NICK GREEN PITCHES SCORELESS 8TH AND 9TH INNING

Boston Red Sox shortstop Nick Green made an emergency appearance last night on the pitching rubber, his first time on the mound in more than 11 years, and pitched a scoreless 2 innings. Wait, what?

Yes, this is the same Nick Green I use to face in American Legion Ball more than 12 years ago. The same Green I tripled off the left centerfield wall in Alpharetta. This goes to prove, without a shadow of a doubt, I should be playing in the Major Leagues. If only all the drugs, booze, and loose women didn't get in the way I would be in Green's position right now. Yeah, that's it.

But enough about my sketchy past, let's hear what old fireballer Nick Green had to say about his performance last night vs. the Chicago White Sox.

"I didn't really want to do it, but I understood the situation," said Green, the first Red Sox position player to pitch multiple innings in a game since Dave McCarty in 2004. "That's why I said, 'OK, I'll go out there and try to have fun.'"

"I just wanted to throw strikes," Green said. "I didn't know my ball was going to move all over the place. I told Tito, 'I might get hit, I don't know.' I didn't know what to expect. I hadn't thrown to a catcher in 11 years."

Congratulations go out to Green for a fine performance last night. Dickhead. Nope, not jealous one bit. (cries into Ramen noodles for the 7th night in a row wondering what went wrong)