JOHN MADDEN TO RETIRE

The NFL already lost one of their voices this week when Harry Kalas passed away doing the thing he loves. Apparently John Madden has followed and decided he would rather eat chicken wings and live his life in solidarity on his bus. That was always Madden's dream and now he can have it. He mentions family for the reason if you wanna buy it...

Madden mentioned his family as a big reason for stepping down.

His 50th wedding anniversary is coming up in December — prime football season when he'd typically be on the road. And his grandchildren —his oldest, Sam is 8 — are now old enough to know "when I'm not around,'' Madden said.

"You add up everything and it's the right time,'' he said. "There is nothing wrong with me. Nothing. But at some point, you know you've got to do this. The thing that makes it so hard is that I enjoyed it so damn much. That's why it took me so long.''

Love him or hate him Madden has introduced a generation of video game dorks to the NFL. Myself included. I could never really understand Madden when he announced football games and often times it seemed like he couldn't understand himself. The mumbling got annoying on NBC Sunday Night games. The magic was gone. Cris Collinsworth will replace him and he should be an instant upgrade.

Madden can move on to do other things. Eat wings, play with his grandchildren, sit in his Madden bus and wipe away the tears as he reminisces about all those wonderful Brett Favre moments. And of course do Vagisil commercials...

JOE MONTANA AND ROCKET ISMAIL SIGNED JERSEYS FOR ONE LOW PRICE

I only got one of these specials to offer. For $250 you get a Joe Montana autographed green Notre Dame jersey with sewn on numbers and letters and I will throw in a Rocket Ismail autographed navy replica Notre Dame jersey for free. The Montana jersey comes with the Joe Montana hologram along with a certificate of authenticity. Market value for the Montana jersey is as high as $700 and the Rocket jersey which are impossible to find go for as much as $175.

I have two of the Montana jerseys but only one Rocket jersey. The Rocket jersey I got personally at the College Football Hall of Fame autograph show I did back in September of last year. I will include a certificate of authenticity from Sportscrack.com for the Rocket Ismail signed replica ND jersey.

First come first serve. I only got one Rocket jersey to offer. If you are interested in just the Montana jersey I can do it for $225.

Here is the link for the Montana and Rocket autograph jersey combo for only $250.

NHL PLAYOFFS START TONIGHT, WILL YOU BE WATCHING?

I feel bad for saying this but I don't think I will be watching too much NHL Playoff action this year. I got turned off this season by the Atlanta Thrashers. The Thrashers are so ass backwards right now it's not even remotely fun to watch. For me it was on par with watching Notre Dame football the past two seasons. You get pissed, frustrated, and start questioning why you even waste your time watching it when all you want to do is finish off the case of beer to make the voices in your head blackout. So yeah, I'm a dick for not watching any hockey this season. Call me fair weather. I deserve it. And since I watched so little this season I doubt I will watch much of the playoffs. My energy and focus is on Major League baseball right now with the Baltimore Orioles leading their division and the Atlanta Braves looking like serious contenders in the National League. Oh yeah, Notre Dame's Blue and Gold game is this weekend too. The Fighting Irish are going to be very good in 2009. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a fan. I'm saying it because I believe they have the talent and experience plus a weak ass schedule to make 2009 a special one.

And in regards to the Boston Bruins commercial above I have to give a high five to the Bruin. You don't date the enemy. Ever. Let alone buy her a beer. Traitor.

NOVAK DJOKOVIC IS DON JUAN AND RESOURCEFUL

Who knew that Djokovic was in a boy band? I didn't. The old lady rubbing him down with oil is pretty hot. I felt tingles in my naughty place. I will just go now.

Video HT: FanIQ

JOSH BECKETT SUSPENDED 6 GAMES FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE

Whether or not you are a Red Sox fan or hater you have to agree that Boston pitcher Josh Beckett deserved to get suspended by Major League Baseball. You don't throw at somebody's head because they call time. If his head was Mark you know who then that is okay. But not Bobby Abreu and the Anaheim Angels after the rough and emotional week they went through with Nick Adenhart's sudden death. Beckett deserves the 6 game suspension because he didn't apologize for the intentional throw and because he was a dick trying to start a fight after he threw the pitch.

Things are not starting off too hot in Boston. 2-5 record. Dustin Pedroia has a brother who likes little boys and girls and thus his hometown hates him as does he. And the red hot, division leading Baltimore Orioles are coming to Beantown this weekend. Things are getting very interesting. Surely Boston has to recover as it's only a week into the season but what if they don't? The Detroit Tigers never recovered last season. And they played in a much easier division then Boston. Ruh roh.

RICKIE WEEKS WITH THE FACIAL

In honor of porn star Marilyn Chambers, who passed away today, Milwaukee Brewers second baseman does his best impersonation of a facial...

Marilyn would have been proud. She took facials like a champ and so did Weeks on this pitch. Mike Piazza took in the rear at the christening of Citi Park to pay his respects. True story.

Big props goes out to Weeks. The guy actually stayed in the game. Ladainian Tomlinson could learn something from Weeks. How not to be a pussy.

R.I.P HARRY KALAS

It's been a tough week for baseball fans. First we lose 22 year old pitching sensation Nick Adenhart of the Anaheim Angels and then today we lose legendary Phillies Hall of Fame announcer Harry Kalas as the age of 73. Kalas with his distinctive voice that used to crackle "Outta here" will be sorely missed to not only Philly fans but sports fans worldwide. He provided voice over commentary for NFL Films which made him sound like God. Seriously, as a kid I thought Kalas voice was God. Here is how I will choose to remember Kalas, as the play-by-play Phillies announcer since 1971 calling the final out of the 2008 World Series...

PRETTY BALLSY MOVE BY RAY ALLEN

As if getting their asses kicked on national television wasn't worse enough, what in the hell happened to the Celtic's Ray Allen yesterday? I know the heat of the battle can get the most of some people but I have never thought about elbowing some guy in the nuts. He might as well used Varejao balls as a speedbag. That's just low man. Real low. Too low. Ray Allen better get suspended for a while by David Stern.

The Celtics are crumbling quickly. Ever since they got Starbury they haven't seemed the same. It was a bad move chemistry wise and it doesn't help to lose KG for an extended period of time. Right now the Cavs have to be the overwhelming favorite in the East because they will have home court advantage and have lost just one game in Cleveland all season. Plus they got the best player in the game in Lebron and have the experience of reaching a NBA Finals.

But what about the Magic with Dwight Howard and the Atlanta Hawks with a team that almost beat the Celtics in the first round last year? Could they come up with a couple of upsets and win the East? Sure they could but my money right now is on the Cavaliers. When you get guys like Ray Allen taking low blows then you know people fear you. Right now the Cavaliers are scaring a lot of people.

Video HT: TheBigLead

MVPUJOLS SHIRT

We got another brand new, completely original Sportscrack Tee called MVPUJOLS. For the low price of $17 you can show your support for the 2-time MVP with this great red, navy, and white MVPUJOLS shirt. Only available at the Sportscrack Store, this trademarked designed shirt is a hit at any ballpark Phat Albert clobbers long balls at this season.

Get one before the Machine finds you and has to eliminate you...

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

Sublime could have gone on to do even more great things if lead singer Bradley Nowell didn't die of a heroin overdose. At least they left us with this awesome jam...Santeria.

BOOB GRAB CAUGHT AT THE MASTERS

Other than this random boob grab on the 15th hole yesterday the Masters coverage on ESPN and CBS sucked. As you probably know I'm not a huge golf fan but I love to watch the Masters. It's suppose to be the best golf tournament in the world yet we only get 3-4 hours of live coverage per day? I want to see every hole and not just the back nine with the leaders. They didn't start live coverage till 3:30 on Saturday which meant all of America missed Tiger's third round for the most part. That seems pretty smart on their part. The one player that everybody identifies with and knows is shown for all of ten minutes finishing up his round. I was forced to watch the coverage on the internet via masters.org which just isn't the same as watching it on live HD television.

Both Tiger and especially Phil put on a hell of a show. Phil's front nine 30 was one of the best stretches of clutch golf that I have ever seen. I don't like Phil but I found myself rooting for him. You could see Tiger seething as Phil was getting the crowd behind him. Both players would wind up non factors though as Kenny Perry appeared to be on the cusp of winning his first major. A Masters green jacket no less. But then it all came crashing down. He finished bogey bogey on 17th and 18th to blow a two stroke lead and force a 3 man sudden death playoff with Chad Campbell and Angel Cabrera.

And of course the one guy who doesn't speak English wins as Cabrera captured his second major on the 2nd playoff hole because Perry and Campbell choked. It was memorable because of the Perry choke. It could have been even more memorable if we could have the option of watching more coverage starting in the morning. They only play this little golf tournament once a year. I don't think it's asking too much to start showing live coverage beginning at 10 am all four rounds. If I want it I sure as hell know golf fanatics want it.

And more boob grabs too while were at it.

Video HT: Deadspin

GIANTS JOE MARTINEZ HIT WITH MIKE CAMERON'S LINE DRIVE

That a way to use your head out there Martinez...


Last I heard Martinez will be okay. The ball hit so hard off his noggin it ricocheted into the stands. Pretty heads up if you ask me.

Video HT: Joe

LET'S LIGHTEN UP THE MOOD WITH ROLLERTOWN

"DAD, What's a double dicker?"...is that the main character from Kids? You know, the one with the messed up New York accent who always wanted to hit up the virgins. Kids was so disturbing I can still never go back to New York without thinking of those characters. I'm going to take a hot bath in vinegar and tears right now.

R.I.P NICK ADENHART

Horrible news out of Anaheim this morning as it was learned that Anaheim Angels rookie pitcher Nick Adenhart was killed in a hit-and-run accident shortly after pitching the best game of his young major league career. Just 22 years old and making his 4th big league start, Adenhart pitched 6 scoreless innings last night while striking out 5 against the Oakland A's. Adenhart was a highly regarded prospect out of Silver Springs, MD who was expected to fortify an Angels rotation this year with injuries to 3 of their starters including John Lackey, Kelvin Escobar, and Ervin Santana.

I've followed Adenhart's career pretty closely since he was drafted. As a Maryland boy I was hoping somehow he could be traded to his hometown Orioles this past offseason. It sucks to see someone so young be taken so quickly. It appears his father got a chance to maybe say goodbye to his son according to the Baltimore Sun...

"His father flew out here from Baltimore to watch him start last night, so his father is here, obviously going through a great deal of grief," Angels spokesman Tim Mead said at the stadium.

My heartfelt condolences go out to the Adenhart family and friends as well as the Angels organization. There are no jokes to be written. I will pour one out for Adenhart tonight.

SOME TOURNAMENT CALLED THE MASTERS IS UNDERWAY

This shitty video footage is from Tuesday at the Masters with Vijay Singh skipping a shot over the water and getting a hole-in-one. Tiger laughed when told about the shot and simply walked over water. He placed the ball into the hole when all of a sudden the clouds parted and the songs of angels and sunlight came down from the skies showing that Tiger is the true God of Golf.

Is there really any doubt Tiger will win this tournament? It appears Vegas thinks Tiger is pretty much a cinch to win his 5th green jacket. Here are the odds for the top 10 guys...

Tiger Woods 4/11
Phil Mickelson 7/5
Padraig Harrington 11/4
Geoff Ogilvy 3/1
Retief Goosen 4/1
Sergio Garcia 9/2
Paul Casey 9/2
Ernie Els 5/1
Rory McIlroy 5/1
Anthony Kim 11/2

So you would literally have to throw down 110 bucks to win back 40. Those are some sick odds. A lot of people think Mickelson will be there with him on the final day but I don't think so. If anyone has a chance it's Padraig Harrington who has a chance to win his third major in a row. It would make a hell of a story this weekend if Tiger and the Fighting Irishman were battling hole-to-hole to number 72.

Oh yeah, why is Sergio Garcia listed at 9/2? Garcia is notorious for taking his sweet time to hit the ball and for not winning a major. He won't this weekend either. The guy just doesn't have it. I blame it on Martina Hingis. She royally fucked up his luck.

PREDICTION: Tiger wins by 2 strokes over Harrington.

BRITNEY SPEARS WORDS OF WISDOM

This was in Vancouver last night at Britney's Circus Tour. Apparently she walked off stage at one point in the show because she smelled weed. In Canada the weed laws are not enforced with such brute force as they are here in the States. Law enforcement accepts for what it is...a way to get high and why are you not passing it over here. Puff puff give mofo. So anywho Britney spouts off these words of wisdom to all her Canadian fans, this coming from a girl who shaved her head and shows off her box at the drop of a dime...

"Thank you Vancouver. Drive safe, don't smoke weed and rock out with your cock out. Peace out mother fuckers!"

Yes, Britney is back and more dirty than ever. God blessed her in so many ways. What an angel.

Video HT: WWTDD

KOJI MANIA

If Koji Uehara hits T-Bag Teixeira in the neck he will instantly become a cult hero in Baltimore. By next week they will have a bronze statue with his goofy smile right next to the Babe statue. I'm just saying....Go Koji! Go O's! FU T-Bag!

BRAVES BULLPEN HAS SOME PROBLEMS

Time to call up Tommy Hanson. The Braves bullpen simply can't throw strikes. They walked in four guys in one inning while also hitting another batter, blowing a 7 run lead in the 7th inning. This loss hurts big time for the Braves. And yes, I am available to throw strikes over the plate Frank Wren. Just wanna throw that out there.

ERECTIONS REJOICE FOR JESSICA BIEL TOPLESS SCENE

Jessica Biel would like to get something off her chest. Everything in fact. The scene is from her new movie called Powder Blue where she plays a stripper. One can only hope she has a Halle Berry type Monster's Ball scene to help her win that elusive Oscar.

Video HT: Barstool Sports

Here is a Biel practice video for "research" purposes...

ALREADY PHILLIES FANS ARE FREAKING OUT

Only 2 games into the season and there are already riots among Phillies fan over their play. Come on guys, there are still 160 games left to catch up with the Atlanta Braves. Go spread some Whiz over your vaginas and buck up. Remember who won the championship last year...