THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Brandon Webb failed to pick up his 10th win in his first 10 starts by losing to the Florida Marlins 3-1 on Wednesday night. He was bidding to become only the 3rd pitcher since World War I to win his first 10 starts and I'm sure he soured his throat with random Miami trix to get over the whole ordeal of putting a loss on his record. The Marlins won their second straight against the D Backs despite sitting Hanley Ramirez out because of a recent 1-15 slump. Yeah, the $70 million must be getting to him.

-Talk about ruining the feeling of a great Braves win over the Mets, some fan died last night after falling 150 feet from the upper deck. Apparently the 25 year old Cumming man was drunk. Shocker. On to brighter things, the Braves go for the 4 game sweep today as Tim Hudson squares off against Johan Santana. In what should be a great pitching duel, look for Willie Randolph to be stoic and claim racism whenever his team loses. I'm still trying to confirm if Randolph and Ty Willingham are long lost brothers.

-Eric Gagne was sent back to Milwaukee to exam his all-out shithole pitching shoulder that has been ravaged for years by not doing any more steroids. One of the worst off-season signings in recent memory(Andruw Jones begs to differ) the Brewers are getting exactly what everyone knew they were getting in Gagne: crap. Red Sox fans laugh in amusement.

-The New York Yankees stormed back and destroyed my beloved Orioles last night 8-0. Darrell Rasner won his 3rd game since being called up and A-Hole hit another homerun since coming off the disabled list. And oh yeah, Joba Chamberlain is getting put into the starting rotation finally to the sweaty laughter of Hank Steinbrenner.

-The Chicago White Sox won their 7th in a row thanks to Jermaine Dye's 2 HR performance. The White Sox are now in first place while the Cleveland Indians continue to struggle putting runs on the board.

-The Los Angeles Dodgers swept the Red yesterday behind a brilliant 8 inning pitching performance by some Japanese import Hiroki Kuroda. Loyal reader Mike Martin continues to plot Dusty Baker's mysterious disappearance.

NBA
-The asshole Los Angeles Lakers came back from a 20 point deficit in the third quarter to beat the San Antonio Spurs 89-85. Maybe calling them a-holes is a little harsh but I got $40 riding on the Spurs in this series with my buddy Blick who is a huge Lakers fan. Kobe Bryant only scored 3 points in the first half but then absolutely raped the Spurs in the second half with 24 points. And by raped I meant he held down Manu and his flopping ways and gave him the business. Tim Duncan looked impressive in the lost with his Scottie Pippen kisses off the board but even he couldn't stop the Bryant rape in the second half.


NFL
-Jason Taylor has informed head coach Tony Sporano he won't be attending any more camps because...fuck...he has gone all Hollywood on them. Dancing with the Stars has changed his life and if Bill Parcells can't take it like a man or a woman then they just need to go ahead and trade him. Taylor needs to man the fuck up and get back to what he does best...dancing of course.


-Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley is getting married this weekend to former Redskin cheerleader Christy. Why should you care? Only because Cooley might be the coolest, straight up mofo in the NFL. He has his own blog in which he is about as frank and honest as possible including talking about getting drunk with his future father-in-law by trying to out drink him and stating he might sit Redskin's owner Daniel Snyder next to one his drunk uncles because he honestly doesn't care. He also has a "man room" in which he can smoke cigars, swig whiskey, and play poker without the old lady bothering him. Plus his future wife is not on the ugly side. Hell, I'm not going to lie, after reading his blog I'm now a huge Cooley fan and I was raised to hate the Redskins. Oh yeah, his old lady pictured on the right should make a lot of people jealous of Cool Cat Cooley. HT goes to WithLeather for bringing this to my attention.

NHL
-Good lord, Jeremy Roenick and Jaromir Jagr still play in the NHL. Roenick resigned with the Sharks for 2008 in what will now be his 21st season. If you played NHL Hockey 1993 edition on Sega Genesis you remember how good Roenick was with the puck around the net. He was fucking automatic as was Steve Larmer on his Chicago Blackhawks team that edition.

The New York Post is reporting that the Rangers are in discussion with Jagr about an extension. Jagr still has game as he led the Rangers with 15 playoff points and 71 regular season point this year. There has been talk about him retiring or even playing in Russia after just finishing out his $78 million dollar contract he signed back in 2001.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-You know how I know that USC is gay?

Because their stinking band plays on American Idol...

Video HT: EDSBS