KOBE STOP LOOKING AT MY....

The way the Lakers played tonight I doubt this series goes beyond 5 games now. Kobe was sick.

CONAN O'BRIEN: IN THE YEAR 3000

RANDY JOHNSON ALL SMILES AFTER HISTORIC 300TH VICTORY

Seriously, what the fuck is Randy Johnson's problem? I could have sworn the announcers just said he won his 300th MLB game becoming just the 24th member in the exclusive club but the guy can't as much as fake a smile. He just looks like a miserable s.o.b. Even when his son hugs him he has the look of a guy who is about to jump off the top of a building. Even David Carradine has smiled more in the past 24 hours and he is fucking dead dude. So get rid of the frown Big Unit. You will be going into the Hall of Fame. You have made over $167 million in your career. You got a World Series ring.

But yeah, with this mug life must really suck.

NBA FINALS PREDICTION

In 7 games the Lakers will beat the Orlando Magic. Kobe Bryant will be the MVP and get his 4th ring. I could bullshit you and tell you that the Lakers front court with Paul Gasol and Andrew Bynum will be able to hang with Dwight Superman Howard but I really have no idea what I am talking about. I don't usually watch the NBA regular season unless I am attending an Atlanta Hawks game at Philips. But the NBA playoffs this year has been really exciting to watch and I haven't been this into it since Jordan was playing. I hope the Magic win but I think the Lakers have the better team. It should be a great series.

SAMMY SOSA SPEAKS ENGLISH? NOPE, JUST BULLSHIT

''I will calmly wait for my induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame,'' the former Cubs slugger told the Web site after speaking at a government-sponsored event in the Dominican Republic. ''Don't I have the numbers to be inducted?''

This is what Sammy Sosa told ESPNDEPORTES, otherwise known as the Ocho, in announcing his retirement from the game of baseball because A)nobody wants him, B)they drug test now, and C)he can't understand english when asked about steroids.

Oh Sammy, you ignorant slut. Yes, his numbers would warrant a Hall of Fame selection if he played in any other era. But the guy was a juicer who's career was built on the ability to cheat. The corked bats and the steroids made him put up Hall of Fame numbers. Just looking at his numbers makes me sick to my stomach. He is the only guy to ever hit 60 plus home runs in a season 3 times. He is 6th on the all-time list of career home runs and 2nd all-time in whiffs. He either hit is very far or not at all. He was juicing like there was no tomorrow. He got a shitload of money because of the roids. Over $124 million to be exact.

But he is no Hall of Famer in my book. He maybe in his eyes but who gives a shit, he can't understand what I'm writing. He no speaka English thus no speaka Hall of Fameo.

BRAVES MAKE BOLD BUT NECESSARY MOVES

Yesterday was a great day if you are an Atlanta Braves fan. GM Frank Wren earned his paycheck while making some moves that should set up the Braves as a serious contender for a Wild Card run at the very least. The Braves offense has been struggling all season due mainly to a horrible outfield in terms of offensive production. Outfielder's Jordan Schafer, Jeff Francoeur and Garrett Anderson have been miserable in terms of contributions to the offense minus a couple of highlights this season. Wren saw the glaring weakness and made a great trade yesterday getting Pittsburgh All-Star Nate McLouth.

The best part of the trade was the Braves gave up relatively little to get a guy in McLouth who is wrapped up contract wise through 2011. The Braves traded minor league starters Charlie Morton(complete garbage in my humble opinion) and Jeff Locke(was getting hit hard in A ball) and promising young centerfielder Gorkys Hernandez(who has yet to hit a single HR in 212 AB's in AA). Essentially the Braves gave away minor league scrap metal to the Pittsburgh Pirates for their only All-Star. Hell yeah! If you ever wonder why the Pittsburgh Pirates organization has been shit for so long take a look at this trade along with their deals last season when they let Jason Bay and Xavier Nady go. McLouth will start in center for the recently demoted Schafer tonight against the Cubs and should get a warm welcome in Atlanta. McLouth is a solid defender (Gold Glover last season) who can steal bases with a MLB leading 92.8% successful stolen base percentage since the start of the 2005 season. And he also hit 26 home runs last year which is more than the whole Braves outfield combined last season. Great move by Wren and the Braves. Puzzling move by the Pirates letting go of a 27 year old foundation type player in McLouth.

The other great move by Wren yesterday was to give Tom Glavine his release and usher in the Tommy Hanson era. Braves fans love Glavine because he was instrumental in their only World Series title in 1995 pitching the game of his life against the Cleveland Indians. He was a crafty lefty who won multiple Cy Youngs and over 300 victories. He is a sure-fire first ballot Hall of Famer. But Glavine's time as a MLB starter is done. The 43 year old is way past his prime and was simply atrocious last season in the rotation. Remember the Braves paid him handsomely last season to get 2 victories on his belt while sporting an ERA north of 5.50. Roughly they paid him $4 million per victory. Glavine's career is done and don't feel sorry for him or feel like the Braves organization screwed him in anyway. Nobody was knocking on Glavine's door this offseason trying to sign him. The Braves did him a favor by giving him the chance to come back to Atlanta last year and finish out his career for the team he started. Remember Glavine was one of the union leaders during the strike and left the Braves in 2003 for the hated Mets for a contract that panned out to be one year more than the Braves were offering for similar money. He showed no loyalty to the Braves organization then so why should any Braves fan feel sorry for him now. He is washed up and a huge part of me hopes the New York Mets or Philadelphia Phillies sign him. Both teams need pitching. This would be the collective reaction of Braves fans if this indeed happened...

But anyways that is all water under the bridge. The thing that gets me really excited is to see the #1 pitching prospect in all of baseball in Tommy Hanson make his debut Saturday. Hanson is going to remind Braves fans a lot of John Smoltz. The 6'6 righty has been amazing the past two seasons in minor league ball and the Arizona Fall League. In AAA Gwinnett this season he has struck out 90 batters in only 66 innings while holding batters to a .169 BA. Chipper Jones stated he had the most impressive stuff of all the Braves pitchers in spring training. Hanson will join a staff that includes Derek Lowe, Jair Jurrjens, Javier Vasquez and Kenshin Kawakami. In other words the best pitching staff in the National League. Hanson was clocked up to 99 MPH in spring training and has an incredible curve ball and a very good changeup. He has future ace written all over him and should be the foundation for the Braves rotation for the next decade.

The Braves right now sit at 26 wins and 26 losses. They are in third place, 5.5 games out behind the Mets and Phillies in the NL East. With their arms they have the ability to go the distance. They just need the hitting. Hopefully Frank Wren is still looking for bats because the Braves are still incredibly weak at the power hitting positions(RF, LF, 1B) besides thirdbase with Chipper. And even thirdbase is a question mark with Chipper's health. Players like Luke Scott, Aubrey Huff, Matt Holliday, Lance Berkman, and others could be had if the Braves put together the right package. I would love to see them add Scott because he is a cheap player (2.4 million) who is still under team control for at least the next two seasons. He would add some serious pop to left field and is a great clubhouse guy. I would think the Braves would have to give up prospect 1b Freddie Freeman to get him which would be a great trade for both sides.

The future is now for the Atlanta Braves. Thank God.

LADY GAGA IS EVERYWHERE, BAFFLING

I can not go 4 hours in the day without hearing this chick sing her Poker Face song. Seriously, every time I go to LA Fitness or turn on my Sirius radio I hear that fucking song. I will admit it has a good beat but once she starts the "Po...Po...Po...Po...kkkkkeeerrrr face" I start to get really angry. I'm talking violent angry. I start flinging 5 pound dumb bells around like there is no tomorrow. I mean you would think with this song being so popular she would at least be hot. That would be a negative. Anyways I will let you the blog readers judge her for yourself. I got a Facebook message from a buddy of mine who is backpacking through Europe and he says people across the big pond are going nuts for Lady Gaga. I guess I just don't get it. She looks like Barbara Streisand's daughter.

YUNEL ESCOBAR IS A BITCH

As you probably know I'm not a big fan of Atlanta Braves shortstop Yunel Escobar. I hate his lazy play and the way he carries himself on the baseball field. He seems like a guy who is completely full of himself in the Barry Bonds way. He basically thinks he has the talent of Alex Rodriguez but he isn't even close. Escobar is a good player no doubt but he could be so much better if he played the game the right way. In other words hustle and be a good teammate.

Last night I attended the Braves-Cubs game with my wife and we had our typical lower level tickets behind the visitor's dugout on the third base side of Turner Field. Escobar comes to the plate in the 4th inning. Cubs pitcher Randy Wells throws him the high hard one and Escobar goes down. It looks like he has been beaned in the head. Escobar lays on the ground in an apparent daze. The crowd is concerned. The Braves bench is concerned. Hell, I'm concerned. I never want to see a player get beaned in the head. But guess what? He never got hit! The pitch hit Escobar's bat. It should have been a foul ball but Escobar, the bitch he is, acts like he is in pain from being hit by a pitch. This is the kind of shit that turns me off from soccer, Duke basketball, and now the NBA sometimes. This blatant faking doesn't belong in baseball. I had no idea Escobar didn't get hit until I got texts from two friends telling me he faked it.

I hate shit like this. It makes the Braves look bad. And if you think this is an isolated incident with Escobar and I'm going overboard in my criticism of him well then look at what he did against the Phillies on May 9th of this year. Yes, he did the same exact thing. If I am Cubs manager Lou Piniella I make sure that Escobar gets his medicine tonight. If I am Bobby Cox I make sure Escobar gets reprimanded for his acting. There is no room for this bullshit in the game. Ted Lilly should bean his frosted hair tip ass tonight in the first inning. They already have a history of Escobar taking exception of Lilly pitching inside to him.

So be on the lookout tonight for the Braves and Cubs to get in an all-out brawl. People will be hit. Feelings will be hurt. And Escobar will still be the whiny little bitch. He plays it so well.

SPORTSCRACK T-SHIRT TRIVIA QUESTION

You know the rules, the first person to answer this question correctly via email to matt@sportscrack.com gets a free Sportscrack shirt of your choice.

Today we are going to dive into a college football question. Less than a 100 days remain till kickoff, but seriously who is counting? Oh, that's right, everybody!

Anyways, here is the question: Phil Steele just released his 2009 College Football Preview, who can tell me who his #1 most improved team is and his #1 biggest surprise team for 2009?

Remember to send it to matt@sportscrack.com with your answers, your address, and what shirt and size you want.

Good luck!

THE WINNER IS BRENDON MCGIRR OF YORK, PA. BRENDON GOT THE CORRECT ANSWERS OF ILLINOIS AND PENN STATE TO OUR EMAIL THE FASTEST AND HAS PICKED THE NICK THE STICK SHIRT. CONGRATS BRENDON!

THINGS I THINK I KNOW...SORT OF

-Going into the 2009 College Football season there is little doubt that the Florida Gators are the best team on paper. They are the returning BCS Title Game winner and have the best player in college football in Tim Tebow. This isn't up for debate either. Tebow is the best player in college football. I don't want to hear from any Georgia fan or Sam Bradford apologist. Tebow is the best...accept it. Now if you want to make fun of Tebow go right ahead but you will have to look out for his 4 year old girlfriend. Don't you worry, she is saving her virginity for him. Her daddy wouldn't have it any other way.

You know you are big time when Erin Andrews comes up to you and offers you anything...and I mean anything...just ask Percy Harvin...for one night with you.

-This talk about Notre Dame playing Army in the new Yankees Stadium is beyond dumb. As a Notre Dame fan I have no desire at all to see the Fighting Irish play Army. One service academy on the schedule is enough. And don't give me this BS about it being a rivalry game with Army because it's not. It's all about the money. If they are going to play a game in the Northeast why not play it at an actual football stadium. I respect the tradition of Yankees baseball and believe that baseball should be the only game played in the new Yankees Stadium. Plus if you play a football game there the most you can get in the stadium is 45,000 and with seats starting at $2500 for a baseball game I can only imagine how much tickets will cost for a Notre Dame football game in the Bronx. It's beyond stupid to play Army there. Army isn't even a real opponent. Schedule someone like Penn State or even play Michigan there but do it in East Rutherford so people can actually afford to attend the game. Playing a game against Army in Yankees Stadium does nothing for the Notre Dame football program. If anything it makes them a laughingstock among college football pundits. Plus a game in New York City does little for their recruiting. If they want to get big time recruits they need to schedule neutral site games in cities like Tampa, Atlanta, Charlotte, Dallas and New Orleans. Those cities have big time venues in super rich recruiting areas. And these neutral site games need to be against quality opponents. No Army or Baylor or Washington State. Schedule a team like Miami or Georgia or even Texas on a neutral field. That will get me pumped up and it will get people to notice your program legitimately.

The last time Notre Dame vs. Army meant something was before the color television had been invented, no need to go back to black and white now.

-The 100 pitch count in baseball needs to go away. I know MLB teams are scared they are going to lose their high paid ace to injury if he throws over 100 pitches in a start but is there really any science to prove that 100 pitches is when arms start to fall off? Last night I was watching the Orioles-Mariners game (one of 5 people actually watching it live) and Orioles starter Rich Hill had a 2 hitter going while retiring 15 straight batters. He wasn't just retiring batters, he was making them look silly with his curveball. Instead of letting him pitch the 8th the Orioles manager Dave Trembley pulled him after he reached 100 pitches. Maybe Hill insisted coming out but I doubt it. When you are pitching that good you never want to come out especially in a 1-0 game. Baseball minds are getting too wrapped up around the idea of 100 pitch max for a starter. Nolan Ryan used to throw over 140 pitches regularly. His arm never fell off. These kids never throw more than 100 pitches or 7 innings in the minors and then when they are called up they don't have the strength to throw complete games. I don't see Roy Halladay or C.C. Sabathia complaining about throwing too many pitches. At least Nolan Ryan has taken notice and made the Rangers organization from top to bottom get rid of the 100 pitch count. And this isn't even up for discussion with Ryan. Ask Robin Ventura what happens when you disagree with Ryan...

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

CHARLES BARKLEY CALLS HIS PRODUCER A PUSSY

Gotta love Barkley. He never holds back.

Video HT: Barstool Sports

BRUNO LANDS ON EMINEM AT MTV MOVIE AWARDS

This was all staged but it still is hilarious. I can't wait for Bruno to come out. Just the fact that he put his balls in front of Enimem is reason enough to give it a shot.

DREW BREES ROCKING THE COMBOVER MULLET

If I grew my hair out it would look exactly like this. I'm rocking the fading Pete Sampras hairline and instead of deciding to comb it over I just shave it. But New Orlean Saints QB Drew Brees is bringing back not only the comb over but also the Kenny Powers mullet. Good luck with that Mr. Chocolate Chip face. Hopefully this starts a trend in the sports world. I would love to see Matt Hasselbeck or even Kevin Youkilis sport the comb over mullet. Bring it back guys! Give this balding a hole a chance.

TERI HATCHER CAN STILL BRING IT

Desperate Housewives Teri Hatcher is like 89 years old and still looks like she could break some serious dicks off. It goes to prove that Botox can be a wonderful drug. As well as lipo and eating only food that rabbits enjoy. Go check out WWTDD for more pics of Hatcher cougar prowling on Miami Beach today.


And on that note have a great weekend everybody!

MATT WIETERS FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE

The kid looks like he is ready. One can only hope that he lives up to half of his hype. If he turns out to be anything close to resembling Twins catcher Joe Mauer then I will be one happy fan as well as all of the other Baltimore die hards out there.

Go get em tonight Matty!

Video courtesy of MASN Sports

KOBE AND LEBRON PUPPETS ON COKE