Wednesday, August 21, 2013

SportsCrack 2013 Preseason All-American Team

Don't worry looking into your Phil Steele magazine or Sporting News or Playboy or whatever magazine you get your preseason preview from. This is the ultimate list. The SportsCrack All-American list is 99.9% accurate. We know our shit. We live college football. We are out doing the tailgates in the spring when those other shit stains are focused on trivial things like family. So without further ado here is the All-American Preseason 2013 team.

QB Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M - He's got a Heisman in his backpocket. He also has some Benjamins. On the field he is the best QB in the nation and the most important player for his team. Off it he is Johnny Fucking Football. The most entertaining college football player since Reggie Bush IMO.


RB Todd Gurley, Georgia - The first half of Gurshall exploded on the scene during his freshman season in Athens. Plus he's a Baltimore Orioles fan so he has impeccable taste. And herpes. A lot of that goes around the Classic City. Or so I've heard.


RB Lache Seastrunk, Baylor - Winner of the dumbest name award this kid can flat out fly. Doesn't get a lot of pub since he plays for Baylor but that will all change this season.


WR Marqise Lee, USC - Just another great USC wide receiver who won't live up to his hype in the NFL. I mean he is really good. He won some awards last year for an awful Trojans team so I'm sure 2013 will be another Groundhog Day for him.

WR Amari Cooper, Alabama - One of the most fluid receivers I can remember, Cooper brings back memories of Jerry Rice. Only a sophomore he should be AJ McCarron's favorite target.


TE Austin Seferian-Jenkins, Washington - The most talented tight end in the nation just needs to stay healthy and keep his nose clean. He has done neither this year. Still the best tight end in the nation.

T Cyrus Kouandjio, Alabama - Alabama grows dominate offensive tackles like they grow meth.

T Taylor Lewan, Michigan - I know this may be flabbergasting to ESPN and all those SEC cuckholders but Lewan pretty much dominated Clowney in the bowl game.

C Gabe Ikard, Oklahoma - A loyal SportsCrack customer since high school Gabe will now be blocking for the Belldozer.

G David Yankey, Stanford - Yankey proves Nerds can play football and dominate at the same time.

G Cyril Richardson, Baylor - Will be opening up gapping holes for Seastrunk all year.

All Purpose De'Anthony Thomas, Oregon - The Black Mamba could win the Heisman if he gets enough touches.


Kick Returner Stefon Diggs, Maryland - Only a sophomore this kid's play is electric.




DE Jadeveon Clowney, South Carolina - Listen Clowney is obviously a very good player. But he's not nearly as great of an all-around player as ESPN and the rest of college football media has made him out to be since the hit he put on Michigan. Still he's better than any other defensive end.


DT Louis Nix, Notre Dame - Irish Chocolate is an immovable object that destroys everything in sight. Go back and watch the BCS Championship and specifically watch his play. Nix more than held his own and often dominated against what is probably college footballs greatest offensive line collectively in Alabama.


DT Will Sutton, Arizona State - Dominating force inside who had double digit sacks last year.

DE Stephon Tuitt, Notre Dame - Up to 325 lbs Tuitt was dominating last year until a hernia curtailed his production. Still had double digit sacks and once again will be a force for an impressive Notre Dame defense.


OLB Anthony Barr, UCLA - Just ask Matt Barkley how good Barr is at linebacker.


ILB C.J. Mosley, Alabama - Actually kinda shocking he came back for his senior season in Tuscaloosa. Must have not wanted to take a pay cut for the NFL. Who can blame him? He's the MVP of a stifling Bama defense.

OLB Kyle Van Noy, BYU - This Stormin'Mormon is a heat-seeking missile who's about as sounds of a tackler as you will find in the college game.

CB Bradley Roby, Ohio State - This Buckeye was one of the few bright spots on a suspect D last season. He also returns punts at an All-American rate.

CB Ifo Ekpre-Olomu, Oregon - My apologies go to Lache Seastrunk. The Oregon Duck who forced 6 fumbles last season clearly has the most fucked up name.

S Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Alabama - His parents were clearly high when he was delivered. Who the fuck names their kid Ha Ha? I guess LOL seemed inappropriate.

S Ed Reynolds, Stanford - Another Stanford nerd makes the team. If you haven't noticed they have been playing pretty good football the past 4 seasons.

K Cairo Santos, Tulane - He was perfect (21 of 21) in field goals with a long of 57 yards. Plus he doesn't rape chicks like the Michigan kicker. Two pluses in my book and in life.

P Kyle Christy, Florida - A punter with the last name of Christy huh? I guess Fairy would have looked too gay for the Gaytors.

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