BASEBALL RUMBLINGS

-Everyone knows Carlos Zambrano is a hot head. The guy melts down faster than an ice cube on the Devil's dick. I think Zambrano was just doing his best Kenny Powers impression. He was obviously inspired by Kenny's words of wisdom such as "You're fucking out!" Look, Zambrano had a right to be angry because he thought he tagged the runner out. Replays showed the runner might have just gotten in before the tag was applied. It doesn't matter. I love to see baseball players get fired up. It shows they have heart and want to win. And don't worry about that little bump they talked about. The umpire bumped into Zambrano. One other thing we found out about Zambrano after this freak out: he prefers Powerade.

-What the fuck are the Atlanta Braves doing? Have you seen their outfield production? Oh yeah, you haven't because there is none. Jordan Schafer has no right whatsoever to be in the major leagues right now. But yet everyday Bobby Cox trots him out to centerfield for his obligatory 3-4 K's a game. The kid is so overmatched right now it's not even funny. He can't hit an inside curveball to save his life and yet hitting coach Terry Pendleton has done nothing to correct his swing or position in the box to help him. If he can't be helped in Atlanta he needs to be sent down. Same with Jeff Francoeur. Frenchy is terrible at the plate. I love his arm and defense in the outfield but the guy just hasn't adjusted to major league pitching. Maybe Bobby Cox knows something that I don't but I can not for the life of me see these guys make drastic improvements. The Braves offense is anemic because of Frenchy, Schafer, and Garrett Anderson. GM Frank Wren needs to make a move to get a power bat for the outfield. The Braves have the pitching to compete with anybody but they can't score any runs. Or maybe they need to fire Pendleton. If I were the Braves GM I would fire Pendleton, send Schafer down, and trade Frenchy plus some other spare pitching parts(Charlie Morton, Medlen, etc.) for a proven slugger. Matt Holliday could be available. The Orioles are willing to listen to offers for Aubrey Huff. Make some phone calls Wren. Turn this team around.

-Zack Greinke is reminding me of Pedro Martinez when he first appeared in Boston. Zack Attack is almost untouchable right now when he steps on the mound. I actually expect him to throw a no-hitter this year. We are already almost a third of the way through the season and his ERA is still below 1.00. He has 5 complete games. If this guy pitched for one of the East Coast teams he would be considered the greatest pitcher ever. Well, it doesn't matter because he is pitching in KC and bringing back the fans to Kauffman. I want to see the Royals compete for their division almost as badly as I want to watch Greinke pitch. The loyal Royals fans who have stuck by their team deserve it.

THE FREAK 55 SAN FRANCISCO SHIRT

We got a brand new shirt called The Freak in honor of Tim Lincecum. Lincecum has been lights out this season after dominating the National League last season in winning his first Cy Young. Affectionately called "The Freak" by teammates and fans, now you can wear the shirt to support your favorite player. The shirt has a distressed design to give it a vintage look and feel to it.

SPORTSCRACK STORE PAGE

NOLAN REIMOLD IS THE MAN!

WALK OFF 3 RUN HOMERUN IN THE BOTTOM OF THE 11TH TO WIN THE GAME! A sweep of the Blue Jays, their first since 1994. Plus I saw a fan wearing a Nick the Stick shirt right before Reimold hit the laser shot out. Hell yeah!

T-SHIRT TRIVIA

I got one free Sportscrack Tee or Drink Like a Champion Today shirt to the first person who can answer this trivia question correctly.

There have been an abundance of home steals in baseball this year, can you name the all-time leader in home stolen bases and the exact number this person collected in their career?

First person to email me their name, address, and the correct answers to matt@sportscrack.com will get a free shirt of their choice. Good luck!

UPDATE: Congratulations go out to Jim Niemie of New York for being the first person to correctly email me the answer of Ty Cobb with 54 stolen bases. Jim picked the BC$ We Want Playoffs not Payoffs shirt. Be on the lookout next Wednesday at noon eastern when we will do another Sportscrack Tee Trivia giveaway.

THE GREAT WIETERS HOPE

And so it begins...nearly two full years after the Baltimore Orioles drafted phenom catcher Matt Wieters with the 5th overall pick out of Georgia Tech, Wieters will make his major league debut this Friday in Camden Yards against the Detroit Tigers. The 6'5 catcher has had scouts, baseball executives, coaches and fans raving and drooling about his minor league production not to mention his future MLB potential as one of the centerpieces of an Orioles franchise that already boosts young superstars in Nick Markakis and Adam Jones. Wieters has drawn favorable comparisons to Joe Mauer and Jason Varitek. Excuse me while I change my pants. I think I just soiled myself.

Orioles president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail revealed last night during the MASN broadcast against the Blue Jays that Wieters would make his debut and that he was ready...

"He is really starting to hit the ball; he has been on quite a streak over the last 10 days...he has made the progress, the power is starting to come. He is (hitting) over .300 as we speak. ... It's time. He has done what he has needed to do at that level."

Wieters learned last night before taking the field for the Norfolk Tides that he was being called up. How did he respond to the news? Oh, simply by going 4-for-4 with a double, 4 RBIs and getting on base all 5 times he was up. Yeah, he is most certainly ready. Wieters tore up A and AA ball last year while climbing up to the #1 overall prospect. He finished last season with 27 home runs, drove in 91, and hit .355 overall with an on-base percentage of nearly .450 while earning the Baseball America Player of the Year honor. This season his production hasn't been as good while playing in AAA due partly to a tender hamstring that shelved him for almost a week. But nevertheless scouts and coaches and even the players know he is ready to make a big impact in Baltimore.

"Right when he came up [to Bowie] and I saw him play for a while, I was like 'Wow,' " said Orioles left fielder Nolan Reimold, who played with Wieters for parts of two seasons. "He can really hit and he can really play."

Wieters was all part of a plan drawn up and implemented by MacPhail to revitalize the Orioles minor league system. The Orioles spent too many seasons chasing old veterans, drafting the wrong guys, and not developing the talent and/or trading it away(I still can't believe to this day they traded Curt Schilling, Pete Harnisch, and Steve Finley for Glenn Davis). But MacPhail has changed the Orioles franchise around and thankfully owner Peter Angelos has learned from his past mistakes and let a great baseball mind do his job. One of those was drafting Wieters with the 5th pick when he was rated the #1 overall player in the draft and only fell because of signing issues(Scott Boras client). MacPhail got him signed and delivered at the 11th hour with an Orioles record signing bonus of $6 million.

Wieters has proven so far that he is well worth the money. The Orioles haven't had a winning season since I was a freshman at Towson University. That was 12 years ago. It's been a painful decade to watch a proud franchise like the Orioles slip while teams in their division like the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees enjoy huge success thanks in large part to the economics of the game. But things are changing for the better in Charm City. With the contract extensions of Markakis and Brian Roberts and the trade with Seattle to bring in superstar in the making Adam "Bazooka" Jones and future ace Chris Tillman along with All-Star closer George "Flat Breezy" Sherrill things are starting to look sunny on the diamond for the first time since Cal Ripken smiled and waved his final farewell to the fans. Not to mention that MacPhail drafted and signed future aces Jake Arrieta and Brian Matusz as part of a "cavalry" of young pitching phenoms that should have Marylanders ready to hang up those Ravens hats and start heading back to Camden Yards.

Wieters is just the start of the Great Hope. The next decade of call ups should be the light to guide the Orioles out of the darkness.

SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED BABY

I'm 30 years old, married, own a home, drive a SUV, and have two dogs and a cat. You know what comes next don't ya? Yes. A baby. You figured your friends would be happy for you. Think again. Take a look at your future, my future, the whole human race future...

Sexually Transmitted Baby - watch more funny videos

I went and saw Terminator Salvation on Friday. Good action flick for all the Terminator junkies out there. But seriously, why no mention of John Connor's wife and his baby? Director McG seriously messed up on that part. It's like he was scared to even acknowledge to the audience the existence of a future Connor. I was almost as disappointed as when those garbage Star Wars prequels came out. Seriously, no baby Chewbacca? Come on George Lucas. He must have consulted his friends before filming. Oh, don't worry if you haven't seen Terminator Salvation. Everybody dies. It's over. I won't ruin it for you though and give you anymore details.

YOUR TUESDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

Since we took off for Memorial Day here is your Tuesday morning wake up song...

CLEVELAND NEEDS TO BELIEVE...

In the power of Lebron. Talk about a city full of defeatist losers, check out this Cleveland news station give up all hope after the Orlando Magic took a 2 point lead with 1 second left in the game 3.


I still think the NBA rule where you call a time out after the opposing team scores and you get the selection of taking the ball past half court is one of the dumbest rules in sports. But it does make for exciting highlights.

FURTHER PROOF THAT THE SPORTING NEWS JUST NEEDS TO GO AWAY AND DIE

I know most of you had no idea that the Sporting News was even around but apparently they still exist. I will give them credit, they do put links to some of my "articles" so apparently they have good taste. I can't say I blame them for wanting to get some of the Sportscrack love. I found a list of their top 50 MLB players in the game today.

Take a look at this joke...

1. Albert Pujols, Cardinals
2. Alex Rodriguez, Yankees
3. Johan Santana, Mets
4. Manny Ramirez, Dodgers
5. Hanley Ramirez, Marlins
6. Chase Utley, Phillies
7. Roy Halladay, Blue Jays
8. Derek Jeter, Yankees
9. Mariano Rivera, Yankees
10. Chipper Jones, Braves
11. Ryan Howard, Phillies
12. Grady Sizemore, Indians
13. David Wright, Mets
14. Justin Morneau, Twins
15. Jimmy Rollins, Phillies
16. Josh Beckett, Red Sox
17. Mark Teixeira, Yankees
18. Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox
19. Tim Lincecum, Giants
20. Evan Longoria, Rays
21. Lance Berkman, Astros
22. Jose Reyes, Mets
23. Carlos Beltran, Mets
24. Ian Kinsler, Rangers
25. Zack Greinke, Royals
26. Josh Hamilton, Rangers
27. Alfonso Soriano, Cubs
28. Miguel Cabrera, Tigers
29. CC Sabathia, Yankees
30. Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners
31. Brandon Webb, Diamondbacks
32. Ryan Braun, Brewers
33. Dan Haren, Diamondbacks
34. Francisco Rodriguez, Mets
35. Matt Holliday, A's
36. Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox
37. Vladimir Guerrero, Angels
38. Jake Peavy, Padres
39. Joe Mauer, Twins
40. Carlos Quentin, White Sox
41. Jason Bay, Red Sox
42. Chad Billingsley, Dodgers
43. Cliff Lee, Indians
44. Torii Hunter, Angels
45. Victor Martinez, Indians
46. Roy Oswalt, Astros
47. Carlos Delgado, Mets
48. Carlos Zambrano, Cubs
49. Cole Hamels, Phillies
50. Brian McCann, Braves

Ummm, excuse me but where the fuck is Nick Markakis? Derek Jeter at #8! You have to be kidding me. Listen, I kind of like Jeter even though he is a Yankee. The guy scores unbelievable poon and keeps his name out of the papers for all the right reasons. But there is no fucking way he is the 8th best player in the game. Please get your dick out of his ass before he shits all over you. If you are going to put Mariano Rivera on there, especially in the top 10, you better sure as hell put Trevor Hoffman on there. But nope, Hell's Bells Hoffman isn't even in the top 50 yet he has a better career ERA, more saves, and is having a better season right now than Rivera. Evan Longoria should be top 10...no doubt in my mind. Chipper Jones is not a better 3B than Longoria at this point. Grady Sizemore might be one of the most overrated players in the game. Adam Bazooka Jones is a better hitter, better fielder, and has a way better arm than Sizemore. Josh Beckett rated higher than Tim Lincecum and Zack Greinke? Holy shit, this list should just be crumpled up and burned. I'm going to come up with my own list. I can't put up with stupid shit like Matt Holliday, Vladimir Guerrero, and Jason Bay are seen as better players than Nick Markakis.

I will try to get my list out within the next few days.

RON MEXICO IS FREE (SORT OF)

Thank God Ron Mexico aka Michael Vick is finally free. Now we have a NFL storyline worth following. All kidding aside Vick was released from prison today after serving 19 months for killing dogs in his own financed dogfighting ring. He will now serve two months of home confinement (smoking blunts and playing video games with his "friends") up in Virginia. He will also wait to meet with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to hear if he will be reinstated to the NFL in 2009.

First off I am all about forgive and forget. Michael Vick has done some shitty stuff. A lot of it. Killing dogs is not cool at all. I can't even make a joke of it right now. I have two dogs right now and grew up with dogs since I first blinked. I've been around viscous dogs too. And in no way have I ever thought it was right to kill one. Call me a pacifist, pussy, puppy lover, whatever. I am willing to forgive Vick if he can admit to what he did was wrong with sincerity. Granted the guy has a hard time completing a sentence so we may never get it. I may be in the minority but I want to see this guy come back and have success in the NFL. Just not with the Atlanta Falcons. I'm sure Mexico can still play. You know the guy has been working on his agility and speed in the prison showers. Hell, I would come out of there looking like Barry Sanders even I had to hide my backside in prison.

I'm not sure Goodell will grant him reinstatement right away. I could see Goodell letting Vick sit out a year and then come back in 2010. We know whatever team is interested in signing Vick will have to put up with a PR nightmare. PETA will be all over their ass, throwing blood on their training facility while crying about the rights of pit bulls. The only team I think brave enough to not give a shit about PR nightmares is Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis. Sure I think it would be more ironic if the Cleveland Browns signed him for the Dawgpound but they got Brady Quinn's career to fuck up right now.

Vick would fit in nicely with the Raiders. They love speed and one could only imagine a team with Jamarcus Russell's arm, Mexico's speed, D-Mac's running ability, and Heyward-Bey's deep bomb threat would do to NFL defenses. So I'm saying get ready Raiders fans. You will be dealing with Vick next year. For better or worse. Richer or poorer. Till dog death do us part.

I HEART GEORGE BRETT

The Hall of Famer tells it like it is and leaves little to the imagination when answering the criticism about his pants...ummm...I meant to say the criticism current Royals manager Trey Hillman is facing from that typhoon of a Kansas City media storm he faces everyday...


George Brett needs to be the new commissioner of baseball. He doesn't take shit from anybody. Any man brave enough to go out on the golf course with those striped pants has my vote. I wonder if he was wearing those pants because he shit himself again...


I've loved George Brett ever since he came raging out of that visitor's dugout in Yankees Stadium years ago. The guy is pure passion and stands up for what he believes in. He should be the face of baseball. Not Bud Selig. And sure, I have no idea if he is qualified or even wants the job. But any man who can admit that he shits himself has my vote of confidence.

On a related note you can get the Zackkkk Attackkkk shirts by clicking the link below...

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

BIG PAPI NEEDS ROIDS...BADLY

2009 STATS

150 AT-BATS

0 HOME RUNS

15 RBI'S

.317 SLUGGING PERCENTAGE

.650 OPS

Less than 3 years after he hit a league leading 54 bombs in 2006 the great Big Papi can't even hit one in a fucking hitter's park. And people were giving Andruw Jones shit in LA for sucking. They better start piling on David Ortiz up in Boston. The incredible shrinking Papi is a shell of his former self since they started testing. But who gives a shit right? They got two rings with him in Boston. If I was a Red Sox fan I still wouldn't consider the two championships tainted even with Manny and Big Papi obviously cheating the whole time. Every team had somebody cheating on it. If you weren't cheating then I guess you weren't trying.

But I think Big Papi might want to keep his mouth shut the next time he says something like this...

"I would suggest everybody get tested, not random, everybody," he said. "You go team by team. You test everybody three, four times a year and that's about it." And if a player tests positive for steroids? "Ban 'em for the whole year," the slugger said.

MY PICK FOR THE PREAKNESS

Since you are no longer allowed to BYOB at Preakness I could really give two shits about it. Way to take the fun out of Preakness. No more Port-a-Potty races or naked slip n slide. Instead you will have an infield full of overpriced beer with only the "rich" college kids attending from schools like John Hopkins. Can't wait to see a bunch of Hopkins brainiacs slugging Black-Eyed Susans while their slutty girlfriends give head to whomever will buy them a drink. Bring back the Natty Light. Bring back the fun. And bring back the normal people.

Anyways my pick to win the Preakness is Fergie. As you can see in the picture above the horse-faced, former singer of The Black Eyed Peas will no doubt win a close race thanks to the numerous Black-Eyed Susans she will consume before exiting her stable. That beast of a Filly has been getting either heavy dosages of Chris Brown love smacks or her face has turned into a Cinnabon.

So throw $100 on Fergie and thank me later. There is no way that horse face doesn't win in Pimlico.

CHARLES BARKLEY HITS BAMA FAN WITH HIS SWING OF BEAUTY

It goes to show you that no matter how many lessons you receive from the world's best golf pro in Hank Haney you can not cure the shit that is Charles Barkley's golf swing.





Hey Bama fan, how about next time you not stand in front of Charles Barkley while he is teeing off.


Video HT: Al.com

BEST OF KENNY POWERS

Listen, I'm too lazy and busy to type blogs about sports today. It's called the Fairchild syndrome. Some people call it a disease, I call it fucking Thursday. Anyways, here are some clips of Eastbound and Down. The greatest fucking television show ever. And unfortunately it's not available On Demand right now because it's too fucking awesome.



"Honey I love you, I think you are a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead!"

Feel free to leave some of your favorite Kenny Powers lines in the comments section.

DESPITE THESE PICS I STILL DON'T LIKE JOAKIM NOAH

Ever since I saw this pothead's ugly mug in Gainesville there has always been something really annoying about him that just gets under my skin. Maybe it was his Michael Strahan smile or his disgusting long hair or maybe the way he danced but there has always been an instant turn the channel moment for me when current Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah shows up for any considerable amount of time on screen. TMZ now has pictures of Noah having a grand old time with some chick with big fake jugs down in St. Barts. This makes me only hate him more. Supposedly the topless girl is his girlfriend which in NBA terms means he is stuck with her for a while because he gave her some kind of STD. It's called the Dwyane Wade rule. Maybe hate is a little too strong of a word to use for Noah. I give him props for hooking up with Milkjugs. She doesn't look like some Alien form that A-Roid would fuck.

Speaking of players I can't stand, there is a certain shortstop for the Atlanta Braves who thinks he is A-Roid. Yunel Escobar carries himself in a way that only blind people could admire. He has frosted tips and doesn't run or hustle worth a shit. He thinks he is a superstar but the guy has as much range at shortstop as Adam Dunn in the outfield. Every time I see Escobar I want to punch him in his cocky face. You are no A-Roid or Chipper for that matter so stop acting like you are hot shit Yunel. I'm not going to deny the talent that Escobar possesses but if the dipshit doesn't at least hustle a little bit more than I don't see why the Braves kept him this offseason. Get rid of the frosted hair and the smug look of superstardom you think you have become. You are nothing but a tool Yunel who can occasionally hit doubles but are too lazy to leg them out for triples. And stop hitting into so many fucking double plays please. It gets really annoying when the Braves get some momentum and you come up and hit into an inning ending DP for the 5th time in less than a week. Seriously, you hit into more DP's than strikeouts on inside fastballs by Jordan Schafer.

WALLY BACKMAN IS A CUNNING LINGUIST

Speaking of the 1986 New York Mets, here we have former "portable potty" member and current South Georgia Peanuts minor league manager Wally Backman going off his young team after a tough loss. He seems like a nice guy. I actually can't blame him for his tirade. Have you seen South Georgia? The mosquito's are bigger the women down there.

Video HT: WithLeather via Playing for Peanuts

KYRA SEDGWICK IS AN INCREDIBLE ACTRESS

Not often can one make TNT's Craig Sager look good, especially in those hideous suits, but actress Kyra Sedgwick does a fine job. She might want to stick to the script though of "This game is fantastic!" or the NBA is "Where amazing happens!" instead of trying to improvise her role of "NBA Fan." She obviously doesn't know the difference between an old catcher's mitt and Kevin Bacon's face at this point. Actually I might not be able to tell the difference at this stage.



I actually love the fact that she knows she is bombing on live television but just smiles thinking that her pretty face will get her off just like the first time she sat on a directors couch. I think it's called the Denise Richards method.

FIRST EVER STREAKER AT CITI FIELD

As you can see this jackass made "history" by being the first streaker at the Met's Citi Field. I'm sure it was fun for him after they escorted him off the field and clubbed him like a baby seal. It's what New York cops do. They have a lot of pressure on them ever since NYPD Blue came out and we saw Dennis Franz bare ass on screen. You can't tell me the police department doesn't hold a grudge for that portrayal.

I got some things I need to get off my chest about the new Shea Stadium. First off why in the hell do they have a Jackie Robinson memorial there? I get it that Jackie is an institution on itself in regards to baseball and his name is held in high regards to the desegragation in Major League Baseball. But last time I checked he never played for the Mets. He was a Dodger. Just because the owner has some creepy fascination with Robinson doesn't make it right. Shouldn't it be about the Mets history? For instance they should have a memorial room filled with cocaine in honor of the 1986 Mets. Doc Gooden called them the "portable party" because of all the booze, loose women, greenies, and cocaine that team devoured on their way to their World Series victory over the Boston Red Sox. How about just a toilet with a simple line of coke on the top of the seat and a saying underneath that gets to the point: "Keith Hernandez once snorted off this actual toilet seat before delivering a game winning hit, propelling him to a night of hookers, blow, and celebrity cult status."

Second thing I need to get off my chest is about that shit stadium they made and how quirky it is. You would think if you spent $800 million plus on a stadium you could get the thing right. Why then do a lot of the seats have blind spots? If I am paying top dollar for a seat I expect to see the whole field of play. And what's up with all the rails that come into play in the outfield. Can you not just build a simple fence that makes it fairly easy for the umpire to be able to call a home run or a ground rule double?

And yes I am bitter about the Braves blowing that game last night to the Mets in case you were wondering. In old Shea Stadium the Braves would have never blown that game. The new one not so much.

Video HT: With Leather