by the cops.
It's funny how some things work out in Major League Baseball. Chipper Jones and Gary Sheffield are both having Hall of Fame careers yet one just signed an extension to keep him a lifelong Brave and another guy just got released less than a week before the season starts and only 1 home run short of 500.
Chipper who is 36 years old is the only switch hitter in Major League history to bat over .300(.310 currently) with 300 plus home runs in his career. His 408 long balls trails only Mickey Mantle and Eddie Murray in career home runs for a switch hitter. The guy has been banging home runs in Atlanta almost as long as he has been banging Hooters waitresses on the road. I'm sure one of those girls gave him a STD which he used as his excuse for his chronic hamstring injury (translation: herpes flare up) but he is a ballplayer. Did you honestly expect him not to bang them? Didn't think so. He was rewarded for his loyalty to the Braves franchise today by receiving a 3 year contract extension that will pay him handsomely. He can basically order as many Hooters wings and servers as he wants. I'm going to be completely honest with you the readers. I like Chipper. He seems like a good teammate and he has taken less money or deferred it in the past to stay in Atlanta and field a competitive team. This includes renegotiating his contract in order to get better players in Atlanta. Essentially the antithesis of Tom Glavine. Chipper is not a me first player and I respect that.
On the other hand you have Gary Sheffield. The 41 year old designated hitter has worn out his welcome in every city he has played in. Whether it be as a loud mouth know it all in Milwaukee, San Diego, Florida, Los Angeles, Atlanta, New York and now Detroit, Sheffield has always left on bad terms. Don't get me wrong, the guy is a hell of a hitter. I used to emulate his swing with his hands rocking back and forth. But the guy is just an arrogant ME first type of player. The 9-time All Star sits just one home run short of 500 for his career and he is released. That should tell it all. Detroit is missing out on the publicity of Sheffield hitting the historic mark by eating his $14 million in salary just so he will go away. His productivity has declined dramatically with his age but you would think if Sheffield was a good guy then the Tigers would have kept him around. It's a shame and I wonder how the writers who vote for the Hall of Fame will view him. Personally I think he is a Hall of Fame player. His on base percentage is near 40 percent and he has been a serious RBI threat for over 15 years. I would think some team has to pick up Sheffield even if he is a pain in the ass. The publicity of 500 home runs is too much to ignore. I got my fingers crossed for the New York Mets! 
The Chicago Blackhawks learned their lesson. Don't ever punch the goalie. Especially when his name is Roberto Luongo.
Seriously, who the fuck pulls hair in a fight? Somebody get that guy a tampon before he bleeds all over the ice.
With just under a week till the opening pitch I finally decided to get off my lazy ass and start writing some baseball previews. I'm starting off with the National League East because the reigning World Series Champs reside in this division. The Phillies shocked a lot of people including myself by winning their first ring since 1980. Can they repeat? It's doubtful since they will have a large target on their back and with the Braves, Mets, and Marlins all suppose to be better this season. Let's take a look.
Atlanta Braves:
After losing 90 games in 2008 and missing the playoffs for the third year in a row the Braves went on a mission to improve an aging and disabled list riddled starting rotation. They did just that after thankfully striking out in the AJ Burnett sweepstakes. Signing free agent Derek Lowe was enormous. Sure they overpaid but they needed a solid #1 or #2 starter and Lowe is pretty much a guarantee to pitch 200 or more quality innings. They also signed Japanese star Kenshin Kawakami who has been impressive so far in Spring Training. The trade for innings eater Javier Vasquez could be the key to whether or not the Braves contend for a division title this year. If Vasquez and Lowe can both win 15 plus games each then they should be in the thick of the race. Kawakami should baffle a lot of hitters at least this season since he is unknown. Smoltz is gone but the Braves did resign dickface Tom Glavine to a one year, please pitch like Jamie Moyer and not 2008 Glavine contract. The kid I'm really looking forward to seeing pitch is Tommy Hanson. He will start off at AAA Gwinnett (just got my opening day tickets yesterday) but should be up to Atlanta by May if all goes as planned. Tommy K, Hanson Heaters, whatever you want to call him is the best pitching prospect to come out of the Atlanta system since Smoltz and Glavine.
The batting lineup has a ton of question marks. Chipper Jones is the anchor but can he stay healthy? It's doubtful he will play more than 130 games with his wide range of injuries but when he is the lineup the Braves are a completely different team. They will need a big rebound season from fallen star Jeff Francoeur. Frenchy was so atrocious last season he earned himself a demotion. If he could learn not to swing at every fucking pitch like his good buddy Brian McCann then he still has time to be a productive right fielder. If not this season then he needs to be traded. Garrett Anderson was an interesting pickup and should drive in some runs in the middle of the lineup. Middle infielders Kelly Johnson and Yunel Escobar both need to step up their games and have All-Star numbers. Their time is now as both are entering their prime seasons.
The Braves season will come down to pitching. Last year their pitching was terrible and it showed in the loss column. This year they appear to have a solid starting five but will the bullpen be effective? If the bullpen comes together as well as I think the starters will do then the Braves can compete with anybody. It's a big IF though.
Florida Marlins:
The Marlins surprised pretty much every baseball writer by winning 84 games in 2008. They have a ton of young talent including the best shortstop in the game in Hanley Ramirez. Ramirez is signed long term and should be the face of the franchise when he isn't throwing a hissy fit over grooming policies. Center fielder Cameron Maybin will be their leadoff hitter and is expected to steal over 30 bases.
The Marlins are focused on pitching, speed and defense but their payroll limits their effectiveness. They will once again have the lowest payroll in the majors and all though it isn't a precursor to success it would be nice to know they could add some expensive pieces if they are in contention midseason. I just don't see it happening. The Marlins are built to be solid contenders in 2010 and beyond.
New York Mets:
The Amazing Mets, or shall I say Mess, did it again last season letting the Phillies past them in September thanks to a horrible bullpen. They went out and remedied the situation by signing K-Rod to close out games and trading for J.J. Putz to be the setup guy. Putz and K-Rod are 100% better than that shit eating dog of a bullpen they had last year.
David Wright and Jose Reyes remain the focal points of the offense. Both are superstars and Met's fans should be thankful they got two young studs on the left side of their infield. As an Orioles fan I am extremely jealous of the Wright-Reyes combo. Carlos Delgado and Carlos Beltran are both capable of driving in a lot of runs so the offense should be of little issue in the new Citi Field Park. The starting pitching has question marks after Johan Santana. Santana is probably the best pitcher in the game right now but I don't know how much faith you can have in new guys Tim Redding and Freddie Garcia. Not to mention John Maine and Oliver Perez are both capable of bad stretches. I don't see why the Mets try to sign Pedro Martinez. Pedro still has some gas in the tank and if anything could come out of the bullpen too.
Philadelphia Phillies:
This shirt says it all for the Phillies in 2008: PHUCKING PHANTASTIC. The Phillies won it all in 2008 and have pretty much their entire team back minus skirt chaser Pat Burrell. They have legitimate superstars in Cole Hamels, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins and Brad Lidge who all are in their peak seasons. Ageless wonder Jamie Moyer will again be throwing Wills Park junk (I played little league at Wills Park in Alpharetta, GA) that nobody can hit. They even have a wife beater on their team in Brett Myers who could win 18 or more games in 2009.
The worst thing that could happen to the Phillies this year is complacency. Some teams lose their fire after they get their ring. Phillies fans will let them know it if they think they are taking some days off. Complacency shouldn't be an excuse in a city like Philadelphia where their fans are as gunho as a teenager touching their first vagina.
Washington Nationals:
I hope the Nationals fans are prepared for the Adam Dunn experiment. He will hit you 40 plus home runs but he will also miss as many fly balls. Big Donkey is a hit or miss type of player that I could see wearing out his welcome real fast in D.C.
The Nationals didn't acquire much talent this offseason. They got 6'9 headcase Daniel Cabrera for their rotation and Marlins castoff Scott Olsen also. Both will more than likely have horrible seasons. Jordan Zimmerman is a future stud in the rotation who is scheduled to make his major league debut on April 19th. The Nationals have the #1 pick in this year's draft and are expected to take Stephen Strasburg who could be in their rotation by the summer if he signs quickly. Strasburg is being advised by Scott Boras who reportedly wants $50 million for him which is insane. A future rotation of Strasburg and Zimmerman is something to be excited about.
2009 on the other hand isn't. The Nationals should struggle most of the season behind a stagnant offense and some really bad pitching. It would help if they could get a decent GM because they have money to spend on players.
Sportscrack NL East predictions:
1. Philadelphia Phillies
2. Atlanta Braves (Wild Card Winner)
3. New York Mets
4. Florida Marlins
5. Washington Nationals
MVP: Hanley Ramirez
Rookie of the Year: Tommy Hanson
Coach of the Year: Charlie Manuel
I have a feeling Tiger Woods is playing this song today after that clutch performance yesterday in the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Tiger is back and there is little doubt he will compete for the green jacket in Augusta in less than two weeks. If anybody wants to help a brother out with Masters tickets then you know where to reach me. I am willing to barter some PUKE or A-Roids shirts. It's an even trade. No need to do the math. Anyways here is your Monday morning jam...
As Bill Walton would blabber: "Gag me with a spoon!" I'm not a fan of Big Ten basketball because I enjoy high flying, up and down scoring by athletic players who can soar above the rim. Granted the Spartans have some of those guys but it just seems like they aren't a very fun team to watch. But whatever, they are going to Detroit now with Villanova(the favorite to win it in my opinion) and UCONN as well as North Carolina(going out on a limb and saying they will handle the Sooners). Sparty will have home court advantage in beautiful and extremely safe Detroit. So who are you taking to win it all now? I'm going Nova since they beat Pitt, the team I picked to win it all when the brackets came out. Before the season started I thought nobody could beat North Carolina besides themselves. Right now with Ty Lawson (best point guard in the nation) playing they will be difficult to beat.
Who knew a Chihuahua in gay baby blue sweater could be so cool? Admit it, if anyone of us tried to do what this dog does we would piss right in our mouths. This dog is more graceful than Joe Buck taking it in his backside from Tim McCarver.
Video Ht: Joe
Are you fucking serious? Do these people actually make love to these trees? At first I thought this was a joke but it's pretty much clear as my day now that I have cut down all my fucking trees in my backyard that these people are crazy hippies. The ones you can smell from 50 yards in the distance. I just pulled some weeds out of my yards yesterday. Tomorrow these hippies will be protesting my injustice.
I was waiting for just one guy to start chuckling when the lady was crying about the trees. He was probably too scared for fear of being outcast. Then he would have to get like one of those "real jobs" and start making a contribution to actual society. Now that is scary.
Video HT: Bar Stool Sports
I have now completely convinced myself that Notre Dame will beat USC at Notre Dame Stadium on October 17th, 2009. Call it blind faith or homerism but I really think the 2009 Notre Dame football team is going to be special. And not in the Corky or Michigan way. The whole team is basically coming back. The talent is ridiculous right now. There are no more excuses for them not competing with FUSC. Oh yeah, I will also be at the game and Notre Dame has not lost a game I've personally attended since 1990. So write it down bitches. Notre Dame will beat USC. Flame away if you like because I don't give a shit. The Fighting Irish will once again be back on top of the college football world.
Seriously, life is way too short to be pissed off about it all the time. So check out this great site, www.fmylife.com, and get a good laugh while you are at work. A recent favorite of mine is this one:
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie in my basement. I run upstairs and pop a bag of popcorn. Later I come downstairs to find my 10 year old brother sitting next to my girlfriend saying," My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means". FML
Further proof that Lebron James is the best player in the game today...
Video HT: WWTDD
Mizzou lives to play another day. It will be interesting to see how their upbeat tempo game fares against UCONN. You know Thabeet's tall ass will be waiting in the middle.
Anna Kournikova made an appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show last night playing with my heart with that black dress. It was her first time playing beer pong. What a shocker! Speaking of shocker, I wonder if she has ever played that game. I think she would be rather good at it. If you ever need a partner Anna let me know. I got free time and a wicked forehand.
Never watch Fallon but is he always this annoying? Something about him just makes me want to punch him. Must be the beer speaking.
Coming off a 3-9 season was bad enough. Try having your starting quarterback Steven Threet transfer as well as your best offensive player in runningback Sam McGuffie before spring practice too. Sounds great so far for Dick Rod at Michigan. Well then you get this news that Threet's replacement and soon to be starting QB Nick Sheridan is apparently out of spring practice with a broken leg. Ouch.
So now Michigan will be forced to start freshman Tate Forcier, who is at Ann Arbor on early enrollment. Forcier was highly recruited but he isn't Terrelle Pryor talent wise. It could be another horrible season for Dick Rod and his leash will again be tightened. They should have 3 gimme wins with Eastern Michigan, Western Michigan, and Delaware State on the schedule. But other than those 3 cupcakes they have Notre Dame(Irish will win by at least 10 points), Indiana(toss up), Michigan State(Spartans are a better team), Iowa(toss up), Penn State(shouldn't be close),Illinois(Juice and Benn will be tough), Purdue(toss up), Wisconsin(Badgers should be better), and Ohio State(Tressel might rub it in by this time) you could be looking at best a 5 or a 6 win season. The Michigan faithful is not going to be too happy with those results in the first two seasons.
Michigan thought they got the winning lottery ticket when they landed Dick Rod. Right now it looks like they just got Roy Munsoned...
It's always good to see two young, extremely rich people who have done so little in their professional lives have so much spotlight. Granted Reggie Bush has a Heisman Trophy (my phone just rang, it's the Heisman Trust calling saying to pull the Heisman word or they will sue me, I say fuck off!) and garnered plenty of other awards/STD's at USC but what has he really done in the NFL? I will be the first to say that I thought he was going to be an absolute stud coming out of USC. I thought the Texans were nuts to bypass him for Mario Williams. Hindsight obviously shows I'm wrong.
And granted Kim Kardashian is known for her Ray J sex tape and her reality show where she teaches her younger sisters how to poll dance. She has that going for her. But is she really an actress or just a brunette version of Paris Hilton?
I wouldn't throw her out of bed and I wouldn't trade Reggie Bush just yet but I wonder what is the fascination with these two characters. What have they actually produced to garner so much attention? And why the hell am I talking about them? No clue. Other than maybe I enjoy seeing these two try so hard to be relevant. They are both trying to be huge stars but neither can get off the casting couch without their panties or dignity in some producer's mouth. It's kind of sad yet funny too. At least Matt Leinart can look himself in the mirror every morning and say he has no regrets and lived up to his potential...
