SportsCrack Blog

Monday, March 08, 2010


By now you have heard about Ben Roethlisberger little sexual mishap in Milledgeville, GA (I had no fucking clue where Milledgeville was till two days ago and apparently I only live about a hour away from the city...go figure) which would make him a two strike offender in the land of forced love. What you may not know is while Big Ben high tailed it out of the Christian bible beating state of GA after pulling a Roethlisberger (it's a new noun replacing sexual assault in the dictionary) he managed to hire Atlanta's lawyer to the guilty sports stars in Ed Harland. If you don't know who Harland is well then take a look at these clients whom he represented in the past...

Harland has managed to get Ray Lewis off for murder. He got Dany Heatley off for vehicular homicide. He got Jamal Lewis the bare minimum time in jail for facilitating a cocaine deal. Garland also managed to get Pacman Jones a misdemeanor for paralyzing a bouncer at a Las Vegas strip club. The point is if you are going to kill someone or Roethlisberger a girl whether it be intentional or not then you go hire Garland. Garland is the modern day Johnny Cochran. He gets innocent until proven guilty sports stars slap on the wrists and will probably manage to get the mayor of Milledgeville to publish an apology note to Big Ben for his town's misunderstanding of the Roethlisberger rules.

In other Georgia quarterback news involving small towns we have the arrest of potential starting QB for the BullDawgs in Zach Mettenberger. Another QB with a last name ending in -berger was dumb enough to go partying in the podunk town of Remerton (seriously I have never heard of these places before and have lived in Georgia pretty much all my life) and managed to get arrested for what 95.9% of us get arrested for: being a drunk idiot. Mettenberger is expected to compete with Aaron Murray and Logan Gray in Spring Practice for the vacant starting QB job leftover by the Ginger Ninja. Actually maybe I should replace the word is with was because there is a good chance it might be a two man race after this arrest. Mettenberger was arrested while on Spring Break at a bar called Flip Flops at 1:39 AM on Sunday. Wait a second. What the fuck. A QB in the SEC is on spring break in fucking Remerton? Of all the places I have gone for spring break I believe the last place I would ever think of going is Remerton. Come to think of it Mettenberger deserved to get arrested for having bad taste. Come on man. Panama City is a short drive away. Easy girls, booze, STD's, and general lack of the po-po runs rampant down in PC. These kids have so much to learn.


Ryan said...

Hey Matt is Big Ben wearing your tee shirt. LOL if so great publicity.

Matt Fairchild ( said...

That is the rumor. I've yet to get picture confirmation though.